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ARRRGGGH ! MIL cut my boys' hair ! - Page 5

post #81 of 161
I already explained what the high road would look like. It would be a simple explanation as to why the children wouldn't be coming around anymore. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't be seething inside, but I hope that I would have the grace to put a bad situation to rest instead of continuing to stir the pot. The damage (to the hair and the relationship) is already done, and meeting disrespect with more disrespect is damaging to everyone, plain and simple. Our relationships with others should never be based on who "wins," because relationships based on that type of competition have little, if any, room for understanding and compassion. (And I don't mean capitulation, I mean an understanding of the situation as it is and compassion for the other person regardless of their perceived faults).

Wilma
post #82 of 161
But what if it had been done to you and not your children? If my MIL or anyone else held me down and cut off my hair while I screamed, just telling her "I won't be coming by anymore" would not do it for me.
post #83 of 161
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post #84 of 161
Greaseball, I guess it depends on what you're trying to get out of life. I'm trying to get peace, harmony, and joy, so letting a bad situation rest works for me. I may stew in my anger for a bit, but it will be a far smaller amount of time than if I deliberately attempt to make the situation worse.

Wilma
post #85 of 161
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greaseball
But what if it had been done to you and not your children? If my MIL or anyone else held me down and cut off my hair while I screamed, just telling her "I won't be coming by anymore" would not do it for me.
I think for something like that you could file assault charges.

I'm afraid I have to agree with bunnysmomma that the scenario of doing something for revenge or spite or punishment or "to teach a lesson" or whatever just doesn't strike me as a good way to model how adults handle conflict. Even though I agree that this MIL sounds toxic and like she should be avoided.
post #86 of 161
Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnysMomma
I'm assuming you meant this for me. I did not mean to come across as harsh, and I apologize if I did. But based on not just this thread but previous ones as well, I do feel that the OP encourages her children to act in antagonistic, aggressive, and insensitive ways, and I don't agree with that. I do believe parents have a responsibility to model socially desirable behavior, and I don't think it's healthy for kids to be enouraged to act out their feelings in spiteful, mean-spirited, and self-centered ways (even if, as some people have posited, it's "all in good fun").

Wilma

I have a very differnt interpretation of the earlier threads you mention. So just for the record, I do NOT feel that the OP encourages her children to act in antagonistic, aggressive, and insensitive ways.

post #87 of 161
Shann---

How are your DS's doing? to them both!

Kay
post #88 of 161
Hey I know - how about long flowing wigs?
post #89 of 161
Thread Starter 
Thanks for asking, Tired ! The boys still occasionally talk about what was done to them, and they desperately want their hair back. As I have said before, they LOVED their long hair, and the 6 y/o didn't even really remember a haircut before, so this was especially something that bothered and confused him. They are ADAMANT that they don't want to see grandma again...EVER ... and refer to her as "that old woman " (THEIR choice to call her that, not ours, by the way. They also both occasionally put some extra, more colorful, words in there as well, none of which are our ideas to get them to say, but also none of which we object to being used). I find it interesting in here when so many people complain about the "dirty hippie girls" plan that they seem to believe that somehow we are forcing this on the boys and "using" them, when that could NOT be farther from the truth ! The boys are wanting to do this themselves. Granted, we will not stop them or object to it, but we are letting THEM direct the way it goes and the degree, so I really wish people would stop with the "that is so wrong to make your kids feel that way " routine ! Besides, as one poster said, what is wrong with allowing the boys to dress up that way for awhile anyway? We don't have a problem with them being in dresses, skirts, makeup, or fingernail polish and never have. They have done this on occasion at home for fun from time to time in the past, so it's not at all like this is any major departure anyway.
post #90 of 161
I know it seems the OP's decision is made and that's fine - it is totally yours to make of course! I just wanted to comment that I don't think walking away and saying that she is not allowed to see her grandchildren anymore comes even close to "doing nothing". I would imagine it will be quite painful for her not to see them anymore. Even though she is an old hateful hag
post #91 of 161
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greaseball
But what if it had been done to you and not your children? If my MIL or anyone else held me down and cut off my hair while I screamed, just telling her "I won't be coming by anymore" would not do it for me.

If she'd done it to you, you could have filed battery charges - same with the children. That's an option that Shann could have explored if she wanted to show her boys that there were legal consequences to their grandmother's actions.

Otherwise, limiting contact (or cutting off completely) with a simple explanation seems the way to go. Why antagonize her? Taking pictures of her children dressed up like girls and sending them to the grandmother is like the equivalent of running around the playground, sticking out your tongue, yelling, "Nanny nanny boo boo!" Probably pretty satisfying on one level, but not the best example of how to address situations.

What she did was a huge violation of their trust and their bodily integrity and there should be consequences. Natural consequences (like we all advocate on this board) would be that her grandchildren don't want to see her anymore, not that her grandchildren and their parents take every opportunity to rub her nose in it.

Doing dress up is a great idea for the kids if they want to do it - probably very cathartic to let them know that it's okay to go around "looking like a girl" in the eyes of the world if they want to. But why this need for revenge? I just don't get why that's a behavior that anyone wants to encourage in their children.
post #92 of 161
Shann you are making broad dismissive generalizations against everyone who disagreed with you. I have NO problem with long hair or dresses or nail polish on boys. I do have a problem with two wrongs don't make a right and the bad karma of taking pleasure in revenge. The point of revenge is to hurt and this somehow makes you feel better, correct?

