Open about Teen Sexuality - Page 2

[Raven67]

Liz, Could you give me a link to a good polyamory bb? I would like to be able to communicate with other polyamorous types besides the handful that I know in RL. I guess you still have not gotten ideas about helping your daughter. The best I could come up with is reading.....sharing sex-positive material with her, keeping it around the house, and letting her draw her own conclusions. I would say reading definitely opened my eyes to exploring beyond the usual prudish adolescent scene when I was young. I suppose making comments too about the subtext of Hollywood portrayals of sexuality would be a way to open dialogue, too. "Look, hon, in this movie, they are assuming that girls would not be interested in sex unless they were corrupted by a powerful male, we know that is not true." Parents I know who are very sex-positive usually start by "normalizing" masturbation in their home. Talking about it with the assumption that it is a regular and healthy part of life, boys do it, girls do it, moms do it, dads do it, etc....Wish I could be more helpful.

[Arduinna]

I'd still really love to discuss the topic. Specifically how to help teens identify when they are ready for sex. Other than "when you get married"

[marymom]

I think part of parenting, (to me,today anyways) is knowing your child well and teaching your child,young person at this point, to learn how to know theirselves. I think this is an advantage attatchment orientations parenting has, because you know your child's feelings and so forth as they develop and the child, as they grow into a young adult,comprehends their own feelings and emotions and so forth -When a young adult is ready<sigh> -define ready?
I guess I had so many screwed up sexual issues (have?)-was active at 12- I was...NOT ready. that when I focus on the whole sexuality issue I egetconfused but when I am open and honest with my kids on a regular basis dealing with the situations when they arise or become...ready to deal with it all seems to work out -I think there are some definate...advisable things to do(like talking alot, being informative,supplying resources,etc-HONESTY, ) and not to do, but I dont think this is a case of right and wrong things to do- I think everyone is different, their circumstances are so different-
here I am carrying on again, this must be something I am wanting to talk about...
My 14 dd this morning just left on her first day of high school- she had a very...slinky kewl lacey top out to wear that her brother gently informed her was out of dress code at the last minute so bless her she ran out the door in jeans and a t shirt-
I read an article about young girls maturing faster and it was regarding phermones(sp?) and chemical interactions discussing that young girls raised with step fathers or other men around regularly mature quicker because of actual chemical interactions with men who are not their father -whereas daughters with biological fathers in the house do not experience the chemical interactions- I am forgetting where I read it but it really made sense to me- sorry I dont have the reference, Ill try to remember tho-
edited to add that abortion ,porn and so forth are not taboo at all in my house, I discuss abortion with co workers(usually menstral regulation/herbally ) -this is NOT an abortion is right or wrong statement by the way, I assist a midwife, this stuff comes up- I have views sure but I dont want to upset anyone-and the older sister danced (topless)and did some porn stuff for a whil;e- I was totally NOT ok with that stuff because I thought it was dangerous and involved her with a crowd I was not comfortable with- My kids know how I feel and we have discussed it- I know my son checks out porn sites-its his business I think- we talk abot it to a degree and the rest he feels free to investigate, my 14 daughter I think probably doesnt discuss as openl;y with me, she is younger- It is my personal attitude that if it is healthy for you to do(physically and psychologically,emotionally and spiritually) and if it feels good-do it- arriving at concerting those "whether ifs" is what I feel is my job as a parent- at this point I shoot from the hip, Im so glad we are discussing this-

[EnviroBecca]

Nursing Mother wrote:

I wouldn't respect anyone having casual sex as it is dangerous and wrong imo.

I think what you meant to say is that you wouldn't condone the BEHAVIOR regardless of who did it (even your own child), but what you actually said in this sentence is that you wouldn't respect anyone having casual sex which seems to mean you don't respect a PERSON who has casual sex. This is a crucial distinction. (The only way I can figure out what you meant is by the other things you said, about still respecting the person in other ways.) If you do have to cope with finding out that one your children has made sexual choices different from the ones you wanted him/her to make, I hope you will remember to make it crystal clear that your respect for every other aspect of him/her is unchanged and that your disappointment with the sexual behavior does not make you think he/she is a bad person.

Can one talk about those issues, abortion, BDSM, porn, etc with ones teen yet still not condone those behaviors or acts. I am very close with my teens and we talk about those things

Seems like you've answered your own question! Of course it is possible to talk about an issue, to acknowledge that it is a choice some people make, without saying that it is a good idea. My parents did an excellent job of that on the issue of BDSM: They said, basically, "Some people like to hurt each other as part of their sexual activity. We believe it's wrong to hurt anyone on purpose. We believe sex should be caring and gentle and should not involve pain. We feel sad and worried that there are people who like to get hurt. We don't understand why they like what they do, but we don't know everything about them, and it isn't our business to say what consenting adults should do when they're alone. It's something some people like, but if you don't want to try it there's no reason why you ever should, and don't let anyone talk you into it."

LizD wrote:

Well, I am glad Raven67 is here! I knew there must be some poly folks on here!

