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Originally Posted by BunnysMomma
Another example from the book that I could give would be the cartoon of the mother and the son at the grocery store, where the son is running around like a "wild child" (as they say in the book). One of the ideas the authors give for dealing with it is to say, "You have a choice: either walk with me or sit in the cart." When the child continues to run amok, the mother scoops him up and says, "I see you decided to sit in the cart" (or something like that). I could see people here saying, "That's not fair to the child because it's not a real choice, because the mother gets what she wants regardless."
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I have a hard time imagining people here saying that under those circumstances because it's a safety issue.
But I do agree with Piglet that "How to Talk" is much more applicable to the very verbal set. My child, at almost 4, is only now getting to the point where some of the scenarios in that book are starting to work (which is why I would still, at this point, move my belongings out of his reach if he were abusing them. He still doesn't always have the impulse control necessary to stop abusing them for the long term). It's still very dependent upon his mood, level of fatigue, etc., but I'm finding that we're able to work things out with words more and more. When he was too small to understand that I was giving him a choice, I generally didn't let him walk in places that weren't safe. If he absolutely needed to walk and didn't want to hold my hand, then we usually ended up leaving. But that didn't often happen because I usually had him pretty well engaged in the cart.
A lot of what people on this board post relates to toddlers or early preschoolers because that seems to be a) the hardest age to keep the GD philosophy intact and b) the age to which there is the least GD literature applicable. It just so happens that those are the years that books like "How to Talk" isn't so applicable. Still, it's a good read because it helps to lay the groundwork for GD (just as is "Kids Are Worth It!" by Barbara Coloroso. Most of her practical advice doesn't apply to the older set, but I found reading her book to be incredibly valuable when ds was a baby because it helped me see where I wanted us to be when he was older and to start figuring out how we could get there.)
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| I happen to think that it's not necessary to give children choices that will always result in them getting to choose something they like, because that's not how life works. People have to make choices every day that involve choosing among a range of less-than-desirable (to the chooser) options. |
I agree that it's not always necessary. For example, I don't know if you've read about my Battle of the Tootbrush saga with my son (I posted about it recently). It's necessary that he brush his teeth. He positively does not want to. I can give him all the choices about location, type of toothbrush, toothpaste flavor and so on in the world and he's not going to like any of them because the only wholly favorable choice for him is to not brush his teeth. Oh well. Has to be done.
But I do think that it should be a priority for me to give him choices that he likes wherever possible, even if it means minor inconvenience to me - or, better yet, for him to help me figure out choices that he might like. He's a person with preferences and I shouldn't always expect him to just deal because I don't feel like he deserves the courtesy of more choices. And I shouldn't always assume that I know what he's going to prefer (which is why I should enlist his help in developing options whenever possible). We're a family. It's not our job to represent the whole world. He'll figure out that there are certain situations where he doesn't always get to choose an option that he really likes. We all do, right? Within our family, it's important that he learn the art of compromise, not that he learn disappointment (though sometimes disappointment is unavoidable... I just don't think it's my role to limit his options because, hey, them's the breaks, right?). Once he develops that skill, he'll get along in the world just fine. But he won't develop it by having to subjugate himself all the time or always choose between options that I generate for him. A big part of compromise is learning how to generate options one's self. It's my job to help him learn how to do that.
