Are there GD mama's here with many small children?

[3 little birds]

I would love to hear from mom's who have successfully used GD while parenting many small children. I am about to have 4 children 5 and under. I am mostly concerned about maintaining respect towards my children and modelling appropriate behavior. I guess I just need some encouragement (and tips if you have any ) because I am petrified of screwing my kids up.

GD has become a real challenge for me (we don't hit, but have yelled, been not so nice, etc.) since my third was born. My twins are 4 and were 2 when ds was born. I was really good at gentle discipline with the twins. I never raised my voice, always had time for their issues, etc. After ds was born things became more hectic and more difficult. The twins will be 5 and ds 2.5 when #4 is born and I am really worried about how to meet everyones needs, disciplinary and otherwise.

TIA!

[3 little birds]

Okay, now I am REALLY freaked out-not one mama with lots of little ones?!

How about this-do you know anyone with lots of little ones who you admire because of the way they parent them gently? Maybe someone with lots of kids who grew up well adjusted and happy?

[annettemarie]

I have three five and under. It does get tougher, but when it's going right it feels soooo nice. Maybe we should start a tribe!
Annette

[Magella]

Hi! I have 3 under 5. They are 4 (about to turn 5), 2 (about to turn 3) and 8 months. I am not the guru of GD, but I keep trying! I would also love to hear from moms of 3 or more little ones, or moms of 3 or more who used to be little.

I have my best, non-yelling, effective and fun days when I'm well-fed (no junk), well-hydrated, as well-rested as a mom of 3 little ones can be, limiting my caffeine, in contact with friends with similar parenting styles in whom I can confide, and remembering to chill out because this very moment is all we really have. Live in the present, but be mindful of the future: if I want my daughter to someday be able to say no to people, to make her own decisions then I can't tell her not to say no now (but I can teach her to usually be respectful when she disagrees); if I want them to be respectful and compassionate, then I have to be respectful and compassionate towards them; if I want them to listen to me, I need to listen to them.

Here are other things that help me:
I try to remember that we are not enemies, so we do not need to struggle and I don't need to "pick my battles." We just need to work together (and because i'm the mom, mostly I have to find a way for us all to get our needs met-I am their ally after all).

My mom takes my oldest two to her house every Saturday. We visit my inlaws every Thursday afternoon and stay for dinner.

My friend and the mom I'd most like to be like makes dates with her 3 kids to stay connected, and that's something I'm going to start. She's also mindful of how she speaks to her kids, which I've been posting notes to remind myself to do. And most important, she recognizes when she's yelled too much or whatever and talks about it but does not beat herself up over it. This, to me, is one of the big keys to staying sane and parenting well, because the more I beat myself up, the grouchier I am and the more I yell/disrespect/struggle with my kids. When I realize I'm human and that being a mom is hard and I will occasionally make a mistake but no one will be ruined forever, I can apologize, relax and continue on in a more gentle way.

Well, those are just some things that have helped me. I'm a work in progress. I came from a yelling, spanking, silent-treatment, kids- don't- have -their -own -thoughts -and -feelings home, so I'm reprogramming myself and it's not always easy.

Also, we're starting to find a rhythm to our days. You have to do that with every new child, I think. It's so much fun to have lots of kids, too. Congratulations on your new little one! I would love to have a 4th! Unfortunately, dh does not feel the same way. Good luck!

[Mama J Rock]

I have three but only two of them are little, the older one is 12 so that helps me out from time to time.

What helps me the most is to try to make sure that when I'm alone with my kids during the day the only thing that I have to do is make some lunch. Otherwise I'm available to play, rock, kiss boo-boos or whatever else needs tending to. I try to not have anything specific that I have to get done until my dh is home to help. I've found that I am shorter with patience when I have something I feel pressed to do and my 2 yo and 1 yo pick up on that and feed on it. It seems like I can get lots of laundry folded while they play if I don't have to...but as soon as a I need to get it folded for whatever reason, they somehow know it and suddenly decide that it's time to get clingy and want to help me. Then I find myself getting irritated to all get out that I can't just get a load of laundry folded. Does that make any sense?

What I'm basically saying is that I sometimes have to step back and lower my standards of behavior that I expect from my little ones. If I set out folding clothes with the expectation that they will want to "help" and I'll only end up folding them again later, then I don't get as frustrated. I either just forget about folding the clothes until later or enjoy their pleasure of helping mom a little.

Now I know that somedays there are things that just have to get done, but if I anticipate those things then I am better prepared for the side effects of having little ones around to help.

