fear of loneliness, death etc. LONG and winded

[moon_goddess]

hello mama's
i wanted to share some feelings with everyone that i have had my entire life.

i have a huge problem. when i was 13 my mom died of cancer. my sister and i had to live with my *jerk dad* (parents were divorced and he didnt even come around when my mom was in the hospital. instead we moved from house to house with friends of the family and relatives.) then at 22 *i was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. had a thyroidectomy and radiation. i was married then and my ex-h didnt support me at all. he was really cold to me,distant. about 3 months after my radiation he flipped out on me threatening me with a knife, throwing stuff at me (a tall oscillating fan...) and locking me in my own house (police came and arrested him) i left and divorced him no questions asked!!! (WOOHOO FREE)

i still have nightmares about him coming after me, trying to find me and kill me.

i moved out to colorado to be with my dh and now have a beautiful ds who lights me up. (they both do actually )

my problem is this...i have huge anxiety and panic attacks. i am a bit bi-polar. my fears are many but mostly have to do with death, dying and loneliness. i get in these modes where all i think about is...OMG i am going to die and i will say to my dh "i dont want to die" sobbing the entire time. i don't believe in god. i believe in mother earth. i am agnostic - pagan. i am having trouble finding where i fit in. i just dont know what to do about it. i am on zoloft..which seems to curb the panic attacks and the mood swings. but these thoughts are painful. i am scared of being alone i hate being away from my dh. i just dont know how to deal with these feelings.

please help. even just hearing other peoples stories about the same fears may help me. i dont want to go to counseling (been there done that) i just need someone with like feelings to say they have been there and it gets better. that i will find a way.

thanks for listening to me...
live well all!!

[alaskan mom]

You are a surviver.

It takes a lot of courage to say what you just did. My sister is a surviver also, she was raped at the age of 12 by a man that had been scoping her out for awhile. To this day she is afraid to be in her house alone. I have been called over to her house all my life, at different times of the night to stay with her. I always go, I know this fear is real. The good thing is that it does get better. She has learned throughout the years to be more assurtive and not give into her very real fear. I can't say as I understand about the fear of death and dying, because I believe in reincarnation, but I know this can be very scary for some people. As for being alone, I do fear that, If my husband ever died I don't know what I would do. You take care, you are one of natures children!

Mother of faith 9-29-03

[wonderfulmom]

It doesn't surprise me that you worry about "death, dying, and loneliness"- those things have caused you a lot of pain. As a part of your Mother Earth beliefs, do you think about how we are part of nature and we don't have complete control over the cycle of birth, living, and death? Did you ever consider writing a book/letter for your child about death (thinking partly about your own) that would tell him whatever things you would want him to know? (Things like love is forever, it's ok to cry- it's ok to have fun, etc. - all the things you'd want him to understand.)

Did you ever write a letter directed to your mom about your feelings for her & about her illness? How did your child's birth affect your thoughts of your mother and your feelings of panic?

If you like to read, it might be helpful to pick up a few library books (adult and children's) on death. I think you are right in thinking other people's stories might reveal some answers and provide some comfort.

Are you always scared when you're alone- like every minute?
Is your dh kind with you about this?
((hugs))

[moon_goddess]

to answer your questions
my dh is awesome!!! he is a kind and gentle person.
i have written a few letters to my mom after her death to try to relieve some fear.
my dh is a writer and he has thought about writing some *real life* books for our son. i should talk more about it with him.
my sons birth was fast and actually wonderful. i had no problems really and it was 100% natural.
i am not scared every minute when i am alone. but the anxiousness is there. i worry all the time. i remember my mom calling me her "worry wart". lol

thanks for your responses. it is a horrible feeling and it is really hard to share these thoughts (it is hard to take the feeling and write it out)

[DarkHorseMama]

Hugs, mama. I don't tend to frequent this forum, but I was drawn to your post. I never really looked my mortality in the eye (so to speak) until I became a mother. Worries that I never knew I could have. Worrying about worrying! Motherhood is such a bittersweet time for me and I often find myself reeling between the joy of my children's lives and the concern over my own death. For myself, I tried (try) to focus on the fleeting beauty of my children's "smallness" and the unconditional love that flows between and around us.

I have no magic words of comfort for you. But I can offer my hand and let you know that you're not alone in your fears.