birth again after a traumatic birth

[azyre]

Hi,

I haven't intro'd myself in this forum - my name is Leah and I live in Australia. I have a 17 mo (today!) daughter who was born in an unplanned and unnecessary c-section after a failed induction after a transfer from the birth centre.

I would like people to talk to me about their home births after a traumatic earlier birth ... I am starting to think about my next pregnancy and birth and wanting to make some progress on my feelings with regards to my daughters birth. From the early ups and downs, I had a lot of sad feelings well up at her birthday, and again recently, when I went to an evening where we shared our stories. I feel I have come to grips with it logically but emotionally is quite another thing. I want a homebirth and have no conscious fear of it - but I know these things can catch you by suprise. I really did not expect to be hit for a loop after telling my birth story and hearing others but it was quite hard.

I am posting here rather than in the VBAC forum because people can have birth trauma apart from a c-section. And I want to hear from women who believe in homebirth. I would like to know how women have prepared themselves to birth again, and if any feelings/fear from the first birth affected the second. I would like to know if it happens in labour, how you dealt with that. After having a better experience, does the pain of the earlier experience lessen, or is it felt more keenly for having a comparison? What advice do you offer me?

Thanks,

Leah

[cottonwood]

I had a traumatic first birth. There was a lot of conflict with my midwife during the labor itself, and I felt a distinct lack of support from her, as far as the kind of support that I needed, as well as getting the message from her that I wasn't doing it "right" and making too much of the pain. It was excruciatingly painful, and my body was very hurt -- I pulled muscles, hobbled around the house like an old lady, didn't even step foot (literally)outside for three weeks even though it was a beautiful spring. I had post-partum depression and great difficulty breastfeeding.

What helped to prepare for my next birth was, first, to get mad (it didn't have to be that way) and realize that while I had to take responsibility for the choices I made, my bad experience wasn't about me being inherently weak. I then did an extensive search for a midwife who I felt could support me fully in what I wanted, and spent most of the pregnancy working through my first experience with her. By the time I was to give birth again, I was ready, and I had an awesome, healing experience. Not any less painful; but the factors that made the first birth so unbearable (above and beyond the pain itself) were largely absent. I went into it feeling emotionally strong, and nothing undermined that, and that made all the difference.

[KellyK]

http://www.sheilakitzinger.com/index.htm

Another mom sent me this link and I want to share it with you.

http://www.sheilakitzinger.com/BadBi...20haunts%20you

Tis one is more specifically where I found a little peace. It helped me to see others describe their experiences so honestly and I was relieved that I was not alone in missing out on the "fairytale" birth I had dreamed of.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=184867

Also maybe this will have some info. for you.

I wish you both will never have to face anything like that again.

[azyre]

Thank you Linda and KellyK for replying and sharing.

Linda - have got mad, plenty mad Actually I feel in many ways this has allowed me to become disillusioned enough with "authority" to make me make better choices. So that's a plus. I'm glad to hear this was what started your healing too. I am a bit tired of feeling angry now though. Enough about THEM, now it's about me

Kelly, one of the most healing things that happened was when I realised many woman have vaginal births that are less than shining also. When a women who homebirthed told me her daughter had to be resuscitated (but not because of poor care) it made me realise that nothing is a given, regardless of the carer and environment. And while I am going to line my ducks up better next time, it's no guarantee. Got to let go of the outcome while planning for something spectacular I will go read those stories. It really helps to know other women feel the loss as well. It is hard to mourn about a non-event, and it sometimes feels very little in comparison to other things people grieve for and that makes me uncomfortable. But the feelings are very real regardless.

Anyone else out there?

Leah

[Mom2baldie]

Leah,

I wanted to wrote and offer my support even though I have not yet had my homebirth - its coming up in around 3 weeks. Maybe afterwards I can come back and answer your questions about how one birth affects the other.

I actually had an extremely traumatic VBAC (the birth and after part of the VBAC) 2.5 years ago which affected me more than my cesarean did, but I'm willing to give it another go with this baby. Still trying to get what I deserve...

I am very nervous though mostly because the cause of all the problems last time was a lack of support from my hired support team and husband and an incredible lack of respect for me as a human being with feelings! Ive talked in detail with my midwife about these things and she has tried to be understanding and reassuring. I also went to counseling, but it didnt help very much, because like you said, it is very strange to be so sad about a birth experience when horrible, horrible things happen to people all the time. It just doesnt seem as important.

