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Hubby left out...

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
Well...my computer just went out and I lost my entire post....

It was probably for the best...it was pretty long...

So this will be the condensed version....

Last night Dh comment that his opinion doesn't matter....
when I pressed him for what he meant by that...he said that since day one...I haven't cared about his opinion or asked for his opinion on how to raise dd, that I just did it my way....
Well to an extent that is true...I did do it my way...which is by following my heart and what felt right....I didn't know what AP was or anything about it....I planned on bf from the beginning, and he knew that....she slept with me in the hospital, and after a few attempts for her to sleep in her bassinet in our room, she ended up in bed with us....
In my search for bf info, I found AP info, and realized that by following my heart I was following the AP way of parenting and that it was ok to co-sleep, not CIO, hold my baby lots, etc...

Well, he thinks that we should have let her cry, that she may be in her own bed if we did this, and that she may be able to be left alone to play etc...if we did this....
I told him the facts that I have found about letting a baby CIO and that it was normal for her to want to be with people she's just a baby, and of course she wants mom, she trusts me....and in time (she already does to some extent) she'll trust him as much as me...and that she does't get everything she wants now...just cause she wants to put her fingers in the fan, doesn't mean I'm going to let her so she doesn't get upset...she's old enough to start learning that kind of stuff...which he agreed with...

Why dh waited until dd is almost 1 year to tell me that he feels left out, I don't know....originally he was planning on entering the military, so he wouldn't have been here for the first couple years of dd life, but when he found out he couldn't get in, he still didn't say anything, and when he did, he'd just say whatever or your home with her so do what you need to do.....

My dh is the youngest of 3 (only boy) and never really around babies, infact, he was afraid of dd for the first little while and didn't know what to do with her (like I did, I'm new at this too!!)...so he really "let" me do it all....that I think is where I went wrong, but hindsight is 20/20.....

I just can't believe that he is "mainstream" on so many issues....and I am totally AP....what am I going to do...I am not going to compromise on issues that could potencially destroy the trust dd has in me...I'm not going to stop responding to her needs....and I know that he sees she is getting more independant...I just think he wonders what life would have been like if.....we CIO etc....HORRIBLE!!!

I love dh and he is wonderful to dd, and is responsive to her needs, but that is of course easier now that she is older and lets you know (for the most part) what she wants....
I think that he just wasn't prepared for the way a baby can change your life and is use to seeing babies on TV etc...you know the ones that are never heard or seen...etc...you know what I mean....and I think he actually thinks that she is "a typical" baby because I never let her cry....
We left the conversation with I would be more open to his suggestions, but I told him I am not doing anything that feels wrong...that Evy is the world to me, and I am not going to let her suffer because people say its the way to parent, that I will continue to do what feels right to me...and that I don't expect him to do things the exact same way, and that is good...Evy needs to learn that different ways are OK.....but I do expect him to respond to her needs (I know he will....he doesn't like her to cry either...and she very rarely does...she fusses more than anything....)....

I just don't get it....
What do you think??? What do I do???
Thanks for letting me vent!!!
JEn
post #2 of 8

Re: Hubby left out...

Sounds good to me...


Quote:
Originally posted by wwhippetcrazy
but I told him I am not doing anything that feels wrong...that Evy is the world to me, and I am not going to let her suffer because people say its the way to parent, that I will continue to do what feels right to me...
post #3 of 8
A couple of things here from my experience.

First, I won't requote what PS quoted above, but that is what I'm referring to here. I was immediately awareof the fact that you told your ds that Evy means the world to you. Now you may be omitting more of what you said but my first though was that if you didn't follow it up with the phrase "And you mean the world to me, too" you likely alienated your dh more. I felt the same way as you after my ds was born and when I looked at my behavior in an honest light it became clear that nearly ALL of my attention and energy was directed toward my son. My dh was definitely on the losing end. Words can mean so much more than we ever intend.

