Preparing a child for a death in the family

[BoobyJuice]

My MIL has cancer. The had not thought she would make it much past the time they found it last December. She has gained an amazing 9 months of life but it looks like this is the end. The Dr's are estimating 2 - 8 weeks.

We live on the other side of the country. I don't know how to prepare our 3 (almost 4) yo for his grandmother dying. He and his father are back there right now for a few days so he'll get to see her. But I don't know how to explain, what to say, how to make him understand - expecially since he doesn't usually physically see her anyway.

I'm also very worried about my husband. He understandably very upset. I don't want him having to fly back to see her on her deathbed alone or go to the funeral alone; but I'm 30 weeks pregnant and having lots of uterine irritablility. My dr doesn't want me to fly (with my 1st pregnancy I went into preterm labor after flying, so the dr's a little nervous). So my poor husband is torn between being there with his mother and being here with me. I'm fine - just supposed to be resting, which can't really happen if he's gone and I'm alone with two small children. I would love for my MIL to get to see our 21 month old a last time, but I can't imagine my dh flying alone with those two while totally stressed out.

Any ideas for helping my 3 yo and husband through this?

Thank you.

[Quirky]

What a tough situatio all around! I don't have any words of wisdom on what to tell your older child, but on the logistics....could your MIL maybe make a goodbye tape or video for your kids and you make one of them to send to her (although I wouldn't make it a "goodbye" video per se, just a "let's say hi to grandma, tell her how much we love her, and tell stories about what our favorite times with her were." I know it's not the same thing as an in-person goodbye but maybe that way you would have something permanent to show them when they get older and your dh can go spend some time with his mom without having to deal with two small children.

Alternatively, is there someone who could travel with dh and your kids to help him out on the trip? Someone who might want to go to wherever your MIL lives and you spring for the ticket, they get a free trip in exchange for help on the travel legs of the trip? Might be expensive but would give your dh the help he needs.

again.

[MsMoMpls]

Human beings are born with some wonderful instincts as Mothering fans are well aware. It seems as though letting go, facing death is one of those things we just do. In some ways, you can't really screw up grief, or for that matter do it better or worse. Any feeling is normal, and any stage right. Just hug your child, hug your dh. Know that like childbirth- fewer interventions are better.

[applejuice]

There are books in the public library in the children's section that deal w/ this; ask the librarian to help you.

I lost my younger sister when I was six; she died right next to me. I can tell you from personal experience that it helps to let the little one talk and get a handle on what is going on. Let them see you cry, grieve, and talk together. It is so very important. The child needs to know that they can hold on to something.

I took my then 11 year old to a therapist to be sure he was fine...mostly DS had already made peace with the fact that his Dear Papa was going to die, and DS was worried about me.

[BoobyJuice]

Thanks everyone. I will look for some books online (our library would probably fit in the average kitchen) - that's a good idea. Quirky, I wish there was someone to help my dh on the trip. Unfortunatly he'd already gone taking our oldest son with him when I wrote this. He thought it would be a last chance for him to see her and didn't realize how bad it would be (Dr's had been saying a few months and the day after he got there it changed to a few weeks).

So right now I only have our little guy; I meant if he had to go back to a funeral before this baby is born, which it looks like he'll have to, there is no way he could take the kids. I just feel so bad that he'll probably have to go to his mother's funeral alone - all his siblings will be there but they'll all be with their spouses and children.

Again, thanks for the ideas. They're coming home - hopefully - Tuesday (they've already stayed a several extra days). I'll see how our son is doing then.

[LdyBluNH@aol]

i think maria shriver has a book on a dying relative; and i know mothering magazine did an article

[Nickarolaberry]

BoobyJuice, my heart goes out to you. We are dealing with much the same thing. . My MIL has end-stage lung cancer. she lived with us when my older dd was around 18 months for her treatements/surgery and they are very close. Now, she looks really ill and my dd asks about it frequently. We don't get to see them as much as we would like but it will be more frequent coming in the next few months, I expect. I don't know what to say or how to prepare her, she gets devastated when we leave after a few hours of visiting.

My FIL also has cancer (dh's parents are divorced), esophageal. He had surgery and chemo, but now there's a new spot on his liver and the prognosis isn't good. We anticipate less than a year for both. And as well, my grandmother (93) has untreatable melanoma (although she's already outlived her prognosis by a year!) and probably is not long for this world. DD isn't close to her Nana, but she knows her and loves her.

My dd is a sensitive, intense first girl (just like her mama) and asks about, draws for, and talks to her grandparents and her nana on the phone several times a week. What, oh what, am I going to do for my baby?! Not to mention my poor dh who will lose both his parents so close to each other.

Sigh. I didn't mean to hijack your thread, only to tell you I understand and hope you find solace and comfort for your whole family. And an easy birth and lovely babymoon in spite of it all!