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Have you ever put your kid(s) in daycare? - Page 6

Poll Results: Have you ever put your child(ren) in daycare?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 44% (109)
    never have, never will
  • 6% (17)
    no but I plan on it
  • 24% (60)
    yes, part-time
  • 24% (60)
    yes, full time
246 Total Votes  
post #101 of 221
Originally Posted by Nate
Oh, and it's NOT about having a big house, 2 cars, fancy vacations, etc. It's about having our own home in a semi-decent neighborhood, w/in walking distance of playgrounds & parks, w/ neighbors that dd can play w/; having a car that doesn't break down every month; being able to buy organic food so that I don't worry about pesticides in her diet (not to mention in the environment); and visiting grandparents occasionally. (And saving for college & retirement, having health insurance, etc.)
I just wanted to agree with this! It's all about priorities, and we all have different ones. You are providing your children something that many (not all) SAHM's cannot -- because they are things that require more money than they have. And, these things can be just as important as having a mom who stays home with you all day long.

One thing my working mom taught me by working is that women can be career women and raise a happy family at the same time. She taught me true work ethic and it's probably the most valuable gift she's given me. At no point in my life did I ever feel like I didn't need to or have the right to work -- because I saw my mom do a FANTASTIC job of working in a high level corporate position and STILL be the best mom in the world to me! We did EVERYTHING any of my friends with SAHM's did.

I am absolutely not trying to say working moms are BETTER than SAHM's -- I am a SAHM right now! I'm just pointing out, and agreeing with you that they love their children just as much as a SAHM does. And, they do not make the choice to work (in most cases) so that they can drive a BMW and live in the ritzy part of town.
post #102 of 221
Originally Posted by Nate
It's about having our own home in a semi-decent neighborhood...w/ neighbors that dd can play w/;
Whoops, I want to clarify b/c when I read this quoted by SafeMommy it sounds REALLY snobbish! I just meant that we're living in a neighborhood where there are other children dd's age.

Yikes. :
post #103 of 221
Thanks for sharing your POV, WOHMs.
post #104 of 221
I'm going to skip over the six pages of what just seems like the same old SAHM/WOHM/BS to comment that I think you might find this interesting:

If you look at it closely, you'll find only ONE person here answered "yes full time" ALONE.

There's 56 never have, never will
9 no but I plan on it
34 yes, part-time
and 35 yes, full time
(results so far, of course)

Now 56+9+34=99 so that means all 34 of those who answered "yes part time" also answered "yes full time" like I did. (Assuming that none of the other answers make any sense together.)

Dh and I have both been SAHP, did PT childcare when we worked different shifts for a while, then when they were old enough--3 & 4--to go to this great preschool, I got a great new job and dh and I worked the same shift. (I'm assuming here that great preschools are still considered "daycares" by self-righteous SAHMs, so called this FT daycare in the poll).

Anyway, on a non-AP board (if looking for differences is truly your motivation--cough, choke--) I suspect that there'd be more in the last category. But that's just a guess.
post #105 of 221
My son is 2.5 and has never been in daycare as I am a SAHM.

However, I know that I probably will go back to work part time before both kids are in school. I will hold out as long as I can. Oh, and it's not for financial reasons, either.

There are some careers (maybe many?) where it just isn't possible to take 10 years completely off and expect to still be able to work in that field and be productive later on. And while I love being a SAHM to my kids, I definitely never wanted to be a "housewife" who is still at home even after the kids grow up and don't need me as much. I have a need and desire to be a productive member of society in other ways in addition to raising children.