Second, husbands are not prepared for what a baby will do to their lives. There has been research done that shows that when expectant parents are asked to picture their family after the baby, women picture a tiny newborn coming into their lives. Men picture their child as a toddler or preschooler, not a baby. I don't know why, but I asked my dh and he agreed with the findings. Your husband is likely to be much happier as your child begins to walk well, and can throw a ball or play simple games with him. That could be when he truly begins to "bond" with his child so to speak. My dh was like a totally different man once the boys became more like "kids" and less like "babies."

It also may be hard for a man with no experience with babies to hear that he is doing things differently from those around him. Peer pressure has no age limit.

If he is willing to read, perhaps you could suggest a good Dr. Sears book or another AP book so that he would know where you are coming from, and could see some of the findings of the benefits of AP. I always like Dr. Sears because he admits that he didn't start out as an AP parent, but he learned from his patients.

Best of luck!
post #4 of 8
This might sound silly but.......does your dh read in the bathroom? I ask this because, like you, I ended up figuring out that what I was doing instinctively actually had a name, and then read up on AP. My dh did not have the benefit of doing this and just follows my lead. Well, one day I subtly mentioned how great this book was that I was reading (a Dr. Sears book) and suggested that he might flip through it while in the bathroom. OMG....I've been amazed by not only his interest but his initiative to do the things suggested, and I hear him saying things that sound just like something Dr. Sears himself would say! He's reading the book from cover to cover (rather than flipping through as I do) and now it's like he's being proactive on some of these things instead of just doing what I'm doing, if you know what I mean. Maybe you could put The Baby Book (Sears) in the bathroom and see what happens! Because it really does make SO much sense when they read it in black and white. Might be worth a try.
post #5 of 8
Thread Starter 
Thanks SOOO much....it's great to see I'm not alone...

jbcjmom...I did tell him too that he also meant the world to me...that our family means the world to me and I just want everyone to be happy ...
I know what you mean about them feeling left out so to speak, and your description of what men picture is soo true....
I know that and see that as Evy gets bigger and is able to do more things that he is more relaxed with her, and I know that their bond is going to grow more and more over the time....
I don't think he necessarily wanted things to change now...cause he said that it is too late, that we are "set in stone"...which to an extent is true...so I think he is just wondering if things would have been different....know what I mean??

beachmommy....yes he does read in the bathroom.... , and I use to have Dr. Sears AP book in there...(I think I will put it in there again..) I don't think he'll read it though....he says that he just doesn't necessarily agree cause he's never seen it done like this...so I know that with time, he'll see that she is a happy, healthy, independant little pumpkin and that we must have done something right.... And if he says why don't we do it this way, I'll quote my research I've found....

I think he has been feeling left out, and now with me returning to work, I'm sure that the 10 hours he is alone with her he is just stressing about it that she will be "bad" without me around....I know that the first few times, there will be tears,....he actually said that they both might be in the corner crying when I get home...lol.....but I think he just needs to get the confidence that he can do it...his way....or whatever way, as long as it works.

Atleast I now know how he feels about things...he is the King of keeping things bottled up...after 11 years, you'd think he'd be able to let me know....dd is just the icing on a very big cake of work problems and money problems....
I have to remember to ask what he thinks about this..not say we're doing it like this....lol...
That's hard!!!

Thanks again!!!
post #6 of 8
Hello wwhippetcrazy!
I liked what you said about you being 'new' to this too. I don't understand why or how men get off on the idea that we would know more than them about childrearing. Maybe it's the gender role crap, I don't know.
Anyways, I told my baby's father that he was an adult and just as responsible for our child's well-being as I am and I am not willing to be responsible for 'teaching' him. I figured it out by talking to other parents and watching them interact. I also read everything I could get my hands on. There was no reason why he couldn't do the same. I feel that I shoudn't have to be responsible nor take care of an adult man. If he feels left out, then that's his fault.
I think as parents, we will always do some things differently, which is perfectly fine. I also agree with you, that if I think something will do more harm than good, then it is my responsibility to let him know. I also know it is hard to let him do his thing and not interfer, so there is a little letting go on my part.
IMO, you are doing just fine and sound like a wonderful mother. Does your DD and DH have set playdates or times when it is just the two of them? That might help him and her, while giving you some time to yourself. Just remember that the strong bond you have with your DD is because of the time and energy you put into your relationship with her. Just imagine how well you would know her if you and DH's shoes were switched. I would just encourage them to spend more time together without you and give some of the responsibility to him. Just remember that he will do it different and not to put him down.
Hope everything works out.
post #7 of 8
Your dh sound just like mine.

