How do I deal with these behaviors?

[Ynez]

My DD is close to turning 3 and lately it seems like her behavior is getting increasingly negative and bossy. I'm not sure if this is just a stage or what. We have two issues in particular.

Ever since my DD could talk, her favorite sentance has been "no, I don't want to" so to deal with this we gave her choices. For example, instead of saying "let's get dressed" (which would have been greeted with NO) we ask "do you want to get dressed or have breakfast" and until recently she's chosen one.

Well, now she's discovered a third "choice" which is "nothing". Nothing has become her all-time favorite word -- her response to practically every question is "nothing". If it's not important, I just say "okay nothing" and try to move on but it's getting extremely frustrating and difficult to do anything with her. Even when I say, "okay nothing", she has a fit!

The other recent behavior is bossing us around -- she does this to DH the most -- for example, telling him not to sit on the couch next to her (it's the only seating the room) or to "go away". This morning DD threw her sippy cup on the floor (throwing food is one of her favorite responses to anything that's making her mad and I typically just take it away at that point) and then told me to pick it up. I said, "no you threw it, you pick it up" but she kept insisting and I kept saying no -- this went on and on. When I tried to put the cup away, she started screaming that she was thirsty and I gave the cup to her and again, she threw it -- arrggghh. I'm just not sure how to respond when she tries to boss. I tell her that we don't talk that way but it's made no impact.

I am out of ideas...

[Konur's Mom]

OH yea! I hear ya!

We have tried "I am sure you can say that in a nicer way" with Konur and it has helped some. I read somewhere that he is just trying to gain his independance and telling us he doesnt like our rules. We even say, "I know you dont like our rules, but you do need to do what we ask you to do." We also use "priviledges." he earns them by doing what we ask him to do, not argueing with mommy or daddy, and not yelling and screaming at us. He loses them by doing those things. We started with taking away things like his tape player at night when he would not lay down as he was asked to do. We talk about how he is earning his priviledges when he is doing what we ask him to do, so its a positive thing as well as a negative thing. It did take a few weeks for him to get the hang of it, but it really works well now! When he is doing something I dont want him to do, I just remind him about earning his priviledges and usually he comes around quickly now.

Sleeping in mommy and daddy's room is a priviledge and can be taken away if he is jumping on the bed....that type thing.

[Mommiska]

OH, dear - I hear you about 3 year olds! My 3 year old is being quite difficult at the moment - a lot of the same things you describe. Nothing we say is right, nothing we do is right. We never guess what she wants, etc., etc.

The one thing that helps is that I remember going through the same thing with dd1 (who is almost 5) and I think it only lasted about a month - so this, too, will pass!

When dd2 demands something, or grunts in response to a question, etc., I say something along the lines of, "I like to hear, 'Mommy, may I please have some...' " Quite often, she responds by grunting in an annoyed way - or else she'll tell us, 'Don't talk to me!'

Lovely, huh? Again, I just give her the acceptable way to tell me she doesn't want to talk right now, and leave it at that.

The sippy cup on the floor - I agree with taking things away when they are thrown like that. I think when she demanded that you pick it up, I probably would have said, 'I'm sorry, but it's your responsibility to pick things up when you throw them. But if you'd like some help with picking it up, let me know'.

Then just ignore it. Or perhaps say something about that not being an acceptable way to talk to people (demanding that they do things).

My dd1 did a similar thing once (threw her cup on the floor and told me I could pick it up when I was ready!). At that time, I told her that it was her responsibility to pick things up when she threw them down. Then ignored it.

A few minutes later she asked for help making some toast. I reminded her about the cup and told her I'd be happy to help with the toast, but the cup needed to be picked up as someone could trip on it (or something like that) - so she picked it up.

It sounds to me as if you are handling things pretty well - this is a difficult age. And I do think it often feels as if your words aren't having an impact - but they are. It just isn't immediate.

But I promise - if you keep treating your dd with respect and giving her acceptable ways to express her frustration/tell you she wants to do things differently/etc. she WILL eventually get it. I'm being pleasantly surprised by my almost 5 year old at the moment! (hopefully it won't take 2 years for you guys!).

Actually...when dd1 was going through this phase, it really was only a phase. It passed, and she was fine...until the next phase (and on parenting goes...)

[beanma]

hmmmmm...

i have a very ummm independent (notreally the right word) 3.5 yr old. she knows what she wants and when she wants it. my advice on the cup would be allow her more autonomy by showing her how to get her own water. (does she drink water? 'cause that's really easiest and less messy. you could get a little plastic pitcher for juice or milk, though.) when she's thirsty she can go to the cabinet get her own cup and put water/juice or whatever in it. you'll have to think about how this will work best for your family. my dd1 has been getting her own glasses out of the cabinet by pulling a big chair over and then putting water in from our spring water canister/cooler thing. she can also reach the tap at the sink from her big chair and the dispenser in the fridge door. i haven't tried the pitcher idea yet, but she might really like it so i might. i think she feels such a sense of empowerment from doing things herself.

on the clothes vs breakfast. that's a hard one for us. i don't push clothes at all unless we're going outside so dd1 knows she has to get dressed if we're going to go somewhere. if i can tell she's in a "nothing" mood lately, sometimes i'll just hold out the undies so she can step in them w/o saying anything about getting dressed or what does she want to wear today. breakfast, i usually just pt something out for her and tell her it's on the table and we're eating. sometimes i ask her what she wants, but if she's in that "nothing" phase sometimes it works better for me to just avoid the question.

hth

[Ynez]

Thanks for the responses -- I do think that some of what's going on is due to DD wanting more autonomy and that's been difficult for DH and I. DH especially tends to 1) tell her not to do things, 2) do things for her -- this is because he grew up in a very regimented home and he's also overprotective (he would agree with this assessment and is trying to change).

For example, yesterday DD was trying to pull a leaf off a bush and DH told her not to but then stopped himself -- his first thought was that he didn't want to destroying the bush but I reminded him, it's only one leaf!

So, we're going to try to give her more independence and chill about little things. Hopefully, we'll avoid these battles -- at least some of them.

[~Megan~]

I don't know how much help I'd be. If my dd doesn't want to make a choice after I've offered then I tell her I'm going to make it for her and then do so.

The bossiness I can't help with but my dd is doing it too. She tells me what to do all the time which sorta makes sense because we tell her what to do all the time and she's picking up on that. So I've been trying to phrase it in a different way by asking her for a favor if I want her to do something for me or I explain why I'm asking her to do a certain thing.

[Mizelenius]

If DD says "nothing," I repeat her choices assertively. I don't say anything else but "Do you choose ____ or _____?" That usually works. I then say "You made a choice! You chose ___." (I got this idea from the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.)

When that doesn't work, I do what Megan does . . .if DD says "nothing" instead of making a choice, I let her know that if she doesn't want to choose, I'll choose for her. I feel like it can potentially sound like a threat, so I try to be careful of how I say it.

Also, I try to limit how many times I offer a choice at all so as to not even get into a conflict/put that burden on her (i.e. when she's tired or already overwhelmed).