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My son took his life and I found his letter this weekend: - Page 3

post #41 of 100
8/11/04 at 5:49pm
I lost my dad to suicide.

Do exactly what you are doing. Love and support your family. You sound like a man with a ton of integrity and love, your wife and son are very lucky to have you.

((((HUGS))))) to you and your family.

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post #42 of 100
8/13/04 at 6:29pm
post #43 of 100
8/13/04 at 10:47pm
Thread Starter 
Well I have to fly into Florida whenever I can get a flight. My wifes mother and her sisters and brother live in Cape Coral and there houses were just destroyed by hurricane Charley this afternoon. I somehow got in contact with them and one of their friends down the street got killed in this storm. It ripped their roof off the house and actually threw their freezer with at least 100 pounds of food in it right through the wall and out of the house and down the street. They had a 10 foot storm surge with 150 Mph winds. I swear what the hell else can go wrong this month.

I thought they would be fine because everyone was talking about Tampa Bay being hit.
post #44 of 100
8/17/04 at 10:32am
Sorry to hear about your family in Florida. Please check back in with us when you get a chance. What a tough time for your family!

ST
post #45 of 100
8/17/04 at 12:24pm
Sending your Family love & prayers.
post #46 of 100
8/18/04 at 12:29am


I am at a loss for words that may be of comfort to you, but I am thinking of you and your family with loving and healing thoughts.
post #47 of 100
8/18/04 at 12:53am
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to your whole family.
You will all be in my thoughts and prayers-
Emilie
post #48 of 100
8/20/04 at 12:32am
Thread Starter 
Well everything is going good right now for my family in Florida. We are taking them up north with us and we will be putting them into a nearby hotel until whatever needs to be done gets done. I think a hotel is better because our house isn't big enough for everyone so that would cause more stress. But a good note is that my son is very excited about them flying in and wants to go to the airport with me to meet them so that is a good start even though at night he still had nightmares. I didn't know whether to leave my son with his mother at home or take them all with me but I ended up taking them with me. I wasn't good having them see all the damage but it ended up being good because our family in Florda just went nuts when they saw all of us so I think I made the right move. At least for the time being they have to finish some stuff in Florida but they have a ticket that can be used anyday during the week for the next 3 months so my son is just so ancy always asking when will they be here so thats a good thing.

But we will have to rethink the vacation because he did have a very bad asthma attack when in Florida so even though we had everything covered we have some things to deal with before going on vacation. We had to resort to the shot and get him to the hospital just in case so we have to be real carefull. His doctor says that extreme stress even when he seems happy can make his asthma worse so we have to think of that.

He still has nightmares and has been asking to sleep with me almost everynight and then freaks when he wakes up in his own bed. I hate moving him but I have to sleep too and he just tosses and turns all night long so I need to save by body from getting beat all over.

But it looks good for the most part and right now he is hitting puberty quite good so that doesn't make things easier for him so he's been acting very wierd the last few days at the hotel when he demanded that he keep his same underwear on without sending them to be cleaned so I think I know what that might be so that only stresses him out more.

I just have to ask why does everything happen all at once.
post #49 of 100
8/24/04 at 1:33am
Thinking of you and checking in...
I do not know why all these terrible things happened so close in your family.
I am thankful that you will have your family from FLA up close during this time
I am praying for you.
I am not that religous.
I am sorry about your sons asthma and hope that you can do some traveling...
I also am so sorry about your youngest son... and his nightmares...
I hope that you find the help that you need....
My heart goes out to you over and over.
Emilie
post #50 of 100
8/24/04 at 9:13am
My heart is breaking for you all. I really hope that you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. Unfortunately, when a family experiences a death, the other family members are ALL grieving, and are often not the best equipped to care for one another. You need to give yourself some space to grieve, too. EVERYTHING you wrote sounds completely natural and are all normal responses to grief. Please know that you're never alone. And reach out for support. Here and with some of the other organizations others noted. The most critical thing right now is that you all feel supported. Counseling or therapy or support - whatever you can find, can only help. I'm so glad you're strong enough to let your son cry with you. If we don't let these emotions flow through us, they fester inside and become toxic. Unfortunately you know that all too well.

You, your wife, and your sons are in my thoughts and prayers.

In love, grief, and support,
Mary
post #51 of 100
8/24/04 at 10:07am
Thinking of you.
post #52 of 100
8/24/04 at 10:07am
I am so sorry for you all

People with asthma often respond well to the dry air in the deserts in the western US, somehow it seems to help clear the passages. I can also imagine the landscapes there being comforting ~ they are so empty, they feel like being a step closer to the beginning of the world or maybe heaven if you believe in that. It doesn't get cold in winter, not if you stay in low elevations.

My mom's best friend's daughter committed suicide when she was 22, she had a brother who was about 5 years younger. It's been very very hard for them, and it took them years before they realized inside their hearts that there was nothing they could have done, and that all they could do for her was respect her wish. But they also realized that suicide is not contagious, the son learned early in life what ruins it leaves behind, so please don't worry too much about your younger son. He's really not at extra risk.

I hope to never experience such overwhelming pain.

