3 YO Dismissing Us

[tinaq]

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading posts & am really encouraged by what I've read. As of late, we've been having some challenges w/ my ds, but there's been A LOT of transition in his life (new sister, moving from one state to another, being 3 yo ).

One of the biggest things right now that is REALLY making my dh crazy is when our ds dismisses us (I'm @ a loss for another word) us when we ask him to do something. I realize that some of this is developmental & I've tried explaining this to dh, but he is getting frustrated. Part of this, too, I'm thinking is that he just gets tired of hearing us make requests & so he turns us off. Lastly, I think, he's probably distracted by what he's doing. Although, I've tried telling dh this, he gets really irritated & sometimes it irritates me too (to be honest) when we're asking multiple times & ds doesn't respond. Sometimes, he'll even look up at us, smile, and go on doing what he's doing.

So, we're looking for strategies to help w/ this w/o being harsh (what dh has come to) & I absolutely am not happy w/. He's even said, "I don't know what else to do, nothing else works." Consolation from others who've gone through the same thing & how YOU worked through it.

Thanks, Mamas, appreciate the feedback.

[mtm]

this is going to sound strange, but how do you talk to him? For me I need to be at ds's level and have him looking at me to get him to listen. He's 2.5. If I yell across the room, he tunes me out or yells no back at me.

[tinaq]

MTM,

No, that doesn't sound strange. I have a dh w/ selective hearing, too, & I have to sometimes physically touch him or be right in front of him for him to listen. Of course, he hates to be reminded of this when the issue w/ ds comes up REALLY GREAT point, though. Perhaps, we should try meeting eyes w/ him more & THEN asking him. Thanks!

What to do in the situations when you KNOW he's heard you (he'll look up @ you, smile, then continue on what he's doing)?

Tina

[maya44]

What exactly is it that you want him to do when he is ignoring you?

I don't think you can rely on words with a 3 yo

[Embee]

I concur that at this age, they still need eye level, and usually physical touch and/or assistance with the task, depending what it is. I do agree indeed that all the reasons you listed for him not listening/acknowledging/following through sound right on target. Typical for the age/stage of development.

If DS ignores me outright, it's usually because I'm feeling overwhelmed or tired and have resorted to "armchair parenting." That is to say, making verbal requests from across the room when I can plainly see that he's engrossed in something. If this is the case, I back myself up and remember what I need to do to help him hear me and follow through. I keep my requests minimal, simply put, and try always to make them when he's in a state of transition rather than playing intently. My feeling is play is a kid's job and to them, it's very important work. I have made a habit of NOT interrupting him when he's playing (particularly if he's entertaining himself) if I don't have to... goes to attention span I suppose and just respectful in general. If however, he's between play tasks and happens to be walking through the kitchen, I will take the opportunity to ask him to take his clean clothes to his room.

It does sound as if your DS has a lot on his plate right now, and I imagine is beginning to feel the extra responsibility of being the older sibling. After he's had sometime to adjust, I imagine things will get easier, yes? I can't say first hand (we're still on #1), but I have a friend who recently went through the very same thing and things have improved a lot since those earlier days of new siblinghood. If he acknowledges you and goes on with what he's doing, perhaps the two of you could negotiate when the task will be completed, but at this young age, I imagine he will still need your assistance in remembering and following through. If DS ignores me outright, I will usually stop what I'm doing, make sure I'm at his eye level, touching him and will say, "If you don't feel what I've asked is fair, we can talk about that and try to come up with something be both agree about. In our family, we don't ignore each other." (I actually got this straight out of a post here at MDC--Mamaduck I think it was). It's helped a lot! Sometimes I think DS is just into what he's doing and perhaps overwhelmed by what I've asked. Lately, has been a time when we have been giving DS extra responsibility and although I think he likes the empowerment it gives him, it's also sort of overwhelming to be "in charge" of a household task... it's still new to him that is.

Ack, I'm rambling! Best of luck and hang in there!

[USAmma]

My dd is off in her own world a lot. Other times she ignores me on purpose. What I do is get down to her level, touch her, make sure she's looking me in the eye, and ask her again. If that doesn't work I take her by the hand and we do the requested task together.

Darshani

[tinaq]

maya43- sometimes we're asking him to discontinue doing things that are not okay (in our home, anyway). For example, tonight he was closing the door to the cat kennel HARD. Well, one of our cats was in it (we're staying at an extended stay suite now & the cats stay in the kennel while we're out & the housekeeping staff comes in) &it was disturbing the cat. We asked him to please leave the door alone, while standing next to him & he continued to slam the door. He also likes to climb on the window sills, although we've asked him not to (another issue: are kiddos @ this age still working on the long-term memory, or is he testing boundaries?), and sometimes we ask him repeatedly to come down. Sometimes we're asking him to do things (ie put his underwear on after he's used the bathroom- he likes to get naked to go), or get his toothbrush to brush his teeth. It varies. It's comforting to know that words may not be sufficient @ this age. I think sometimes we unfairly expect him to be more mature than he is b/c he's now the older one (does that make sense?).


