what do I want to do with my life???

[isadore]

Hi,
this is the first time I've visited this forum...

Anyway, I am a stay at home mom of a 4 year old and a 10 month old. I love being at home, breastfeeding, and attachment parenting, and some homeschooling. The thing is, I need something for ME. I am currently in training to be a Le Leache League leader. I also thought about becoming a doula, but I need to wait until my 10 month old can go 24hrs without mom (for those long labors)....she is far too spirited to bring to a birth.

Has anyone else felt like even though they are stay at home moms that you still don't know what you want to do with your life?

I want to make a difference...I want to make my mark. but I don't know how, or what I want. I will be 30 soon, and I wonder if that has anything to do with it....

holly

[menanny]

Hi, Holly.

Such an important question!! I have two sons, ages 3 & 6. When ds #1 was born, I retired from the executive world and plunged headlong into mothering. Somewhere along the line, I realized I had lost myself altogether. What helped me was to rediscover my passion about art -- something I hadn't done anything with for years and years. Now I'm drawing, painting, sculpting, writing music...it has been fabulous.

Seems to me the best way to figure out what you should do with your life is to find your passion. And I heard one way to do that...if you can't figure it out right off...is to think about what you loved when you were young. I don't watch Oprah, but my friend had me over one day and we watched it together -- it was about this very subject. All these moms who were giving their lives to their families and leaving nothing for themselves. So this dr. advised several women to pursue some things that used to give them joy and it was a great spring board!

Sounds like you have some exciting aspirations with LLL & possibly becoming a doula. I actually started the LLL leadership application process but stopped when I realized that I couldn't be as detached as a good leader needs to be. It would be too excruciating for me to advise new moms and then step back and let them decided to possibly wean their new babies. It's a personal issue with me -- no doubt related to my own mothering when I was a baby. But I was able to enjoy LLL for a number of years and then move on to things that were more about me and less about babies.

Finding the balance is key. Finding your passion is the answer. I believe that making this journey toward our authenticity is the reason we are here. Good luck on your path.

[sunmountain]

This is an issue very close to my heart. When I graduated from college with a BA in Philosophy, it finally hit me that I would have to go on to more schooling if I was going to do anything with my degree apart from being a substitute teacher
We currently have four children, and some days I just feel brain-dead trying to fulfill all of their needs and my dh's as well. I have gone from wanting to homeschool to appreciating Montessori, from needing to work PT to "get away" to being so overwhelmed by my duties at home that I realized I couldn't be a good mom if I worked outside while they were little, from wanting to go to law school to thinking about an MA in Sociology. I feel now as if I am overwhelmed with choices...do I concentrate on voluteer work when they are all in school, or do I go back to school? What if they get sick during finals: Is 40 or 50 too old to go for my MA? In the meantime, what do I do with myself?
menanny, I think you have a great piece of advice. It was once given to me thus, "Find out what you love to do, then fugure out a way to make money with it."

[menanny]

Sunmountain, you'll never be too old to pursue your dreams!! I've seen a dear friend of mine blossom incredibly since her 50th birthday. If you're 40 before you start that master's degree, then perhaps that will be the perfect timing! I know how it feels to be overwhelmed by choices and trying to fit them into being a mother. I, too, went from being totally dedicated to homeschooling to considering that having someone else teach my child would allow me valuable time to myself. When DS #1 was born, I became an attachment parent -- a choice I've never regretted. However, it can be so hard to maintain the balance between attachment parenting and keeping one's individuality intact.

I have a friend who "pushed" me into pursuing my love of art again (she's totally an angel from heaven). She found a class for me to take and said she would watch my boys. That was the first step...and for the next classes, I felt strong enough to make arrangements for my kids to be cared for by others (a real struggle for me). Anyway, she was the one who said to me, "Do what you love and the money will follow." It's wonderful, hope-filled advice.

Having so many choices can be frustrating, but it can also be exhilerating (sp?)! I go back & forth on that all the time. Thank goodness for the Mothering boards!

[sunmountain]

isadore, I thought of something that stuck with me about your post. I also considered being a doula, but the time commitment is also too much for me. But you can train to be a post-partum doula, helping with breastfeeding, food prep, how to take care of a newborn for new moms, and childcare for the others. You can schedule a few hours a day to go help another woman after the birth, c-secs are in desperate need of that type of care, esp.

[ladylee]

Yes, I do feel that everything has changed and I'm not really in a position to take actions right now, but that's alright. I've become comfortable with "not knowing" and have relieved myself of the burden of having to figure it all out. I've told myself that I'm doing precisely what I'm meant to be doing right now, and that will change when the time is right.

I do have some things I'd like to pursue--namely my Reiki practice and writing, possibly teach yoga again. And I'm adding new skills to compliment what I do, such as reading the Tarot. One day I'll know the time is right to do those things, as well as mothering.

[merpk]

I'm envious of your studying to be a LLL leader. After DS#1 was born I wanted to do that, too, but have to be a WAHM, no choice financially, so there goes that.

Try that. Maybe if that's not it, it'll open another door for you, since it's the direction of your life right now, even without the studying part, IYKWIM.

- Amy

[SueZVudu]

Composing a Life

I would recommend reading Composing a Life by Mary Catherine Bateson (daughter of Margaret Mead!) She follows the lives of five women, each with different backgrounds and occupations. To sum it up:

"It is time to explore the creative potential of interrupted and conflicted lives, where energies are not narrowly focused or permanently pointed toward a single ambition. These are not lives without commitment, but rather lives in which commitments are continually refocused and redefined." from the book

I struggled with this issue a lot before dd came along. I even went to see an expensive career therapist, and we had just decided on a course of action for me when -- surprise! -- I got pregnant. I've now focused on being a good mother and homemaker, something I had previously thought of as being very un-feminist, degrading, and un-worthwhile. Now I realize that I'm no longer focused on impressing other people, on doing something that would impress my former classmates at a class reunion (I'm not saying this is what you want to do, isadore--it's what I wanted to do.) I've channeled my creative energies into writing and photography, something I never had time for before. DD is only four months old, so I don't have a lot of time for such things now, but I'm sure I'll have more in the future. I've also started researching my family's genealogy. It's my own way of leaving my mark on the world, leaving something to future generations.

Volunteer work is a really good way to leave a mark on the world. As soon as DD is a little older, I'm going to start volunteering at a local home for teenage mothers. I'm not sure what I'll do -- I'd love to teach a class, but even if it's just mopping floors, I'll feel like I'm doing a lot (especially if I'm wearing DD in a sling while mopping -- being a good example!) You can also get valuable work experience and networking through volunteer work that will help if you later want a career in the field or want to further your education.