What's your PPD story?

[tara]

As I read these boards, every now and then I come across someone posting an aside about when she had PPD. And I realize, again, just how many of us deal with it/have dealt with it. I think my midwife said 25% - "the most common complication of pregnancy" she called it. Well, then, why didn't I know anyone who had PPD before I suffered with it? Why did it take my coming out about it to find out my mother suffered with PPD after her pregnancies? It's something we don't talk about much. Like miscarriage, something else I had to experience and share with others before I found out how many women I know and love have had miscarriages.

So, if you have had PPD, tell your story, please! What happened, how did you feel, what did you do, how did you know, are you still dealing with it? how did you heal? Etc! There are incredible stories of strength and survival in here, I just know it!

[asherah]

I had been diagnosed as clinically depressed a few years ago and I was on Paxil a while. So I knew I'd be at risk for PPD. But my mom stayed with me for the first 5 weeks after ds was born, so I had lots of help and was mostly fine. When she left it was like I started crying and couldn't stop. I was sure I was a totally incompetent mom and that something awful was going to happen to ds. I didn't want to be alone with him because I was afraid something would happen to him and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I started having obsessive thoughts about bad things happening to him. I kind of withdrew from both ds and dh at times because I thought they would be better off without me. I cried and cried and cried.

Finally I called a cognitive therapist who specializes in PPD. She has been teaching me very practical techniques to stop the obsessive thoughts. She sent me to a psychiatrist who also specializes in PPD and I have just gone back on the Paxil and I'm waiting for it to kick in.

Things are still very hard. I feel like ds prefers dh because I have been so unavailable at times. The therapist says that is part of my depression.. thinking ds doesn't love me as much as he does dh. I hope that goes away soon because I am very sad about it at times. My marriage is very strained because I am so volitile and I can't feel anything sometimes. DH is going to the therapist with me.

I believe these treatments will work and that we will get through this but right now it is hard.

And I have asked lots of moms and dads I know about ppd and it turns out a LOT of people I know have had it. People just don't talk about it which is part of the problem. We all think we are in it alone but we really aren't.

Anyway, hugs to all of you out there with this struggle. Get help if you need it and don't be ashamed or feel guilty. We can get through it and come out stronger and better.

Shoshana (aka Asherah)

[lauraess]

my story

Hi all. My ppd story will take us back to my history of issues, including alcholic father and undiagnosed but definately mentally ill mom, my own substance abuse, and years of counseling. with my first birth I was very anxious and irritable and my emotions were volitile (sp?) I tried to be perfect all the time knowing I couldnt and shouldnt try but the obsession of this was very strong. My dh would try to help me change a diaper and I'd go off telling him I HAD to do it my self and blah blah blah. I was nursing and trying to get that right and would not take a break from reading the books and worrying about it and it was actually going fine. I couldnt sleep well even when I had a chance, couldnt relax. yelled a lot. especially in the middle of the night. felt overwhelmed and cried a lot. this lasted a long time. people suggested I could have ppd and of course I basically said " well sure I'm having a hard time, because of this----- and this----- and this--- but that doesnt mean its depression. DENIAL.
With my dds birth I was prepared. at this point I realized that I had gone through ppd and that I wasnt able to admit it. I wanted things to be different , I mean my dh and I really were scared to have another! I read up and when the symptoms started hitting me after the unplanned repeat c-sec I tried so hard not to have, well, I began telling the nurses and drs and my midwives and a week later I had a script for paxil. things improved a whole lot. actually, I felt better than I ever did in my life.
Currently, I have been trying to wean myself off of the paxil and have had a lot of difficulty the last three weeks or so. i decided to not drop the doseage so low for now. I'm planning on talking to someone, just dont know who. my psychiatrist who does the dispensing only isnt much help. and my family dr is holistic and doesnt want me on it at all.
I definately think its important to talk about ppd. i warned a freind who was recently preg just to let her know id be someone to talk to if she needed it.
Laura

[tara]

Ok, I'll go...

I have a history of depression, fought it for years. I went off my meds about six months before getting pregnant and really did pretty good until about three days after Jackson's birth. I woke up crying. I cried all day. It was like I had no control over it, the tears just kept coming. I knew that 'baby blues' were really common and figured that's what I had and it would work itself out. But, each progressive day got worse and worse until I was just lying in bed crying all day. My partner and my mother took care of the baby and they brought him to me when he was hungry. I would nurse him and hand him back - I didn't change diapers, didn't hold him or look at him any longer than I needed to. Nursing felt like a huge chore and it took all I had not to formula feed. I couldn't remember why I wanted a baby so badly (and Jackson was the result of *years* of planning) and I longed with all my heart for my old life. I wanted him to disappear. He felt like somebody else's baby.

This was the worst depression I have ever felt. It was completely debilitating. I was barely functioning, and I am so grateful that there were other loving people to be there for my son. I think, at least for me, that is the most insidious part of PPD - the big barrier it puts between you and your babe. To this day I struggle to bond with him, though it's getting better every day. I'm starting to feel in love with him more often, to have difficulty imagining my life without him, and that is a very sweet feeling...