Plus I was giving a lot of thought to these boards -- no one here, not your fans nor detractors, has anything personally at stake in your family. Only you,your boyfriend and your children do. I think it's very dangerous to let strangers egg you on and use their support to do something mean within your family. I'm old compared to many of you and I have seen complete unexpected changes occur in people in their lives. Life is about possibilities and surprises. Your boyfriend's mother is forever going to be his mother, and your sons' grandmother, and while she is maddening now, she could still potentially mean something to even you someday. She could have huge regrets about what she did one day. I think the danger of these boards is when you let strangers cheer you on into behavior that actually will be hurtful toward someone.

When I talked about 'using' I meant it both ways. Your boyfriend's mother used them to get at you. And you were definitely enjoying the thought of using them to get back at her. Just because your sons are happy to do it means they are caught up in the anger and hurt of moment too, it does not mean they have chosen the right path.

Far better to go on living your lives the way that is right for you but NOT giving so much time and energy toward hurting anyone.
post #93 of 161
Shann, I'm sorry this happened to you and your boys.

You asked for opinions about how to handle this. Some have given you suggestions that obviously appeal to you and the boys. Others' suggestions won't appeal to you, but I think they are legitimate contributions to the thread.

I have to agree with frand and bunnysmama that, for me personally at least, revenge etc is just not the way I choose to deal with such things. I'm not sure much will be gained and wonder at the lessons being taught here. I think this alternate POV deserves a say in this thread, so I'm adding my vote.

But this is just my personal opinion, and whatever course of action you choose I hope it helps you and the boys get past the trauma of what has transpired.
post #94 of 161
Quote:
Originally Posted by frand
Shann you are making broad dismissive generalizations against everyone who disagreed with you. I have NO problem with long hair or dresses or nail polish on boys. I do have a problem with two wrongs don't make a right and the bad karma of taking pleasure in revenge. The point of revenge is to hurt and this somehow makes you feel better, correct?

Plus I was giving a lot of thought to these boards -- no one here, not your fans nor detractors, has anything personally at stake in your family. Only you,your boyfriend and your children do. I think it's very dangerous to let strangers egg you on and use their support to do something mean within your family. I'm old compared to many of you and I have seen complete unexpected changes occur in people in their lives. Life is about possibilities and surprises. Your boyfriend's mother is forever going to be his mother, and your sons' grandmother, and while she is maddening now, she could still potentially mean something to even you someday. She could have huge regrets about what she did one day. I think the danger of these boards is when you let strangers cheer you on into behavior that actually will be hurtful toward someone.

When I talked about 'using' I meant it both ways. Your boyfriend's mother used them to get at you. And you were definitely enjoying the thought of using them to get back at her. Just because your sons are happy to do it means they are caught up in the anger and hurt of moment too, it does not mean they have chosen the right path.

Far better to go on living your lives the way that is right for you but NOT giving so much time and energy toward hurting anyone.

What frand said.
post #95 of 161
Quote:
Originally Posted by merpk
What gets me most from the OP is the boys cried for her to stop, and she just kept on cutting.

This is the part that gets me too. How are yor boys with grandma? Are they upset and/or nervous around her? I'm sure it was a huge blow to their trusting her.

Now that I've read the thread, I thought it was only the ONE page , I have to agree with frand, piglet, and the others. I think the fantasy revenge ideas are kinda fun but not the way to handle the situation. But it is your fmaily and you decision. I hope whatever you choose gives you the satisfaction and justice you are seeking.

I don't know what I would have done in the situation. I probably would have left without speaking, cried, then raised hell, and limited contact. I'm only an antagonist in my mind.

Question for you.... If you do do what you have talked about...the picture and such... what do you think her next move will be? Do you think she is just going to drop it?

BTW...are you doing the pic thing? I didnt quite get that part... or what are you doing?
post #96 of 161
Maybe you could just post the pic here! :LOL
post #97 of 161
I haven't read all the posts here, just the first from the OP and this last page. I get the idea that there have been some suggestions about sending a photo of the boys dressed up as girls to the grandmother to sort of rub it in her face. Whether or not you think this will make you or your boys feel better, it could be dangerous. If you send this picture and cut off contact with grandma, which is what I would do with an explanation, she has documentation of your "questionable" parenting. She could try to use those pictures to present you as an unfit parent and try to take those kids from you. Just something to think about.
post #98 of 161
Quote:
Originally Posted by its_our_family
I'm only an antagonist in my mind.

:LOL

me too!
post #99 of 161
shann,

My own guess is that everyone will cool their jets during the next couple months and then it will be time for the holidays.
question: will cutting off your mil knock out aunts/uncles and cousins?
Or is that a non issue?

One of my best friends keeps her own parents in the loop way more than she ever wanted because she wants ds to have relationships with his aunts and cousins and it would get too frayed if she dumped her parents including her sometimes awful father.
post #100 of 161
Thread Starter 
MIL called our house last night and I answered. She insisted on talking to the boys and I decided to let them handle the situation as they saw fit. My youngest (age 6) talked to her first, and I could see him getting madder and madder as the conversation went on. Suddenly he just shouted into the phone "F*ck you , b*tch !" and handed the phone to his brother. Then the 8 y/o talked to her and eventually said the same thing and alot more to her, and hung up on her ! Before any of you even suggest it, NO they weren't coached to say that. But NO they also weren't scolded or told it was wrong either. To be honest, I was very glad they did it, but I didn't say anything one way or the other except to say to them that I was glad they decided to handle it in their own way. Now, if they want to drop the whole thing, they can, but from what they both said later, I think they are even more determined now to do the "dirty hippy girl" picture thing. But again, I will let them decide !
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