Totally ignorant .. what is GD?

[Snowbaby]

I'm learning more and more about AP and through these boards have been convinced to delay vaccinating my DD (will skip some altogether), to wear her as much as possible (got a sling!) and to exclusively breastfeed (I planned on this all along but didn't understand just how important it was and got tons of support on here to hang in there when it was rough). Sooooo, I'm on to the next are of exploration.... this gentle discipline thing.

What exactly is this about? I thought it's generally accepted by even the most mainstream parents that corporal punishment is wrong, that yelling at your kid is damaging, that redirection is optimal, that time-outs are useful but not in excess, etc. I know the reality of many parents is different than the philosophy ... but isn't most people's parenting philosophy consistent with gentle disciplining? Or am I not understanding what gentle disciplining is? (I'm assuming it means not hitting and not yelling and trying to TALK to your child and offer rewards for positive behavior instead of punishment for negative behavior).

Just interested in learning.

[mamaduck]

Welcome to the forum! Glad you are here.

I think most of us agree that GD means approaching discipline with the understanding that "to discipline" means "to teach." I find that much of GD is helping our kids to find constructive ways to express strong feelings or solve frustrating problems (instead of acting out.) GD also tries to get to the root of negative behaviors and address the causes rather than simply try to control the behaviors.

There are varying degrees to which all of us approach discipline, but many of us avoid cohearsing good behavior by making threats and punishing.

Yes, we stive to treat our children gently and not to yell, but we also realize its okay to show our feelings.

I'm assuming it means not hitting and not yelling and trying to TALK to your child and offer rewards for positive behavior instead of punishment for negative behavior.

I think you'll find that many of us avoid using rewards for similar reasons that we avoid using punishment. We want our children to be internally motivated when they behave well. Not motivated by what we might give them or do to them. I like to think of my children growing in discipline as a natural part of their lives, not because I am imposing motivating factors.

Anyone here is free to speak up if I have mispoken! I hesitate to try to define GD broadly, because I realize that each of us has a slightly different take.

[maya44]

It is hard to define. ITA with Mama Duck that rewards are not really part of any real GD philosophy.

Unklike some, I, also, don't believe all that much in redirection (after very early toddlerhood) because I believe a child has to learn that they have the power in their own bodies to get over a frustrating circumstance and needs to feel their emotions, not have them 'redirected'

Also, not vaxing has little to do with AP, it has to do with some people's view of a Natural Lifestyle. I do agree though that giving thought to vaxing is part of the AP philosophy of making concious decisions about parenting. But at least some AP'ers believe in vaxing.

[heythere heather]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

I think you'll find that many of us avoid using rewards for similar reasons that we avoid using punishment. We want our children to be internally motivated when they behave well. Not motivated by what we might give them or do to them.

that is totally my take!

Anyway, you might be surprised at how mainstream parents really discipline. Many might *say* they dont' believe in spanking, but the reality I see is that a lot of parents have spanked their kids before...especially in the toddler years. Another one that really bothers me--slapping the hand when a normally exploring toddler is reaching for something fun (and not even dangerous, like a stove. I didn't slap hands even then, but I see parents slap hands because their toddler is reaching for the stereo, say, or a rock on the ground).

[Piglet68]

First of all, welcome to another aspect of MDC! I'm glad you are getting so much out of our board!

It's hard to define GD, because really you'll find that there are spectrums of discipline even on this board where we are all "GD". I also think you are lucky if you are mostly surrounded by the kind of parents you describe! Thanks to LLL and my local MDC tribes, I can find that type of mama...but my experience pre-baby was that most parents spanked or used punishment (including my own parents).

Anyways, I think the previous posters have done a great job of explaining what GD is...but I think the best way is to just grab a cup of tea, sit back, and read the threads here! You really get a feel for it by working through specific situations with specific ages of kids, right here with all of us!

[Piglet68]

By the way, if you want in on a great GD discussion, check out the "it's official, GD does not work with my kid" thread. It's pretty long now, lol...but it does give one a pretty good overview of the issues we deal with.

[LorrieJ]

This reminded me of a sad incident I saw today while shopping. A mom was with her two children shopping for shoes and I hear her telling her kid very loudly that if he didn't stop she was going to smack her in the head. And continues to degrade her by calling her stupid, etc. etc. Then she picks a pair of shoes out for the daughter and she says she doesn't want to wear boys shoes. The mom proceeds to tell her she is going to smack her if she doesn't cut it out, that she wears boys clothes all the time and she can very well wear boys shoes! OMG I didn't know what to do with my anger so I said nothing. Now I am sitting here wishing that I at least said something encouraging to the child...but that could have brought on more wrath for the child. OHHHH some people. "I just wanna SMACK that lady" :

[Magnoliamama]

: I love the question you posed - thank you for asking it. I am such a new student to GD. Thankfully, it seems to work well with my and DHs personalities and parenting philosophies, so it has been a pretty good ride so far with GD, even with two under two.

Not to hijack your thread on GD....but don't forget to check out the Diapering forum as well to learn why you should use cloth on your sweet little one!!

[Snowbaby]

piglet68 - i'm reading the "it's official..." thread as you suggested (in pieces as I find time since it's so long) and it's VERY interesting. It's definitely a different approach than anything I've seen, though I have ot say that the parents around me (peers, not MY parents) are pretty good about the way they discipline (not hitting, no yelling, using reasoning/ rewards instead of punishment, etc.) but clearly GD is still quite different (for one, the concept of rewards not being used either is pretty new to me!).

LorrieJ - that IS very sad. I don't think most parents would agree with that mother's attitude/ approach - even non-GD ones. Calling your child stupid or any other name is deplorable!

BlueDragonflymama -- heehee ... I "tried" looking into cloth diapering before the baby came and was just OVERWHELMED by how much "gear" there seems to be. DH and I are open to cloth diapering but are soooo confused and pretty lazy about implementing it. We need the "real dummy's guide" to getting started on CD. DH thinks we can start slow by CD at home but not when we go out (we worry it'll be too messy). However, it's been all talk to this point!

[Piglet68]

Originally Posted by Snowbaby

DH thinks we can start slow by CD at home but not when we go out (we worry it'll be too messy). However, it's been all talk to this point!

totally off-topic (bad moderator!) but this is exactly how I started CDing when DD was 8 months old. I had all of five cloth diapers at home...it's a great way to try it out, and gain confidence. Before you know it, you'll be planning your next child to be "100% sposie free"!