ARRRGGGH ! MIL cut my boys' hair ! - Page 4

[Greaseball]

Yay! Maybe you could have some holiday cards printed up with their pictures on them, and they could say something like "The flower children and I wanted to wish you happy holidays!" And you could send them to everyone in the family, so your MIL would be embarrassed that other people saw them.

[Quickening]

thats perfect greaseball!!!!! perfect!!!!!!!!!!

[frand]

Am I the only one starting to get a feeling that these children are being used on both sides to express anger and displeasure at the other? I'm 43 and I will bet I'm at least 10 years older than most of you other posters but karmic-wise, revenge via deliberately making the boys' appearance more offensive doesn't seem like anyone's going to chill out or back off any time soon. I would say let her know trust was broken but don't bring your children into a revenge scenario. This is really an issue that goes very deep between the adults.

[Seasons]

I like your perspective, Frand. I think there's a great opportunity here to respect the boys' desire not to see their grandma (protecting them, enforcing their boundaries), but also not to attack her (to discuss with them how fun it would be to do the postcard -- but hurtful, too, and how in our family we try not to hurt others, etc., so we'll choose the higher path).

But it did seem like the OP, Shann , was just venting and revenge-fantasizing here, safely, without a real plan to strike back at her MIL. Maybe I misread.

[Greaseball]

As long as the children want to do whatever it is, I don't see a problem with it. They may have revenge fantasies of their own.

[frand]

I thought the revenge stuff was a joke too but when I read the most recent posts it seemed like it was moving into real plans, not fantasies. Did I misread this?

[BunnysMomma]

Deliberately antagonizing people to make a statement is an immature way to solve a problem. The high road is always the best course of action. I think that honestly and directly telling your bf's mother why you won't be bringing the kids around is a better way to resolve this issue and a better example for your children as to how to handle problems.

Wilma

[Shann]

*SIGH !* ONCE AGAIN, I have to come in here and defend and explain myself (this gets OLD !). NO ! We are NOT doing anything for revenge. Anything that is done will be ONLY with the boys' permission and within their wishes ! BE CALM, PEOPLE ! We are not "using" our boys ! (*SIGH* AGAIN !)

[mamawanabe]

Originally Posted by Shann

*SIGH !* ONCE AGAIN, I have to come in here and defend and explain myself (this gets OLD !). NO ! We are NOT doing anything for revenge. Anything that is done will be ONLY with the boys' permission and within their wishes ! BE CALM, PEOPLE ! We are not "using" our boys ! (*SIGH* AGAIN !)

Hey, sorry you feel attacked. It is your MIL who is in the wrong - everyone agrees with that. There is some disagreement with the best way to respond (though following your boys desire to limit/stop contact is agreed upon).

I agree with the posters who beleive that the picture is prob not the best way to react (fun to joke about though ). I think their reasons are solid - you don't want to teach your boys that it is good to punish people who wrong us, and that is what the picture would be doing.

I'm a fan of your Shann but I do agree that the high road is the best one to model for your sons in this case, especially when it comes to people you actaully know and who love you (misguided and wrongheaded the paths this love takes notwhithstanding).

Good luck

[reilly's momma]

As someone who has read the whole thread, posted a serious response & a tongue in cheek one, I have to side with Shann. It seems that if any goofy measues are going to be taken, they will be done for two reasons, 1 Giving these boys a measure of control/choice back that thier grandmother took from them and 2 stress relief. And, from reading Shann's posts it seems quite obvious that she is allowing her sons to decide how they want to handle the situation, not using them in a revenge plot.

[andi_3k]

I've read the entire thread too. From what I have read I have to agree with Shann it certainly sounds like the boys are "into' this.
I know that if something like thishad happened to me at their ages I would be into getting G-ma angry.
What worries me is that she could use the picture against you all....CPS might not be so cool with the idea. becareful, you don't want to hand her tools to hurt all of you more.
OTH, I'd love to see that picture.
Hugs to you, the boys and your BF.

[DaryLLL]

Since when does CPS get people for playing dressup, for goodness sakes? Can CPS get you for "raising your sons as girls," if that is the fear? Simple, let them not be playing dressup when CPS comes knocking.

Can't a person make a goofy card if a person wants to? Let's not be too paranoid.

