talking to 3yo about death

[dnr3301]

My gramma died on Saturday. I have a 3 yo dd. we were all there with Gramma when she died and I have talked to dd about it, but I'm just not sure if I'm doing it right. We are using the words "dead" and "died" and she's talked about squished bugs being dead, they can't play with their families. right now she is painting and yelling at something "it's not your family, it's my family" (huh?) She said she was going to paint a picture about Great Gramma (I actually said, "why don't you paint a picture about Great Gramma?" and she said, "I am already.")

How do I know she understands?

Tomorrow is the funeral, there is no wake, so no body viewing. She was there when the funeral home people came to take away Gramma's body. We told her that Gramma didn't need her body anymore and there are people whose job it is to take care of people's bodies after they die. I just didn't want her to be confused about what happened to her body, but I feel like people are second guessing our decision to let her be there then. She seemed ok and is asking questions, so I feel like she feels comfortable talking about it.

After she died, the next time we went over to her house (my parents and siblings are all there), she asked if she could be loud now (we had told her to be quieter than usual in the few days before she died), so I think she knows something is different.

any ideas?

[green-zots]

Be as honest and as straight forward as possible

My father-in-law died when my daughter was 2.5. The we told her that Poppy was very sick and was not going to get better. That prepared her for the hospital. When Dad died the next morning we told her that Poppy was gone. He had died and gone to heaven to be with Jesus. We instinctivly didn't take her to the funeral or burial just so she would not be anymore confused about Poppy being "gone". Over the next few days and months as she was asking questions, my husband would give her straight forward answers. I really feel it helped him as much as helping her. I don't know how he explained death (I wasn't there), but I do know that as she got older she would talk about "her Poppy" and seemed very comfortable with everything that had happened.

My mother-in-law has never really agreed with how we handled the situation but we did what we felt was right for us.

You should follow your instincts and be ready for more questions as she gets older. She will remember this time and understand more as she gets older and ask about the things she doesn't. She may also repeat questions. Make sure she grieves (it may be a while Mandy didn't really grieve until about a year later) and be ready.

I am sorry for your loss
Mardene

[lisamarie]

I am really sorry to hear about your Grandma (((HUGS)))).

My ds was 3 1/2 yo when my 1st dh died. I was at such a loss on how to talk w/him about death. The library can be a wonderful resource for books for both you and her. "Guiding Your Child Through Grief" is a great book for parents and 'When Grandpa Died" (I think that is what it is called) is also a good one for kids.

In our family grief and loss group, we talked about how the body died, but the soul is the best part and that is what is in heaven. As your child grows and goes through different developmental stages, their understanding of death will also grow and change.

My thoughts are with you~

Lisa:bf