How do you know when it's a "tantrum"?

[wednesday]

DS is 10.5 months and a couple times recently he's cried/screamed in reaction to not liking something and the emotion I'm sensing is more one of anger/frustration than of being, say, sad or scared. I'm wondering if I'm supposed to react to this in a different way? Like I thought you were supposed to ignore tantrums? I guess after all this time of always trying to figure out what he wants and give it to him, I'm wondering when I'm supposed to start setting "limits" and "boundaries". This seems to come intuitively to some people but it feels far from intuitive to me (I grew up in an extremely abusive home, so I know what NOT to do, but that's it).

I've been reading Dr. Sears' discipline book but doesn't address this age, in fact it seems like he doesn't really address anything pre-verbal. Is that when I'm supposed to start with limits? When he can talk? We do some signs, but he doesn't do them back yet.

Another issue is that he seems to be very uncomfortable with teething this week and I'm hesitant to label his recent behavior as a "tantrum" when he's suffering...I know I would have a short fuse if my mouth was really sore . I want to be extra gentle if that's what he needs now, not extra firm. I'm so confused...

[mamaduck]

I guess I'm confused about what you are asking. Setting limits with regard to what? Crying? How can you set a limit against crying without using fear or significant cohersion? I don't think you can. My approach is to identify with and validate the feelings. Whether its an angry tantrum or a sad cry. It is helpful when they are preverbal to talk to them about what the appear to be feeling. Help them begin to understand what it means to be angry, and to understand that its okay to feel angry. Or dissapointed. Or sad. Or frustrated. And its okay to express those feelings.

Now as far as limits --- it is possible to comfort a child and identify with their feelings, but at the same time not allow their tantrum to dictate what they should have or not. If he tantrums because you have said "no" about an object he wants, setting a limit would entail comfort, but still standing firm about the desired object. With a 10 month old -- my inclination is to find an alternative object to satisfy his wants without compromising your limit. In fact, even with an older child, I think its possible to disscuss creative solutions that would make everyone happy.

When a child becomes verbal, I tend to think its a good idea to direct them to "use their words" when they begin crying or screaming about something. Its better to express strong feelings with words because its easier to make yourself understood and seek solutions.

But a baby/toddler doesn't have words to use -- all they can do is cry or scream. So I guess it doesn't matter a lot to me whether its a "tantrum" or just crying -- it still requires comfort, empathy, understanding, and problem solving.

[wednesday]

Okay, for an example--yesterday we were at babiesrus and just for fun DH placed DS into one of the display cribs--we don't have a crib set up at home and DH was wondering what DS would think of it. Well DS thought it was a fun little space and when DH went to pick him up he SCREAMED! So DH let him sit in another crib for a while, and then a third, but eventually we needed to leave and anyway I didn't think DS should be hanging out in the display cribs all day. But he really screamed when DH carried him away, like he was furious. I wasn't sure how we should have handled it better. I tried to distract him--I took him in the Mother's Room and offered him nursies and then changed his diaper, but when we walked back through the store he screamed some more. Then I sat in the back seat next to him and played with toys and tried to keep his mood up. I guess what I was wondering is if this is the best way to handle his frustrations for now or if there is something I haven't thought of. I try to be careful to do things like offer him a new object to hold before I take one away, not to pick him up too quickly and carry him off if he's doing something, you know--just manage transitions well so he won't get upset in the first place. But I couldn't have predicted this particular upset and I guess there is this little voice saying that, what if I get into a pattern of "placating" him and he learns that screaming is a good way to get attention? I like to think I give him tons of positive attention anyway but I'm just so nervous about messing up.

[Piglet68]

At his tender age, there really isn't anything you can say to him to make him feel better, or to ease the transition from "fun things", like being in that crib. So I probably wouldn't have let him sit there any longer...however, I would also have comforted him as much as possible, whispered to him things like "I know it's hard to leave things when we're having fun", etc.

As mamaduck said, you can comfort the emotions without changing what happened to provoke them. I don't distinguish a tantrum based on what the particular emotion is. I comfort DD whether she is scared, sad, or just genuinely angry/frustrated at not getting what she wants. I don't give in on the issue, but that's separate from the emotional reaction, IMO.

[Dechen]

Originally Posted by Piglet68

At his tender age, there really isn't anything you can say to him to make him feel better, or to ease the transition from "fun things", like being in that crib. So I probably wouldn't have let him sit there any longer...however, I would also have comforted him as much as possible, whispered to him things like "I know it's hard to leave things when we're having fun", etc.

I have a baby the same age, and this is what I do.

[sweetest]

Dd is 12 months and often gets fustrated, and has just a general overwhelmed with the world scream fest.

I just try to stay close to her and say things like "its hard to get so tired", etc. And just really respect her letting off her stress. Last night was really bad, she just learned to walk and yesterday was her first day at daycare that she could get up and walk with the other kids, then a baby bit her (not hard) and she got to paint for the first time, plus I just started back at school and my little brother is in the hospital in another state, so I have been stressed. So last night around 7 pm it was like time to let it all out. I turned off the tv and all but one soft light and sat with her while she let it go.

Long story, but my point is at this age respect how hard it is to discover the world and the fact you want things and then that you cant always have them. I think being calm and being close are the 2 most important things you can do.

[wednesday]

Thanks for all the advice, mamas! It's good to be reminded how new and sometimes frustrating figuring out the world is for him.