I'm all for AP, and I think staying home with children at least the first year, preferably longer, *if financially possible*, is optimal. However, I think children can also blossom with having other loving, stable caregivers in their lives once they are of a certain age. Remember, in the tribal cultures mentioned in a lot of the AP literature, the kids weren't home with just the mom, they had a lot of other people looking out for them, they spent a lot of their time around other children of the community, and in some cultures the moms were out WORKING while grannies and aunties watched the (weaned) children. Sort of an ancient version of daycare, dontcha think?
post #106 of 221
Originally Posted by gratefulmom
What does get me mad (and if this is aimed at certain mama's out there I cant feel bad) is when a SAHM hires a nanny to help her out with her children.
I was considering a nanny instead of part-time daycare for my son. I felt like having someone in my home would cause less distress for both of us, but ultimately found a great daycare that fit our needs. Of course, I wanted to do that because I own my own business and I needed to get back to it in order for it to continue to thrive (and keep us in house and home!) and I thought maybe a nanny would give me a little more freedom of hours, etc. So, I guess my situation is different than a traditional SAHM... of course, I don't see any issues with a SAHM hiring someone to help out. I mean, would you feel the same way if a SAHM had her mother or someone else helping out?? Is it the help or the money?
post #107 of 221
to the original poster ~

i put my son in full-time daycare for a semester while i was in college, not because i wanted to but because i had no other choice. i needed the financial aid money so that we could survive.

now i will be working out of the home again, and leaving my two kids with their father, who will be a stay-at-home dad (assuming i can find a job ).

his business just recently failed, which is why i'm trying to find work.

it's not that we want two cars or a big house or whatever. it's that we need $money$ to pay rent, electricity, and phone service. and at some point i would also like to get out of debt...

we have no car ~ we've never been able to afford it. recently our internet service was shut off because we couldn't pay. if i can't come up with $50 by oct 1st our electricity will be shut off. i hate working and leaving my kids but it's a necessity. i've been pumping like mad so that my newborn daughter will never have to taste fake baby milk. we've been scrubbing diapers by hand for weeks because we have no money to do laundry with. i recently had to ask my dad to spare $20 so i could buy some interview clothes at the thrift shop, because my only work-worthy clothing consisted of a pair of khakis, which got ripped recently when i took a fall on our concrete walkway outside.

i'm just fortunate enough to have a partner who is willing to watch the kids, but if i didn't, i'd still have to leave my kids and work, and try to afford daycare on top of it.

please ~ to all mamas out there, try not to judge working mamas. it's harder on us than you can possibly imagine.

eta ~ there are so many inspiring WOHM's here. s
post #108 of 221
I don't mean this in a snarky way, but I don't really understand how anyone can say "never have, never will." Maybe it's easier to be certain if you don't have much earning power to begin with--like I can see how it wouldn't be a hard choice between a $7/hour retail job vs signing up for food stamps and WIC and Medicaid. But are there really SAHMs here with earning power in the 30s, 40s, or more who would refuse to look for work if their husbands lost their jobs? I feel like I would have been failing my family if I had NOT gone back to work when my husband was laid off. We had enough savings that I could have stayed home a few more months, but then our cushion would have been exhausted and in the meantime we would have had no health insurance. My going back to work right away meant that we had an income and health coverage right away. Meanwhile my husband has been working on freelance and consulting projects trying to get an income stream going, and while he was able to simultaneously do the SAHD thing in the early months, once DS got a little older DH was just not able to do both. He could not go to an executive board meeting and sell a $10K consulting service while juggling a fussy 9-month-old on his hip, you know? And I had exhausted all of the leave time I could take off to care for DS while DH went on an interview or to a meeting. So we had to start DS in daycare about a month ago. It is not the worst thing in the world. He has fun there, and the other kids light up and greet him when he arrives. He is the youngest there and the others fuss over him. He's getting a social experience he almost *never* got when DH was trying to work at home and take care of him at the same time.

When I get home I wear him in a sling from the moment I get home until it's time for bed, only taking him out to have dinner and a tubby. He goes to sleep in my bed and nurses as much as he wants all night long. AP practices help me to make the very most of the time we are together. As a PP described, when you WOH you get very little downtime to relax at home and do personal things. We have a "rule" in our family about not doing any "personal" zoning out kind of stuff (internet, magazine-reading, etc.) while DS is awake, because every moment he is awake in our care is precious. We plan weekend activities around what we think would be fun and interesting for him, and try to get all our mundane errands accomplished during my lunch breaks at work.

