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My son took his life and I found his letter this weekend: - Page 2

post #21 of 100
Prayers for your whole family.A very dear friend of mine went through this and it really took a lot of time for her to even begin to be ok.Catherine
post #22 of 100
just wanted to offer
post #23 of 100
Thread Starter 
Well I found a grief therapist who seems very good that is fully covered and we went to see her this morning and I think we will still see her for the most part. I have been talking to both my wife and my son about going somewhere this winter that is warm and told me son he doesn't have to attend school at least for the first half and to be honest I wouldn't send him either way because he's just not ready right now. Since it gets very very cold in the winter I was thinking of going somewhere for most of the winter and holidays as well for at least 3 months. We don't have pets or anything else that needs daily attention so I think this is something we will be doing but for the first time my son seems quite excited about this and my wife has a sparkle in her eye for the most part so I think this is a good thing.

I'm wondering for anyone who might have some insight about what tropical place would be good to have a long term vacation that would be at least 3 months and no longer than 6 months. I have my house paid off and my car paid off and my wifes car is not a problem and I do have quite a bit of savings so I'm very good there so with that said do you think that maybe just moving might be a good idea to talk about after the vacation. Maybe just starting over might be the best thing but not forgetting about what happened but just remembering that we are still living.

I'm not sure but my son has never liked the snow and gets sick very often and my wife feels the same way that maybe moving to a state or country that is more tropical would be good. I don't want to deal with Florida because I don't like Jeb Bush or the way he runs the state and that should tell you my feelings about their current school system.

Oh and by the way I live in Boston incase you want to know.
post #24 of 100
I don't usually post in this forum, but your title caught my eye. I just want to offer a . Arizona is beautiful during the winter. The Mesa, Phoenix/scottsdale area has lots to do, and there are beautiful places to go in the mountains as well. The mountains do get snow though. I hope you find somewhere to relax and enjoy yourself.
post #25 of 100
Quote:
I cannot imagine losing a child, it would just kill me inside out
You know, DM, I know you didn't mean this in a negative way, but I have to tell you, as a mother who has lost a child, words like these are really not comforting to hear. As another mama friend who lost her daughter said it well- actually losing your child wouldn't kill you inside out, you'd actually still breathe and have to figure out a way to live your life with a broken heart. We all have thought at one point or another that we would die, but the reality is that we end up living and living with a lot of pain and heartache. Saying this just makes me feel like you're kind of catching your breath and saying "Thank g-d it's not me!", which I know you probably are thinking, but it's not like it's something the OP or any of us grieving parents need to hear, KWIM?

SeaC- We went to Martinique in the French West Indies and I can talk to you a bit about that country if you're interested. I can share pics as well. It is a French "property" (can't think of the word), so it's pretty much like France, but in the Caribbean.

PM or email me if you like.
post #26 of 100
I am so sorry! Huge hugs. You and your family are in my thoughts.
post #27 of 100
Thread Starter 
Well this never crossed my mind at first but I will have to decide carefully where we go because my son has very severe athsma and our last vacation when he was 4 or 5 didn't go so well. We went to the Florida Disney these parks in the Summer and he had so many problems and he isn't any better now but if he flares up we may run out of medicine for him and I just can't risk trying to get him more without him having to end up getting it in a hospital. I also don't quite know how a tropical place even in the winter would be for him. Why can't anything be easy for once just once.

If he gets the flu we have to take him into the hospital because he can barely breath so I don't want to even think about losing him because we can't get him to a hospital in time in another place or country.
post #28 of 100
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetTeach
You know, DM, I know you didn't mean this in a negative way, but I have to tell you, as a mother who has lost a child, words like these are really not comforting to hear. As another mama friend who lost her daughter said it well- actually losing your child wouldn't kill you inside out, you'd actually still breathe and have to figure out a way to live your life with a broken heart. We all have thought at one point or another that we would die, but the reality is that we end up living and living with a lot of pain and heartache. Saying this just makes me feel like you're kind of catching your breath and saying "Thank g-d it's not me!", which I know you probably are thinking, but it's not like it's something the OP or any of us grieving parents need to hear, KWIM?

SeaC- We went to Martinique in the French West Indies and I can talk to you a bit about that country if you're interested. I can share pics as well. It is a French "property" (can't think of the word), so it's pretty much like France, but in the Caribbean.

PM or email me if you like.
People aren't perfect and even though I didn't want to hear this just as you didn't we have to realize that people are just trying to help and aren't trying to be mean. If I let every person that I know get to me everytime they said something similiar and they have many times I would go nuts but I just understand that even for them its akward and they would rather say nothing but they say something so they don't come across as if they don't care. Trust me I was in that type of situation once and now I fully understand exactly how akward this stuff really is for others.

