ARRRGGGH ! MIL cut my boys' hair !

[Shann]

I am SOOOO angry ! My MIL recently was watching my boys and while she had them she cut their hair ! Both of my boys had shoulder length hair (which my bf and I both love, and so did the boys) and we intended to keep it that way. But she took out the scissors and cut about 5 inches off my 8 y/o's hair and about 4 off the 6 y/o's ! Their hair is still covering their ears but it is MUCH shorter than we (or they) want it to be !!! They said they cried and screamed and told her to stop, but she did anyway ! Their hair looks AWFUL short, but I refuse to cut it anymore to "fix" it. At least its still a little longish. I was livid when I got back and told her so ! What should I do now ? How would you mamas approach this ? I feel she should be "punished" somehow for violating what SHE KNEW was against our wishes. BF thinks we should "ground her" from seeing the boys for awhile, and I tend to agree. But what does everyone else think ?? Help !

[green betty]

to you, Shann. I would have burst a vein!

Um... I think that this is one of those difficult time that gives you an opportunity to grow as a parent! What would you think of framing the issue as "putting your kids first" and switching to supervised visits only with your MIL until you feel like you're reached a new level of trust (IF that happens?) If you feel like you can, I would urge you to put yourself in your boys' shoes and imagine what it's like for them to see you react to this. "Punishing" grandma doesn't do any good for anyone in the long run, and teaches them that punishing a loved one is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Your boys deserve to have a relationship with her and be able to form their own opinions--whether she deserves the same or not. And on the other hand, I think it would do them a lot of good to see that you'll stand up for them (by refusing to leave them alone together and pursuing a discussion with her) and not allow her to violate their bodies like she did!

Just my .02. Oh, and I'd eat some very good chocolate too.

[Shann]

Thanks for the idea ! I will consider that and also would like to hear more opinions. Thanks alot ! And yes, I almost did pop a vein ! Still feel like I might !

[wednesday]

OMG!!!! I would be so livid!!!!

I agree that "punishing" isn't quite modeling the best way of dealing with conflict, but I think it would be very fair to tell her your trust has been violated and you can't allow unsupervised visits anymore. Also, your kids are old enough to say how they feel about it. Do they want to visit her again? I might leave it partially up to them, although I wouldn't frame it to your MIL as "they don't want to see you" if that happens to be the case.

[EFmom]

I'm all for "punishing" in this case. I'd avoid her for a few months and then only visit when I could be there. Maybe I have ramparts for boundaries, but this kind of thing strikes me as way out of line.

[2tadpoles]

This happened to my ex-husband's brother and his wife. My ex-MIL cut her grandson's hair while she was babysitting. He was about 2.5, I think. His parents were really, REALLY mad. They had wanted to grow a long lock of hair to snip off and put in the family Bible.

Anyway, I don't recall them grounding her from spending time with him, but she certainly knew how they felt and she wasn't asked to babysit for a long time after that.

Of course, the kids parents were also idiots for letting her babysit to begin with, since she was frequently buzzed/drunk. I do believe she'd had a few beers before getting out the scissors.

[Elphaba]

I think she needs to apologize to your boys and to you for such blatant disrespect.

[merpk]

What gets me most from the OP is the boys cried for her to stop, and she just kept on cutting.



A grandma is a grandma, & you don't get to pick&choose them, but would definitely "ground her." And then tell her after she's "out of time out" that she can't see the boys unsupervised anymore at all.

[Meiri]

She violated a trust. Would you send your sons to stay with or allow anyone else who had violated your, and their, trust to watch them? Of course not.

Why should she get a pass just for being their grandmother?

If someone cannot be trusted in small things, they most likely cannot be trusted with important. Hair is ultimately a small thing in that it grows back. Care and respect for the boys as human beings with their own wishes for their own bodies OTOH....

Seems to me she's failed on both levels.

[andreac]

Originally Posted by Elphaba

I think she needs to apologize to your boys and to you for such blatant disrespect.

ITA!!!

I also think that supervised visits are the way to go for a looooong time. That fact that she would just ignore their pleas for her to stop is the really frightening thing to me!

to your boys.

