when throwing a fit do you just lay them down and walk away??

[birthmommom]

My sister does this with her 23 mo old dd, and i dont agree. so now when every my dd has a fit my mom tell me to put her down or tell me to "just ignore her and she will get over it!"

Usually when dd has a fit about something i try to hold her and get her to calm down, and a lot of times she arches her back like she wants to get down. that normally makes it worse! But if i do put her down i am right next to her and a few mins later i pick her up again. I feel as though sometimes she gets worked up and needs help calming down, adn other times i just want her to know i am here to comfort her. I also think that everytime she cries someone should pick her up and hug her.

My sister has been doing this since her dd was about 10 mo, and boy can she throw a fit. she used to hurt herself a lot, and that would get her nowhere but hurt and on the floor. actually her pedi told her to do this!!!

anyway... this is not to judge my sister, but to get your opinion.

[Jennifer Z]

In general, if I do lay him down I stay near him and talk to him and rub his back (or whatever seems appropriate). As he has gotten older and the reason for the tantrums has become more clear, if it is a total "I want my way" screamfest, I will put him down and walk away and not fuel the fire. I usually say something like "It looks like you are really angry" or "I know, it's frustrating when we can't have what we want" in a voice that matches the intensity without the whining or anger. If there are compounding circumstances (tired, hungry, needs new diaper, ect) I will first make sure those needs are met in as gentle of way as I can.

In all honesty, there are times when I just get overwhelmed and lay him down and walk away for a minute to gather myself so I can be reasonable again. In that situation, it is the lesser of two evils (yelling mommy vs. walking away), but it certainly isn't how I want to handle things.

[4Marmalade]

During the early stages of a tantrum I can sometimes get to ds fast enough and hold him, nurse him or talk him through it. If the tantrum occurs anyway it usually includes him hitting and biting me so I need to put him down. I don't leave the room though. I will make sure he is safe and walk away a bit. Whenever he reaches a point where he starts to slow down a bit and become quiet I will talk to him (I see that you are really angry, etc...) and tell him that I am there for a hug with no hitting or biting whenever he is done. He will either continue with the tantrum or come for a cuddle. Once he really calms down we can sometimes talk about what happened but most times it's over quickly and he's on to other things.

[magnoliablue]

When my kids had tantrums, I held them gently and tried to calm them down. When they would arch their back, I made sure I was near a surface where they could be laid down, such as the couch or bed. I would reassure them that I would be there for them when they calmed down, and depending on the reason for the tantrum..if it was just overtired meltdown, I stayed right there next to them. If it was a case of the "gimmies" I would give them their space, letting them know when they were ready to talk to me about it I would be right there..but I never ventured far from them.

I would not call it "ignoring" them if you allow them some space to resolve their feelings in their own time..sometimes they just need the space to get it out..especially if you let them know that you are right there for them when they need you. Boy, sometimes I wish I could have a thrashing, screaming tantrum, then have my mama hug me and make everything better,lol

[asherah]

Yes, actually I do exactly that at times.

Sometimes ds just needs to get his emotions out. If he has reached that level of frustration, sometimes he needs his space.

I don't do it in a punitive way. I try holding and soothing and back rubbing first.. and if it doesn't work, I put him down and say "I am sorry you feel so bad. I will be ready to play, eat, nurse (whatever) when you are" and I walk away.

Sometimes he follows and wants to be held.. other times he just gets over it and starts playing.

[maya44]

I also leave my child their space when they are tantruming. They are older now and we don't have many tantrums (yea!), but I find that sometimes kids need to learn:

I can be miserable and feel horrible and then without getting the thing that I want, I can get over it all by myself.

However, now when they happen, I try to use it as a teaching moment. When my dd broke something that she loved she was just hysterical. I tried sympathy, empathy, offering hugs, but she kept pulling away. I finally said. "I'll be over there, when you need a hug." she kept yelling and fusssing for a few minutes and then got over it and came and found me and got a big hug.

