Feeling invalidated about my birth experience

[guestmama9907]

I am visiting my family and my younger sister and I just had a huge disagreement. She (in the future) wants to have an epidural and we were talking about all the complications etc and about my home birth. She said that when I talked to her after my dd was born I told her that next time I would have a hospital birth. I know I did not say that! I never even thought it. I loved my expereince and am very proud of myself. I feel so upset about this. she went on and on about it and acted like i was "crazy" for getting so upset. I feel like my experience is a good example to my younger sisters and her saying that invalidates my experience some how. I am really mad at her. I know she will never admit that she is wrong so I should just let it go. I shouldnt care what others think. I know in my heart that I had a wonderful birth and a wonderful midwife who I love dearly and that I will definitely do it the exact same way the next time.

[Mama J Rock]

Ouch. That's too bad that she's acting that way. I'm sure that when the day comes that you plan another birth at home then it will be pretty clear to everyone that you apparently thought your first one was the way to do it. It sounds to me though she is unsure of how to justify her desire for a medicated birth and so she's trying to undermine your experience. It's hard though when it's your own sister that's being that way.

[jessitron]

Is it possible that someone asked you right after (or during) the birth whether you'd have it in the hospital next time and you said "uh-huh" while you were a bit out of it? Or maybe she just remembers it wrong. Regardless, it sounds like she's insisting on it as a way of validating her own plans. Maybe the same emotions you have are in play on her side.

Can the two of you agree to disagree on what may have been said (which may have been a complete miscommunication)? Regardless, you loved your experience and will do it again. Because you loved your home birth doesn't make her preferences less valid, if she really wants a hospital and epidural. Your birth is still a good example for her, even if she does not follow it. She has to do what she feels is right for her. (even if we can't understand why!)

[Elyssia]

i had a wonderful homebirth w/ my first baby
and nobody really gave me a hard time about it
but i couldn't believe how many people seemed surprised that i was planning another homebirth when i got pregnant w/ my second
like doing it one time and LOVING it and having everything be perfect somehow got it out of my system and now i could do it in the hospital
some people just don't get it
and it doesn't matter how many fabulous homebirths you have either, if they don't get it, they just don't
my best friend has seven kids, all vaginal births and the last 5 at home
when she was pregnant w/ number 6 somebody we knew was trying to argue w/ her about homebirth
her reasoning was that her luck would have to run out SOMEtime, sure you've had 5 good births so surely you can't have another one
i told that lady that my friend had 5 excellent reasons to believe everything would be fine

please don't let your sister's attitude get you down
i have found that people get really defensive around me b/c they think that i feel superior or something b/c of my choices
(i think all of use homebirth mommas have experienced this)
after 4 children, i have had to let it stop bothering me
and definitely don't let it keep me from talking about my experiences and feeling good about it
she's being defensive, it's her problem

[sun-shine01]

Yuck! My first thoughts are that she is maybe a little jealous of the attention you are getting by having a new little one so she just wants to throw some negativity on you.

You did have a wonderful homebirth and you would do it again given the chance so PLEASE don't let her comments ruin your experience or your memories.

All that really matters is that you DID have a great birth!

[guestmama9907]

Her fiance's sister just had a hospital birth and ended up tearing and having an episotomy with 50 stitches with a 7 pound baby!!! 2 while she is telling me this she is questioning the safety of homebirth! I am trying to let it go. I need to realize that just because I am passionate about something doesnt mean that every one I love will be. That is hard though, when you have such strong feelings about things. Honestly the only thing I hope for my sis is that she educates herself. Though I don't think she will. She is afraid and cant really see past that.

Thanks to all you who have replied. your responses have helped me to feel better.

[wende]

Her thinking probably lies in the "but what if that happened at home?!? At least she was in the hospital where it's safe!"

Hopefully the more you talk to her, and the more non-judgemental you are, the quicker she'll come around and see that you do have valid reasons for choosing a homebirth and it is natural and normal and safe.

[TurboClaudia]

Originally Posted by MamaLotus

Her fiance's sister just had a hospital birth and ended up tearing and having an episotomy with 50 stitches with a 7 pound baby!!! 2 while she is telling me this she is questioning the safety of homebirth!

This reminded me of an acquaintance (the wife of a guy my partner works with) who asked me after our homebirth if I "ripped" (her word) because all of the women she knows who have given birth have torn their perineums painfully and requiring stitches. I told her that no, I didn't tear. I also told her that one way to avoid tearing is to remain upright and squatting when pushing and to have a care provider support the perineum during pushing. She was amazed that I didn't tear at all.

hugs to you mama...

warmly,
claudia

[ebethmom]

2 Congratulations on being a good role model for your younger sisters, even if they might not appreciate it! I'm hoping that my SIL learned from my wonderful homebirth experience. Or at least will be curious enough to investigate birth options.

Not being supported or validated by your family is just painful. My mother will not acknowledge my homebirth. She wishes that it never happened, and will not discuss it. Never mind that it was an incredibly powerful, positive experience for me!

I think that is part of why I want another baby so badly! Dh says that we're done, and he's too old for another. But I want another homebirth.

[Fiddlemom]

When you think about it, isn't it sort of hilarious to think about yourself, having experienced a wonderful homebirth, turning around and saying, "I can't wait to try the hospital next time!!" I mention that not to invalidate what you're saying, but rather to say how strange it would have been for a person with your knowledge & experience to have actually said something that!!!

My first son was born at home, big baby, shoulder dystocia which resolved quickly. I told everyone about all the details and think I scared a lot of people (now I wish I'd kept my mouth shut ). Everyone thinks I had a complication because of the homebirth, and only a few of us know that it was resolved favorably because of the superior skill of my midwife in managing the situation and that in the hospital it could have been a tragedy, and big time trauma for everyone.

[guestmama9907]

My first son was born at home, big baby, shoulder dystocia which resolved quickly. I told everyone about all the details and think I scared a lot of people (now I wish I'd kept my mouth shut ).

I think that is what happened with me too. I had a 9 lb 10oz babe, no complications except my placenta separated. Immediately after the birth I talked to my fam over the phone and I think the way I described the pain was "shocked and appalled!" I also confessed to everyone that when my midwife arrived and checked my blood pressure and temp that I was praying that something was wrong with me so I could go to the hospital! I was in transition at that point, didnt know it of course, and my midwife said sure we can transport if that is what you want, and i immediately knew it wasnt. just a split second of fear. That part of my birth story is what my family remembers best! and always wants to bring up! so annoying. especially because it was just one tiny detail in a huge amazing experience.

[indiana ima]

Originally Posted by TurboClaudia

...asked me after our homebirth if I "ripped" (her word) because all of the women she knows who have given birth have torn their perineums painfully and requiring stitches. I told her that no, I didn't tear. I also told her that one way to avoid tearing is to remain upright and squatting when pushing and to have a care provider support the perineum during pushing. ...

on shabbos i went to synagogue with my hubby and our three kids. everyone was surprised to see me because i'd given birth tuesday night/wednesday morning.
i met a woman there (she was wearing a nursing dress and i made some assumptions from that - silly me) and she oohed over my daughter and said she was impressed that i'd made it to shul. i felt garrulous and explained that i hadn't torn and it made a huge difference in how i felt. i was recovering oodles faster this time and i believe it's because i wasn't wounded. so she says "i know i don't even know your name but can i ask you a personal question - did you have an episiotomy". i was shocked! didn't i just say ... wait, i guess an episiotomy isn't exactly the same thing as a tear... it was such a surprising question. anyway i said something like "oh goodness no! i gave birth at home with a midwife and she doesn't cut anybody!" she looked a touch surprised but to her credit she didn't say anything innapropriate - or at all, actually.

oh, and for me squatting (on a birth stool - with my older daughter) didn't prevent tearing but giving birth on my hands and knees did.

[ebethmom]

Originally Posted by indiana ima

oh, and for me squatting (on a birth stool - with my older daughter) didn't prevent tearing but giving birth on my hands and knees did.

Same here. I had one small labial split - not deep enough to warrant stitches. It was sore for a bit, but healed MUCH faster than the second degree tears that I had with ds's induced hospital "PUSH PUSH" birth.