Anyone else feeling nervous about this prenancy/birth?

[goodcents]

I feel a little nervous - and I am not sure why. I am having a hard time separating if my feelings are directly connected to the welfare of the baby growing in me (of course they are in some way) or if it is connected to the birth of my DD.

After laboring on and off for 2.5 days and 28.5 hours of serious labor my birth cascaded into an endless show of interventions. 24 hour fetal monitoring, epidureal, breaking waters, internal fetal monitor, meconium which required some serious sucking for the first five minutes of my screaming child's life (I still cry when I see the pics/hear the video of that!). . Thankfully, I didn't end up with a C-Section - but I swear it was only because this aspiring midwife, my labor nurse, came into the room, grabbed me by the hand and said "Look - you are going to birth this baby NOW or they are going to take you for a C-section. You can do this."

I really want this birth to be better, I want it to be the natural birth that I wanted the first time around. I think what makes me so angry about the first time is I was so prepared. I read everything I could, I posted here, I grilled my doctors who assured me "oh no don't worry we really encourage natural birth" , I made birth art alone and with my husband and yet I ended up with this experience that was the opposite of what I was striving for.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but somehow I feel like I failed myself. I would hate if this birth turned into the same thing, and I am terrified it will. I really wonder if I am strong enough to deal with the hard labor. My first birth proved to me that I am not as "tough" as I thought I was. My first time around I labored really hard (contrax roughly 2-5 minutes a part for 30-60 secs) for 15 hours and I only dialated 3 cm, and effaced 80%. I couldn't handle anymore and finally caved in and got the epi.

So here I am, happy to be pregnant again, and praying to God that everything is healthy and safe with baby. I can't imagine going through my whole pregnancy feeling this way - it's really negative and icky. I firmly believe you attract what you put out, some I am trying to put these feelings of worry and concern to rest.

Thanks for listening.

xxx,
Justine

[Stream]

Hopefully acknowledging those feelings will help in and of itself. It's hard when we have trauma in our lives at moments so important to us. It took me two solid years to recover from the issues we faced when bf'ing, and even now I know when it's time for that again it will be hard for me, emotionally. Did you read Birthing from Within with #1? Perhaps that would be a good read now. Honestly, I haven't read it, but it's at the top of my list.

My midwife told me that she believes that once you've had a baby vaginally-- no matter what your experience-- your body knows what to do. She says that if you can just find a way to "get out of the way" and remove all the mental stumbling blocks, your body will take over and do it's thing. Her first labor, btw? 13 hours active (a night before of early labor) and 3 hours pushing. Second baby-- 1.5 hours start to finish! I think she's on to something!

Hang in there and do whatever you need to come to terms with your experience and visualize a happier ending for this baby. Take care!

[proudmamanow]

Justine Not having gone through labour, I can't related, but I can only guess how difficult that was

Wise words, Stream. I am definitely planning on reading Birthing from Within (and whatever else I can get a hold of!) But having heard many experiences like yours Justine, I know that reading and preparation don't always mean any guarantees.

From my side, I can relate to the 'feeling nervous about pregnancy' part of your questions, Justine.
I'm struggling a lot with anxiety about having another m/c. My first one was at 5.5 weeks, so I've almost made it past that point (and all is going much better so far with strong HCG & progesterone levels). My second was a so-called 'missed m/c', and I only found out when we had our first u/s at 9 wks. I am very much looking forward to my u/s on Aug. 30th (7.5 weeks) because if we hear a hb then (or even see a healthy little bean), we will be so much further along...
Anyway, thanks for bringing this up & I really hope your birth this time is everything you are dreaming of :

[MaryLang]

Goodcents-Your birth sounds a lot like mine, except I ended up with the c-section.. I did everything to prepare myself, took bradley classes, learned a lot of birthing from within, hypnobirth,used a birthing center, midwife and a doula. I went into labor on a fri. night, got to the hospital sun. afternoon, had her by c/s mon. morning. After three nights of no sleep, being transfered to the hospital early mon morning, getting the epi. and pitocin, pushing for two hours, I just couldn't do it anymore, my body gave out and my doula was so p/oed at me. It sucked, but I got a beautiful dd out of it. I blamed myself for the first couple of months, for me my next birth will be a sucess if I can have it vaginally. But to answer your queston, oddly no, I'm not nervous this time, last time I was so nervous from the start, I was going out of my mind.

