This has got to be one of the HARDEST times EVER in my entire life!!!! I am due any day with my second baby and this morning I received the news that my grandfather lost his battle with cancer. He was only 62 
It's been a long time coming and I expected it, but I hoped and prayed that he would at least be able to see the great grandson that he wanted so badly and be able to celebrate just one more anniversary with my grandmother(it would be 43 years next month).
Of course it doesn't make it any easier for me even though we all knew it was coming. He fought so hard for so long and this morning my grandmother and my dad talked to him and told him that he didn't have to fight anymore and that they loved him. Fifteen minutes later,he took his last breath. Although there is some peace in knowing that he is no longer suffering, this is still an extremely difficult time.
My DH is in the military so we live 2,000 miles away from our families. I have only seen him 4 times in 3 years. The worst part for me is that when we moved away 3 years ago, he was healthy and now he is gone. Also, since I am so close to delivery, I am not able to travel to attend the funeral which I think is so important so that I am able to accept that he is gone and to go through the grieving process. I did not see him during the last(and worst) few months of his life so I only have memories of him before the cancer, which is a good thing in some ways, but I just can't admit to myself that he's really gone. I am also afraid that if I start crying, I may never stop.
He kept telling people that he was fighting to stay alive so that he could see his "little boy". He was so excited that he was FINALLY going to have a great grandson after 6 great granddaughters. I feel extreme guilt as if it's my fault because I know he thought that I might be mad at him is he didn't fight. Of course I didn't want him to die, but I also didn't want him to suffer and be miserable. He was breathing, but he wasn't really living. It must have been so awful to see that everyday.
My grandma never left his side for anything, she never complained and she never let herself cry too much around him. She was and is still being so strong. I have so much more respect (didn't think that was possible) for her and I hope that I am able to be like that if there ever comes a time that I am dealing with such a situation.
I have never in my life witnessed two people who had such a deep love for each other. They have taught me a lot about marriage and just life in general. I hope to be like them as I get older. There was just so much respect and pride in their relationship. By pride, I mean that they were proud of each other's accomplishments and were truly happy when the other succeeded.
The icing on the cake is that I had to send my daughter to Louisiana with my mom and sister because I have NO ONE here but my husband and I need him with me for labor and delivery. I really feel as if I won't be able to go through that on my own. I also need him to be there to go with the nurses if they need to take him away for anything(he's rooming in with me) because I don't want them trying to sneak bottles or pacifiers to him and I DEFINITELY don't want him circ'ed. I am NOT prepared to deal with people who may try to circ without permission. There will be another death if that were to happen.
I am in California and my dd is 2,000 miles away and I am sad beyond belief. She's been gone about 12 hours and I miss her so much it feels like my heart is literally being ripped out. I have NEVER been apart from her and I am worried sick that she will not be ok without me. I called 4 times today and she is doing well so far but she is not coming back until Thursday or Friday and I don't know how she will handle it for that long. She's so little (20 months) and she doesn't understand a thing that is going on. When she gets back , there will probably be a new baby here. I did NOT want her to be introduced to him like this. I wanted her to slowly get used to me having another baby. Meaning, she would come to the hospital and get to meet him, and see me holding him for a while, but also paying lots of attention to her. Then she could see me nursing him and holding him a little longer. I did not want her to come home one day and just have a new little person living in our house taking up a lot of the time that used to be only hers.
I feel so sad for my little girl. I know kids are very resilient and these circumstances are beyond my control. I'm pretty sure she won't remember this but I feel so terrible because I had to send her away for a few days. One thing that makes me happy is that my grieving family gets to spend a little time with her and that is one bright spot in this awful time, but I need my baby here with me.
I don't know how I can be happy about this new little life when another's has just ended. I mean I love my son dearly and I am so glad that he is coming into the world very shortly, but I guess I feel guilty because this is such a terrible time and I feel I shouldn't be happy during all of this. I know my grandpa wouldn't want me to feel this way and I know he will be there with me in spirit but it's just so hard to be dealing with this all at one time. It's almost more than I can take.
Sorry that this is so long but I really had to get this out. I hope this all makes sense too.
