Urgent help needed: suspicion of child abuse

[La llorona]

I't's not even a suspicion, I'm pretty sure it happened, because my daughter told me.
I need help desperatly, because I don't know if to report this or not. Let me tell you the whole story...

Last nite me and DD who's 3 1/2 were comfortable on the couch, after a long day @ school for both of us. We were watching TV and then a couple kissing passionetely appeared (tongue kissing) and out of the blue my DD told me that X (my cousin's husband) gave her a kiss like that.
I just froze...didn't know what to do or think.....last saturday we were over my cousin's house for a BBQ. My DD was playing happily with my cousin's son (also 3) we were outside the building (in the backyard). The children were in and out (they live in the first floor) of the apartment playing, then they started watching a movie, so they went inside the apartment, while we stayed out. I went in a couple of times to check on them, and they seem fine.
My cousin's husband was also going in and out of the building. This is probably when it happened.

When my daughter told me about htis I immediatly ask her if he touched her private parts, she said no, I also asked her if he did somethiing else, she said no.
After that I pretend it wasn't a big deal, because is obviously not for her. I don't want to traumatize her and I want her to forget.
I bathe her after dinner and check all of her body to see marks, also her vagina which seemed intact.

After she went to sleep I told my DH, my mom and I called my cousin and told her the whole thing. She started crying on the phone and told me she believe my daughter. She said she was going to talk to him. My mom is calling several family members to warn them about this.
I really want to report him to authorities, but I don't want them to grill my daugter w/ questions, cause I want her to forget about this.

Please I need your advise...This is affecting me, I'm 6 months pregnant and I really want to do something aboutt it to stop this. I don't want to cover up his act, it could happened to other children.

[ILuvMyBaby]

If it was me, I would call the police right away. He needs to be off the streets. You could be saving another child from getting molested.

[L.J.]

I agree with the other poster. I would be shocked to find out this was the first time and I would bet a lot on the fact that it wouldn't be the last.

I know you want to protect your child and I think that's a valid concern. I believe the authorities are pretty good about handling things like this & talking to children. But, if you don't stop this man, he may do things that could really destroy a young person's life, and I know, I could not live with that on my conscience.

I wish you a peaceful journey through this situation.

[dharmama]

Hugs to you and your dd. I'm so sorry this happened.

The fact that your cousin believed you/your daughter immediately is very telling. I would think that most people's first reaction would be to defend their spouse and not believe such a thing could be true. You NEED to report what happened so he doesn't do this (or worse ) to any other children.

[La llorona]

Thank you for your responses:
It's pretty obvious I need to report this, but first I need to make sure my DD is not traumatized from this experienced, so I need to know from someone who's been through this, who to call first, the police, protective service, a counseling hotline....

That's why I took the time to write this in the first place.

If you know of some resource I can contact, this has never happened to me so I don't know what to do first.

Also he could retaliate against my family, he knows were we live and most of the time we are alone w/ DD in the house. Is not as easy as you think it is.

[Fianna]

Call the police. They will take a statement from you, make a report, and get CPS involved. Please do this for yourself, your dd, and the other children that creep may come in contact with if he isn't stopped. It may be hard now--actually, it WILL be hard now--but think about your dd when she is grown. Imagine how awesome she will feel knowing that at age 3 you believed her and stood up for her. I've read so many stories of women whose mothers did not stick up for them and protect them, and those women carry those scars forever. Even if your dd does not think it's a big deal right now, it won't be too much longer before she discovers that it really was a big deal.

Peace through this whole heart-wrenching ordeal. Good for you for telling your cousin right away!

[wombat]

Sounds like you handled the situation well when speaking to your daughter.

The police handle criminal matters and CPS handle protection matters. I think in this situation, calling either of them will involve the other one. They probably have to inform each other. You're protecting your daughter so I can't see any reason why CPS would stay involved for long. Maybe just do an investigation or hand it over to the police. This man may have a history of this (from what his wife said!). If he's targeting children this young, it's possible he may not have any criminal convictions against him so it's important that CPS knows about him.