About a week into his life, I woke up and knew that I had to do something. I tried to call my midwives' office, but it was before hours and I didn't feel like I should 'trouble' them to use the pager (if you are ever in this situation, PLEASE USE THE PAGER!). Tried to call my friend who is a naturopath but couldn't reach her. So, I called the nurse at my HMO who had been doing my weekly NSTs, someone I felt I had some connection with. It was the best I could think of. Well, she was wonderful - told me I had PPD, I needed to come in and get some help immediately, asked if I had someone with me. I saw my doctor that day and got a Rx for Paxil. My naturopath friend also prescribed progesterone drops. The progesterone worked like magic for me - I didn't completely recover, but it quickly took the edge off so that I could function. And it helped some of the physical symptoms I was having - hot flashes, insomnia. A few weeks later the Paxil started working and I felt like I was returning to the earth little by little. It was a hard decision to take the Paxil - I really didn't want to bf with a psychotropic medication in my milk. But, what choice did I have, really? I think breastmilk with a teeny bit of Paxil is probably better than formula, and that's where I was headed.

This has been a pretty incredible experience for me. I honestly wasn't sure I would survive it, honestly wasn't sure I could ever be a mom. My birth was hard, and this was waaaayyyy harder. I'm so proud of myself for surviving. I'm so proud of myself for sticking with AP when I just wanted to get this baby away from me. AP probably helped us recover. I feel infinitely grateful that I had such good support - my beloved partner has never resented doing all the work during those first couple of weeks, and friends and family surrounded us with love.

I also tried going off my Paxil a couple of months ago, with the help of a naturopath and a constitutional homeopathic... No go. I tapered off very slowly, but it was pretty amazing how quickly I found those horrible thoughts coming back - I caught myself longing for my old life again. So, I'm back on - I'll try again later, sometime when we're getting more sleep maybe.

Thanks for sharing your stories. We are not alone! And we are strong, resilient women...

[lauraess]

depression

Tara: I was glad to read ;your story. thanks. I've gone back up to about 17 mg of paxil after coming down from 20mg and to 12mg. I was just having so much more anxiety and mood drops. my tendency to be violent and abusive came back like gang busters. I hate to even put it in print. did you ever get violent? I'm sure it's part of my personality and one may simply go another way with it. I've been to twelve steps meeting in the past for my chemical dependency and that was for a consistent 6 years. My freinds who still go to meetings are surely thinking I belong there and lately since I've had such trouble i wonder if I should go back to meeting. I just tend to think that so much of what goes on with me is the depression and the motherhood and the intricacies of all that chaos and psycho-sh&*. kwim???
I feel the meetings are too much of a huge pressure for me when I already have so much pressure.
Laura

[tara]

Laura: I'm still on 40 mg! I cut back to 20, weaning very gradually, but I felt like poop again... I don't get violent with my depression, but I know others who do. I get comatose - the other end of the spectrum!

And, fwiw, I think you should go to meetings only if you feel you get good support there, not because your friends think you should...

[JesseMomme]

My turn

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[tara]

Thanks for your story, JesseMomme!

[lauraess]

Jesse: I dont know your birth storie/s but it implied they might be traumatic. Mine were what i would call traumatic as well and I certainly include them in the factors leading to my ppd. thanks so much for sharing because it is very important to others. the ignorance is rampant. I always thought I wasnt depressed but after being on paxil I see the truth. how does one know if shes not exactly laying about but not reaching her potential( or getting close) that shes depressed unless she feels the changes taking place? kwim? I am so much more motivated and positive when I'm feeling ok with the help of paxil. I had been advised by freinds for years that maybe I needed meds and now I'm sure I always did need them. Havving a babyjust made it all so much more clear. the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and negative thoughts were debilitating. people think ppd is a hormonal thing and dont realize that it has many contributing factors.
Please, keep the stories coming!
Laura

[JesseMomme]

Trauma -and my first son's birth

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[tara]

I think you make very good points. Personally, I didn't have what anyone else would probably call a 'traumatic' birth, but it was traumatic for me. It was so much more painful than I imagined it would be, and so much longer than I imagined it would be. I had distinct moments of feeling out of control and trapped. I had to transfer to the hospital (they were really good to me, but it wasn't where I wanted to be). In the weeks after, I kept having flashbacks to the birth, remembering how it felt and feeling it in my body again. I almost felt like I had PTSD. I definitely feel like that was a component in my PPD.

Thanks again for sharing, everybody!

[asherah]

NM-
I am so glad you said that about scissors and knives!
I have had an awful time with them throughout this ppd... I have been totally afraid to have them around and it has really made me feel psychotic. I do not have post-partum psychosis.. but this stuff is scary.

2 weeks on the Paxil now and doing much better, even though I still have so much to deal with.

Blessings to you all,
Asherah

[miriam]

ppd

I just wanted to know if anyone ever used electroshock therapy. WhenI called the local University (UCLA) that is what they were using. I just prayed and prayed that I would get better. I finally did.

[tara]

Thank you for your story, NM. I really admire your strength and perseverance. Did I understand correctly that with your last pregnancy you took meds immediately? And it kept the PPD at bay? I have been thinking that if I chose to get pregnant again I would want to start medication before birth, maybe a couple of weeks before. Preventatively (is that a word?). I'm not sure that docs would agree with that, but my experience was so horrible that I want to do anything I can to avoid it happening again. In fact, I might not have another baby because of it. That postpartum time when I expected to be in love with my baby and feeling exhausted but high on the experience... well, I never got that. Maybe nobody really gets that, but instead I wanted to get rid of my baby and run away. Still makes me shiver to remember it.

[tara]

Good to know, NM. Good to know. Thanks...