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My son took his life and I found his letter this weekend: - Page 5

post #81 of 100
10/2/04 at 11:28am
Praying for you, your family, and esp your son today.

May the Lord grant you all strength and the peace that passes all understanding.

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post #82 of 100
10/2/04 at 8:06pm
Thread Starter 
The kid that was scheduled for 9am wasn't able to have surgery because she had an infection so they did my sons at 9am and I just got home about 10 minutes ago. Everything went really good and they got done a little bit before 10 hours. I just couldn't believe all the tubes and other things all over his body. I thought what he had was bad but he had at least double the stuff coming every direction. He couldn't talk because of his breathing tube and they tied his hands and legs to the beds so he didn't pull anything out in panic. They gave me a pad that he could write on and at the time he woke up he was trying to tell me something and I asked him to write what he wanted. He wrote to ask me where his mom was and at that moment I knew things went great. She was having something to eat and I went and got her for him and he wrote to her that he was hurting really bad and was crying so the doctors thought best to give him some strong meds that would put him to sleep so my wife is staying with him and I went home to just rest and post here.

I just can't believe that things are starting to look up now. But it was hard for me to see him in that much pain. He was crying and shaking bad for the last few minutes until the drugs kicked in. Those last few minutes I couldn't bare because I couldn't help my baby except for my wife and I to just hold his hands.

The docs said they most likely will take out the breathing tube sometime within the next day or so but right now they have to make sure he doesn't get an infection because he body is so beat up and his system that he can get an infection much easier because of this and having a fairly open wound makes things worse but they assured me they are pumping anti-biotics into him left and right and as long as anyone coming into his room have masks over their nose and mouths things should be great.
post #83 of 100
10/3/04 at 7:37am
Thread Starter 
Well they took his breathing tube out a few hours ago and woke him up and he was doing fine for about an hour until he complained of severe itching on his chest and they were forced to tie his arms up again so he wouldn't scratch it. It ended up being an allergic reaction to something they called steri strips and I'm not sure about the spelling but that is what it sounded like. So they had to take him back into the OR and remove them and stitch him up again and he will need more pain drugs after that but he won't need a breathing tube again and will be able to talk to us again but at least he doesn't need a breathing tube anymore now. They expect him to be out of the OR in an hour or so. My wife has been really good keeping me informed of changes. I will be taking over and letting her sleep in a few hours so I won't have a chance to keep you informed for at least until afternoon but overall things are going better than expected. The doctors said that patients usually take closer to 24 hours to breath on their own without assistance but my son was closer to 12 hours so that is good.
post #84 of 100
10/3/04 at 8:46am


You are in our thoughts

don't forget to take care of yourself through all of this

post #85 of 100
10/3/04 at 2:27pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks and I'm doing fine for the most part. Just very happy he came through all right. He was awake and happy to talk with us for most of the time but he just can't stay awake for more than an hour at a time and when he is awake he still hurts even with the meds but it doesn't seem that bad overall. They did say that for now he is out of the woods with the exception of infection but that should not be a problem.
post #86 of 100
10/4/04 at 10:34pm

Take care, Sea...

Lots of us are pulling for you, Sea, and for your son and wife. Don't forget.... your family has an angel in heaven watching down upon you all too. No, you may not understand why the course of events happened with your oldest son but the Lord does.... and has welcomed your oldest son into His waiting arms. So, don't forget, your youngest son has some "heavenly help" these days, from his big brother who now has wings.

Take care and thank you for keeping us posted!!

Homebody Mom
post #87 of 100
10/5/04 at 6:54am
Thread Starter 
Thanks and he must having something helping him. He is doing very good now and he might be allowed to fly home in a couple of weeks but he is healing right up and he is much more upbeat now. He also hasn't had as much trouble breathing even before all of this happened. This problem could have been what was making him worse over the last few months. Also when he seemed depressed and not wanting to talk much it could have been because he was too sick and worn out so that might of made him seem depressed. I've talked to him for the last day or so and asked him if he was very sad about his brother and he said he missed him but he was always tired and never felt upto doing anything and when he did he said his chest would start to hurt really bad so he never did anything.