I found that my dh was more receptive to The Baby Book than The Attachment Parenting Book for some reason. As if it was more of a mainstream manual or something....I don't know. That could just be fluke because they're really the same thing essentially.

One other suggestion.....I have found that if I can find ANY AP "thing" that any of our friends do with their kids, then dh buys into it more. Such as...I just found out that our good friends who must moved back from out-of-state slept with their kids until age 2. Their kids are now 6 and 3 and are just wonderful children who my dh adores. It helps for them to see products of AP practices in people they know and respect. That's hard though because most of our friends' children are still so young.

I really think it's mostly that our dh's don't want to feel like they're being told (by us) what to do. But at some level I think they depend on us to make the parenting decisions at the same time. I really have to be very careful about that or my dh starts feeling incompetent and like I'm making all the parenting decisions. Seriously, if I compliment him on something he's doing with our dd, or let him make a significant decision about something involving dd, he just GLOWS for the rest of the day. Have a dh is really like having another child sometimes, isn't it?
post #8 of 8
Thread Starter 


Thanks...
It is true...having a dh is like having another kid!!

mamaintheboonies....dd and dh are just starting to spend time alone together without me....before, he'd get all nervous and stressed and ask me not to leave her....I'd be lucky if I got to shower by myself!! In the last month or so, I've been leaving them together and going to the store, or to the neighbours or just having 1/2 hour in the tub!! I guess in retrospect, I could have/should have left them together more, but he was really stressed about the whole thing....so I didn't push it....even now he gets a little stressed, but I'm going back to work, so he needs to get use to it....I do have to remember not to criticize his way though and I haven't.....really I haven't
I will remember to tell him that he can read up and stuff too....I never thought of that....but it is soo true....there is no law that says I am the be all that end all.... and he is an adult...I think....lol.... It is soo hard not to interfer....but you are right, once they spend more time together, he'll get to know her better...they don't get to spend much time together as it is...he leaves for work before we get up and is home around 4-5 and then Evy is usually ready for bed around 9...so there isn't much time there....

beachmommy....i have found the complements work well too.....Evy fell yesterday while I was in the shower and I listened to see what he would do, and it was so sweet...he held her and told her it was ok...and then got her laughing....when I got out of the shower, I asked how things were going and he told me what happen. I told him he did a good job of making her laugh.....(he was running up and down the hall with her....)

THe peer pressure thing is definately something...we don't have many friends that practiced AP, and the few from work that co-slept have told him and me since day one, that we'll never get her out of the bed....mind you the one ladies two daughters are 16 &14 and they are great kids, but she complains that the 16 year old still likes to get in bed with her...(single mom, there are abuse issues from the dad though...so I can see why she wants to be with mom)....
His mom was against the whole co-sleep thing too and his sisters, so I'm sure that when he talks to them they probably comment....
One of his aunts/uncles coslept and ebf etc...and of course his family all called her crazy...so that doesn't help the situation...he doesn't want to end up like them....
I do...there 3 kids (14, 10, 8...guessing here) are the sweetest...
but I will now be on the lookout for people who are of AP mind that we know....

I'm anxious to see how my SIL raises her babies when she has them.....she's a mother/baby nurse and is around babies all the time..and always comments on what a sweetie Evy is...so I hope that she is an AP mom....

Thanks again...for making me laugh and letting me know I'm not alone....and that I'm doing the right thing!!!
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