Let's talk limits - Page 5

[Mona]

redheadmama-
i'm not sure exactly what you are trying to say.

i think we'd all agree that boundaries, having respect for family members, and some kind of "rules" or whatever you want to call them, esp in regard to safety, fit into our lives in one way or another---
all the while leaving out arbitrary limit setting and saying no for the sake of convienence.

[monkey's mom]

Originally Posted by monkey's mom

What I think is funny about some of the tv/junk food limits is the assumption that if you don't limit it that that's all they will do. That's not true. In fact, I've seen the exact opposite happen, where the kids who are refused these things treat it as forbidden fruit and when they get the chance they DO go hog wild.

Originally Posted by ParisMaman

I'm not so sure about that one - about the TV. I've seen plenty of children who watch TV for hours and hours. I knew a girl who at 2 watched TV on all day long - and at 4 still does. Her parents would set up the laptop on her highchair while she ate dinner.

My dd is a huge homebody. If we had a TV around I am quite sure she would spend a significant portion of her time in front of it. I do let her play CD-Roms now. She would pass most of her time on them. I've tested that theory. We use a timer and she is very agreeable to that. I limit it now because of eye strain, posture and other health hazards of which she is well-informed.

Yes, that was worded poorly on my part! What I should have said was that if you don't limit that they will inherently do only that. That without limits, kids will simply respond by doing the "wrong" or "forbidden" thing. And I don't think that is true. I think there will be a period where previously limited things will be "binged" on, but over time I think that it will taper out.

The example of the laptop on the highchair kid sounds like a kid who is not free from limits, rather one who really is limited. Why would a kid want to watch TV during a fun dinner with the family? Maybe the dinner isn't fun for kid? I don't know, but that just sounds weird to me.

When we took our puppy to Puppy Kindergarten our trainer was very clear about dog proofing our homes. His message was to start VERY small with the puppy: Keep it in a crate unless you were going to watch it 100%. Then let it "have" the kitchen--under careful supervision and with all 'no nos' put away (trash, food, etc.). If it started to chew on a chair, say 'no', but give it a chew toy and praise it.

When you felt like the dog could 'handle' the kitchen, add the family room in the same manner. Eventually, the dog could have free reign of the house and would have learned the limitations, etc.

His point was that most people do the opposite. They let the puppy go in the house and it pees on something around the corner, it chews on a couch, etc. So people say, "No more going in the living room!" "No more going upstairs!" and begin to TAKE AWAY rather than ADD. And eventually the puppy is confined to the kitchen/laundry room/crate along with a handful of bad habits that are harder to unlearn than the good habits are to learn.

And I think attachment parenting is kind of like this scenario. If you are mindful and THERE with your kids: guiding them, babyproofing/toddlerproofing/kidproofing their environments (including the pysical space, but also books, tv, people, activities, etc.) you do eventually get to the point where there just aren't a lot of "No! Don't DO that--and now you have to be punished to unlearn that behavior!" scenarios.

My kid doesn't have a lot of rules or limits, but he also doesn't have the whole WORLD either. That makes a big difference. He can largely do what he pleases in HIS world, because as mindful parents we have tried to set him up for success.

He'll be 3 in a few months and he's started getting "bigger" more mature lately. So we've added some things and flexed on some things. He can hold my shirt as we cross the road now--he is pleased to have this added choice/responsibility (and he understands more about the danger/safety thing), so he is happy to do it. Really happy--not a compliant, not worth it to argue about it, resentful in a way he doesn't understand yet way.

Gotta run...needing to be a mom....

[Peppermint]

Monkey's mom

I love your analogy with the dog, and thanks to people like the Pearls, I normally hate dog-child comparisons. :LOL

We had such a wonderful dog obedience class instructor, she was just like what you described, she said you should never hit a dog, EVER, she said that you should never call the dog over to you and then yell at them (ie- dog is barking or jumping on someone across the yard from you and you yell the dog's name and the dog comes and you hit it for what it did or yell at the dog) b/c all that teaches the dog is to not come when called.

I learned a lot about parenting from that woman. (and have always wondered if she was an APer with her kids)

I too, babyproof a lot for the reasons you mentioned, I like to create a "yes" environment, I know there are both sides of that issue on these forums, some believe like you and I, some believe in a more Continuum Concept way of doing things. Not sure really who is "right" on that, but I like things my way as it helps me not to hover over my kids so much.

I think the main idea is to try/strive to place less limits on our kids, and to question our own reasoning for the ones we do impose, seems healthy to me .