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30+ and TTC 12 mos+ 8/29-9/04 - Page 9

post #161 of 220
Marie, thanks for infusing me with your renewed optimism That's what I love about this thread (and the way the One Thread used to be) when we are down, someone else will lift us up!

"The light of late summer..." that sounds like such a Guy Gavriel Kay way of blessing someone He's my favorite fantasy author...

May the light of late summer bring you many belly blessings!
post #162 of 220
Luckily (and annoyingly so) Ryan is still so optimistic. I feel like I'm totally losing steam. I'm running out of excitement for the journey. I don't know if I can even see myself pregnant or as a mama somedays.

I'm not even sad, I'm just over it.
post #163 of 220
Boy do I feel you there.

I just am not sure i give a crap anymore. I want a baby, I want to be a mom, but I am not sure I can muster enough energy to care. Any ambivalence I have had toward being a mom - well, it is all there. In full force.

This cycle I am just riding out until it is over and then I will worry about the next cycle when I get there.

post #164 of 220


for the reboots. It just sucks. Big Korin, Alexis, and Velvet.

Sorry I haven't been around much. I've been trying not to focus on TTC this month, plus I've been busy winding down my career (12 days left of work). We also found out recently our house may be redistricted into the worst elementary school in the county, so I've been busy helping with that fight, while simultaneously beginning the process of moving as we've decided that even if it doesn't happen, we want to be in a better district. If you want to know more, check out my posts on my LJ (you'll need to friend me, though).

So, I stop in occasionally and I think of you all often.
post #165 of 220
I've been reading about your school redistricting, Sara, and I must say that does bite!

K, I hear you. I am feeling done, too. In the sense that I just don't want to keep doing this rollercoaster all the time. Stop, I'm finished, let me off the ride.

But the ride is life, isn't it? (Remember that scene in Parenthood? I think I need to go put that movie in my wish list for my on-line DVD rental place. )

Ach, it isn't fun anymore, tho. I want it to be fun again!

(Somedays I feel like TTC is turning me into a seven year old throwing a temper tantrum! )
post #166 of 220
2 Lexi, 2 Korin, 2 Velvet!!!

I also remember when TTC was fun! Dh and I talked about baby names, we told family members we were TTC, we picked out the sunniest bedroom in the house for the "nursery" and bought the cute soft baby clothes whenever at a yard sale or discount store. Thinking about being parents was amazing, hillarious, breathlessly exciting!!

Then, we began to wait. And wait. And wait. And our neighbors got pregnant and took both our boy and our girl baby names (really!). At first it hurt, then their child was born - she was a sweet, beautiful, perfect Emma. We don't need that name, we said, we'll pick other names. And we did, but we also fought each month, and sex became a chore, and I got tired of dh's dad saying "think boy" everytime he saw me. And all of our childless adult friends, couple by couple, became pregnant. And after a year the waiting wasn't fun anymore.

And we waited some more, and after 15 months TTC we got pregnant too!! But were so worried by then we didn't tell but a few friends and we soon miscarried. We cried, took a break from TTC, and packed up our baby clothes. FIL continued to say "think boy" and I began to resent him. However, one day in December 2003, we got a second wind. We sold the house and bought a bigger house in a better school district. We painted the kitchen a sunny yellow, and picked the room with the view of the bay for the "sitting room" (i.e., someday nursery). We checked out the local playgrounds . . . just in case.

But, we continue to wait. And take tests. And worry. Our new neighbors who were talking about starting a family when we bought the house just had their baby this weekend. Nine months after we moved in, the house seems empty with just the two of us. We have hidden the baby clothes again - they are probably all hopelessly out of date anyway. I'm on cycle 25 and my 33rd birthday is next month. SIGH!!

Most days I am fine because I don't think about it. When I think about it, I'm alternatingly angry, sad, overwhelmed. I don't want to admit my body has failed me. I keep hoping this cycle is the "one" (see that temp dip on 7dpo?). Yes, the ride IS what it's all about (I remember that line from Parenthood and LOVE it!!). However, while I enjoy this ride with dh, I'd so like to be joined by some little ones as well. I think we could enjoy the ride together - we have so much to offer children and so much love to give. So I'm still waiting.
post #167 of 220
I had a dream last night that I had a baby girl. And I was using clothes on here that I see types of... something red, like cheries, strawberries or roses on a white background. Soft too. strange the things we remember about dreams.

waiting4baby - that was inspiring... and it also helps me remember that I'm not the only one with problems. Trust me, I'm not delighting in your dismay. I'm just glad I don't have to feel alone. Sometimes I forget. 2
post #168 of 220
Johanna - I'm glad that you found my post inspiring!!

