Hitting. How do you deal with it??

[delighted.mama]

: I am starting to think my GD approach to aggressive behavior is not getting through to my spirited 2 1/2 year old dd. It all culminated when she hit another adult. This is what happened. Let me know what you think about the way I handled it, or how you have handled similar situations.

I was at the park with a couple of other moms when a woman came up to me and told me that dd had come up to her and hit her on the thigh. I was mortified! I totally missed when she hit her. Anyway, the woman, I think, expected me to spank her or at least yell at her. She was really mad, and mean too. The way she was telling me, you would think dd was a 7 year old who hauled off and slugged her. But I digress....I profusely apologized and turned to dd, who was on the slide. I asked her to come down. She could tell that I wasn't happy and refused to come down. I told her that she could either come down or I could help her down. She refused, so I had to climb up there and "help" her down. We then went and sat on a bench for a "time to calm down" (i.e. a form of emotional timeout in my mind) session. I told her that she can't hit other people. "When you hit, we can't play at the park." "Hitting hurts." ETC, ETC. I also told her that she couldn't play with other kids until she was calm. This lasted about 3 minutes. Then, she was off playing again. Should I have simply left?

It happened again the next day, except dd didn't hit. She just kept waving her arms at this little boy and saying "no" because she didn't want him to be on the slide with her. I heard the boy's mom tell her "you need to be nice to other kids." It made me feel so horrible, like dd was some totally out of control kid. It made me mad too, at dd, for acting that way. She isn't like that all the time, but you couldn't tell by her actions at the park!

I've noticed that whenever she doesn't like the look of someone or if she feels uncomfortable, she will resort to hitting. IF she hits me, I will immediately put her down and tell her "when you hit me, I can't be by you." she immediately starts to cry and runs to me. I tell her "I can be with you if you don't hit" and she will just melt into me. Although it only lasts a couple of minutes, it is a draining process.

Tell me, how do you prevent/stop your toddler from hitting. I totally understand where the action is motivated. But, even knowing what the cause is doesn't make the action right. KWIM?? It still drives me CRAZY and makes me feel like I have a totally uncontrollable child on my hand, or at the very least, like I am somehow enabling that behavior.

What do you do with your hitting toddler? What are some key phrases you use. I have scoured many parenting books, but I always am looking for new ways to handle things. THANKS!

Libby

[maya44]

The one thing is that I think that if there is a woman at the park who has to come up and tell you what your two year old did, you weren't paying all that close attentiln Now maybe your park is very safe and no problem. But maybe DD is trying to get you to pay more attention to her. Like would that mom of the other kid have said anything if you had seen what was going on and jumped in first, as soon as your dd started the arm waving and the "no's" and said "you have to let other kids share the slide or stop playing here."

[asherah]

Wow, that is a pretty harsh way to talk to someone who is asking for help. And it makes a lot of assumptions you really have no basis for making. Hitting is a pretty normal toddler behavior.

Delighted Mama-
I am sure you were mortified to hear your dd had hit an adult at the park. It probably didn't help that the woman was so nasty, too. I think you handled it well by apologising and calling dd down from the slide to talk to her. I think it is also right to tell dd we can't play at the park if there is hitting.
I don't think I would have made her leave if it was the first time.. but I would definitely leave in the future when she hits.

The other situation.. well she wasn't hitting the other child. And I don't totally hover over my ds when he is playing, I try to watch from a close distance and give the kids a chance to deal themselves before I move in. But yeah, I would have moved in pretty quickly if I saw ds doing that and keeping other kids off the slide.

Still, I really think you are doing the right stuff.. I think it just takes time for it to sink in. Luckily my ds hasn't hit anyone but ME... and when he does I just stop what we are doing and say "You hurt Mommy's body when you hit. And Mommy can't (nurse, play, whatever) when she is hurting. We can (nurse, play whatever) when you are gentle with Mommy."

I am sure you were very embarrassed when that happened. And maybe some more experience mamas here will have some more magic words about hitting for you.

[CaraHere]

Hitting and Kicking Rule in Our House

This may help in the long run. We have a rule in our house:

"No one hits and no one kicks in our house."