I wish he would have told me exactly what he was feeling but he said he didn't want to bother me because I looked very sad. I'm just glad I know what I know now but I just would rather not find this out in the way we all did.

Now he will be taking meds from now on and I told him if he ever feels the way he did again he must tell us even if he doesn't want to bother us because nothing is more important than making sure you are OK. That made him smile as you might expect. He needs to understand that just because we are sad he still means everything to us and must tell us when something is wrong.
post #88 of 100
10/5/04 at 8:35am
I just wanted to let you know that with every post of yours I read, I have this huge urge to send hundreds of hugs
and tell you that you are an incredible parent--I know we all just try our best, but I do think you are doing an exceptional job.

I am so glad to hear that your son is feeling better and that the lines of communication are open between you

post #89 of 100
10/7/04 at 11:31pm
Seaclearly,

My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.

what you have endured is incredible.

please know that you have many friends here

post #90 of 100
10/8/04 at 4:11am
Wishing you all peace & strength. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

Love from the Stephens Family.
post #91 of 100
10/8/04 at 12:03pm
Thread Starter 
Well Chris got an infection shortly after they replaced the strips and thankfully he has overcome the infection and they expect him to be released from the hospital within a week. They just moved him from ICU this morning so that is very good. I've been with him the whole time not really knowing if he would make it but he did. But he won't be allowed to fly home for at least a couple weeks after they release him from the hospital but at least he will be going home. I swear the meds they are giving him are more than my meds and I'm taking kidney rejection meds. He didn't even have a transplant and he has more than I do for crying out load. Trying to keep track of both of our meds will be lets just say fun.

I want to thank you all for your support and praying because it seems that it worked very good for Chris these last few weeks.
post #92 of 100
10/8/04 at 2:42pm

Blessings to you and your family

SeaClearly~

I can't believe what you've been through, but at the same time it's all strangely familiar. My own sons were born with a genetic condition we'd never heard of, and I remember their first several months were a maze of hospital rooms, tests, tubes, and awful expereiences. The thing is, they were healthy kids! It was just all the horrible things we had to do to try and stop the seizures-- injections that made them miserable, medicines that turned them into zombies, and even (this February) brain surgery.

Whenever we're back in the hospital/sugergy situation, I try to keep this in mind: "it's not how fast you get there, IT'S THE GETTING THERE that counts." Please keep in mind, if it helps you, that these months will pass in a blur, and that a couple of months, or even a year down the road, life will be back to some kind of normal.

When I look at my sons now, the hospital and health worries rarely even come to mind. They're just happy boys. They'll always have challenges, and medicines, true, but for them life will be open and (for the most part) happy like any other kid's. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be on this side of all that medical stuff (the side where it's OVER ), and I wish that for you and your family soon. It _will_ happen.

Blessings for you and your family.
post #93 of 100
10/9/04 at 4:42am
Seaclearly, my heart goes out to you and your family.

It is amazing sometimes how one can go through an illness for so long and not know it. I hope that now that they know what is wrong and he has had surgery that there will be an improvement in his health.

post #94 of 100
10/12/04 at 10:23pm
I am very sorry for your loss and although I cant find the words, I wanted to give you a hug.
post #95 of 100
10/21/04 at 5:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeaClearly2004
I feel like I failed him badly. I just can't see what I did wrong.

I just can't stop thinking that I just overlooked every hint he could have tried to give me because I thought that this NASA thing would change everything. .
You didn't fail him and you did nothing wrong. One of the steps of grieving is blaming yourself and trying to figure out what you could had done differently. When my son was killed I kept thinking what if. It is the what ifs that will drive you nuts. I wish I could reach over and give you a big hug right now.
post #96 of 100
10/22/04 at 1:58am
Dear SeaClearly,

I'm so sorry. I've been reading along and praying for you and your family.