I am poly! I alluded to it earlier in this thread and have talked about it in more detail in other threads. Actually, I think one of the reasons I am poly is the way I was raised: being taught to love all the many wonderful people around us rather than restricting affections to a particular social group, a religious or racial community, or one "best friend", in combination with being taught to enjoy my own sexuality, in combination with being encouraged to be an independent woman rather than depending on Prince Charming.

Raven67 mentioned a charming essay from a 14-year-old about "outercourse" as an option for teens not yet ready for intercourse. I think that's one of the most neglected topics in talking about teen sexuality! As on many other issues, a lot of people have a very "all or nothing" view of sex, and that can lead teens who are feeling horny and attracted to each other to think that the ONLY thing to do is have intercourse. This exposes them to many more risks than touching or even oral sex. I almost feel it should be REQUIRED that people of any age, but especially teens, have at least one session of just touching before they have intercourse together. It's worked out great for me!

Arduinna wrote:

I'd still really love to discuss the topic. Specifically how to help teens identify when they are ready for sex. Other than "when you get married"

I posted some ideas earlier. Did you miss them, or not find them helpful?

I agree with Raven67 that making books available is a good idea. I would suggest actively showing (even reading to) your daughter those books that contain really crucial information, for instance something like Our Bodies, Ourselves. Be more passive with books about alternative-type stuff--just put them on a shelf, discreet but in plain sight, and if you see her reading one don't pounce eagerly (that's likely to embarrass her) but the next time you're talking ask her what she thought of the book and if she has questions.

Comments like, "Look, hon, in this movie, they are assuming that girls would not be interested in sex unless they were corrupted by a powerful male, we know that is not true." I think are better when the last clause is replaced with "What do you think?" or "Why would they write it that way?" Then it comes across as an invitation to discussion, rather than beating the kid over the head with your opinions.

[Arduinna]

Becca, I loved your posts and think they were really helpful. I guess I was just attempting to invite anyone who might be lurking to post about it.

And I'd love to hear more thoughts from those that support or accept that teens will be sexually active before marriage and are ok with it.

[Marg of Arabia]

I agree with many great ideas here.

Personally, I have a very open relationship with my dd. If she comes to me about having sex with a boy I will make sure that I let her know both the down and upside to a decision to HAVE sex before love....(notice I didn't say marriage). I think it is important discuss ALL of the possible outcomes of a decision like that!!

The most important thing is that she feel safe coming to me with ANY problem. I don't want her to lie to me or hide something from me out of fear or embarrassment. I have shared some very personal stories from my teen past(I did it all) and I think it healp her relate to me So far, she hasn't been interested in boys. She hasn't even gotten her period yet(will be 14 in Oct.)! I am enjoying these days while they last!!!!

marg

[LizD]

Originally posted by jbcjmom
I'm putting on the Moderator hat that Sierra left for me in her absence...

LizD, Mothering strongly discourages encouraging members of other boards to come support a particular idea on our boards. This very thing has caused numerous problems in the past and really causes a disruption to those Mothering members who would like to respectfully discuss this topic. Please be respectful of your fellow members who consider Mothering to be a safe place for them to voice their feelings, opinions and fears, and refrain from inviting non members to come and post simply for the purpose of adding support here for your opinions.

~Beth

I understand the concern, but my intention was not to bolster support for my opinions; hardly!! Rather, to make aware parents who might not otherwise know there is a safe place for discussion of all the fine topics here. The same way I give Mothering subscriptions to new parents I know. I meant to encourage more readership of Mothering, not to start some sort of rebellion. I barely have the time for the discussion here as it is. Let alone tracking down potential new members!

[Cynthia Mosher]

I've deleted a post from this thread due to its adversarial tone and it's potential to create conflict rather than beneficial, respectful discussion.

LizD I think you may have given some mixed messages in your posts. In your opening post you clarified that you wanted discussion with those who share your concerns or have the experience you're looking for and that you did not want input from those, religious or otherwise, with what you consider to be "prohibitive attitudes". Then in another post you addressed questions to people with the attitudes you didn't want to discuss. So the discussion has been widened by that and you should expect it to extend beyond your own beliefs now.

However, respectful exchange of ideas and beliefs can take place. Let's try and make that the goal here - and in every board.

[Arduinna]

Liz, I was rereading the thread and came across the part where you were talking about helping them make wise for them decisions.

It got me thinking that one of the things I've worked hard at is helping my dd do that. Other than issues of health and safety (no playing in the street), I let her decide. I don't make arbitrary rules for her. So I rarely say no to her just because it's "enough". IE you've played over there enough, you've spent the night enough this week, ect.

So I think that has layed the ground work for the same kind of "do what's right for you" as far as sex is concerned. I'm hoping that by thinking about her own needs and desires for the less important things, such as "Do I want to go to _____ and be gone all day?" she will have learned the skills when the question is " Do I want to have sex with so and so".

She has many opportunities to work out saying no to people. Even when her friends sometimes whine about it, and beg PLEASE. Good practice IMO.

