MIl passing

[Emilie]

My mil passed from colon cancer 2 years ago this past June.
We were not married at the time and had basically just gotten together.
We moved home to live with them 3 months before she died.
The family was not accepting that she was dying and did not tell the sons( 3 ages 19, 23 and 25- at the time) and they did not know- they all thought that they would tell them if she was going to die.
Even tho she was losing all her functions- etc- they did not know.
My fil told me 2 days before she died taht I was to take dh to the store to get a suit for the funeral- but refused to tell him that she was dying.
The boys all thought that they were waiting on some miracle drug and that they would take her to Europe to get it.
I don't know why I am posting this...
Dh has said repeatedly that he feels it is selfish to grieve and I hate that for him. He is keeping it all bottled up inside and he is hurting so bad... I know he feels guilty...( tho he has nothing to feel that way for) and lonesome for her all the time.
They were very close and he thinks she walked on water...
I do not know how to help him. I have gotten him books- etc- but he does not read them. I have told him I am here if he wants to talk...
6 months after she past- I got pg. And then we got married... SO much has happened in these 2 short years and I just hurt so bad for him. I could not imagine not having my mom...
I could not imagine my son not having me...
My fil is not a help- he is completely lost as well and basically makes things worse.
WWYD???
I mean I know everyone grieves in their own way... but he is so sad all the time and I just can not let it stay this way- he can barely enjoy our son it seems... I think he needs to be medicated- but he refuses to even talk about it.
Anyhow- here I am spilling the beans!
Any advice?
Emilie

[lisamarie]

We live in a society that tends to not want to talk about grief and loss (especially men). It is so sad to watch someone in so much pain and it can be such a helpless feeling.

Does he get on the computer much? I know that there are some grief and loss sites that might be helpful. He wouldn't even need to participate in posting, but sometimes reading others words and what they are going through might be comforting to know that he isn't alone. Does he share his feelings w/his brothers at all? It sounds like he comes from a family where feelings aren't shared.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dh's family. (((HUGS))))

Warmly~

Lisa

[Emilie]

He is on the computer all the time- but it is just for his fantasy sports stuff- which is an escape for him...
He does not talk to his bros at all about this. They both talk to me individually from time to time- and they know that the door is always open.
AS does he. I am the only female in the family that they are close too. They did not grow up around family and moved every few years for fils job. It is a sad circumstance. They moved here when dh was about to enter his senior year in HS- and she was dianosed 3 months later- then thought to be fine- then diagnosed again- and they never told the boys- tho they kow for a good 2 years she was not going to live.
It is so sad.
I jsut hate to think of dh living in such pain for the rest of his life.
I know that time will heal some wounds- but if you are just denying them....
FIL talks to me some too- but just to ask how they are doing- if they have said anything- and I have told him that he really needs to talk to them about it- that they all need him to talk to them- etc... but he is in rough shape too.
WE are moving in two weeks- 4 hours from here- and I think that it will be good for dh- this is such a sad place for him that harbors so many sad feelings and times...
I hope to meet some friends in our new locale that he may be able to open up too.
Anyhow- thank you for your reply
Em