Also if its not much trouble could you tell me where this place is and how I could go about booking a place like this. Is it a hotel chain and can I book online or via phone. That would be great if you can provide me with any information you have but I will have to see my sons doctors to find out if it would be safe to go on vacation and whether they can provide us with additional medications for anything else.
post #29 of 100
I think you are doing everything that you can to hold your family together. I agree that you need to trust your instincts w/your son and spend as much time together. Tears are cleansing and so was the vomit. Stress has such a strong physical manifestation.

I agree that a spiritual counselor may be most helpful. And, learning about the stages of grief and that everything you're all feeling is normal and okay.

Time away as a family in the sunshine sounds like a wonderful chance to heal. You've gotten some good advice!

Hang in there
post #30 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetTeach
You know, DM, I know you didn't mean this in a negative way, but I have to tell you, as a mother who has lost a child, words like these are really not comforting to hear. As another mama friend who lost her daughter said it well- actually losing your child wouldn't kill you inside out, you'd actually still breathe and have to figure out a way to live your life with a broken heart.
Thank you St for pointing this out...

I have been following this thread since it started...I really want to offer my love and heart felt thoughts to you and your family.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son.




I agree with the Caribbean...it truly is lovely there. We were there for 3 weeks.
post #31 of 100
SeaC- The climate when we went to Martinique in Jan was in the mid-80's with a breeze- humid but not too much. I'm not sure if that would work for your son and his asthma. It is definitely a "first world" country in that it has all the services that would be available in France- esp as far as hospitals, medication, etc.

Did I mention that this is a French speaking country (not bilingual?) I'm not sure if that would work for you. It was good for me because I didn't have to talk to people that much if I didn't want to (I understand fr. a little better than I speak it).
It was hard to get there- had to take 3 planes- to Puerto Rico, then Guadeloupe (small plane), then Martinique (small plane).

If you are still interested, I will PM you with more info.

Quote:
People aren't perfect and even though I didn't want to hear this just as you didn't we have to realize that people are just trying to help and aren't trying to be mean. If I let every person that I know get to me everytime they said something similiar and they have many times I would go nuts but I just understand that even for them its akward and they would rather say nothing but they say something so they don't come across as if they don't care. Trust me I was in that type of situation once and now I fully understand exactly how akward this stuff really is for others.
Oh I completely do not think that DM was trying to be mean- of course not! If she realized that what she said was not something you wanted to hear, she probably wouldn't have said it. I have also said things that I'm sure were not helpful or even hurtful to others who have experienced a loss prior to losing my son. The thing is, 8 months down the line, I will tell you that it starts to get really old- putting yourself in another person's shoes, taking the hurt you feel from their words or lack of them and trying to take a positive spin on them...in other words, while you're doing the most difficult work of your life, having to also put other people at ease and think about what they meant/didn't mean that inadvertently caused you pain.

I'd rather tell or be told about the unintended effect of my words so that I wouldn't cause someone else pain in the future. I hope that is what came through in my other post- here's the perspective of someone who has been there.
post #32 of 100
How about Panama? I know that might sound strange, but I lived there until 1997. Major hospitals -- Humana in Pitillia. Although I was thinking a house up in the mountains, El Valle or near the ocean, Santa Clara or Chame up in country side would be really nice (about an 1 1/2 hours away from the major hospital).
A Carribean cruise, medical staff abored.
AAA has some great booklet information on cruises and carribean accomidations, including Panama or Europe. Plus info on stuff to do and see.
AZ is suppose to be good for ppl w/ athsma, although I have heard contridictions to that age old philosophy.
Also, what about renting or buying an RV for a road trip across America? You could plan your trip so you are never too far from a major hospital.
(Maybe your doc could give you a way to take an emergancy treatment kit with you or something that would buy you some time to get to a hospital if you were remotely located?)
I think getting away may be a good thing. I would hesitate on moving after the vacation though. When my grandmother passed away, my mother was told to wait a year before making any permanent changes. That wasn't a possibility with our most recent loss and coping has been more difficult. My dad's side of the family is from Wollaston, MA south of Boston. My dad never liked the cold winters and moved to Fl and then to Panama.
Warmly
post #33 of 100
My thoughts are with you and your family. I dont know what its like to lose a child and all the emotional turmoil one has to deal with when this happens, but I wanted to offer you a and let you know that I think your love for your family is so evident in your posts. Try to look after yourself - it sounds like you are carrying a lot of stress on your shoulders (of couse you are) and I would hate to see you burn out.