[Kirsten]

Just wandering around the boards today - we have a 6 and 2 year old (both daughters) so I have a little time. But I would definitely fall into the category of accepting of teen sexuality. It was a fun, exciting time for me and I would not want my girls to miss it. I actually think that premarital sex ups the odds that your marriage will last! My theory is this: everyone has a promiscuous phase. Some in jr/sr. high, some in college, some after ten years of marriage, some after forty! But my theory is that EVERYONE will have it eventually. So why not before marriage? Seems like the best time to me.
I would hope my girls would give it serious thought and be "safe".
Someone asked how to help kids know when is the "right" time. I think the friends first idea is great. With a best friend of the opposite sex (or same if that is your situation) you really KNOW the person, trust them, have mutual respect, and will likely be friends even after the sexual part of your relationship is past.
Interesting thread.
Kirsten

[hahamommy]

I'm one of those lucky teenagers! I had a wonderful relationship with my Aunt, just ten years older than me, who was very open and honest with me about her sex life and sexual experiences. I got the whole ball of wax ~ the pros and the cons, when it felt great and what made it awful, beginning at about age 11. By the time I was 13, I knew about oral sex, g-spots, orgasms, masturbation... When my little friends were giving blowjobs to the boys at the drive-in ~ I was shocked at how little they knew about their own bodies and keeping them safe. I didn't want to have sex (of *any* kind) with this kind of selfish/ignorant male ~ I waited until after highschool (also to avoid the politics of high school sex). I was on the birth control pill for two years before I had sex and always carried and passed out condoms. The most important lesson to be learned here: Education is Birth Control. Studies prove the most rewarding sex lives are had by those who *know* the most ~ about their bodies, their emotions and their actions.
I've met far too many girls who began their sexual careers very early, had babies as teenagers and still have sex with the lights out; without oral sex *ever* performed on them. blech! Quantity can never replace quality. Good sex is worth the wait. (for a mature, considerate lover, not marriage) These are the lessons I want my dd to grow with...

[Marg of Arabia]

She got it!! She finally got her period!! Still no interest in boys(thank God). I wasn't into boys till about 15!! I hope she follows in my footsteps. Her school is so small there are only 5 boys in class and they aren't real mature. She will go to a huge highschool next year and I think it will get more exciting around here!!! Can't wait........Oh yes I can!!

[EnviroBecca]

Congratulations to Marg Jr.!!

[Marg of Arabia]

Thanks!

[marymom]

wahooooooo Marg's daughter!

[Breathless Wonder]

Bumping for a friend to read.

[marymom]

thanks for the bump...how wonderfully refreshing that was to read, a year and a half later lol, ...wow, so much happens in a year and a half, from just turned 14 to 15 3/4-
communicate communicate communicate

[PikkuMyy]

I don't have children yet but I'm still young enough to remember my teen years very clearly.

My mother went through some wierd sexual stuff as a teen and young adult which I know about but not because she told me - a friend of hers told me, assuming I already knew. She just always had the "sex is a bad wrong thing but if you want to do it, you have to wait until you're married."

What a horrible attitude to present to one's teenage daughter!

I 'messed around' but didn't have actual intercourse until 18. When I did, I was all excited (I had waited and was with someone I really loved and who loved me.) and came home and told her. She said, 'Oh, I know. I've known for a long time!" And it had just happened that day!

Someone earlier in the post mentioned how she is open with her children but her coworkers keep telling her that they are doing all this stuff behind her back. That attitude (the co-workers') is the sort of attitude that gets kids doing stuff on purpose to annoy their parents. "Well, if you think I'm doing it anyway, I might as well!"

I was so hurt that she thought this. Not because there would have been anything wrong with my having been sexually active but because I told her that I wasn't, and she obviously hadn't believed me! Fat chance I'd share with my mother again. And I didn't for a few years. Even then she didn't believe me either.

When I met my husband, his dad (who's friends with my mom) warned him that I was a slut (he didn't use that word but it was implied). I had been consciously celibate for 2 years! When my husband and I met, we discussed this stuff and it turned out that my mother had told his father that I was sleeping with all these men, even though I told her that I wasn't having sex and was waiting for someone worth it.

So I certainly plan to be as open as I can with my children and if I give them advice, it will be backed up with my own stories and experiences, not blanket statements from my mother.

For example, at 16, she tried to force me to promise not to have sex until I got married. No reasons, just that I should. Of course I couldn't promise that, I told her that I'd know when it was the right person. Well, if she had been able to explain to me that she had had 3 abortions (!!!) and that it had been extremely hard on her, I would have understood where she was coming from and perhaps considered it more seriously. But she didn't, and so I just dismissed her.

For me, the most important thing my parents could do was to be honest with me. Like when discussing drugs with my father, he told me about his bad acid trips and what happened to some of his friends. Have I ever done drugs? No. Will I ever? No. Because he explained what had happened and I sure didn't want that to happen to me.

Just my two cents...
Emily