How do I let papastar know that....

[TreeLove]

he's more than just a paycheck?

My dh is great, really great. He works SOOOO incredibly hard for us and I appreciate every minute of it, but I can't help feeling that he's missing out on some cool parenting stuff.

I've tried to tell him this, but it just doesn't seem to be sinkin' in. He really sees himself as the "provider" 1st and father 2nd. I know he enjoys providing us with the material essentials in life, but I really feel that the boys need him to be closer, emotionally AND not so tired and grumpy from putting in such long, hard days, but he just doesn't seem to be that kind of guy.....

Any thoughts?

[papabliss]

Hi Treelove,

What does dh think of the situation? What does he want?

Sometimes I feel like my whole existance is to provide the security so dw can work the magic she does with our kids. She is so talented and clever that I feel like a bull-parent in a china shop of kids.

To make your dh feel better, however, I suggest not discounting the work he does or the role he is playing in the family. So much in life is out of our control, but that does not mean we have to feel bad about what we have to do.

It can be a no-win situation when work and life collide, but it does not have to be a lose-lose one.

Good luck.

pb

[Maracita]

Wow! You are so lucky... at least compared to some of us.
Maybe it would help to do special things your dh would enjoy too on the days he has off with the kids, and to have the kids do something nice for him too. I am sure he must love you and the kids much, but I think it might work well to provide him with 'secret' opportunities to be with them (why don't you show youd ds/dd the thing you do so well while I look up something etc.).
Good luck, sometimes life gets to us all.

[Xenogenesis]

I try to remember to write down cute and interesting things the kids have done or said throughout the day. Sometimes I email dh with snippets or phone him. I'm sure he feels like he gets to share in some of these moments when I include him like this.

[CerridwenLorelei]

one thing that dh

likes sometimes is if I write a letter about what we did throughout the day
That way he can see we don't really just sit around and by reading he gets to feel like he got to be a part of it though he was not here...

[Thalia]

You might want to read Pepper Schwartz's Peer Marriage as a couple, which has a great chapter on the pitfalls of the provider complex. It really changed my thinking about it, and as a result I think we'll be able to make different choices (better ones for DH) when it's time for us to have little ones.

[Thalia]

You might want to read Pepper Schwartz's Peer Marriage as a couple, which has a great chapter on the pitfalls of the provider complex. It really changed my thinking about it, and as a result I think we'll be able to make different choices (better ones for DH) when it's time for us to have little ones.