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Have you ever put your kid(s) in daycare? - Page 9

Poll Results: Have you ever put your child(ren) in daycare?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 44% (109)
    never have, never will
  • 6% (17)
    no but I plan on it
  • 24% (60)
    yes, part-time
  • 24% (60)
    yes, full time
246 Total Votes  
post #161 of 221
I'm on my way!!!

Originally Posted by Calm
You should all do what we did! We moved to Australia! No guns! Little crime! (go figure) You are paid 700 dollars every two weeks to stay home with kids! Natual living! Beach down the road! No fears of safety! Unlocked doors at night! Naked babies at the parks and beaches! Its absolutely lovely. Moms can be stay at home mums without fears of income loss. And I mean all this, it is all fact.
post #162 of 221
Nikki, thanks for the input on Canada.
We here in the US (government)have no clue as to taking care of the family as a unit.
post #163 of 221
Before everyone gets their hopes up, please note it isn't the easiest thing to expat to Oz! Just a word to the wise.
post #164 of 221
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd

I have a question - do you WOHMs feel like you have to work harder to maintain a bond with your DCs than you would if you were SAHMs? My theory is that if you are a baby's primary caregiver, a strong bond naturally develops.
Well here's your problem. I am my daughters primary care giver - even though she is in day care 45 hours a week. I'm STILL her mother - and she knows it. Of course, the bond naturally develops. Case in point - I watched my daughter take her first tentative steps at 13 months. She felt safe and secure. It was another week before she started taking steps in day care. That's how I know they were her first. She knows we're her parents and she feels safest with us.
post #165 of 221
Very true, Playdoh. I should have mentioned that. It is possible, but the paperwork will send you blind. Canada is apparently similar to Oz (except the weather, lol), and easier to move to. For a more easy lifestyle money-wise, that is a good idea too. And closer! It makes me wonder, it is probably a 'Commonwealth' thing, any country that is a part of the commonwealth is probably the same.
post #166 of 221
Since my first dd was born, I have worked part-time, been in school part-time, worked full time and also stayed home full time. I have actually enjoyed all of those different scenarios.
I am very strongly attached to my dds and resent the notion that because someone isn't a full time SAHM...that someone is less attached, less committed, a bad mother.
Women...mothers...have so many stereotypes to contend with in our society. We have judgements thrown at us for all sorts of decisions. Why can't mothers be more supportive of other mothers?
To the OP...you are a young, new mother. Kudos to you for feeling so secure in your choices thus far. But you don't know in what ways you will change over the next few years and in the course of your child's life. Don't judge other mothers who have taken a different path. You may be on that path a year from now. You never know.
We are all doing our best to love, nurture, support and guide our children as they grow.
post #167 of 221
Just me, sending out love.
post #168 of 221
"Obviously single parents have no choice but to put your kids in daycare just so you can afford new cars and a huge house?"

Destiny's mama, did you mean, "....have no choice. However, to put your kids...."

Because if you did, I think it makes all the difference. I think many mothers here are reading that you are saying that they are single parents working to get better things. When in fact, I read it to mean that you are saying single moms have no choice, but it is not so good to put kids into daycare for the sake of it.

Am I right? If I am, I read that as non-offensive to anyone on this thread. Not one reply has mentioned they put their kids in daycare for any reason other than necessity (personal or financial). So therefore, we should see the OP for what it is, and all just stop taking offense.

With love.
post #169 of 221
No, I understood how she meant it. But I felt that it was a presumptuous thing to say. Most of the dual-income families I know are not putting their kids in daycare just so they can afford new cars and a bigger house. They are doing it so that they can maintain some semblance of a middle-class lifestyle at all, perhaps live in a good school district, repair their 8-year-old car when it breaks down.

I know her statement lets moms like me "off the hook" from her judgment because I work for financial reasons. But you know what? I don't need her permission or her pity. That's what's got the WOHMs here riled up--well, that plus the suggestion that you can't really be AP if you WOH.
post #170 of 221
I think that even if people "just" work for a bigger house it's none of destiny mama's business. If these are attached parents who love their kids, they probably just have different priorities than the parents who want to be with their kids no matter what. Maybe they grew up poor and it affected them a lot? Maybe they want a better neighborhood with better schools?
post #171 of 221
I dont think Destinysmama cares or thinks about anything other than sitting higher and taller on her self righteous high horse.

She has been online posting but abandoned her thread that i have no doubt only meant to stir the pot.
post #172 of 221
I also think THE best way for a child to be well attached is to have two emotionally mature, well-grounded parents who are consciously responding to their child with love, patience and understanding. I can't see how the pinacle could possibly be about how many hours an infant's feet have dangled in a sling, or who is sleeping where. I don't believe in formulas that somehow magically add up to some utopian AP parent. Until we have a perfect world (read never) there will never be any perfect parents - even here in AP land. We need to get over all this parading of lists & realize it's not so much about what you do - AP is about who you are.
What Bippity said.

