Firstly, my apologies for not being around. I've been reading, but dealing w/a lot of midwife crap in my head.
And that is what brings me here.
I have written her an e-mail that I haven't sent out yet, and would like your opinions on it. I know it can be harsh, but I am angry. I also know that she may drop me as a client, which is no loss really. The only reason I'm keeping her on, is that if I were to drop her now at 27w, I'll owe her more $ than I would if I just kept her and (oops) forgot to call her for my child's birth (due to insurance).
So I would like some input, either grammatical, spelling, or whathaveyou. I have been "writing" this letter in my head since 19weeks, and it feels great to get it out.
If you need more info on any of the points I have made, I'll fill you in. I just want to post it ASAP to see if any of you can read it right now
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that came to a head after this e-mail and I'm going to try my best to put them forth in a logical and straightforward manner, w/o becoming too emotional.
I chose you for a midwife for a couple of reasons. Your knowledge of herbs far surpasses mine, and I wanted someone that I could go to for herb advice. I chose you because you are supposedly the most laid-back midwife in the state. I wanted someone who will trust my body to birth a healthy baby, as I already have that trust myself. I also chose you b/c I want an unassisted birth, but I have real concern that my father and mother-in-law would call CPS on me if they found out. I am also concerned that if I had to emergency transfer to (insert name of local hospital), how they would react if I had *gasp* planned to go unassisted.
At this point in our relationship, I'm feeling that you have no confidence in my body's ability to maintain a healthy pregnancy. When I interviewed you, we spoke of Rhogam. And I believe you spoke of an Amish community that you worked with. You said you were "biased", b/c those women never received Rhogam, yet they had tons of healthy babies w/o problem. It seems that while you have had great experience w/these women and their healthy bodies and babies, *my* body was designed to fail. *My* body was designed to try to kill my baby.
I'm concerned that you didn't have the information that I provided you with on the ins and outs of Rhogam. I'm incredibly concerned that if I would have consented to the blood test at 24w, and would have tested positive for antibodies (as I would have *just* receiving the rhogam), what would have happened? Would you have ordered an amniocentisis? That seems to be the next step in sensitization issues. This scares the hell out of me, as I was able to get tons of information on Rhogam, w/i 12 hrs (most of it while I slept), yet you did not have this information, and suggested I do further blood work.
Also, I do not doubt that I am a highly intellectual person, and feel most comfortable with information. This is *me*. But, as you do not know, I am highly intuitive, and very in touch w/my body. I do not need, nor desire any help in connecting with my body. I am already there. An image comes to my mind of me sleeping, and being woken up to be told to "sleep".
I also want to touch on my anxiety disorder which seems to be very important to you. I have "generalized anxiety disorder" and I will explain to you some of my anxieties to help you better understand my head.
*I am anxious about people breaking into my house and mutilating my son and torturing my husband and myself. *I am anxious about being attacked at night when I am out w/my son and w/o my husband.
*I am anxious about someone torturing my dogs.
I can go on and on, but my anxieties are all based on the "someone is going to hurt me or someone I love" kind of fear.
On the other hand, I am not anxious about taking a poop. Never have been. It is a natural body function, and I just shit and get it over with. No obsessing, no planning, just doing it. In the same breath, not to compare birth to excrement, but it is also a natural bodily function, so to speak. I have absolutely no anxiety about birthing. None whatsoever. My concerns are limited to people interfering in my bodies ability to do what its got to do. To get into my head and "try to help".
I'm also concerned with how many people are planning to be at my child's birth. I have a very small apartment, with one husband, one-to-be three year old, 4 dogs, and 2 cats. I do not have room for 2 midwives and a student, and I'm not talking in square footage. To be able to listen to my body, my baby, and my intuition, I need space. Having all these people that I do not know will interfere w/my child's birth and my ability to be in my body and experience the birth as my child wants to be born. This is my child's birthright.
I'm sure that this e-mail, or at least the strong feelings that have come across will come as a surprise. And for that I do apologize. I do not like confrontation, and do my best to ignore things, but despite my experience, such important things do not go away as I hope, but become more important and demand more of my energy. Right now, I need to focus my energy on my baby and my family and not all of this stuff.
So this is where I am. I look forward to your reply.