[ctdoula]

I am definatly more nervous when thinking ahead to the birth this time around. In fact I was at a birth last night (at the hospital where I teach childbirth classes and was thinking, OMG I have to do this again ).

My birth experience wasn't totally negative or traumatic, but the pushing scares the HELL out of me! I was in labor for 25 hours & 10 minutes. It started w/my water breaking at 9:50 pm. Within an hour I was contracting every 5 minutes, which progressed to every 2-5 minutes for 18 hours, at which point I was only 3cm (after walking for hours, birth ball, shower, massages, etc) & exhausted. I asked for pitocin to get things moving (my doctor then suggested she give me a sleeping pill & some food, I said NO, I wanted pit, LOL). I then had an epidural because I was so tired, but it only worked for 1 hour (the bolus). The drip itself never worked (dh said he saw it dripping onto the bed), so I felt everything after that. Pushing was horrible. SO painful. I felt all the stretching & burning inside myself & was totally out of control with terror & panic. I was literally begging the doctor to vaccum her out (she said NO, that's NOT what you want. Of course at that moment oh yeah I did). They eventually brought a mirror & that made all the difference. However, my dd's HR was tanking & the OB told me she was doing an epis to help her come more quickly (of course at the moment I told her fine). When dd's shoulders popped out, she tore me. I ended up with a 4th degree lac ( : of course being in the field & KNOWING exactly what that meant, didn't make that whole thing any better). So this time around I'm already nervous about pushing.

oh, and dd had the hiccups while I was pushing!!!!!! Every time she hiccuped it was like someone standing on my pelvis with cleats made of knives!!! I've been to a lot of births & don't remember ever seeing someone in as much pain pushing as i was. Or maybe I was just more out of control )

[goodcents]

Thank you for sharing everyone. Getting that all out last night, and reading all of your thoughts and experience, really helped me. I know I am not the only person on the planet that went through such a long and arduious birth - but as I am sure you know - IT SURE FEELS LIKE THAT SOMETIMES!!!

I really really hope that I can be one of those women who labors and delivers in 3 hours flat. I am starting the hypnobabies course soon - I just bought a used one off the trading post for $60 + shipping so I am psyched. Someone also told me that once your body labors, your nerve endings or the synapses adapt to be receptive to oxytocin - therefore speeding things up the next time around. Your first birth your body is still learning to process the birth chemicals.

And yes I did read Birthing From Within last time around. I guess I really never dealt with my "birth tiger". In retrospect, I don't think I really dealt with the "OMG there is a baby coming here and I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR HER!!!" . I swear that is what slowed down my labor to a certain extent, like subconsciencely I was slowing the birth down because I was afraid to become a mama.

I just bought BFW again, my friend lost my copy grrrrr : but I am happy to read it again. I think it will make a big difference this time around having been through the experience already. Anyone else want to read along? Should we start a book club? That would be fun.

[vatechmom]

I'm glad you plan on reading BFW again. Even though some of the exercises seem silly, do them. I really think the reason I had such an easy (relative term) L and D is because I went into it with NO FEAR. I think you are right to assume that fear is what slowed you down the first time around. It is one of the most powerful emotions. I think it's great that you are tackling this head on this early in your preg, hopefully when the time comes, you will have delt with all of your fears and you can go into birth with full confidence and excitment. Also, make sure you have EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that you want with you, and those things and people that you don't want. I love my mother dearly, but I knew having her in the room would only hinder me. Don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you want, you are the mother, this is yours and your babies experience, choose wisely and honestly your birth plan.