It's been a long time coming and I expected it, but I hoped and prayed that he would at least be able to see the great grandson that he wanted so badly and be able to celebrate just one more anniversary with my grandmother(it would be 43 years next month).Of course it doesn't make it any easier for me even though we all knew it was coming. He fought so hard for so long and this morning my grandmother and my dad talked to him and told him that he didn't have to fight anymore and that they loved him. Fifteen minutes later,he took his last breath. Although there is some peace in knowing that he is no longer suffering, this is still an extremely difficult time.
My DH is in the military so we live 2,000 miles away from our families. I have only seen him 4 times in 3 years. The worst part for me is that when we moved away 3 years ago, he was healthy and now he is gone. Also, since I am so close to delivery, I am not able to travel to attend the funeral which I think is so important so that I am able to accept that he is gone and to go through the grieving process. I did not see him during the last(and worst) few months of his life so I only have memories of him before the cancer, which is a good thing in some ways, but I just can't admit to myself that he's really gone. I am also afraid that if I start crying, I may never stop.
He kept telling people that he was fighting to stay alive so that he could see his "little boy". He was so excited that he was FINALLY going to have a great grandson after 6 great granddaughters. I feel extreme guilt as if it's my fault because I know he thought that I might be mad at him is he didn't fight. Of course I didn't want him to die, but I also didn't want him to suffer and be miserable. He was breathing, but he wasn't really living. It must have been so awful to see that everyday.
My grandma never left his side for anything, she never complained and she never let herself cry too much around him. She was and is still being so strong. I have so much more respect (didn't think that was possible) for her and I hope that I am able to be like that if there ever comes a time that I am dealing with such a situation.
I have never in my life witnessed two people who had such a deep love for each other. They have taught me a lot about marriage and just life in general. I hope to be like them as I get older. There was just so much respect and pride in their relationship. By pride, I mean that they were proud of each other's accomplishments and were truly happy when the other succeeded.
The icing on the cake is that I had to send my daughter to Louisiana with my mom and sister because I have NO ONE here but my husband and I need him with me for labor and delivery. I really feel as if I won't be able to go through that on my own. I also need him to be there to go with the nurses if they need to take him away for anything(he's rooming in with me) because I don't want them trying to sneak bottles or pacifiers to him and I DEFINITELY don't want him circ'ed. I am NOT prepared to deal with people who may try to circ without permission. There will be another death if that were to happen.
I am in California and my dd is 2,000 miles away and I am sad beyond belief. She's been gone about 12 hours and I miss her so much it feels like my heart is literally being ripped out. I have NEVER been apart from her and I am worried sick that she will not be ok without me. I called 4 times today and she is doing well so far but she is not coming back until Thursday or Friday and I don't know how she will handle it for that long. She's so little (20 months) and she doesn't understand a thing that is going on. When she gets back , there will probably be a new baby here. I did NOT want her to be introduced to him like this. I wanted her to slowly get used to me having another baby. Meaning, she would come to the hospital and get to meet him, and see me holding him for a while, but also paying lots of attention to her. Then she could see me nursing him and holding him a little longer. I did not want her to come home one day and just have a new little person living in our house taking up a lot of the time that used to be only hers.
I feel so sad for my little girl. I know kids are very resilient and these circumstances are beyond my control. I'm pretty sure she won't remember this but I feel so terrible because I had to send her away for a few days. One thing that makes me happy is that my grieving family gets to spend a little time with her and that is one bright spot in this awful time, but I need my baby here with me.
I don't know how I can be happy about this new little life when another's has just ended. I mean I love my son dearly and I am so glad that he is coming into the world very shortly, but I guess I feel guilty because this is such a terrible time and I feel I shouldn't be happy during all of this. I know my grandpa wouldn't want me to feel this way and I know he will be there with me in spirit but it's just so hard to be dealing with this all at one time. It's almost more than I can take.
Sorry that this is so long but I really had to get this out. I hope this all makes sense too.
2 Oh mama, I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you can't go be with your family because of your impending labor. I am positive that your grandfather felt your love for him across the miles, and that he understood and understands your circumstances preventing you from being there for his passing and his memorial service.