I've also found that if I'm pre-occupied with something then the girls also start picking on each other and I find myself wanting to get after them for not being nice (mostly the 2yo here) but that's another one where I have to lower my expectations of her behavior and get down on the floor and play along with them. They know what will get my attention and usually if I'm free to just play with them then they get along much better than if I expect them to get along on their own.

So I hope that some of this makes sense. It's hard having little ones. All of my romantic visions of SAHMotherhood definitely ended when I no longer just had one baby at home. All of the things that I could get done and be organized about went out the window. Hang in there mama. Remember, they're just kids. They need us to show them the way even when we think that they should get it by now.

[mommydama]

I have three girls under four right now. I am just really learning about GD. It is not the way I was raised (though I would describe my parents and gentle, loving, people who rarely yelled, they did spank). GD seems to mean so many different things to people that it is hard to get a handle on exactly what GD is. I'm getting a good idea of what it is *not*.

We would like to add more children to our family, so I will be interested in a this thread...and how others with big families manage.

[3 little birds]

Thank you so much for the replies!! I am so relieved to not be alone.

I come from a non gentle family, and it makes me afraid, because I don't want to do the same things to my children that my parents did.

My mother often criticizes me for not "training" my children. If they do something she doesn't like, she tells me it's because they need discipline (to her that means spanking).

My kids are not perfect, I do not expect them to be, but they are happy and sweet and caring. They respond very well to GD, not well at all to yelling (which is my biggest problem, but am getting alot better). Finding time to attend to one child's GD needs while the other two are pouring juice on the floor is the problem. I need a clone! J/K

I hope more people post, I enjoy reading everyone's experiences!

[Magnoliamama]

(I only have two under 2, but I feel a connection here.)

Wow, Mama J Rock -- you took the words right out of my mouth. I thought I was the only one who has great days if I have no expectations - but the minute I expect to get something done (as simple as laundry), both of the kids "freak out" for lack of a better description. I agree that your approach works best, especially when they are really young (like, under 2!) - the fewer the expectations, the better. But I have to say, that it is a frustrating way to live at times if I sit and think about it when I'm in a cynical mood. I remind myself that:
- the laundry can wait
- dinner can wait
- the cat can wait
- the internet can wait (LOL)

All of these things can wait because the babies won't be little forever, and how I treat them now is shaping their personality, and even shaping them as a mother in the future. I try to focus on the fact they they have been entrusted to me, and I need to treat them gently. I also want to break the cycle of un-gentle discipline in which I was raised, and the only way to do that is to suck it up and be focused all the time. To enable myself to do this, like one of the previous posters - I make sure that I get breaks. I also discuss discipline issues at length with DH (he's so good with GD), I take "me" time, and sometimes we have a 10 yo from the neighborhood come to play with them some mornings while I simply clean the kitchen and get us ready for the day. Surprisingly, little actions like this keep up a well of strength I can draw on when the going gets tough and I feel exasperated. I am not perfect - I have said unkind things and haven't always been "mindful" of the way I speak to them. I don't beat myself up - I try to examine the triggers for my behavior, work through them, and try again the next day.

Gosh, the tone of this post isn't very upbeat, and I apologize for that -- I was just typing as I was thinking! I love being a mommy of little ones so close together - the challenge makes me strong.

I'd love to keep hearing more about this - I am surprised every day at how much effort it takes to care for multiple little ones who are so young. Talking about it really helps!

[Magella]

Originally Posted by BlueDragonflyMama

Wow, Mama J Rock -- you took the words right out of my mouth. I thought I was the only one who has great days if I have no expectations - but the minute I expect to get something done (as simple as laundry), both of the kids "freak out" for lack of a better description.

Me too! It took me awhile to figure it out, but things do go much more smoothly when I don't feel pressured to get something done.

What I'm basically saying is that I sometimes have to step back and lower my standards of behavior that I expect from my little ones.

What a good discussion

[suziek]

my babes are 4,2 and 4 months

Hi. I wonder sometimes if we have as many children as we can handle, plus one. I was a cool cucumber mama until a few months ago--I even did two extended solo stints while my DH worked abroad. But lately I have been struggling, and I don't know if its a function of their ages and the myriad developmental issues they--and I--are facing, or the fact that there just aren't that many gaps between someone needing me desperately, or that sometimes all three cry/need to eat/want to be held at exaclty the same time, or that we just moved from NYC, which was a challenging enough place to live, to Moscow with is absolutely impossible.