A few weeks later, she was really upset about something. She said something like "I will never get over it!" I said "I know you feel that way now, but remeber when you broke your glass doggie, and you felt bad, but then you felt better. This will happen again. It may take a little time but you will feel better. She said "I think I am going to go to my room and cry for a while." I asked her if she wanted me to come with and she said no. She came out of her room 20 minutes later. She said kind of laughing "I Do feel better."

[Eustacia]

I treat the specific situation with whatever approach will let my dd regain control of herself. I try holding her and whispering a bit but if she slinks down my legs and crumples on the floor I let her. She's actually not a real tantrum girl so once she finds herself on the floor she makes her own quick recovery. I guess it's her own style but it could be that she's used to me never leaving her alone in those situations.

[darsmama]

I don't have any kids yet, but have done a lot of babysitting.
My stance is, when I'm throwing a fit---(yes, I have been known to do that a coupla times) I like to be left alone to cool off.
I would always give my nephews that luxury if that got overly ticked off and tantrumy as well. With baby Darlene, I think I'll do the same thing.

[PM]

Children need to know that is okay to have emotions. By ignoring a tantruming child the parent is telling the child "We don't want to be around you (don't like you) when you are angry (sad, frustrated, etc.).

"It is difficult to allow children to have feelings that we have been taught are unacceptable. Their emotions trigger off our own repressed, forbiedden feelings. So we back off in alarm and teach our children to follow suit.

When a child repeatedly feels that acceptance hinges on becoming an emotional carbon copy of his parents and teachers, his uniqueness and safety are threatened. Too many times the blueprint is "feel as I do to earn my love."
Dorothy Corkille-Briggs

If you want to give space say "It's OK for you to be angry but you are being so physical about it that I don't feel safe near you. I'm going to go sit on that chair." I'm not sure I would add the "until you're ready" stuff. Not that I see anything particularly bad about it. Perhaps just superfluous.

I still maintain that tantrums are not manipulation; as long as you see it that way it will affect how you work with them.

[nuggetsmom]

well, no I don't, but sometimes DD does not seem like she wants my presence and I will tell her that it is OK to be upset and that I see she needs some time to get over it and that I will be wherever (close usually in the next room) when she is ready. Often she calms down quite soon and we cuddle and talk for a while.
But this is usually for a fit that has been brewing or something. I don't know how I can tell when this will work or seems liek teh thing to do. I guess she will go off to her room and I follow her and sometimes she wants to apparently be alone. Something that also makes a difference is what my mood really is. If I feel on a short rope, then I am better off leaving like I said so I don't lose it. But I always make it clear that it os OK for her to feel that way and that it seems like she needs a minute to herself.

[GiraffeLovin'Mama]

Generally when my 8 or 7 yo dc have tantrums, I ask them to take a deep breath, count to 3, or whatever number and tell me whats bothering them so we can figure out what to do next.
My 4 yo, I talk to quietly, generally whispering in his ear that its okay to be unhappy, angry,etc and by whispering sometimes it helps him settle down and quiet down because he wants to hear me. Other times he asks me to leave him alone, so I will tell him when he has calmed down and ready to snuggle and talk to let me know.

WIth my 2 yo dd, she has tantrums, or "melts down", as I call in when she is overtired mostly or if her older siblings don't play with her when they are in the middle of something else. If I am holding her or she wants to be held, I rub her back and let her know its okay to be frustrated, etc or if she doesn't want to be held, I still stay near and rub her back if she lets me, or just talk to her an give her affirmations. Usually its over in a few minutes.

If I am having a tantrum, I usually leave the room for a few minutes, get a glass of water and regroup!!!

[bemommy]

Most of my 19 mo DD fits are because she is mad at me for not allowing her to X (hop on the kitchen table, play with dangerous objects, color on the walls and floor, or because I've had to bring her inside so that I could go pee. . ). So honestly I try to get as far away as possible so that her storm of anger and frustration doesn't hurt me. I stay close enough to make sure she doesn't hurt herself. . and I talk to her the whole time, "Sorry, honey. . I know you are mad at mommy. . .It's dangerous I don't want you to get hurt. . " Or whatever is appropriate.

If it's a sad tantrum/crying spell I of course hold her, rock her, offer milkies.

