not sure where to put this...

[herewegoagain]

School started here 2 weeks ago, and twice already my 7 y.o. has thrown a fit about going and I've had to pick her up and carry her out the door with her struggling against me. She weighs about 65 lbs., and as if I weren't already paranoid enough about this pregnancy, I'm scared to death that these struggles are going to hurt the baby. My 11 y.o. even told her this morning, "You know you could hurt the baby in Mommy's tummy!".

DH starts work at 4am, so he's not here to help with her before school, and we only have one car running so if she doesn't get on the bus, she doesn't get to school.

These struggles leave me all upset and terrified that I'm going to hurt the baby. Does anybody have any suggestions for how to handle this?

[darsmama]

I am not a parent yet, but maybe try talking to her about why she dosen't want to go to school? That'd be where I'd start. Perhaps then you could explain why her struggling is not good for the baby...7 years old seems old enough to understand that...
Good luck!
Katie

[moongazer]

I have two 7 years olds and I would be concerned about them resisting so much/so often especially if this is something new. I agree that I would talk to her and try to see what is bothering her so much about school. It may just be the separation issue since she has been with you all summer. My dc have been much more clingy this summer. I think they are just reacting to the new situation (baby on the way). But there might be something going on at school to upset her.
ALSO my OB said that if you are used to doing something (like carrying her) then it is OK to keep doing it. I carried 50 pound bags of feed until my back finally said stop at about 26 weeks.
I hope you find a solution soon so you can have some peace of mind.

[srain]

If you can't negotiate a solution with her, I'd seriously consider letting her miss the bus, stay home, and make her life suck all day. Lots of housework she doesn't like, no playing, nothing she likes for lunch-

OR have her use her own money to pay for a cab.

but I imagine you'll get more detailed ideas on the gentle discipline board!

[herewegoagain]

This isn't a new thing for her--we've had problems with this since she first started school. Lately it seems the biggest problems causing her not to want to go are not finishing or losing homework. I do know of a solution for that, one I have used before with my stepdaughter from 1st marriage. Since her teacher doesn't make the students write assignments, I will get her an assignment book to write them down in and ask the teacher to check and initial it at the end of the day.

I'm not used to picking her up--she got too heavy! Sitting on lap and stuff like that is fine, but picking her up has not been a habit for a while(only in certain situations--when she gets hurt, things like that, and not at all since getting pg).

In past school years I have tried just letting her miss the bus and then giving her loads of chores and such, but it hasn't worked--she's happy to be home with me, regardless.

The cab thing sound slike a good idea, but is not practical for us. We live outside of town, and the school is even further out in the country--I think our town has a cab service, but we rarely see one. I expect cab fare would be somewhere in the neighborhood of $20, and she doesn't have it (for that matter, neither do I! lol).

She has always been clingy--I know it's my fault. I had a sb little girl less than a year before she was born, and I completely took care of her myself (left ex when she was 2--he never took care of her when he was around), was overprotective, and rarely let her out of my sight before she started school.

[mamaduck]

Is that the only issue? She is nervous about not having homework completed? I wonder if she feels generally unsure and disorganized at school?

My child is almost 8, and I've never forced him to go to school. I'm fortunate in that he loves to go. But if he ever refused then I would let him take a "mental health day" and hang out with me.

If it became on ongoing issue, then my next step would be to spend a day at school with him. I would try to be low key about it, and stay behind the scenes as much as possible -- just observing the dynamics of his class and how he manages to interact and keep organized. I know my child well enough to catch on to anything that might be bothering him, and if I saw any problems for him then I would go about trying to make the situation better for him. And I would engage his help with this task, so that he would have practise at solving problems like this.

Finally, if there were issues that could not be resolved through problem solving, then I would seriously consider either changing him to another class, school, or homeschooling him.

I've thought about this a lot -- I don't think its fair for children to be trapped in a place they don't want to be day after day. An adult who is miserable at a job can seek out another job. I think a child should have the option of working toward a better situation if that is what they really need.

But thats just me.

[cottonwood]

"In past school years I have tried just letting her miss the bus and then giving her loads of chores and such, but it hasn't worked--she's happy to be home with me, regardless."

And this doesn't seem telling to you? Are you not concerned about forcing her into a situation she's clearly unhappy with? It seems like you are assuming that her feelings here are not valid.

[herewegoagain]

The homework thing is the only thing she's expressed to me. I'm sure some of it is separation--the beginning of the school year is always the worst--having 2 months at home, then the whole upheaval in routine again.

And this doesn't seem telling to you? Are you not concerned about forcing her into a situation she's clearly unhappy with? It seems like you are assuming that her feelings here are not valid.

Actually, she's not clearly unhappy with school. From everything she has said, she actually does like school. She loves her teacher and hasn't had any problems with her classmates. I think it's more the change in routine (she has always been sensitive to that).

I am still very concerned about how picking up a struggling 65 lb. child is/could be affecting the baby I'm carrying. I know it doesn't help that I'm already paranoid about this pregnancy.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

First, I agree with the other posters that you should rule out any problems at school such as bullying, bad teacher, hating school, etc. That said, when I was 7 I had problems getting ready for school on time. It was just dawdling in my case, but it was a problem. I liked school and there were no major problems there, I just took my time getting ready! My mother spoke to my teacher about it and the teacher suggested that my mom not bug me about it too much -- let me be late (I walked to school) and then let her (the teacher) handle it. Having the teacher speak to me disapprovingly about being late did the trick! I was eager to please my new teacher. I knew my mom would still love me no matter what!