I'm wishing you strength and love papa.
post #53 of 100
8/24/04 at 11:37am
Please accept my condolences. It is never easy to lose someone you love...but losing someone to suicide is even more devestating. Our family went through this very thing. My step Dad is from a family of 7 and his younger brother took his life at the age of 19. It is hard to wrap your mind around the concept of suicide atleast that is what I have found in my experience. I think that it is human nature to blame or at the very least seek out a cause to almost everything that happens in life. But who do you blame or who takes responsiblity when it is suicide? You can't blame the drunk driver, the bank robber, cancer or old age. You automatically find yourself carrying that blame. As if by some chance it was something you did, thought, conveyed passed on through a gene...something. I think our brain goes through this process as a way to cope. And even though it is your son you are not the only one having those thoughts or carrying part of that blame. That what we discovered. All of us as individuals and as a whole...found ourselves taking on responsibilty for Alan's choice to kill himself. As a family, a brother, sister, mother, father, cousin, friend. When we started talking we all realized that we felt responsible in some way. But it was through that discovery and through the process of talking and sharing our feelings that we realized that as individuals and as a family we had no responsibility. We all loved Alan. He touched all our lives in many different and wonderful ways. But he made that choice. He took on that responsibilty. He chose that path for himself. I was angry at him for awhile. I was mad that he took himself from ME. I loved him and he left me. He scared me and made me think and feel things that hurt. But with time my anger went away. And my need to take responsibility for his actions. And what I was left with was what I started with...I love Alan. I will always love and miss him. I wish him happy birthday every year on his day. I think about him and talk about him with the family on the anniversary of his death. He is always and will always be a part of me.

I don't know if any of this helps you. But please don't allow yourself to take responsibilty for your sons actions. And help your family not to either. The best way to get through this is together. Talking, loving, supporting, listening and caring for eachother. Your son is in a much better place and is able to see and understand his actions now from another point of veiw. I am sure he is sending you loving healing vibes. I am also sure that if he could take away all your pain he would in a second. I think you should do whatever you think is right for you and your family. Let your heart lead the way. Vacation, move *whatever*makes it easier for all of you to come together and heal. I was 13 when Alan died and I know I needed a lot of support from my folks. Alan's death made an impression on my life that will last a lifetime for me. It took me a lot of years to get to where I am in my thoughts. But one thing we never did was stop talking. My mom still talks with me about Alan to this day. I firmly believe that if you want something in life the best way to attain it is to give it to someone else. Help you ds and dw heal and watch what takes place in your heart. God Bless you all. Tina
post #54 of 100
8/24/04 at 1:20pm
I've been thinking about you and wanted to let you know that your entire family is in my prayers.
post #55 of 100
8/24/04 at 5:09pm


I am so sorry!

I have nothing to add except that I am very sorry this happened to you and I hope G-d gives you the strength to go on with your life.
post #56 of 100
8/24/04 at 7:00pm
Just found this thread and wanted to add my condolences.

You sound like an incredible father and husband. Kudos to you for being so thoughtful about how you are handling all of this. Please realize that through your honesty and integrity you are teaching your son SO much about how to be a man. You are teaching him how to handle pain, how to support those he loves, how to face the challenges of life.

I hope you guys do find a dry climate like NM or AZ to vacation in. The muggy Southeast is not great for those with asthma. But the Southwest is beautiful!
post #57 of 100
8/25/04 at 1:10am

Checking in with a hug

wanted to let you know our family is thinking of yours tonight.

Emilie
post #58 of 100
8/26/04 at 12:54am
Just thinking of you and praying for emotional healing. I am here in Florida, and can not imagine having to deal with your son's loss and then the storm on top of it.
-Michelle
post #59 of 100
8/26/04 at 10:59am
Thread Starter 
To be honest I was the type of father that did think boys shouldn't cry even though I was abused as a child from my father of all people telling me that I should take it like a man and not cry. I thought those days were gone and out of my memory and after my son took his life I quickly remembered everything my father ever said to me about being a man because I found out he had no idea what being a man takes for a child and for an adult. I did forgive my father but I will never excuse his words or actions.

I feel just as helpless with my son now as I did when I was a child. But his pain is just so different than mine that I don't quite understand and I can't compare my pain with his because it isn't the same.

Now on the other hand I should have known that being in Florida right after a major storm would mess with his athsma but I wasn't exactly thinking with logic so I should have known better but thats done with.

I think I need to express my feelings more than I thought and this seems to be the only place I can do this right now. Some of these memories and feelings I have never had or at least remembered until these last few week.

I remember when I was in little league that my father wanted me to take a pitch to help the team so I ended up getting scared and striking out and my father the next day got me to pratice taking the hit by throwing pitches right into my side and I moved out of the way and he told me to go to bed and he beat me in bed and the next day he asked me what feels better this baseball or my belt and I ended up taking a dozen or so baseballs in my side. Now it didn't exactly go as simple as this but you get the idea.

I swear how do they allow these people to become fathers. Ne never beat my mom or at least I don't think he did but always just me not even my brother.

Well enough of this and I know this isn't exactly what you all want to hear but I just needed to say it.
post #60 of 100
8/26/04 at 2:27pm
First, I'd like to give you a hug!
Now I'd like to really encourage you to check out The Option Institute. They do great work with individuals and families in very challenging circumstances like you have described.
You can go to their website www.option.org
or call them at 1-800-714-2779
If you call, ask to talk to Zoe as I know her and I know she will really help you get a sense of who they are, what they teach, and how they might help you and your family specifically.

This isn't an advertisement in any way. I don't have any connection or interest in them other than I have found them to be so incredibly helpful to me and to many friends in a time of need.

Wishing you the best!
~Mary-Beth
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Personal Growth & Spirituality  › Grief and Loss › My son took his life and I found his letter this weekend: