growing out of insecurities

[sweetymom]

I hate feeling so insecure. It affects my relationship with everyone around me, especially my DP. I need some personal growth help! My problems stem from past abuse, neglect (in my early years) and being lied to, mistreated and taken advantage of (past relationship with ds father). All that tramua has led to me questioning DP every move and intention. He is a wonderful man-honest, kind, sincere, good to my son, thinks of my son as his son. We are getting married later this fall and I am afraid of him saying he doesn't want to be with me because of my persistant questions and passive/aggressive communication with him trying to make him feel guilty about not being with us every single minute when he is not at work etc. I feel like I am pushing him away even though I want him so close. He is very patient with me, but last night he got tired of it and let me know. I feel so bad about my communication with him and my lack of securtiy in myself. Any advice out there on how to stop the downward spiral of constant negative talk to myself and him? Thanks

[Bippity]

Well, of course, there's always counseling, that can help. But, there's some good books out there, too. I'd head to the library and start with "codependent no more" - it's my "just because everybody is a little codependent" book - you'll first see what it describes in everybody else & then maybe can see it in yourself. I'd also check out, "Getting the Love You Want"-for couples if your DP will do it with you or "Keeping the Love You Find"-for singles if DP won't. Also try picking up, "The Dance of Anger" which talks about passive/aggressive stuff. There's also a book called, "Ten Days to Self-Esteem" - it really takes more than 10 days, but this book lays out the principles pretty clearly. I really liked "Full Catastrophe Living" too.

10 years ago I worked really hard on eliminating my low self-esteem - I read everything I could get my hands on to get a variety of perspectives and I got into some therapy. It all helped & now I quite secure!

It's all about challenging yourself & questioning those negative thought to see if they're true or not and then throwing out anything that isn't really true. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it!

[L.J.]

Some good books I've read is "The Four Agreements" and "The Heart of the Soul" by Gary Zukav.

What I liked in Gary's book was that he discussed getting in touch with our emotions as they are building. He made the connection between our physical feelings & our emotions. Like when we get angry, we may start to feel sensations in our stomach or chest. This helped me because sometimes I'd notice my physical body shifting before I became in tune with my emotions. At first I became more in tune immediately after I reacted, then I started to notice things while I was reacting and now (most times) I start to feel things before they build. Recognizing what you are really feeling or afraid of can be a good way to overcome feelings that aren't serving a positive purpose in your life.

Another great thing to do is just focus on what's happening right now. The only thing that is real, is what is happening in the moment. The way your partner is treating you right now is what you can focus on. This shifts your energy away from feeling things from the past & helps you see what is real in your life right now.

I know that things creep up. I'm a single mom who's just started dating again & even though I feel very secure & confident, old feelings and thoughts sometimes creep in. I just recognized them as feelings from the past, processed if it was serving me to be afraid or not & then (most times) just felt it & let it move through me & moved on instead of letting something from the past interfere with what good was happening in the moment.

I hope I've provided something helpful & wish you well on your journey. I know that you and your relationship will be some much happier as you uncover what's holding you back and move forward into more peace & confidence!

[MsMoMpls]

Most often it is the destructive, negative things that you are saying to yourself that keep you stuck in the past. Since you know how to be a natural, nurturant mother... only use your best mom voice in your head. Kick out all that other stuff- don't let the poison in. Try imagining you as a little one and be your best momma to her. Healing can happen very quickly- once you stop picking at the scabs.