I would second what one poster said about Hospice. I've been on both sides of their bereavement help ... supporting and receiving. I hope you can find some time to take care of yourself.

My youngest son has compromised health and lung issues. He's had some hospitalizations. It's stressful and almost manic being a parent in a hospital -- or it was for me.

One thing I always think about is that it's important to make our life each day. Some days, the most we might be able to do is quench a thirst. On other days, we might be able to share a laugh or notice a leaf. Small things make us human. You are doing so much to hold your family together. I cry when I read your story; but you give me hope.

teastaigh

mom to ds (age 7) and ds (age 4) and
always and forever, my
9/9/2000; 9/23/2002
post #97 of 100
10/22/04 at 12:02pm
I'm so sorry you all are having to go through this. My thoughts are with you.
post #98 of 100
11/2/04 at 2:22am
Thread Starter 
Well things are going very well and he won't afterall have to take meds for the rest of his life but just for the next several months. We will be going home sometime this week but we do have to call the airline because the doctors will require that he have oxygen while in the air and its harder now with all the 9/11 stuff for an airline to allow a needle on the aircraft because they also want him on light sedatives while in the air as well so its easier to breath if he gets too excited. The doctors also said to buy two seats for him plus my seat all in one row so he could sleep because he will want to sleep. The hardest part is to give the injection after we are in the air as far as the airline is concerned. But we will have someone on the flight that will do this and make sure everything goes as planned.

Just for my comfort does this all sound normal. Now he will have an IV in his chest so in the rare case that things do go bad they can give him meds that this nurse will have with him as well as breathing tubes they can use until the plane lands. The hospital is setting all this up for us but they say its all just in case stuff and that in over 95% of transports everything goes well.

But Chris is doing very well now and as another poster said its very hard dealing with hospital stuff all the time and I do understand what my son is going through because I did go through all of this as a preteen getting my kidney transplant. I was lucky enough to get a kidney when I was 14 years old from my uncle and I treat life everyday as a gift and most people will never see life the way I do unless it was almost taken away from them. My son will understand this in ten years or so. Its hard because its like going through my transplant all over again.

My wife is quite a bit more upbeat and even though she does miss our oldest son now passed away she now understands what she has left with her that she almost lost. I've been talking with her for the last weeks and she has gotten a real eye opener that was hard for all of us. As hard as this is to say this whole ordeal clearly opened our eyes to what we all have left and that is simply the best years of our lives including our sons life that for once seems like it will be free from sickness. He still has asthma but can now be controlled very very well with low dose meds and his teen years are looking very different for him and he doesn't quite see it but its going to be very fun for him to not have to sit out during activities anymore.

Things are starting to look up right now and all I have to say is its about frickin time it did. Long overdue I might add but at least its sooner rather than later or should I say at least it happened and its going to be never. Good days are coming and thats all we all have to think about and that is a good thing to remember when we all wake up.
post #99 of 100
11/5/04 at 1:12am
I am glad to hear that things are looking up for you. I think of your family and you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Emilie
post #100 of 100
11/5/04 at 6:54am
Thread Starter 
Just got home tonight and things went very well. I'm just very tired now and people don't quite understand that having all the people on the plane saying how sad and hard it must be for me and this and that. I think over half of the people must have come over and said something. Granted they are trying to be nice but enough is enough.

Now add to this list that my son got a little upset when the nurse had to pull his pants partway down to give him the injection and being a preteen or just teen boy that was a fight. Now add that once the plane was getting close to landing he didn't want to get up and put his seat belt on so that was a chore to get him to do that. Granted he never yelled or acted out but was for the most part a pain. It ended up they tried to put us on a flight they thought would have less people on it being in the middle of the night and it ended up being nearly packed so that shocked me quite a bit.

But I'm back in Boston now and my wife should be on a flight this morning.
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Personal Growth & Spirituality  › Grief and Loss › My son took his life and I found his letter this weekend: