Need suggestions to help DH understand...

[lovingit]

...why I will want my other babes there at delivery...

Hello everyone...

I am new on this side of the boards . I'm usually lurking at Diapering or WAHM Well...but I am so glad that you guys are here!

We are TTC. I have 2 boys, Greggy who is a little more than 3 and our Cooper who is 23 months.

I had a c-section with Greggy and a VBAC with Coop...and I am working my way to be comfortable having a homebirth. I have a lot of reading and trusting to work on . Anyhoo...

I do know that I would like my boys to be present at the birth. I want them to see their sibling born, to know that babies come from mamas. I have a multitude other feelings as to why I want to have them there, but I am not able to express them to him because I am not articulate enough about this yet. Probably because I am still learning myself about other childbirth options and experiences.

Dh thinks that it would be traumatic, seeing the blood and fluids, seeing mama not feeling well, and seeing mama's private parts.

Can you give me suggestions as so how I can approach this?

Thanks so much!

[plantmommy]

So NOT traumatic. I had my older there at dd's birth, and will have all three at this one.

It helps them to feel a part of this growing family, and part of the birth process, and I think, deep down, it brings them to a realization of how they came into this world, and how they are a part of me as is the new baby, and we are all sort of a part of eachother. (ok, now I'm getting sappy, but...)

I think the attitude of the people there will greatly affect the children, and as long as it's all normal, positive, etc., the kids take everything in stride.

Also, understanding by seeing how the baby comes out, very simply eliminates any of the "give the baby back!" crap you can get from those kids who aren't witness to the event. They know that baby ain't going back where it came from; it's here for good, one way or another.

Seriously, when ds was born and I was gone for three days and came home with a new baby, there was a LOT of resentment and anger on dd's part. But when dd2 was born, and ds and dd were both there, they welcomed her into our family with open arms. dd offered her lovey to dd2, ds told me to rub the new baby's back to sleep, instead of his, that very first night. We had no conflicts at all about the new baby until she was toddling and getting into their stuff.

[cottonwood]

My boys were 2 and 4 years old when I had my third baby (at home.) They seemed somewhat oblivious to the first part of labor -- being cared for by their papa and being able to watch cartoons probably helped with that. I think it was not a big deal for them because they were in a familiar place, on their turf, and because their papa and I weren't behaving as if something was wrong. They pretty much just followed our lead. They've seen us be sick or injured (throwing up, headaches, sprained ankles, cuts, etc.) and because we have dealt with these things calmly, they haven't been traumatized by them; so I don't believe they would see much distinction between those things and the pain and blood associated with birth.

Another thing that I think can really help to prepare them is to simulate what will go on during the birth. For instance, "mama may be making REALLY loud noises" (and demonstrate, and have them make them with you.) Or, "mama won't be able to talk to you, but that's just because I'm concentrating on getting the baby out." Or, "there will be a lot of stuff coming out of mama, like blood and water, but it's just the home that the baby has been living in. It's not because I'm hurt." Also, watching birth videos together may give you a better idea of how they will be affected. My kids have seen so many birth videos I think they're kind of desensitized.

Anyway... my 2-year-old had fallen asleep by the time the labor got really hard (hard to believe because I was making so much noise) but my 4-year-old dealt with it beautifully and was very comforting and supportive. One of my most cherished memories of the birth involves something very sweet and caring that he did for me. He also fell asleep before the baby was born, but even if he had witnessed it I don't think it would have registered as something bad -- it was quick (as spontaneous, unmanaged births tend to be,) his papa was calm, and I was feeling fine (and happy) immediately afterwards. Seeing that, I think he would have also felt that everything was okay and nothing to get upset about.

This next time both my boys (now 5 and 7) very much want to be at the birth. (My daughter, 3, doesn't seem to care either way, though I know that if she thought something special was going on she would be mad if she were excluded.) I'm torn, because I may want to be able to do certain things with my husband that we only do in private. But I have no doubt that they could handle seeing the birth itself.

[MomInCalifornia]

My husband and I have talked abou this quite a bit as well. Our daughter will be turning 2 two days before I am due with this baby, so she will still be pretty young. While we would love for her to have the experience of being at the birth, we also want to be respectful of her needs, which means allowing her to do what she wants at the time. My mom will be here as her "buddy" and will pretty much just follow Abigails lead. If Abby wants to be in the room with us, she can be. If she has lots of energy and she wants to go to the park, thats what they will do. I am having a home birth, so it will be very easy for her to be in and out as she wishes.

We have decided that if I go into labor at night while Abby is sleeping, we will not wake her up. At her age, I just think sleep is very important. Depending on what time it is (early morning or just after she went to bed) we may wake her up just as the baby is about to be born. Again, we will really play it by ear.

I think it is such an amazing thing for children to see natural birth, though I also understand at my daughters age it might be difficult to see her mommy making weird noises or in pain. I also wonder if she will want to jump in the labor spa with me and splash and swim Thi sis why we will just go with the flow, so to speak.

She has watched birth videos with me and we talk about the baby and such, but at 19 months there is only so much understanding on her part.

Good luck with your decision!

Sarah

[georgia]

For me, it is very important that my children get to experience life as was designed to be, if they want to. Birth is an integral part of life. Birth is a normal part of our experience. There's no shame in what the body does or how it looks, and I don't want to pass along any negativity (if at all possible) about birth being some scary, secret, awful thing as so often it's portrayed as in popular culture.

If my children want to be there, great! If not, I completely respect that as well. Mommy is working really hard----there will be blood, but it's good blood. Mommy's not hurt, it's just part of getting our new baby here, etc. My dc have seen a ton of birth videos (they beg to watch them!), and my oldest was there for my youngest's birth. We'll see how this one plays out...

Warmest wishes!

[lovingit]

Thank you so much for your responses . With it I am better armed when he and I talk about it again.