[BrettsMama]

This has been a difficult situation for us. It typically depends on his mood and how far out the tantrum is. Ds is a screamer. Blood curdling screams. My best defense has been to stop it before it starts. If I can't prevent it then I try nursing, holding, comforting, redirection, etc. But ds sometimes will get extremely ticked off if I'm trying to hold him and in comes the screaming, throwing, hitting, pinching, etc. It's taken a bit but I've learned his cues for when he wants to be left alone. In those cases, it's so much better if I just set him gently down and let him know I'll be there for him when he needs me. I also get him a cup of ice water and set it somewhere he can reach. I stay close by but don't bug him. If I talk to him, look at him, look at dh, talk to dh, MOVE, anything, he'll get even more upset. I think he just needs me and himself to be still, so he's not overstimulated. He tends to drink the water throughout the screaming and it tends to settle him little by little. He typically comes out of it within a few minutes if I do this. It's odd, sitting there like a statue. Sometimes I'll flip through one of his books. But it works for him. It's what he needs me to do. Usually when he comes out of it, he'll drink some water, come straight to me and cuddle, begin talking, and nurse. Like the flip of a switch.

[beth568]

Well, now that my DD is almost 3, I know that she's beginning to understand the connection between her actions and people's reactions. So, when she does get whiny and tantrumy, and it's really bad, I calmly tell her that I can't understand what she's saying when she whines or yells, and that when she's ready to calm down and talk to me, I'll be there. Then I do walk away - but the one thing that I am VERY careful not to do is disappear for long periods of time. If I have to leave the room, I check back with her in about 2 minutes, usually just to say that I'm still here and still waiting for her.

My mom used to give me the silent treatment for hours - sometimes days - when I was a kid, and it was terrifying. So, while I want to be able to give DD some space when she's upset, and also don't want to give her a lot of reinforcement for tantrums, I don't ever want her to feel that I've left her because I didn't like the way she was acting. I make sure to tell her that I'm leaving because a) I find the noise she's making disturbing and difficult to understand and b) I want to give her the chance to get herself calmed down. I won't ever tell her that she's acting badly and I don't want to be around her.

FWIW, I wouldn't walk away from a much younger child. I agree that, with older babies and very young toddlers, holding them or sitting right next to them is safest, both emotionally and physically.

[Piglet68]

Next time your mother is upset, ask her how it would make her feel to hear that "just ignore her and she'll get over it".

I think what you are doing is the right thing. It's what I do with my DD, too. If she's struggling too much for me to safely hold her, I'll gently lay her down and sit right next to her until she's gotten herself under control enough to want a hug (and she always wants a hug at the end). I've found as she gets older that the time it takes for her to get to that point is shorter and shorter...telling me she IS learning how to get a bit of control over her emotions, and I didn't have to make her feel bad to have that happen.

[scorpioqueen]

I'm probably in the minority but I do "ingnore" a tantrum, now first off I do try to prevent them from occuring and I have learned DD melting points (signs shes getting tired and frustrated ect..) However if a tantrum does occur I 1) address and acknowlege the situation. Honey I know you would like to finger paint but were not going to do that right now. If she wants to lie there and complain thats fine I also understand sometimes they need to blow off some steam. I also never say leave them in a room to get over it, but I do countinue with what I'm doing. So if I was washing dishes when DD comes to me pointing at her fingerpaints (on top of our fridge) and decides that she needs them RIGHT THEN! I'll yes acknowlege the situation. I see you would like to finger paint that would be fun but we can't for (whatever) reason right now. I look for signs of frustration and try to deflect if possible. Honey I can see your upset why don't we go into the living room and find a toy you can play with, or No you may not paint but you may paint with water (one of those coloring books where you just add water) or color.. but if she just decides shes going to throw her self on the floor and pout fine, It's her choice I'll go back to fininshing what I was doing before. Now I might just be lucky but my DD hasn't thrown a tantrum since she was about 15 months and probably threw about three in all. So some might depend on your own childs temperment. She still sometimes frowns and puts her head down like shes disapointed and thats okay but she knows winning and screaming wont get her anything but maybe a nap.
Deanna