Before all this I had the mindset that any couple can delay conception and organize their finances so that daycare would not be necessary. I thought people who said they "had to" work just weren't very good planners. I have been really humbled by the challenges of the past year. You really can't plan for everything, short of being independently wealthy. I just hope that those of you who would judge a mom in my shoes will continue to be blessed enough to never have to walk in them.
post #109 of 221
Well, I'll respond, as that is how I voted that way. It seemed the best answer for my situation. No, I don't have much earning power. This is the one of the reasons we made the decision for me to stay home in the first place.

If DH was laid off and couldn't find immediate work and I could, sure I would go back to work. But then he would be staying home with the kids, so no daycare needed. If he, then found a job, I would be able to go back home.

I do work out of my home, but it is certainly not enough for us to live on for any length of time. I really do not have any judgement against working mamas. It makes me very sad that this thread has become that way. This is what has worked for us, though.

post #110 of 221
Originally Posted by wakeUpMama
I don't mean this in a snarky way, but I don't really understand how anyone can say "never have, never will." Maybe it's easier to be certain if you don't have much earning power to begin with--like I can see how it wouldn't be a hard choice between a $7/hour retail job vs signing up for food stamps and WIC and Medicaid.
there is a time limit for welfare benefits. you get kicked off after a very few years (varies from state to state). you are REQUIRED to WOHM. (which cracks me up, btw, that some of these same WOHM/daycare-bashers i have seen in other threads bashing moms who are on welfare... : explain that one to me.) so especially if you receive benefits you can't say "never will."
post #111 of 221
Just lurking on this thread....

So the original poster has now abandoned what she started?
post #112 of 221
I can say "never had, never will" because my kids are 16 and 12 and they have never been in daycare NOR have they ever stayed with a babysitter. So, if I chose to work or had to work now, they would be able to care for themselves.
post #113 of 221
To whoever it was commenting about how they thought there would be more SAHM - the way the poll was worded makes it skewed statistically. Why?

Because many moms HAVE (in the past) put a child or children in daycare but CURRENTLY are SAHMs! The only options I HAVE put my child(ren) in daycre. No option for "I have in the past but currently am a SAHM".

Also there's no option for "I don't use daycare by my child is cared for by a trusted friend/family member or his/her own FATHER while I work".

Also Dr. Sears is talking about infants. So there is also no option for - "I stayed home while my child was an infant but now that my child is a toddler/preschoolers/in school" they are in daycare/preschool.

So if the purpose of this poll was to truly see how many moms here were SAHM's or how moms here use daycare compared to a mainstream board - the poll itself missed the mark for that - so the results aren't going to be accurate.

(yes - I loved statistics class in college. )

For me - I AM a SAHM - but checked "I have put my child'ren" in daycare". Because I had my oldest in daycare for 6 months so I could qualify to be on mat leave for a year with my ds (who I was pregnanct with by the time my mat leave with dd was over). Then I also used daycare for my children (then ages 2,3,4) while I was on complete bedrest with this twin pregnancy. So I have used daycare but I AM a SAHM.
post #114 of 221
I'm seeing a really huge assumption that people are mostly talking about infants and bonding here, while most of us have children of varying ages. All the talk about breastfeeding and such leads me to think that the SAHMs who "don't understand how we WOHM do it" are really thinking about infants. I suspect that colors everyone's reactions to this whole topic. Lets remember that children aren't always infants. Even the most dedicated breastfeeders stop eventually!

I'm also a little annoyed by the assumption that, if you child is in some type of childcare situation during the day (even all day, everyday) you and your partner are not his or her "primary caregiver". Just on hours alone, if a child is in daycare even 10 hours a day, then they are with parents for a longer period (24-10 = 14). And that doesn't count weekends, holidays, daycare closed days, vacations, etc. And the equation is different for the many of us who work or study part time. Seems like an incorrect assumption that is fueling differences that don't really exist.

I'm beginning to think that this whole debate is really the result of a lot of assumptions made by both sides that aren't true. Which makes it pretty silly to continue, don't you think?
post #115 of 221
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom
Which makes it pretty silly to continue, don't you think?

