How to deal when an older child hits?

[bente]

[maya44]

The third thing I would not be terribly concerned about. If its with a sibling I'd just tell both to knock it off.

Hitting babies by a five year old though is in my opinion not a good sign. 5 or 6 year olds just should not be doing this. Even the "wild child" type boys I know just would not delberately hit a baby. Either its part of a larger problem with the child that needs to be dealt with (like an impulse control problem), or something is really bothering the child and you need to find out what. Hitting non-relative adults also is to me a sign of a larger problem that is in need of help rather than discipline.

[mamaduck]

My first concern would be that the child hadn't learned to express his feelings verbally. Or that the child did not have an adult in his life willing to listen to his feelings in a non-judgemental and receptive way, and help him come up with better ways to solve problems. My experience is that hitting behaviors can be resolved when they are 3-4 years old by teaching them to "use their words," and by making an effort to listen and respect their words when they choose to use them, and by working with them on their developing problem solving skills.

My second concern would be that someone is hurting him. I think children who are hit by parents or caregivers are more likely to lash out and attempt to solve their own problems in a similar way. Probably not while their parent is looking... but maybe on the playground.

But if the child is treated gently, and listened to, and has been taught to use words effectively, and actively taught constructive strategies for dealing with reasonable amounts of frustration.... then I would agree with Maya that maybe a larger problem looms.

bente -- can you tell us a little more? Is this about your child, or the child of someone you know?

[Dar]

Rain had horrible meltdowns at 5 and 6 where she would spend half an hour or more trying to hit me, spit on me, kick me... whatever. In the short term I would restrain her if that was theonly way I could protect myself, and sometimes that actually seemed to help, because she would fight and fight and fight until she suddenly broke down and sobbed in my arms. At times I tried closing myself into a room and not letting her in, but that seemed to terrify her more. We did eventually get to a point where she was willing to go off by herself and shove notes under the door to me, and we'd do that back and forth... but me leaving her was not good.

Paying attention to sleep and food helped, but this was the year she was in kindergarten, so mostly what solved the problem was taking her out of school. It didn't fix things right away, but they did taper off and within 6 months it was over.

I do think she wans't getting enough sleep - she never got used to waking up early, even by the end of the school year. She's just not made that way. The larger problem, though, was how stressed out school made her, and how she stuffed all that all day long and was perfect at school, and then let loose at home.

Not to make this a school thing... but 5 or 6 is when kids generally start school. Anyway, I know that's why Rain was hitting me.

She never seemed inclined to hit babies. Other kids rarely , but I didn't worry much about it - there always seemed to be an interaction going on where two kids were just frustrated and one or the other or both lashed out for a moment.

Dar

[bente]

[mamaduck]

That sounds really hard and NOT normal, bente.

Dar -- ftr, I really think a child hitting *mom* is a different issue. I agree that starting school and feeling tired lowers their ability to cope more constructively. I think they hit mom or dad because they feel the most comfortable with mom or dad, and they let down their guard and cut loose a bit. I used to get the feeling from my son that he was spending all day at school working hard on being "good," and then he just had no more resources once he got home. Though he wasn't hitting me -- there were a lot of melt downs that first year.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Dar -- ftr, I really think a child hitting *mom* is a different issue. . I think they hit mom or dad because they feel the most comfortable with mom or dad, and they let down their guard and cut loose a bit. I used to get the feeling from my son that he was spending all day at school working hard on being "good," and then he just had no more resources once he got home. Though he wasn't hitting me -- there were a lot of melt downs that first year.

ITA! Hitting a parent, while not that great, is to me within the bounds of normal for a 5-7 y.o. I'd make it clear I didn't like it, but understand that kids are sometimes on their last nerve after they have spend alot of time being "mature" in the outside world.

Hitting another adult or a baby though, not normal. This is a child in need of bigger help.

[bente]

[mamaduck]

I guess not having physical contact would be exactly where I'd start. This child should not have access to your baby.