But discipline is our big issue right now--how to teach kindness, patience, etc., and still get things done that need to get done. Sometimes I am the one with the greatest discipline issue--I lose my fiery Irish temper far too often. Eghads. And now my four year old makes this crazy angry face and hisses "I have had it," which is something I do/say.

So I am babbling. But here is my point: I want to make this work--and fun. My mom had four in eight years and we had FUN. Our house was a wreck, we were often late for everyhting important--weddings, church, school, swim lessons--but we swam all summer, had spaghetti-Os by candlelight, slept in our parent's bed when we needed extra love. I'd like to have one more baby, but my wise and wonderful DH thinks we need to get life with three groving, and make sure we adults are happy and loving life before we even contemplate another. So that's me.

I have no idea how to do this, but maybe we should start a tribe...

How?

[flminivanmama]

I have 4 year old twins and a 3 year old, all boys. I have a hard time with my temper - always have... so I am subbing to this thread.

[MamaOui]

Hello,

I have a four year old, a two year old, and a six month old. I was a cool and collected mama until I was about nine months pregnant with my dd (#3) and then every thing changed. It now feels like chaos more often than not. I am trying to find the balance between running a home and my mothering.

I RARELY ever raised my voice before my dd arrived and now I do so on a regular basis. We figured out that my ds#2 has pretty severe asthma when I was pregnant with dd#3, so that poses some dilemas: one being that my house needs to be reasonably dust and clutter free, two being that he has a hard time with sleep due to his medication, and three being that he has many dietary needs that I must meet in order to help get him off of his medication.

Blue DragonflyMama, How on earth can dinner wait? LOL

[Graceoc]

And now my four year old makes this crazy angry face and hisses "I have had it," which is something I do/say.

Oh my I have BTDT! My four year old has this uncanny ability to sound *just like me* and it is always when I am at my worst Don't you just love that LOL! But I look at it like a wake up call and do my best to change...it is a daily journey, with lots of bumps along the way.

I have started making myself a sticker chart on our calander - and I give myself a smilie face on the days I feel like I did my best - it is silly, but a fun motivator for me LOL!

I only have 2 right now (DS 4, DD 2) - with another little one on the way, so this has been a great thread for me.

[Magella]

finding time to attend to one child's GD needs while the other two are pouring juice on the floor is the problem.

Aha! See, you can't always stop things like that from happening, so this is where you have to pull out the old sense of humor even though you feel like your head is going to explode. Have you seen that commercial where the kid shakes up the bottle of soda and it explodes all over the floor, then the mom turns arouns and says "that's it!" in an angry voice, then smiles and sprays him with the hose from the sink, and he laughs and sprays her with soda and it's a huge mess? That's the kind of silliness that's perfect for those crazy, everything's falling apart moments. This is a good time to let it all go and get silly. Or get quiet, if that works better. I don't remember to do this often enough, but we have a little singing bowl (like a bell) that we ring when we're very upset or things are just frustrating, overwhelming, or nuts that's the signal for everyone to just stop, be quiet, and help each other relax (usually by sitting down for hugs).

How on earth can dinner wait? LOL

This is why sandwiches were created And breakfast foods. And take-out that dh can pick up on his way home :

But discipline is our big issue right now--how to teach kindness, patience, etc., and still get things done that need to get done.

That's the challenge! It works best for us when the kids are involved in all those things that need to get done. To my amazement, cleaning the kitchen after breakfast has become a fun thing because we all do it together. Cooking a meal is fun when everyone participates. Things take longer to do this way, and that can be frustrated if I feel something has to be done quickly but it really is the best way to get stuff done, and the kids learn so much by doing it. If only I were more organized and planned my time better I wouldn't feel rushed and we'd be a lot less frustrated.

My big question is, how do you get everyone out the door without going nuts when you have to be somewhere and everytime you start helping someone get ready, someone else starts playing or strips naked or starts crying? Right now this is my biggest challenge. I hate knowing I have to get them all ready to go somewhere.

[jeanettemc]

OK ladies, I've been reading all of your posts because I really want to have my babes close together. DS is 15 months now and I know I want at least two more and then to go to grad school when they are old enough for me to handle it (or so the plan goes but you know how that is!). So, thanks for the education- now I'm totally unsure! and DH just wants to be able to pay bills first- go figure!

[merpk]

et al.

Have 4 children b'H, the oldest is 6. Also working through gentleness issues, but interestingly have found that I'm doing much better at it since #3 showed up. Maybe it goes with being more secure as "Mommy" and less crazed about being unable to tolerate certain behavior.

