dealing with a suicide

[pie]

My dh's best friend of over seventeen years recently threw himself into the path of a speeding train. My emotions are everywhere. I am planning so much of the service, staying with his wife, trying to ease my husband's suffering, he has two kids and a stepdaughter and he had everything and he could not see it.

I keep getting cranky, I have my hands SO full and I feel like I am not being supportive enough to dh. I love him so much, but for example, it is five in the morning and I am up making the CDs for the memorial. So much, I cannot begin. and I am really tired and now dh has to read the eulogy and I don't know if he can do it, he broke down just giving the toast to me at our wedding. What he wrote is so good though.

I am just so sad. SO sad.

phew, didya make any sense of that?

[glh]

Mamapie, At the service I attended on Tuesday, the family was too distraught to read a eulogy, so several family members wrote what they wanted to say and the minister read their words for them. It was one of the saddest services I have ever attended. My heart just broke for the children (the two year old didn't attend). I think my friend, the sister, was in your situation, trying to hold it all together for everyone. She is a strong person, but everyone needs help and support when dealing with this.

[mamaduck]

Oh Mamapie! Poor thing. My prayers are with you. Be sure you allow yourself to process through your own feelings too -- It is wondeful that you are taking time to care for everyone, but save a little bit of reserve for yourself if you can. You deserve it.

I think it is okay if your dh cries through the reading. That is what funerals are for, I think. Mourning.

[Els' 3 Ones]

(((((mamapie)))))

You are a rock. Such a strong, giving woman. The extreme grief is normal .................it's OK to break down right now. Express it, let it fly. It's OK if dh does it while speaking also. Grief is expected at funerals.

You have done soooooo much this week, when it is over please take time for yourself and, most of all, huddle your little family together and take some time with them. Pull away for a couple of days from her so you can feel your feelings without her grief in your space. When this is over, YOU will need to collapse.

My thoughts have been with you everyday and you know you have many people to fall back on.

Did you get my email?

[Britt]

Mamapie, that sounds so rough. I'll be thinking about you....

[lisamarie]

Mamapie~

I can completely understand where you are coming from. As I pm'd you earlier, my 1st dh died by suicide as well. My ds was 3 yo at the time.

For me dealing with the aftermath immediately after it happened, I was numb and in shock. I was on medication for PTSD because I was the one that found him at our home. Luckily, we had such dear friends (such as yourself), to get us through it. I know how draining it was on them too. They wanted so much to take care of myself and Dane, but I know they were exhausted and overwhelmed. I thank God everyday for my friends, because they took such good care of us during that time and didn't leave us behind.

The range of emotions will continue, IMHO, like a rollercoaster ride. Anger, disbelief, deep and utter sadness and grief and somewhere down the road.....acceptance. As I mentioned, suicide is such a difficult loss to endure and to accept.

The letters that myself and his family member wrote, were read by the minister, but Rob's friends did get up and speak. The funeral was such an unreal experience.

My heart goes out to you, your dh and your friends family. There are some wonderful family grief and loss services out there that can be of help. Mothering also had an article about a year ago about children and grief that might also be helpful.

You are not alone~we are here and sending you healing.

Much Love~

Lisa

[ladylee]

It makes complete sense, Mamapie. I've lost people this way as well, and felt all of these things. Just be.

[pie]

The issue is so complex. He did something pretty bad before he died that makes mourning him so much more confusing and so hard to mourn appropriately as far as music and words and such.

I also feel like half the time I am crying, nothing is happening inside, like I can't feel it. But yet I just sob and sob. My stomach is upset nonstop.

My friend was muredered five years ago and it was nothing compared to this.

Ugh I could go on all day. I just feel bad, I never really was understanding of him and his alcoholism in life, and worse, I never once reached out and really said, ****, you drink to much, and it is going to do you in.

What ifs will kill you.

[glh]

Mamapie, please don't blame yourself. Telling him to stop drinking would not have made him stop-they have to want to stop-words don't seem to have any effect.

[ladylee]

Is it hard for you to feel angry at him, Mamapie? I know that was hard for me. But of course it's totally valid to feel it.

[pie]

um, well, what he did the day before he did this makes it less hard to be angry, and it makes it an effort to forgive him. His wife is in the darkest place she could possibly be, and she is such a good and loving and supportive woman. I love her so.

I don't know, I am not that angry, just tired. I am so confused.

I know not to blame myself, but it is so hard not to regret.

I will never doubt that someone genuinely needs my help ever again.

[NewMa]

((((((((mamapie)))))))

I am so sorry to hear you hurting like this . I have a huge amount of empathy for this situation. I have dealt with the loss of my partner and the loss of my best friend within the past 2 years. I have also dealt with a ton of anger towards both of them because of the way they died. It can be so confusing. There is just so much at once. I don't know if guilt serves any purpose in all this. It's so natural to have all the what-ifs, but at the same time I don't know that they do anyone any good.

You are a strong, strong woman. Let your enormous heart guide you through all this crap even as it feels as though it will break. I will be keeping you and your dear ones in my thoughts.

[merpk]

Don't second-guess what you might/would/could have done. And don't beat up on yourself. You need the strength for other things.

And don't discount the power of tears, even if you feel like it's not doing anything. They wash your soul ...



- Amy

[Ms. Mom]

Mamapie, my father was an alcoholic. About 10 yrs. ago he was fired from his 30 yr. teaching job and almost died from liver failer. Somehow, he servived, he got help and became dry.

But, his deemons never stoped. They keept at him and eventually, he started drinking cough syrup (2-3 bottles at a time) as a way to sooth himself. Robotussin has a LSD like effect in high doses, he began 'seeing God' and spreading his 'message'. Let's just say it wasn't the message I learned in Sunday school.

Eventually, he just became so sad. His deamons keept at him and he was no longer able to fight them. He drank 6 bottles of Robotussin and slipped into a coma. His heart stopped, he went into cardiac arrest and 3 days later was finally pronounced dead.

It was the coldest time I can ever remember. I knew it was comming for months. My sister was actually angry with me because I told her he was going to do it.

I felt guilty for a long time. Ds was so angry with him, but I was just numb and dead inside. One night I took ds outside and we yelled at Grandpa Jim. Ds told him he was mad because he wanted to see him at Christmas, that he didn't want to live and that he made his mother cry so much. That's when my anger hit me. I must have yelled for 20 miniuts at the sky that night.

What ever your feeling is appropriate right now. Nobody can tell you how to feel, listen to your body and spirit - they'll guide you through this greif. Even if you need to feel a little guilt - explore it, feel it, then move through it.

You've been in my thoughts, please know we're still here for you. So many emotions will be creeping up on you over the comming year. You may have days that you don't think about it and others where you wonder if you can just make through.

Be gentle with yourself and know others care.