I've learned a lot in this thread.
post #116 of 221
Originally Posted by wakeUpMama
Maybe it's easier to be certain if you don't have much earning power to begin with--like I can see how it wouldn't be a hard choice between a $7/hour retail job vs signing up for food stamps and WIC and Medicaid. But are there really SAHMs here with earning power in the 30s, 40s, or more who would refuse to look for work if their husbands lost their jobs?
I didn't answer that way but I probably could have at this point - and that is not meant as a daycare bash for WOH as I have used daycare for my other children when I was a single Mom. But at this point in my life I think I can reasonably say "never will" because if DH loses his job then yes I would look for work and if I got it DH would stay home until he found work - we still wouldn't be using daycare because we wouldn't need to. I know that is not the case for everyone, but that's just our case.

I currently work 3 days a week around DH's schedule but we are selling our home and downsizing so that I can be a full time SAHM, and my earning power is way above the 30s to 40s. I make double what DH makes plus perks, and his salary is pretty decent.

I know this isn't what you meant in your post wakeUpMama so please don't take offense but this post got me thinking about the nasty comments I've heard IRL from other working Moms who tend to assume that the only women that become SAHMs are those with little earning power. : That's a little personal pet peeve of mine.
post #117 of 221
Why do we have to keep having this argument? Why do moms who do use daycare have to say "but I did for a very good reason, so don't get mad at me"? Can't we quit with the hierarchy of mother(saint)hood here that deems SAHMs best, then single moms who do daycare because they MUST, then so on and so on.

I doubt that many of the few, few people in this world who are working solely to afford huge houses and cars, etc. are posting here. Since they're not talking, let's quit acting like they're part of this conversation. The people here who work do it for many reasons---personal fulfillment, to provide a life for children that includes saving for college, whatever. That's their choice. But I assume that the people who post here are "attached" and loving moms regardless of their working status. What they have chosen obviously works for them. Many moms who have kids in daycare feel quite ambivalent about it, too, and judgmental posts like this one aren't welcome. I put dd in daycare part-time because I was going crazy staying at home all the time and dh was mad that I wanted to go out by myself and do something every evening. Now that I'm working two days a week, I worry whether the daycare is a good place for her, esp. now that we're in the full-fledged separation anxiety phase. So for women who have felt like I did and do now, I guess we're SOL. If you aren't happy never leaving your child to be alone (or alone with dh), then something's wrong with you, apparently. If you feel able to carefully choose caregivers that are trustworthy and (gasp!) leave your child in their care, you're baaad. How would the OP feel if I said that I just don't get people who have so little trust in everyone that they can't find a single person besides the child's father that they trust to leave them with for an afternoon? Would such a comment put you on the defensive?

Oh, I could ramble all day, but it wouldn't be productive.
post #118 of 221
There is lots of love through this thread, and that is the important thing.

Blessings all you adorable loving mama's.
post #119 of 221
Ok this thread is kinda scary, and I am not sure if I have a anything new and incredibly brilliant to add but I am going to try. We all are different and that is what makes us great. Some are SAHM's and feel fulfilled and don't need a job for finances or any other reason and that is great for them. We are all wired "differently". I love children and connect with them easily. Discipline comes easy as well as imaginative play. So I stay home and also have a home daycare, as we do need a second income, and caring for children is my "gift". Now others "gifts" are as healers, counselors, doctors, and a myriad of other things. I have a wonderful friend who loves her children deeply, but mothering does not come naturally to her, so for her her job is a renwal. She gets adult interaction and mental stimulation, and her children are with a loving adult and get play, interaction, positive discipline, and when they go home to her mother she is more rested and ready to give them the love they need from their mother, which I as a provider could never replace. I do love them immensely and my son calls them his sissies. And how could more people that love children ever be bad. Just because I am paid to care for them, doesn't make me love them any less. There are a huge array of people and best situations for them, so lets not judge and throw stones. If you have found a great situation for your family, feel blessed and enjoy, and wish for all people that they find that balance for themselves, in whatever form it takes.
post #120 of 221
safemommy... i couldn't have said it better !

I have NEVER felt as if someone else was raising my child or that I wasn't the primary care giver even though my child has been in dc since a year for 6 -7 hours a day full time.

How I discipline, nurture, love, positively reenforce plays a MUCH larger role in his life than any dc provider has. What I do with him when I'm at home has a much bigger impact on his behaviour, his growth, and overall person than what anyone else does with him.
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