Embee- I like this statement

"If you don't feel what I've asked is fair, we can talk about that and try to come up with something be both agree about. In our family, we don't ignore each other."

Thanks to you (& Mamaduck ). I think it respects the child, but also makes clear that ignoring isn't okay to me. I think I need to become more aware of HOW I'm asking him. Am I being an active Mama? Sometimes, I'm asking him to do something while juggling things w/ the baby, who's needing a lot of attn. as of late (colic) & this might be part of it.

"My feeling is play is a kid's job and to them, it's very important work. I have made a habit of NOT interrupting him when he's playing (particularly if he's entertaining himself) if I don't have to...

- great Point to Ponder!

Thanks for the stuff to chew on.

Darshani- Yes, sometimes he does seem as though he's in a world of his own, too. The taking him by his hand idea is a good one. Thanks.

[annettemarie]

It must be a three-year-old thing, because my dd is doing it too- it actually sort of amazes me because I know she hears me, sometimes she even looks at me, and yet she continues on with whatever she's doing as if she's the queen and I'm some pauper who has dared to interupt her.

Thank you for the reminder about armchair parenting- I'm really struggling with depression/laziness right now, and sometimes need to remember to just get off my :ignore and be a mom.

I'm also going to try the language suggested about not ignoring in our family.

Glad I found this board!
Annette

[tinaq]

Yes, I believe I'm guilty of this, too. Thanks for the wake up. Also, I'm paying more attn. to how I'm responding to his requests. Am I guilty of not responding? The physical assistance (leading him to the place, or touching him on the shoulder while I'm asking him) has been VERY helpful, already. Thanks, Mamas.

[maya44]

[QUOTE=tinaq]maya43- sometimes we're asking him to discontinue doing things that are not okay (in our home, anyway). For example, tonight he was closing the door to the cat kennel HARD.

I would ask once then go and move him away from the cat door, saying you need to leave the door alone because its bothering the cats.


He also likes to climb on the window sills, although we've asked him not to

Ask once, then go get him down, using words to reinforce but not expect to controll his actions. (Its dangerous up there, you have to stay down here)


Sometimes we're asking him to do things (ie put his underwear on after he's used the bathroom- he likes to get naked to go)

Go over to him, hand him underwear say "mommy asked you to get this its time to put it on



This is what I did when my kids were young. Its amazing how much faster kids will react to your words when they know that in a minute you are just going to come over and move them away from something or put them where you want them. I alway moved them very gently, not like I was mad or upset.

As they got older I found the trick was to repeat my words maybe twice and then just kind of wait. The expression and manner while watiting should be like you are waiting for a bus that is late and you are not exactly thrilled to be waiting. With kids above age 6 this really works well, since I think they are too big to be physically moved.

[tinaq]

I think I generally need to be more proactive, which seems to include being gently physical (as in moving & touching my ds) in parenting. Thanks for all the great advice. It has already helped.

Tina

[Embee]

Tina,

I totally hear you! Thanks for elaborating. Indeed, I've noticed in particular that lately DS (3.5) has a difficult time "hearing" me when I ask him to stop something that is not ok.

The other evening, DH, DS and I were working in the yard together. I was pruning some finished sunflower blooms, and DS really wanted to help. However, he kept trying to cut down sunflowers in full bloom with his clippers. I kept asking for him to stop--I was across the yard and heading toward him. He totally ignored me and kept attempting. I finally said, "DS! I'm asking you to stop, and I have a good reason!" It worked. He stopped. I got there in time, explained to him that what he was doing was not ok and why, and he then explained that he really wanted to cut down a sunflower too, one to have for himself... it seems DS too had a good reason for doing what he was doing. He was focused. I gave him a bunch of the old, cut blooms and he made a sunflower patch--sticking all the dead ones in the dirt and watering them. Precious.

Indeed, being there, touching him if I have to, always seems to help. It's not always easy to execute or even remember when I'm tired and such... but when I do, it REALLY helps.

As for the "kid's play is their work" indeed, I see that DS learns and experiences life in general pretty much ALL through some type of play. Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen helped me see this and learn to work with DS more effectively when it comes to relating, cooperation, etc.

The best to you!
Em