What do I do with my kid???

[Lucysmama]

I have a high-needs 31 month old. She is very emotional, very intelligent, and very attached to dh and I. We had originally planned to have her at the birth, but I am having second thoughts now.

We just moved, and she is having some emotional problems now. She's not handling the transition well. (Hours of tantruming and screaming/day.) This to me is a red flag that she may not handle the labor well, and maybe should not be present. We really want her there, and we have prepared her for the birth with books and videos. She is fully expecting to be there. Our plan was to have dh just support her when she needed it, but it is looking more like she may need someone who will be able to take her out of the house if necessary, which would leave me alone. (We don't plan to have our midwife come until late in labor.)

I wish we had a support person who could be there just for her, but I don't have anyone. None of my family members are comfortable with homebirth, so they are out of the question, and I can't think of anyone else who would be able to come that I would want there.

Is it possible to hire someone to come just for your child, kind of like a doula? Like, maybe the doula could support me or my child, whoever needs it? I am even thinking about asking a few local homebirth/MDC mamas who I barely know, if they can come to my birth to support my child. Is this totally weird? I really don't know what else to do with her.

[plantmommy]

Well, I wouldn't assume that she will absolutely need to be taken out, but keeping the option open is a good one. Although, with my previous hb, my ds was about the same age, very high needs, and he actually napped through the hard parts of labor, and instinctively woke right after his sister was born. I read somewhere that this commonly happens, as a way for the older one to deal. My kid-person at that labor was delayed in arriving, and showed up just as I was ready to push, when he was napping already.

A doula or an MDC mama who was willing sounds like a great idea! I'm sure, if you found someone who you clicked with, they would consider it a gift, to be present.

I should say i did have some concerns over nobody being here for my 8, 6, and newly turned 4 yr. old for my recent hb, but it turned out just fine, nary a hitch. The kids were great and are RAVING about how wonderful it was to see their brother being born. They all have their own interpretive face for what he looked like after his head emerged under water, and before his body was born. I need to get those on camera!

[MamaSoleil]

I think it's a great idea to have someone there, who can leave with dd if needed. She'll probably sleep though....as the pp stated.
If there are any mdc mamas near you, why not ask? The worse they'll say is no...but I can't see that happening!!!

[Lucysmama]

You know, I keep hoping she will sleep, at least while I am in active labor. But I don't wanna count on it, YK?

So you don't think it would be weird to ask a homebirthing MDC mama to come for my dd, even if I barely know her? I mean, she would have to spend a little time getting to know my dd and I in the next few weeks.

Can you actually hire a doula to come for your child OR you, too?

[doctorjen]

I think you could definitely hire someone to help with your child, especially if you are not too uncomfortable with the idea of her potentially attending the birth with your child. We have had 3 sibling attended births, and always had a support person there for the kids (except this last time when my nearly 15 year old ds served as support person for his 2 younger siblings) Although my kids did great, it was nice to not have to worry about what to do if they needed to leave, and I really, really need my dh to focus on me.
Being a doula means supporting the laboring mom, and helping to make sure her child is comfortable is certainly a great support. I'd ask around!

[Greaseball]

I decided at the last minute not to have my dd there for the birth. I had arranged for my sister to be there for her, and the day before the birth she came by and told me to call her when I needed her to come over, and then that night I went into labor and just didn't call. DD slept until about 6 am and then dh called his mom who came and got her.

I'm glad it worked that way. I was expecting the birth to be easy but it was really hard and I'm glad dd didn't see it. Also, dh's parents are not supportive of home birth but they weren't going to take it out on the child! People who aren't supportive of hb probably aren't supportive of children at birth either, so they may be glad to help out there!

[nikirj]

I dunno about hiring a doula just for this purpose. I'm sure most would be willing to do it, but it isn't quite their interest and not really what they have in mind when they become doulas, you know?

I personally wouldn't have any qualms about asking around here at MDC to see if anyone in your area would be willing to help you out with this.

eta - I'd be another of those who would be honored if someone asked me. I'm pretty certain I'm far away from you though.

[jecaly]

speaking for myself, i would be beyond honored to come to another mama's house and watch her child while she labored, regardless of how well i knew the mama (i don't think you live in san francisco, though). i think there must be lots of others who feel the same way. i'm imagining, though, that you'd want the person, whomever it is, to get to know lucy a little bit beforehand, though, right? otherwise it might be sort of disorienting to have a stranger come during such an intense moment.

*j

[annakiss]

Katie, aren't you here? I'm sure that asking a MDC mama would be fine! There's even a doula around here that's from our list who might be willing to help you out.

[Lucysmama]

Anna - yes, I am in Cleveland....!

I am going to go the picnic tomorrow in Brecksville, and the meeting at your house on Wednesday, and see if I would feel comfortable with asking any of the mamas to come help us out.

I have some women-issues due to childhood abuse, so I am a little slow-to-warm to other women, so this is a huge deal for me. It's really putting a lot of trust into a woman I don't know very well at all, which is difficult for me to do. (This is also why I don't have any women I can ask to come to the birth, I guess - most of my close friendships are with men or family members.)

I hope I can figure something out. My dd needs some support if she will be awake.

Greaseball - yeah, I would ask a family member to take dd, but I don't want them even involved with the labor that much - even stopping by the house to pick her up. When I was in labor with Lucy, I would just totally get nervous and upset and shut down when people came in and out, and I want this to be a very private affair. I don't want my family to even know I am in labor. People would try to come to the birth. That's just the kinda pushy family I'm from! :LOL

[TiredX2]

Another possible source would be to go to your local LLL and try to find someone who could come and watch DD, bringing her a playmate.

DD was almost 32 months when DS was born. We had moved the month before. We planned on MIL being her support person, but I didn't call in time (they live 4 hours away) so a friend of mine ended up coming over and having her two watch videos w/DD until DD came up to watch the pushing & cut the cord (and then announce DSs birth).

Good luck. I would *LOVE* to help, but we are in WA, lol

[annakiss]

Katie, how old is Lucy? I know that it's either Julie or Theresa (they look alike and I can't remember which is which) that's a doula. I'd be willing to help you out if you wanted. If you're bringing Lucy on Wednesday, we could talk about it. And I have a feeling that if we can draw you out of your shell, then you'll get to know some ladies quite well at our consciousness raising group.

[Meli65]

Hi Katie,

I, too, would be happy to help out (being a local and all )

Another thing to think about is asking a doula-in-training -- it is often difficult for them to find births to attend in order to get certified. I think there might be one or two in the group, in addition to actual practicing doulas. Of course there's a chance they won't actually be there for the birth but I know that I as a former doula-in-training (I haven't pursued it since we moved here) would jump at the chance.

[Lucysmama]

Thanks to Anna and Melissa - I hope to see you both this week at either the picnic or Anna's house!