[lynsage]

i agree with the other posters that the most disturbing aspect of the whole incident was that she didn't stop when they wanted her to stop.

that's grounds for no more unsupervised visits, imo- not to punish her, but to keep your kids from being further traumatized by her disrespectful behavior toward them. i'd just tell her that refusing to accept a child's non-consent on something being done to their bodies sets very dangerous precedents, and nobody that violates your kids' boundaries gets to be around them without you there ever again.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Yep, I think that the original action was out of line (way out of line), but the fact that your sons asked her to stop and she didn't respect them raises more and larger flags for me. I would definitely explain that she is not allowed unsupervised visits until your sons and you are comfortable with it again. And I would also tell her that an apology to your children is expected as the first point on any contact. But, I would not break of contact completely because there is a special relationship there and that deserves to be respected too. What a nasty situation all the way around!

[Greaseball]

My MIL did this to my dd when she was 17 mos. She had nice shoulder-length hair with bangs, and MIL cut the bangs to about half and inch long and then cut off a bunch of the hair on one side, while leaving the back and other side untouched. It looked like dd did it herself while she was drunk or something.

Grandparents do not deserve the same rights as parents. (Of course, I believe a child's hair belongs to the child, but if the child is too young to care about looks then it's the parent's decision.) But your boys knew how they wanted to look - how sad. Getting to see the kids should be a privilege for the gp's, not something that is expected.

I would ground them from babysitting until they understand that what they did was wrong, and try to educate them on childs' rights.

But if you decided they should never be alone with them again, I'd understand that too! :

[eilonwy]

I'd explain to MIL why what they had done was unacceptable, that they wouldn't be left alone with my child until I knew they were old enough to defend themselves, and it'd be a long time before they saw the kids again. I agree that if they can't be trusted with small things, they certainly can't be trusted with big ones.

[kaimama]

I agree with the majority here, no unsupervised visits until you feel you can trust her again. I wonder if your boys will even want to be left alone with her after she did such an awful thing to them. *hugs*

[TiredX2]

Oh, Shann, I am soooo sorry. I've read posts before about your DS's hair and that is just horrible.

I would be most concerned w/my sons willingness to stand there and *let* her cut their hair off! First, I would have a long talk w/them about their bodily integrity and how they, and only they, have the rights to make those type of choices about their bodies (if that is how you feel). I can't believe your kids stood for it!

Then, I would have a looooong talk w/MIL how she has hurt and betrayed your entire family. She needs to make reperations to your sons (that can be between them, but I do think she owes them something to at least partially make up for the loss--- perhaps an item of clothing, hair get, etc... that makes them feel good about their appearance). In addition, she has made a strong statement about not accepting them for who they are, which is disturbing to me and them I assume.

This would also concern me about what other ideas she has, and what she would be willing to do (against your very obvious wishes) if you are not there.

Sorry once again. That is just sooo horrid.

[Shann]

Almost ALL of you have hit upon the thing that we find most frightening as well...the fact that she kept on when my boys were crying and asking her not to do it ! That REALLY scares me ! She is an intimidating lady to kids---even my bf admits that his mom always was intimidating to children---but guess what ? I'M NOT EASILY INTIMIDATED, and certainly not by her ! But the boys were intimidated and were afraid to do more than cry and ask her to stop. The cool thing is that my bf and I both have a united front on this against his mom, so things are great in that area. But the boys are now scared to go over there ! And NO child should have to be scared of their own grandmother !! She is DEFINITELY going to have to apologize to all of us (esp. the boys) and I also like the idea of her making reperations to them in some form. Beyond that, though, we both feel that there needs to be even more "punishment" ...we just haven't fully decided what yet. We are leaning toward some form of extended "grounding" from her seeing them for awhile followed by supervised visits for a LOOOONG while, but we haven't fully decided yet. The "grounding" from her seeing them won't hurt the boys right now anyway, since they DON'T WANT to see her ...they were very traumatized by the incident, as you may imagine ! Plus, they LOVED their long hair (so did we !). Yes, it will grow back, but it shouldn't have been cut in the first place ! (My youngest son barely even remembers having his hair cut EVER before) ! We have already expressed our red hot anger and she is, so far, unremorseful...saying that she "couldn't STAND their long hair one second more !" CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS LADY ?????? Keep the opinions coming...I am still in the deciding stage.

[Greaseball]

Well, you could hold her down and let the boys shave her head...

[Shann]

LOL @ Greaseball ! GREAT IDEA !

[oceanbaby]

What gets me most from the OP is the boys cried for her to stop, and she just kept on cutting.

Exactly. Cutting their hair against MY wishes is one thing (although that would also piss me off), but when they are begging her to stop? I would be livid!

What do your boys have to say about it? Are they angry with her?

I definitely wouldn't allow her to be around them unsupervised - not to punish her, but just because you obviously can't trust her! I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, but cutting their hair while they cry for her to stop sounds abusive to me.