Love and kind thoughts
Shireen
post #34 of 100
Oh, I just realized why Martinique sounded familiar. My folks went there a couple of years ago for a few weeks. They LOVED it. Had fun w/the French
post #35 of 100
Thread Starter 
What I'm thinking of doing like someone said is renting an RV and go see different places. I was thinking about moving several years from now but didn't quite make that clear at first but that would be at least two years from now. I can get a medical kit for my son with some type of shot I can give him that would allow us to get him to a hospital or for EMS to get to us but my doctor did say this would only give us between 30 minutes to one hour because of how severe his case is and that if we went that he would be able to call the 911 dispatch center and they can input into their national database what information they need which would state that if EMS couldn't get to him within 30 minutes they would send out a helicopter to speed up time so that is an option. My doctor said that would be very low chance of this occuring but its better safe than sorry. They also said its good to have in place in case of an adverse reaction to this med that would require quick medical care. This only scares me more but it seems to be pretty taken care of.

I think we will stay in the US because he has many problems with foods and eating foods from other countries or with different products could be very bad as well. You wouldn't believe this if I told you but my son had to be air lifted from his school after eating his first pizza there. His airway totally closed up on him. It ended up being a spice they used that other schools didn't use but still was scary.
post #36 of 100
Go with your heart and what your wife and son think would be best. Try to not make it an escape however. Use it for personal growth and learning. Incorporate historical and geographical sites for educational opportunites. Build in time for soul searching, journaling, meditation etc. All of these things will make you strong and help you heal.

Does your son write? It may be a very cathartic way for him to deal with the pain. Encourage him to write a travel diary as well as personal growth.

We haven't had the grief, but sometimes all I want to do is take my family on a year long road trip and experience life without the day to day hassles etc.

I wish you the best and am so sorry for your loss. I hope your family heals in time.
post #37 of 100
Thread Starter 
I was planning on doing many different things as well as visiting other family members that we haven't seen in a long time or ever at least for my son. We have been doing a list of things we all would want to see on this trip including fun things as well as learning or just different things.

He does write in a journel and has been doing this for the last several years but we don't read it and we promised not to read it and I don't plan on reading it without his permission. I've always told him that if something is bothering him he can talk to both of us or just one of us and if he didn't want me to know his mother would never tell me but what he doesn't know is that if his mom thinks it needs to be brought to my attention she will tell me but that has never had to be done yet. My wife has told me over a period of time that she has helped him with many problems so that is something I feel he will continue to do when he feels like it. He has told me many things that he doesn't tell his mother. There was only one thing he told me that I had to tell his mother about and we told him exactly why we did but that was when he had a very bad infection that caused him to bleed out of his penis but not while going to the bathroom. He hated me for that but he understands why I told his mom and he also knows that we keep our word like we said.

We have been reading it to make sure that he wasn't thinking of killing himself and we hate to break that trust but we read pages and pages of my older sons journel after they did us no good so we are feeling really guilty about not reading private stuff but we will never say that we are reading this stuff because he might stop writing and we wouldn't know how he really feels. Right now he doesn't seem like he wants to take his life but he is having quite a bit of trouble understanding why this happened. Right now we have been spending a lot of time telling him this wasn't anyones fualt because he has been writing that he thinks its his fault and was writing everything he did or said thinking he made his brother so sad that he caused this so that is why I really need to get his mind of of what happened and to understand it wasn't his fault and that his brother did love him and we still do.

I've never read anything he has written and he always talked to one of us about his problems and it just hurts me that I now have to resort to reading his private thoughts to make sure he doesn't do the same thing. I can't allow this to happen again. I would have nothing left to live for if I lost both my children and my wife because she would be dead inside after losing two.
post #38 of 100
so very sorry for your loss..You are a strong and loving father it seems...Please keep close to your son..
post #39 of 100
Seaclearly2004,

I am so sorry your son died. I am always so shocked whenever I hear of a suicide but I'm just numb when I hear it is someone young. So many thoughts go through a young person's mind and pretty much 99.9 percent of those thoughts should not be acted upon unfortunately they don't know that. Hugs to you and your wife and son.

I can see where you would want to get out of town. I think that a case could be made for staying in town and working it out emotionally there..but honestly I can really see the desire to get some space and process the grief on the road. Maybe you can make this an eye opening, experimental process along with grief. You know go to DC for the election. Maybe go to Nasa in Houston. Maybe volunteer to build a habitat for humanity house in some state. maybe go to a swing state and volunteer for your presidential candidate. Go to various native american reservations (I've been to several).
I've gone across the country in a winnebago..I did it for work but it was still pretty fun and very, very interesting. there are lots of choices....

the drive up the pacific is quite beautiful by the way..and arizona and palm springs stay temperate during the winter pretty much.
hugs
post #40 of 100
SeaClearly2004 - my heart goes out to you. You and your family are very strong. Although I have no idea how you must feel, I admire you and your dedication to your family. You are a good and caring father. Try not to forget that.

When we had a great loss in our family, we took off on a cruise to the Carribbean. It was a great escape, it was nice to be pampered and also to not be around people we knew. Sometimes you just get tired of talking about it or getting that sympathetic look that people give you, kwim? I knew people meant well, but it started feeling like a violation somehow.
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