It doesn't matter too much if its CPS or police who interview your daughter. I used to work as a CPS worker overseas and my advice would be to report it (police or CPS) and while being cooperative with them - still take enough control of the situation to reduce stresses on your daughter. If the interview is carried out well, it shouldn't be traumatic to your daughter. For example, ask which person is doing the interview - insist on a female who is experienced (ask how many child sex abuse interviews she's done and with what age children). Ask how many people will be in the room. The less people the better. If it's police, make sure they're not in uniform. Police and CPS usually worry about the parent being present as some times children don't want to use taboo words in front of them (I've seen it happen). But other children do better with the parent there (I've seen that happen too). Try and follow your daughters lead about this. Be firm with the police/CPS when advocating for your daughter. If they give excuses about not having an experienced female investigator - INSIST.

I know you want your daughter to forget this. But this is probably a good opportunity to teach some protective behaviours. What that man did was wrong and she does need to eventually learn this. Forgetting about it makes her vulnerable.

Your daughter is very lucky to have some a protective, smart momma!

ETA you may want a police officer present if a CPS worker does the interview. Otherwise police may need to do a 2nd interview. Criminal courts have much tougher standards and police are often better/more experienced at obtaining evidence for the criminal courts.

[TiredX2]

No further advice (right now).

2

[Penelope]

Mama, I'm sorry. This sounds so painful and scary. A few thoughts:

You should be able to get an order of protection from him if you report. This would mean that if he contacted you in any way - drove by your house, for example, or called you - you could call the police and they would arrest him for violating an order of protection.

It would also mean, likely, that you could not contact your cousin as long as she lived with him.

Consider calling a domestic violence or rape hotline - usually their volunteers are trained to answer questions about child sexual abuse. They could talk you through the reporting process and even accompany you if you wished. They could also tell you how to get an order of protection. Having someone to talk to about this might be very helpful! 2

Also, consider calling your pediatrician if you decide to report. He or she could suggest a therapist for your child and could tell you what to expect from her behaviorally. I wouldn't talk to the doctor unless you decide to report, though, b/c he or she is a mandated reporter and would have some obligations. I don't know exactly what those obligations would be, though.

I'm so glad you believed your daughter. That is so much more than many child sexual assault survivors get. She is lucky to have you as a mama.

[Mom4tot]

Originally Posted by Fianna

Call the police. They will take a statement from you, make a report, and get CPS involved. Please do this for yourself, your dd, and the other children that creep may come in contact with if he isn't stopped. It may be hard now--actually, it WILL be hard now--but think about your dd when she is grown. Imagine how awesome she will feel knowing that at age 3 you believed her and stood up for her. I've read so many stories of women whose mothers did not stick up for them and protect them, and those women carry those scars forever. Even if your dd does not think it's a big deal right now, it won't be too much longer before she discovers that it really was a big deal.

Peace through this whole heart-wrenching ordeal. Good for you for telling your cousin right away!

I agree. I am so sorry you and your dd are going through this. How terrible. But, the way you handled it sounds very good, and it sounds like you know what you need to do...report this person and protect your dd as well as other children. I am sure she is not his first victim, nor will she be his last.

Hugs mama.

[girlndocs]

I think calling a rape crisis center might be a good idea, because they would probably know about resources for child molestation victims in your area. I also agree you need to report this to the police, but I think having some advocates who are there for you & your daughter would be a really good idea because sometimes cops are known to not be too sensitive to the feelings of rape & abuse victims. I'm sure everything will be fine, but it can't hurt to have someone who knows what's going to happen & can maybe help it go more smoothly for you. Also they would be able to help you with counseling for your daughter. I believe you can find rape crisis centers under "R" in your phone book? Someone correct me if I'm wrong?

Good for you for believing your daughter & acting for her! She's lucky to have a mama like you looking out for her. 2

[Emilie]

I agree call a rape crisis center- I will check on a number for you or you can look in your local phone book. They will be able to better direct you on some appropriate action to take.
The police in many places are not equipt to deal with child victims ( no less adult victims) so having an advocate there will help immensely. I agree it is a tough call- you do not want to cause your daughter undo pain. But you must hold this man responsible for his actions.
Hugs to you mama.
Em

[CollegeMama]

2
Good for you for believing your daughter. I also suggest that you call the rape crisis center, and get their support before calling the police. Get a restraining order against this man, so you can have recourse if he does start bothering you.
I'm so sorry.

[LadyWulf]

Thank you for believing your precious daughter. My mother didn't believe me. After 17 years of her calling me a liar my step dad finally admitted everything.

