Dealing with anti-homebirth family......

[CortLong]

Anyone have any good ideas on dealing with anti-homebirth family members? Particularly my parents. MIL and FIL aren't all for it, but they're not going to get into our business. My mom and dad will though.

[MonikitaUT]

You probably won't like this idea, but it is what I have to do with my parents. Don't tell them, or wait until after the birth to tell them.

I made that decision because I didn't want a lot of fear or negative energy directed towards me, my baby, or my birth. I only want loving vibes, thank you very much!

Good luck with your decision either way.

[jessitron]

There are lots of threads about this topic. Read back a page or two and you'll find some.

It is sad that the biggest problem home birthers face is dealing with family members. It really shows how much public education we need on the home birth option.

I'm lucky - all my family is either on board or smart enough to keep quiet about it. My aunt (a nurse) was the only one who freaked out. As soon as I started telling her why we wanted home birth, and she learned that I had researched this and found that it is safe, she felt much better.

For parents, who are more emotionally involved, it may be really hard. Do they live nearby?

[CortLong]

Originally Posted by jessitron

Do they live nearby?

They live 5 minutes away.

[girlfromthefuture]

I'm currently in a similar situation. We're planning another homebirth (due 1/05). Sometimes what people DON'T say is more difficult to deal with than what they actually do say.

I've been very selective about who I tell what to. I just find that I'm emotionally very sensitive and need to protect myself from negativity. With our last homebirth, I just told people that they had to accept our decision, not agree with it. End of discussion. I let them know in a friendly way that it wasn't open for debate. They could birth their children in the way that felt comfortable for them. (This was usually after exhaustive attempts to explain homebirth to someone who's already decided it's not safe - and who didn't want any education about it....)

This is always such a tough issue. Even though we SAY we don't care what others think, it's totally human to want others to agree with and applaud us for our decisions. And just to support us. I find it baffling that at such a sensitive time for us (pregnant-delivering) that people would try to scare us into making THEIR decisions. I just keep telling my husband that the fears are theirs, not ours. And that rarely can a sound decision be made from a place of fear.

Compounding the negativity for me, this time, is that our daughter died during birth, and very few will accept that this would have happened no matter where we were. Most have forgotten what the medical examiners, ER, midwives reports have concluded. They just blame the fact we were at home.

We credit being at home with working through our grief. And knowing how awesome it was to have our daughter born so peacefully and lovingly, surrounded by such awesome energy - in her own home. I wish everyone could be born and die in their home surrounded by so much love.

Sorry to go on about myself...others thoughts on this birth has been a really hot issue for me this week.

Best to you and your family. Hoping you get all the love and support you want and need!

Warmly,
Mary

[Elyssia]

if you are really emotionally bound w/ your mom and dad
and they are that close
maybe y ou can ask your midwife if she would let them come to a prenatal or have a consultation w/ them
i think it often only takes naysayers meeting a midwife and seeing how professional, experienced and knowledgeable she is to feel a lot better
and it's a lot easier to take in than reading a whole book or looking at statistics or abstracts

if you aren't that affected by what they think, screw 'em
it's your birth and your baby and your body

[MonikitaUT]

to you Mary! I'm sending peaceful and positive vibes to you for a wonderful pregnancy and birth, and the strength to tune out the naysayers when they start piping up. Thank you for sharing your experience!

[interbang]

My mil and mom both live about 10 minutes away, and they REALLY want to be a part of the whole birth and newborn thing, except..

Neither is comfortable or happy with homebirth, family bed, breastfeeding on demand, or pretty much anything with the AP stamp of approval.

I have to talk to someone (usually DH) after every conversation with them just to calm down.

My doula tells me to smile at them, say "Thank you," and then keep my mouth shut. I've tried that, but they're like pit bulls. They just don't give up.

My advice to you: First off, tell yourself 20 times a day (at least), "I am the only mother of this baby."

Also, set severe limits. And don't be sorry. Recognize that no matter how much you piss off these people, they won't ignore your new kid just because you wouldn't let them attend the birth or see the kid when it was one minute old.

Also, don't feel like it's your job to educate anyone about homebirth. You're pregnant. You've got better things to do. You're also sensitive enough to tell the difference between a open, honest question and a fear-based "question" that's really a value judgement. I had to hang up on a family friend who was practically my second mommy growing up, because she was so upset about the homebirth, and we're still effectively not speaking.

Something I did with my mom that worked for me:

She was angry, crying, screaming when I told her she couldn't come to the homebirth. Now, the reason why she's not invited is because she's been anti-homebirth from the start, and even though she says she "supports" me, she still can't get comfortable with the whole thing.

Her latest question: "How do you maintain a sterile field in a house with all those cats?"

So instead of reminding her about all the grief she's been giving me these last few months, I told her:

"Your relationship with this child is incredibly important to me. I want you to bond with this kid as early and often as possible. This kid will be blessed to have you in his/her life. I will make sure that you see the kid as early as possible, most likely when the kid is 3-4 days old. I promise that you will be the first person to visit the kid, before anyone else."

Amazingly this calmed her down. She just wanted to feel important, valued. The big side effect of her being anti-homebirth is that she hasn't been able to contribute anything worthwhile to this whole process, and in general, people close to you want to do that. So now I've given her something to look forward to, and she's calming down a bit.

As for MIL, I gave her the same speech. I told her she would meet the kid when he/she is 5-6 days old. She was incredibly unhappy about it, but that's mostly because she has travel plans which could get in the way, depending on when the kid arrives. Also, although she doesn't want to attend the birth, she did assume she'd get to meet the kid when he/she is less than a day old. Like your MIL, she pretty much said, "well it's your baby, whatever."

So I guess my advice is this: Find out what your mom and MIL want, and within reason, try to give it to them. Remember that they think they are coming from a positive place, they think they are helping you. Try to honor that by figuring out a way to help them. You may not get to win the homebirth argument, but heck, you're having one anyway, you already won. Better to make peace than wage a silly war..

Let me know if this helps. I've been where you are, and I know it's not easy.

[MyCalling]

I guess I'm just a b**** because I told everyone and anyone who said anything negative got an earfull. The first time mostly I heard "you have no idea what you're in for." "Isn't it nice to be young and naive?" "The first contraction you'll be running to the hospital." and.."I'll believe you after you do it."

So, I did it. Not only did I do it, but I had dificult pushing stage because my son was born with his elbow up next to his head fitting through the birth canal. Afterwards I still wanted 7 more children! Then of course, I heard "you just birth easy." After my second HB which solidified the fact that I am just nuts, I hear "you birth easy" all the time. It drives me nuts. I'm sure those epidurals are so rough, right? : Those women know real pain.

[RosieTook]

I have also dealt with some of the negativity from family...my mother is coming to the birth because I want her there, and I think she has finally come to grips with the fact that this is MY body, MY baby,and MY decision. And she knows I am not a complete idiot. MIL is not coming to the birth of her own decision because there is no waiting room in my house!!

One thing that helped alot with my mom was to come to an appt with my midwife, and to ask her own questions and see the level of care that I was recieving...it really helped to calm her fears, and I know she'll be okay.

My cousin is also coming, she's had 2 C-sections, but she is very open minded and trusts me, and she just wants to be here cause she is my best friend...she said she would never be comfortable having a baby at home, C-sec or not, but she has the "You go girl!" attitude about mine!

So try to involve them if you can, and if they want, but make sure to set limits and let them know that this is up to YOU...not them, they have already made their decisions...now it's your turn.