Sometimes we forget that we are not alone - as this thread shows us in small part. There are so many families out there who are waiting. It's hard to be in flux - but it just is what it is. I could rant (and sometimes I do) or curse the universe for the unfairness and randomness of it all (and sometimes I do), but it will not change the fact that this is just plain HARD!! My greatest comfort (besides learning some really wonderful things about dh) is that I have friends here who really do understand!!
post #169 of 220
The waiting is the worst part. There is nothing wrong with either of us (other than my low progesterone). It's so hard everyday hearing about another person whos pregnant. I have a patient who had to cancell today because she just found out she's pregnant.. and was in the dr.s office having an US because she is further along than she thought. She just started trying. It's hard to be happy for others sometimes. Does this make me a horrible person?

L'Naiym, I'm coming to Seattle for a seminar this weekend... I'm staying at my sisters house (although she lives in Issaquah) but they will be gone to a concert on sat night.... wanna get together for dinner?
post #170 of 220
No it doesn't make you a horrible person. I have a hard time being happy for anyone who finds themselves pregnant. I have a hard time feeling happy for people who have the money for IVF, or insurance who covers it.

But I am a bitter hag....
post #171 of 220
W4B, hugs right back at ya!

I'm in a bitchy mood about my fertility or lack thereof... I just posted a rant on my LJ about it. Don't read it: I'm just getting all defensive and that's just stupid!

belly blessings
post #172 of 220
Adina, it makes you human, not a hag. Why wouldn't you want that chance for yourself?? I hate that money is power, and with that money, you can get what you need.

Laurel, when I hear you speak, it isn't at all like you are 'worst case scenario'. Your just a fellow traveler, with some insight on places we haven't been yet. I hate that your on the road, but I'm also glad your there for the company you give us.

W4B, that was an awesome post. Thank you for sharing your feelings so succinctly. I hope the wait is OVER for you!
post #173 of 220
Well, I caved to the call of the "talking pee stick" and got a this morning.

This totally ruined my morning.

I hear you all on having a hard time feeling happiness for others, etc. Of course, you probably all hate me 'cause I have Nate. I'm in an absolute cranky mood. It took us a long time to have Nate and now it's been over a year since we started trying for another one.

Don't mind me, I'm just over here throwing a hissy fit.
post #174 of 220
Funny thing is I don't have any resentment toward women who already have children - infertility is infertility first time around or second time around.

The only time I turn positively green is when someone posts in TTC and then is pregnant five days later. I have a little bit of resentment towards those who get pregnant easily.

Little bit. :LOL
post #175 of 220
Thread Starter 

Check out the "One" thread

There is news from Anna
post #176 of 220
Adina, if you're a hag I'm one too!! I think it's just in human nature to be resentful of what's given so easily to those who don't even seem to be trying. Ackk!!! We all deserve to be in bitchy moods!!!!!

Thanks for the compliments about my post - I put it in my livejournal also (not linked in my signature, but available on www.livejournal.com under the same user name "waiting4baby"). I added a bit more because I was feeling especially contemplative. And boy, did it feel good to write it!!

Mamaharsh - those talking pee sticks are just so d*** manipulative!! 2

Korin - Would LOVE to have dinner with you!! Sent you a pm about it (will send another with my home phone). Garsh, now I'm feeling all nervous and fluttery like just before a first date!!
post #177 of 220
Yeah!! Meeting another MDC mama to be. No need to be nervous. I'm just a regular old freak like you.. who happens to pee on her hand. Haha

No we're not hags for being envious. we're bad if we wish ill on others.. but not for being sad for ourselves.

Jeeze.. I'm so numb right now. I feel nothing. I'm not sad, or angry. I just don't want to go through this anymore. This is our 11th cycle. and it feels like forever. I'm never going to get pregnant. At least that's how I feel.
post #178 of 220
Korin - cow. I can't believe you're going to Seattle now that I'm gone! *pout*

Sara - if they hate you they'll hate me, I have Marshall. Fertility problems hurt whether or not you have a babe or not. I think the hardest thing for me in regards to Marshall is that he asks me from time to time when we're going to have a new baby and he loves all his toys and stuffed animals like babies. I feel guilty for not being able to provide him with a new brother/sister.
post #179 of 220
Korin 2

Hopefully, in just a short, short, while all this waiting will be in our past. It won't feel like forever then - it will just be an anxious but fading memory!! Plus, we will have good advice and will NEVER say "just relax" to a suffering mom-to-be.

Oh, I pee on my hand too - just this morning in fact. Was taking out one of those "Instead" cups that I use for progesterone suppositories and bladder so full it just let loose!! :
post #180 of 220
2 Johanna - Boy, we women are great at guilting ourselves, aren't we??? The guilt at not being able to have a baby, the guilt at feeling resentful of others, the guilt at not appreciating what we have . . . add to it a guilt I had never thought of - not being able to provide a sibling to a sweet child!!

We women may not be able to get our bodies to work properly, but our guilt radar works overtime!! We are just too hard on ourselves!!!!
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