This granma needs to know she is not in control of how her son wants to raise his dcs. And that some kids are allowed to wear their hair the length they want as a sign of autonomy and bodily integrity. What a concept. What is this, 1968?

This is probably the same person who would want you to let a baby CIO, to make it more independent. How ironic. Let a 3 mo be independent, but a 6 and 8 year old need to do their hair the way YOU want.

[BunnysMomma]

Originally Posted by Shann

Anything that is done will be ONLY with the boys' permission and within their wishes !

Just because you are doing it with your sons' permission and it's what they want to do doesn't mean it's the right course of action. Children often want to do inappropriate things, and it's up to parents to model pro-social behavior. I really have some genuine questions about the values you seem to be trying to instill in your sons, Shann, and I fear that they may backfire on you one day.

Wilma

[reilly's momma]

Wow, that's a pretty harsh assessment. I just don't get what is so upsetting about playing dressup & taking a picture, and considering sending it to grandma. Yes, it is a bit spiteful, but it is also giving these boys a way to tell their grandma that they are going to dress the way they want, that they have the right to make their own choices about their bodies. Does anyone have a better suggestion as to how to send this message to the grandma that will actually get her to listen? From what Shann has posted, it's pretty clear that a letter or phone call will have zero effect. If anyone has better ideas, please post them, but I do think questioning a person's entire value system/parenting based upon one situation in which she is trying to use levity instead of anger is way over the top.

Besides the fact that by the time they end up posing for the picture & getting a copy made, they may or may not end up sending it to grandma, but in the meantime have a fun, stress relieving day of dress-up.

[HelloKitty]

ITA with everything mamawanabe said in her post. No attack meant to you OP Momma - just an opinion on what you should do, that's all.

[mammaguess]

My thoughts on the OP and the subsequent follow-up posts are simple.

Your bf's mom does not respect you, your bf or the way you have chosen to raise your children.

Having read more than one of your post's I would venture to say that you are certian what you are doing is right for your family. And in that case I would minimize contact to polite "how's the weather and your goiter doing" (not that she has a goiter, its an example) When you and your bf choose to be at an event that she is at (ie family gatherings or whatever).

I would not bother trying to reason or discuss this with her. She feels every bit as strongly about her point of view as you do.

I would not have her watch your children. Do you vaccinate? What if she decides they need to be vaccinated? Don't get overtly involved in that example -->the point I am making is larger. You are the parent. If she doesn't like your parenting decisions that is her right. But it isn't her right to override them unless you are abusing them (not that you are. Everyone please read carefully here.... I am simply covering the only reason a grandparent should override a parent's decision)

I would let go of any and all revenge plans. Revenge usually backfires and sometimes even talking about it can eat a person up. I would take a moment of my own life if I were in this situation and mourn for the relationship I just lost.

Because this would break it for me. And not because of the hair. Because she doesn't respect you. That will spill out again eventually.

Good luck.

[BunnysMomma]

Originally Posted by reilly's momma

but I do think questioning a person's entire value system/parenting based upon one situation in which she is trying to use levity instead of anger is way over the top.

I'm assuming you meant this for me. I did not mean to come across as harsh, and I apologize if I did. But based on not just this thread but previous ones as well, I do feel that the OP encourages her children to act in antagonistic, aggressive, and insensitive ways, and I don't agree with that. I do believe parents have a responsibility to model socially desirable behavior, and I don't think it's healthy for kids to be enouraged to act out their feelings in spiteful, mean-spirited, and self-centered ways (even if, as some people have posited, it's "all in good fun").

Wilma

[Greaseball]

Children often want to do inappropriate things, and it's up to parents to model pro-social behavior.

If any of our MILs had forcibly cut our hair, how would we react?

[BunnysMomma]

I'm not saying the woman who cut the hair was in the right. I'm merely saying that taking the high road in response to being insulted, slighted, or disrespected is always the better way. The OP has decided that the boys won't be seeing her bf's mother anymore. That and a simple explanation to the woman are all that are required, in my opinion. If the OP is never going to be able to reach a common ground with the woman, what is the point in perpetuating the issue?

Wilma

[Greaseball]

So if it had happened to you, what would the high road look like?

I wouldn't be happy to just walk away if it had been done to me.