Whenever we had a hitting episode (luckily there were not that many), we used the same words over and over and over (including outside the home). No long story, just the same words. I even hear our kids say it to each other.

I agree, you did the right thing telling your daughter she couldn't play at the park if she hit. The next time, you actually have to do it and leave the park. It's hard. {{HUGGS}}

The consistency is what I think works in the long run.

[delighted.mama]

Asherah, thanks for the kind words and thoughtful reply. I don't like to hover either and usually there is no need for me to do that. I think that dd was overstimulated on both days, and I should have picked up on that sooner. Fortunately, this isn't something that happens all the time, but when it does, it is frustrating. I'd like to minimize it as much as possible and prevent any future instances like that.

Maya43, your post was rather condescending and rude, IMO. Moreover, it did not address the question that I posed in the original post. Namely, I was looking for suggestions on how to better handle such situations, when they arise, not an analysis of any perceived failures on my part. Perhaps you did not understand that fact and should re-read the post or simply refrain from offering negative comments.

I don't believe that I should hover over my dd when she is playing nicely. The two instances that I articluated in the OP were ones that happened quickly and unexpectedly. They are not usually the norm. With the first situation, admittedly, I did not see what happened. That was my fault and I should have taken better care to make certain dd was behaving appropriately. With the second situation, I was standing just a few feet away. It happened so quickly that I didn't have time to respond. Afterwards, I took dd off the playground equipment and discussed the situation with her.

Although I do not balk at having my methods questioned (that's why I wrote the post in the first place) I much prefer to hear *constructive* criticism.

Clarahere, thanks for the advice. I definitely have to stick to my guns and leave next time. Until now, a gentle reprimand would work with dd. But, now that she is 2 1/2, she's a little more savvy and will try to do it again. Thanks for the reminder to be consistent. It really is the key.


Libby

[maya44]

I did not mean to be rude. I meant that if this is happening at the park and it results in your pulling DD aside, spending time alone with her, it may be this that she is craving. If hitting results in private time with you in a situation where you were not hovering maybe that is why she was hitting.
I don't mean that you "should" have been paying closer attention. It is good not to hover in a safe environment when your child is comfortable. It's just that maybe she is telling you that right now she needs this.

The answer might be to pay very close attention to her the next time at the park and see if this makes her less likely to hit or act up. I should say that I don't believe this is "manipulative" behavior on her part. I just think sometimes our kids do things wrong because they really need extra attention, even when they don't seem to need it. Maybe she is feeling a pull between being independant (which you are allowing) and needing more attention. I think it is pretty common at this age to be torn between the two things.

I was not implying that you are not a good mother, just that the solution may be to give her extra attention for a while before the hitting takes place, not after.

[sunnmama]

We've been there. My dd hit a bunch at this age, but (luckily) mostly limited her hitting to me and dh and boys that were much bigger than her (like, 2 years older and a full foot taller). I guess she liked a challenge :LOL

I think my best advice is be patient. There is no magic formula for stopping hitting--she may need to learn self control AND alternative responses before the hitting totally stops.

Some things to try:
Make it clear that hitting is wrong. I would say "hitting is wrong." (pretty clear? ) Stay away from "not nice", etc--cause that is vague. It is wrong, and it is wrong because it hurts. It is unacceptable.

Give her better alternatives:
Call mommy for help when she needs it.
Give her the words to express her feelings in the moment.
Let her express her pov.

Supervise closely. Once I knew that we were in a hitting phase (we had a couple--each lasting a few weeks), I would stay close and mostly listen. She didn't have to know I was close. Really I wanted to catch the tension *before she hit, so I could help her avoid hitting if needed. For us, it was just too difficult to sort out the cause after the fact--she was already upset (or wouldn't be hitting), and me removing her to talk would incite a rage. Really unproductive. So, for us at least, it was really helpful to step up the supervision for a couple weeks to catch the strong feelings/frustration/anger before the hitting occurs.

