My neighbor insists that I need to use time outs with my 23 mo old...vent

[Magnoliamama]

My neighbor has a DD the same age as my DD. She started asking me about 4 months ago whether I use time outs with my DD. At the time, I hadn't found the need to do any more discipline than redirecting - she hadn't started testing her limits very much and was going with the flow. We've gone through the summer and a tremendous development spurt with DD, but still, redirection and firm, short, consistent explanations of boundaries are working well - like "no hitting. hitting hurts" or "no biting, biting hurts" when she is experimenting with hitting us or biting us. The other thing that works really well is - how do I explain this - basically, being present in the moment with her and trying to understand her POV. This alleviates 99% of the issues we could potentially have. I used a time out twice in one day about six weeks ago, and decided it wasn't for us because it didn't make sense to either of us. I just don't see the need for time outs.

My neighbor asked me again last weekend if I had "started using time outs" with DD. I said no, and tried to explain my POV. I don't really care what people think of my discipline method (or my, rather, parenting method, as I prefer to call it), but how can I explain in 1-3 sentences what my approach is? I have some good friends who have started to ask me what I do, and I guess I'd like the right words for gentle discipline, being present in the moment, no hitting/verbal abuse/emotional abuse, no time outs. What is this???

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!!!

[nova22]

i don't know, but i have to thank you!

ds has taken to throwing his toys, HARD, at his baby sister. usually he misses, thank goodness. my dh and i had run out of ways to make him stop. after he had hit her twice, i cleared out the crib (my mil gave it to me as a gift and i've been using it for toy storage :LOL) and was going to put him in it for a minute as time out. by the time i finished cleaning it out, he was playing with a puzzle. i didn't want him to think i was punishing him for playing by himself so he didn't go to time out. now i'm glad because i really didn't want to do that to him.

so i read your post, and thought to myself - why was he throwing toys at his sister?

then i realized, his favorite toy is his gigantic blue bouncy ball. he likes to take it to the pool or lake and play catch with it. when he succesfully throws it at someone, we congratulate him for his good throw. when he was throwing his toy at his sister he was probably playing catch with her. i noticed that the toy is round, too, like a ball. so next time he starts throwing toys at baby sis, i think i will redirect him to his bouncy ball and i'll play catch with him. you rock, thank you.

sorry i can't answer your question though

[Magnoliamama]

*blush* well, thanks! glad that your thinking was stimulated!

I guess I'll just have to keep lecturing my friends LOL if I can't come up with a succint explanation for my parenting philosophy!

PS: Isn't having 2 under 2 a wild ride? I'm starting to love it, now that I feel like my head is above water....what about you?

[nova22]

I love having two under two. Yes it is a roller coaster ride though! :LOL They're so hilarious to watch. My 18-mo old is already super protective of his little baby sister. When she's crying in her carseat he will pat her head and hold her hand. She loves it. But wow...going out alone with the two of them...whew :LOL

[Eeyore]

Hi. I love your approach - it sounds a lot like what I did with DS(8) at that age. I think a good name for it would be 'child centered discipline' or, if you prefer, 'child centered parenting.'
I'm also really happy to hear people speaking of 2 under 2 as a good thing. My daughter is 3 months, and I's like to get pregnant again soon, and people seem to think I'm nuts!

[Embee]

Originally Posted by BlueDragonflyMama

being present in the moment with her and trying to understand her POV. This alleviates 99% of the issues we could potentially have.

Beautiful. You couldn't have said it better yourself!

[Stevie]

I have the care of an 18 mo 3Xweek, with my own 9mo. I find it a wonderful mix! the older one and my DS play really nicely (side by side of course) DD gets upset when T takes a toy from her DB, but I tell her that that is the way babies play and her brother doesn't mind

I also take them o errands at least once a week; T is very compliant so it works just fine. I make sure the babies are well rested tho

[grisandole]

You can just say something like, "We use redirection and natural consequenses. Time outs aren't effective for us" and then lecture That's what we do with our 2yo.

I have to answer this question constantly as a foster parent, and my answer is "We use natural consequenses, time-outs, and loss of privileges" (foster kids are older).

Kristi