If i was you i would call the police, child protective services (for their child) and do everything in my power to see him locked up.

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Hopefully she will forgetbut if she doesn't she will at least know that you came to get rescue when she needed it.

[LovinMyKids]

Thats such a tough call. i do understand where you are coming from wanting your daughter to forget and move on. but I also agree with everyone else. He needs to be reported. I think you are a brave mommy and kudos to your cousin for believing your daughter and confromting her husband.

[comet]

I've been in a similar spot, gone through similar anguish. CPS ended up getting involved and it was the best thing to happen. I also learned through this process that you can call up CPS in your area and talk to them anonymously about everyhing. You can find out about the process *before* you report it, which can really be calming to someone debating whether to report. Here's a national line you can call first (anonymously if you wish): 1-800-4-a-child. You can tell them what you've told us here and they'll tell you what would likely be done with a CPS investigation, they can also give you a local number for you to call. Good luck!

Either way, whether your daughter was traumatized or not, this incident really needs to be investigated. If nothing happened, they'll find it out. If something happened, they can give you legal teeth to protect your daughter and other children. And the fact that your cousin seemed to immediately believe you is pretty much a dead giveaway that he has done things like this before. I could be wrong, but think of this as the universe's way of telling you your gut reaction is right.

[Electra375]

You do need to report him, it's sexual molestation. I base this on the fact that your cousin cried on the phone and said she believed your daughter. That is a red flag that she knows something is up w/ her husband.
As for reporting, call the police ask them where it is you need to report such as thing. After you get directed to someone who deals with child abuse start asking questions about your concerns for her well being.
You may very well hold the key to stopping another child from being abused. It starts with simple kissing, moves to more petting, and then further. Who knows if any other children are being sexually molested by him as this forum moves on.

[La llorona]

Thank you so much mamas...an update

These past few days have been truly a nightmare. On friday DH confronted this guy after he left 2 messages, one in my cell phone and another one at home, confirming what DD told me.
He told DH what he did trying to change the story saying it happened by accident in front of other people, but basically he kissed DD whith his tongue , then he didn't do anything else because there were other people in the house. (touch her private parts, etc) DD also told me he did not touch her in any way.
So yesterday I went to the Long Beach (NY) precinct, where this happened and left DD whith my mom. (I live like 20 miles from here)
They told me they were going to go to my mom's house and interrogate her. I said no, becuase first of all, she speaks mostly spanish, and I don't want some idiot cop to ask my dd these delicate questions.
the cop told me to come back after 6pm. I never showed up.
Cops don't seem very sensitive.
I do not want to put DD through this.

thank so much Comet to suggest CPS..I'll call them and see how we can handle the situation.
Thanks to all the mamas who responded to this. We feel very alone, since we never have dealt with something like this before.

I'll keep you updated
Consuelo

[bbtsgirl]

Advice from a CPS Social Worker

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, I was reading the thread, and thought I'd tell you a little bit of my experience as a CPS social worker in California.

First off, you are a great mom for believing your daughter.

Secondly, do not delay in calling CPS. This man is a pedophile and he IS MOLESTING OTHER CHILDREN AS WE SPEAK. This is a known fact. For every one victim that is discovered, there are 8 more victims that no one knows about. He is molesting, he has done it before, he is doing it now and he will do it again.

Also, when confronted, he will LIE about what happened, he will minimize, say it was the first time and that it will never happen again--these are all LIES.

If he has children of his own, in the age group that he prefers, he is very likely to molest them, and they must be protected immediatly!

This is important...your daughter WILL NOT FORGET. and that should not be your focus, rather, the focus should be on specific child, sexual abuse counseling, and helping her to process what happened to her and to make her realize that she DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, AND THAT IT WASN'T HER FAULT.

And then here is the tough part, he may have done more to her then you know yet. She may have only reported the kissing because she was "testing the waters" to see how you would react. If you would be mad at her. Almost all kids who have been molested disclose slowly over time. Just make her feel safe, reassure her you love her no matter what she tells you, but dont push her for a lot of detail--but also don't ignore the situation, hopeing she will just forget it.- find an even middle ground. it'd hard to do, I know. I had to do it when my own son was molested at age 4.

Good luck,

And I send you prayers and all my warm wishes.

[kama'aina mama]

Well, that's not going to induce hysteria. Good grief.