Role Play:
This remains one of my favorite and most successful parenting tools. Role play the situation later in the day--with dolls or with your own bodies. Switch roles--you are the child and she is the mom. See what comes out--does she repeat the messages? Has she internalized the message? Can she GD a dolly who hits? Can she give the dolly better alternative? Really, really powerful tool.

Be patient with your dd--and with yourself! You are doing a great job!

[rubysmomjess]

In defense of maya43... My 19mo dd hits me when she's not getting the attention she wants. She's voicing her frustration with me in a way since she doesn't have the words for it, yet. It's not to say that you're a bad mom or you're not watching her closely enough, but maybe she's asking for you to "hover" a bit more closely. It's an idea....

That being said I do say stuff like "nice touches only" and "use your words" and I put her down when she hits me. She still hits but I think eventually she will understand there are better ways to express frustration.

[Piglet68]

also in defense of maya43...I was sort of thinking the same thing, that it would be alot easier for you if you did hover a bit more, now that you know this is a problem.

And i'm wondering about what you said that she does this when she is uncomfortable with someone - perhaps she feels a bit helpless and hitting is the only way she can express that feeling of discomfort. Maybe you could rehearse scenarios where someone who makes her uncomfortable is near her: she can move away, play somewhere else, come and tell you, call for you to come, etc...

I do think the woman your DD hit was a rude cow, and frankly I would probably have let the whole thing go b/c 1) i didn't see it so have no idea what *really* happened, and 2) my DD would not be able to go over in detail something that had passed in time (but my DD is only 2, so maybe in six months she would?). I prefer to deal with things right when they happen so the connection is made (and I know the full story).

I think if I were in your shoes I would hover more, and try to prevent the action, or at least be right there to discipline immediately if it did happen (I know these things can happen in the blink of an eye). If I couldn't actually stop DD from getting out a hit, I would go grab her (I would not ask her to come to me, that's like asking a dog to come to you so you can punish them for running away - they are too smart for that and so is a kid, lol) and then I would have a talk with her just like you did, and tell her the same things, that if she can't stop hitting people we will have to go home.

All in all I think you handled it well.

[Electra375]

Hitting happens. I think the woman in the park was totally out of line, does she even have kids??? Out of line, By being nasty about the situation. :
I think you handled the situation well. You know I have three, one being an infant. It is extremely difficult to watch every second of each child's day at the park. But as mother's we should all understand that and be considerate of other mother's by being nice.
As for the other mother correcting your child, I'd have said something to the effect, if you have a problem with my child, please come to me and I will handle my child. I do not appreciate your correcting/ disiplining/ ordering my child around, it isn't your place. (Calmly and directly, it truly isn't anyone's place but mom's and dad's and if you give permission to someone such as your MIL or mother)
My toddler pushes other kids, which I think is a bit more dangerous than just hitting. He is now 27 months old, but even before he turned 2, I had him try to say he was sorry to the person. I would firmly tell him at his level that pushing wasn't nice and that he was a nice boy. Then I would tell him he hurt the little child, he needs to say he is sorry. It sometimes ended up being a kiss. (children and families we know)
A few of my friends and I are really getting annoyed by other people stepping on our toes and being rude about it when it comes to parenting. We have started to really kick back with calm words, we aren't letting ppl touch our kids, ppl always want to touch the babes nursing in slings or not, tell our kids how to behave, get away with commenting on our parenting style or our children negatively, etc.
My favorite line to use is "do you feel better having said that? Good, you have a blessed day, you deserve it since you feel so good now." With a smile...

[rebeckyr]

My DD is 22 months and hits alot - mainly me and DH. She went through a phase where she hit playmates but *thankfully* that passed.

I think it has a lot to do with the age - we don't hit, her sitter says DS doesn't hit there (and I believe her).

Now when she hits I tell her to say sorry - 50% of the time she does and another 50% she won't - she is angry. I tell her, mommy doesn't want to read that book until you apologize or mommy doesn't like to cuddle when her baby hits her. She will eventually say sorry (within a minute or less). And then the episode is over.

I think its a phase - let her know you don't like it. As far as her telling other children no, I would say - we need to share the slide/book/water fountain or whatever it is and if we can't I would pick her up and take her to another thing.