I also remember when TTC was fun! Dh and I talked about baby names, we told family members we were TTC, we picked out the sunniest bedroom in the house for the "nursery" and bought the cute soft baby clothes whenever at a yard sale or discount store. Thinking about being parents was amazing, hillarious, breathlessly exciting!!
Then, we began to wait. And wait. And wait. And our neighbors got pregnant and took both our boy and our girl baby names (really!). At first it hurt, then their child was born - she was a sweet, beautiful, perfect Emma. We don't need that name, we said, we'll pick other names. And we did, but we also fought each month, and sex became a chore, and I got tired of dh's dad saying "think boy" everytime he saw me. And all of our childless adult friends, couple by couple, became pregnant. And after a year the waiting wasn't fun anymore.
And we waited some more, and after 15 months TTC we got pregnant too!! But were so worried by then we didn't tell but a few friends and we soon miscarried. We cried, took a break from TTC, and packed up our baby clothes. FIL continued to say "think boy" and I began to resent him. However, one day in December 2003, we got a second wind. We sold the house and bought a bigger house in a better school district. We painted the kitchen a sunny yellow, and picked the room with the view of the bay for the "sitting room" (i.e., someday nursery). We checked out the local playgrounds . . . just in case.
But, we continue to wait. And take tests. And worry. Our new neighbors who were talking about starting a family when we bought the house just had their baby this weekend. Nine months after we moved in, the house seems empty with just the two of us. We have hidden the baby clothes again - they are probably all hopelessly out of date anyway. I'm on cycle 25 and my 33rd birthday is next month. SIGH!!
Most days I am fine because I don't think about it. When I think about it, I'm alternatingly angry, sad, overwhelmed. I don't want to admit my body has failed me. I keep hoping this cycle is the "one" (see that temp dip on 7dpo?). Yes, the ride IS what it's all about (I remember that line from Parenthood and LOVE it!!). However, while I enjoy this ride with dh, I'd so like to be joined by some little ones as well. I think we could enjoy the ride together - we have so much to offer children and so much love to give. So I'm still waiting.