Anyways, I dont really have any advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I hope you are able to figure things out and heal.

[Elyssia]

when i was 18 i had a miscarriage, that was my traumatic experience
i was by myself and knew what was happening and trying to just deal w/ it at home
but i finally was too scared and in pain and got my roommate to take me to the hospital
where i was treated like a dog
i was contracting, visibly in pain, bleeding
i was about5 mos. i think and not really showing
i spoke to the admitting lady and told her i was miscarrying
she said "did you have a positive pregnancy test?"
"no"
"then what makes you think you're pregnant?"
ummmm, duh!
things did not get better from there
they did an ultrasound to make sure it was not tubal and see what was going on
and then took me to a room where i was alone for a few hours, only now in a paper gown, freezing cold
a doctor finally came in and had me lay on my back, looked and said, oh here we are now
just push
and my little baby slipped out
i asked to see the baby but the doctor did not let me, took it and left the room
a nurse came in later and told me i could get dressed and told me that it looked like the baby had just died and they didn't know why, that it shouldn't affect my future pregnancies
and that was that
LATER i realized how wrong that was
that i should have been allowed to see my baby and hold it
and find out whatever i could about it
that experience was so ugly and i was such a knownothing

i went on to have a baby when i was 24
and chose to homebirth, i'm sure as a result of that hospital experience
i wanted to be nowhere near a hospital
the experience was very empowering
not just the birth, but also the act of making choices
what i wanted to wear, what i wanted to do, and most of all who i wanted to be there (all women), no vaginal exams
building a relationship with my midwife was wonderful and i trust her so completely
taking charge feels very good, from the smallest act; like getting all of your own supplies together, making a vision, putting together your plans
and then there is nothing in the world that feels better than climbing into your own comfy bed w/ your new baby
who's still all sticky warm and salty
to relax and let it all sink in, the baby, the love, the energy of the people there, it is joyous
it is very healing
it has really helped me to forgive myself for being that lost little girl who didn't know anything and just gave my baby up and didn't even get mad about it

i have gone on to have the rest of my children at home too, even my twins
and have been fortunate to have the great experience over and over again
i like to think that even if i did ever have to transport to the hospital, i would still feel better about it
knowing that i got the best possible care and that i and my midwife did everything we could
and that our choices were made out of love - together, not just risk analysis, all business

best of luck to you

elyssia

[azyre]

Thanks so much elyssia for sharing your story about your first baby.

All your kind thoughts and support are really appreciated and helpful. I hope I am hanging in this forum next year getting my "ducks in a row" for something special.

[meowee]

My last birth was a traumatic homebirth. We both came out of it okay, physically, but I felt/ feel deeply scarred and violated. My Dh was completely "checked out," my midwife was not supportive (said, "I know how you feel--" she has never had a baby). I would like to have more children but I am really scared to try going through this again. Also the homebirth midwives are slim pickings around here, so I would probably be with the same midwife.

I also suffered from repeat bouts of severe, severe mastitis for almost a full year after the birth.

So I don't have advice, really, just some company because in many ways we're in the same place!

the birth story:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=182435

posted this looking for feedback:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=166554

[azyre]

Meowee, went and read both your links. I loved that you were able to get some space from the others and bring your baby out with the breeze - despite your dissapointing support, something in you overcome it.

Your story has really hit home to me that your carer has to be emotionally with it, regardless of the location. I think picking a midwife will be one of my greatest challenges, but I think there are a few around here so hopefully will find someone great. It is a totally different heartspace being pregnant and giving birth to everyday life, and you need special people.

I am on a homebirth orientated yahoo email group that is increasingly dealing with recovery from birth trauma, if anyone is interested, PM me and I will share the link with you. It's based in Melbourne IRL but online only participation is fine!

[meowee]

Originally Posted by azyre

Your story has really hit home to me that your carer has to be emotionally with it, regardless of the location. I think picking a midwife will be one of my greatest challenges, but I think there are a few around here so hopefully will find someone great. It is a totally different heartspace being pregnant and giving birth to everyday life, and you need special people.

thanks azyre. Yes, it is important to find someone caring. Midwifery can be such a grueling job, it's hard to find a midwife who can really give to you emotionally in the way you need it. I have had 4 different midwifes for four different births-- two were mean & stern (the old fashioned nurse type), one was very hands-off, like a fly on the wall, and one was very connected to me, very gentle and patient.