I don't know if this would work for you. I think it would only work if your dd cares about the teacher's reaction and the consequence the teacher would impose. If she does, then I would speak to the teacher in advance to get her cooperation. (Possibly the principle also, depending on your school's policy on unexcused absences. In some districts *you* can get in trouble!) If the schoool agrees to cooperate, only do "normal" stuff to help her get ready -- no forcing or carrying -- but let her know that if she misses the bus, you will not write her an excuse. When she returns to school the next day, let the teacher or the school impose an appropriate consequence. This is more realistic discipline. After all, if my dh doesn't show up for work, he gets in trouble with his boss, not me, KWIM?

I hope you find something that works for you!

[mamaduck]

Originally Posted by herewegoagain

I am still very concerned about how picking up a struggling 65 lb. child is/could be affecting the baby I'm carrying. I know it doesn't help that I'm already paranoid about this pregnancy.

This is a concern of course. Also, I think its a concern that your 7 yo. is being physically forced to do something she is resistant to. I know this would have a very negative effect on my 7 yo's sense of self, and it would be damaging to our relationship. I consider it a violation of her body. My opinion is that picking her up and carrying her is a poor solution to the problem from everyone's perspective, and I would not do that again.

Separation after the summer makes sense as a trigger for her anxiety. Can you go to school with her, and stay for a planned period of time? Can you say, "I'll stay for about 20 minutes and kiss you goodbye when you seem comfortable?"


.

[herewegoagain]

Thankfully, today was a good day. I got her up earlier so she could take her time getting ready, and had a little time to hang out with me, and I really think it helped. She's a bit of a dawdler too (although I can't imagine where she got that from ), so maybe this will be all it takes for our mornings to run more smoothly.

I remember when she was in kindergarten--she was late to school a lot. The schools here have no understanding when it comes to tardiness/absences--they threatened to call CPS. The attendance policy here is if a student in grades K-5 has 20 absences in a year (without Drs. notes), they hold the child back. I found out that it's even worse for middle school students (my 11 yo just started 6th grade)--14 days missed in a year and the student is held back. That's a big part of the reason I am so strict (for lack of a better word) about them going to school. 14 or even 20 allowed absences in a 10 month school year really doesn't amount to much, and I'd hate for either of them to be held back for attendance reasons.

[herewegoagain]

mamaduck,

I don't have the option of being able to go to school. If I did, I would take her to school (when I've been able to do that in the past it was a lot easier). We only have one car that works, and dh has to drive it to work at 4am.

I don't think the picking her up and carrying her out is that bad (for her anyway). The times I have done it, as soon as we are outside, she immediately calms down and gives me a hug and kiss goodbye. I think the effects of being held back for missing too much school, or having a mother jailed for neglect because of truancy (that's how tough they are on it here) would be much worse.

My biggest concern was whether or not I was risking injury/death to the baby I'm carrying by picking up 7yo dd. I know now after looking back at my original post that it doesn't sound that way--I was upset when I wrote it.

Hopefully, just having the extra time in the morning will work for us. I know the difference between yesterday and today was amazing.

[mamaduck]

I'm glad you found what seems to be a solution and I sincerely hope it resolves the problem.

I wasn't suggesting you drive her to school as a permanent solution. But maybe a few times to help her transition. Can you drive your dh to work in the Am once or twice? Grueling -- I know. But it would be worth it to me. Or could you borrow a car once or twice? Or ride the bus with your dd?

Hopefully it won't come to that.

[herewegoagain]

If the new routine doesn't work (keeping fingers crossed that it will), I will have to drag the girls out of bed to take dh to work. 7 yo dd has never liked getting up early, so that in itself would probably be motivation enough for her! :LOL

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think the idea of some definite routines might help, both in the afternoon and evening (so homework gets done and not lost) and in the morning. Maybe something like this could help as both a natural consequence and a real solution: afternoon routine that has a set time for homework and homework assignment verified by teacher; earlier than now bedtime so enough sleep to get up easily in the morning; earlier out of bed time; definite morning routine so ready in plenty of time for the bus.

Some of the things that have helped us deal with the onset of homework this year in our house have been a definite place for homework, attentive parents while homework is being done (but my child is younger than yours), a definite place for finished homework in backpack and place for backpack to sit until morning (we have cubbies for everyone by the door, purchased at Costco). We have a pretty set morning routine too -- you might even want to write it out on a big poster with pictures and words and a place for stickers or check marks or something.

Maybe a reward when homework is done and/or when the morning goes well and she gets herself on the bus? Its really important to recognize when things go right.

I would also check with the teacher to see if there is something else going on. I was a little older than your daughter when I suddenly didn't want to go to school either. Some kids were teasing me about my body and one boy was trying to touch me all the time. But I never told my parents about it because I was embarrassed and afraid. If she's having a hard time with classmates then this would be pretty easy to understand why she didn't want to go to school.