Though my 2yo is really pushing that high tolerance envelope, he's a climber and a toy-thrower and really just totally mischevious in a way my others weren't ...




Anyway, this may not be the type of solution you're talking about, but this is what works for me: Mantras.

Whenever I'm about to blow, I shut my mouth, put the tip of my tongue on a spot on the upper palate right behind the teeth (tai chi ) and in my head repeat whatever mantra is my favorite at the moment. Or sometimes (when it's really tough) have to say the mantra aloud. But always have to say/think it over and over till I calm down.

Then I can deal with the children.

As a general rule the mantra is a phrase or short sentence with specific meaning, and it is *not* just a sound or a few syllables strung together ... usually they're Biblical verses relating to anger, or strength to get through difficulty, etc. But anything that means "patience" or reminds you of what is really important in the moment will suffice.




It works for me.

[Sasha_girl]

I have 3 young kids, they are 5, 3, and 10 months. What I try to remember is provention is key! At their ages things can disintegrate in a second, but if I work to keep everything running smooth and everyone's needs met before it becomes an issue we have a much better time. We all feel better when we've eaten good foods and have drank plenty of water. We try to practice the Waldorf principle of expansion and contraction, so that the kids don't get out of balance. Have they listened to a story and are now attempting to climb all over the couch? Let's go outside! Have we played outside so long that throwing sand at each other seems like the thing to do? Let's go take a bath and see if all that sand turns the tub black!

So I have an almost endless bag of redirection tricks. Kids love to imitate. If I need "help" making lunch, washing dishes, or folding laundry I have two eager helpers (and a baby who wants to knock the piles of clean laundry over and crawl all over them); if I have never been turned down when I've suggested painting a picture or playing with homemade dough.

The one time that was really hard for me when Holden (the baby) was younger was when he needed to nurse. For awhile it seemed like that was the free-for-all time, when Mommy was unable to get up and chase us if we decided to sled down the stairs in sleeping bags. There were some really tough moments when it was hard to keep my cool and could hear myself becoming my parents. Finally I just had a long heart-to-heart with myself. I was making myself the victim, turning it into a me-against-them struggle while I was outnumbered. I thought about it from their point of view; how boring it would be to have your mom sitting quietly while the baby eats and she wants you to be quiet too!

So we started reading Laura Ingalls Wilder. All through Little House in the Big Woods I nursed the baby with dd at my side. She couldn't believe that Laura was the same age then that she is now! DS, who is 3, listened to some, played at my feet with his cars for the rest. Without DD to plot insurgence with, he became docile. :LOL But it gives dd and I some special cuddling time and solved the problem of how to nurse with two young kids.

Anyway, hope of of this helps you. Great discussion topic!

[3 little birds]

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am really enjoying everyone's responses. It is encouraging to hear from other mom's who are gentle. The only people I know IRL with so many young ones are Ezzoists' :. They think I am totally wacky.
I agree that redirection and keeping one's sense of humor are the key. I am trying really hard to remember that all day long.

I look forward to more reading here!

[Magella]

Merpk, I use a mantra of sorts too It's helpful. Mine sounds silly on the face of it: "Don't blame the lettuce!" I started using that when I read a book by a buddhist monk. He had given a lecture using the example of growing lettuce, and said that when we plant lettuce, if it doesn't grow we don't blame the lettuce. We check whether it needs fertilizer or water or sun. But when we have problems with family or friends, we blame the other person. If we work to understand them and know how to take care of them they'll grow well like the lettuce. So it was all about not blaming the people we have problems with, but working toward understanding, and how if we can show we understand we can love people and give them what they need and things will change. After he gave the lecture he went outside and encountered a young girl and her mother, and the young girl looked at her mom and said something like "I am your lettuce, help me grow" and the mom said the same to the girl. So now that is my mantra "don't blame the lettuce." My children are my lettuce, and I need to help them grow.

Maybe it's odd, but it helps me calm down when things are not going well and gives me perspective.

[Melissa S]

I am a former Dobson fan and need to be re-indoctrinated. I found that if I tried to change too many things at once I got overwhelmed. I have a 9 yo, 4yo, 2 1/2 yo and 1yo.

Right now I'm getting pretty good at speaking more gently more often, trying to empathize and figure out where they are coming from and finding compromises during power struggles that work for everyone. I really need to get to the library and pick up some GD books as I still struggle with spanking and need more creative solutions at times. I do feel stretched and like I can't always meet everyone's needs. Often mama just needs to get out and refreshed and when I have my own quiet times it helps alot.