I don't know why I'm posting here again , but I feel this uncontrollable urge to...

I don't know much about the OP. But here's what I've been able to glean from her posts:
1) she's 24--reasonably young, in our culture, to be a parent
2) she doesn't have a degree (this isn't a judgment, just an observation--I know there are tons of wonderful, intelligent women on this board who don't have degrees)
3) she doesn't *seem* ever to have held a fulfilling job.

Or so you can feel fullfilled or useful by working? I never really wanted a big career I guess so I just don't get it, to me my career is my family.
DM, if you're still reading this at all, it sounds like you've found your identity being at home w/ your children. And that's wonderful for you!

There was a time for me (also when I was in my 20s, and I hadn't yet found my vocation) when I would've been happy to be a SAHM.

But...I had my dd at 36. I've worked my entire adult life, and I'm now in a career I find fulfilling (and no, it's not particularly "high powered," but I'm an academic librarian & I get to help researchers, students, and health care practitioners every day--and that's pretty rewarding!). I love my dd so much it hurts. But once you've achieved some financial independence, as well as interacting w/ other smart, interesting adults every day, it can be VERY hard to give that up. WOmen who work ft & then become SAHMs have a very high rate of depression. And I just can't see that being home w/ a depressed parent would ever be in the best interests of a child.
post #173 of 221
I can't seem to stay away either.

What Nate said. And Bippity too.
post #174 of 221
If I was the OP I wouldn't come back either - look at how she's getting flamed! Ever think maybe she's not coming back to post because she's hoping this thread will die out and she can get on with her life?

I can understand how some people took offense but if you go back and read her original post IMO she just comes off as someone that is being honest about her feelings - she doesn't understand the desire to be a WOHM - and she is expressing that and then asking for feedback. I may not agree with her feelings because I've been on both sides but I do respect her desire to come here and express herself and ask for comments. What's so wrong with that really?

In the midst of all the arguing back and forth there were some really great nuggets of wisdom in this thread and I for one am glad to have been reading it.

Now you can all flame me.

post #175 of 221
Thank you, Kitty. I was going to post something similar.

Would I return to a thread where I was so flamed and also a profile of me was provided for everyone to see? NO.

If anyone wants a Let's Analyze Destinysmama thread, please go start it elsewhere. It doesn't contribute anything valuable here.

I will state again that because of the posts here, I have learned a lot and given much to ponder. I'm glad Destinysmama started this thread. It came at a time when these issues were on my mind and I was going in circles about them.

post #176 of 221
Originally Posted by Nate
WOmen who work ft & then become SAHMs have a very high rate of depression.
Do you have any links or references for this statement? Sounds like it is a fact and I'd love to look at the research! As a librarian, no doubt you have the data.

I wasn't aware that simply working full time and then switching to SAHM carried those mental health risks. I think women should be warned about that so they can prepare and perhaps not be at home.
post #177 of 221
Kitty - I think the OP was pretty inflamatory and judgmental towards anyone who works and isn't a single mom. I am a SAHM, and I'm seeing this. I imagine some of the wonderful working mamas here were quite stung. By the 9 pages of response, I would guess that I'm right.

There are lots of things the OP could have done or said to smooth those feathers, but she didn't. She could have even said something to the effect of, "Well, this is the way I feel, if you don't like it, too bad. I'm done with this thread." But, again, she didn't.

I find that disappointing, and indicative that she didn't think how this topic and her wording would affect people.

post #178 of 221
is WOHM working out of the home mom?

i'm a WOHM. my 4 month old ds is in daycare full time. at the end of my maternity leave i started getting really depressed about going back to work. i thought i was going to spiral into some serious PPD (having felt a little depression on and off since he was born). to my surprise i feel GREAT. i feel like i have life balance. i love my job. i love the people i work with. i love making money so i don't even have to think twice at the grocery store about what i'm buying. we'd be scrimping hardcore on one salary (and the thing is that i'm teh primary breadwinner so if anyone were to stay home it would be dh)

i also love the daycare i chose. i went and looked at six and there is a huge range in quality. i go at lunch every day to nurse and not once has ds been crying or anything. he doesn't seem unhappy at all. he gives big smiles to the ladies when we get there in the morning. dh has lots of days off randomly because he works construction so ds gets to stay home with dad or go home early a lot of times too.

i hold ds all evening and play with him before i give him his bath and he goes to bed. dh usually cooks dinner. i look forward to seeing his cute little face every day after work. and we really look forward to weekends

i hope someday to work 3 days a week instead of 5 but for right now everything is going great.

i was thinking this morning that it kind of surprised me dh said he is going to leave work early next week for ds' 4 month doctor appointment. so i was thinking how sweet of a dad he's being. he LOVES ds and is so cute with him...and he was kind of reluctant to becoming a dad. he isn't huge on the maintenance of the baby like diaps and bathing but i thought to myself that wasn't bad at all because i look forward to doing everything for him since i don't see him all day. when i was at home full time i wanted dh to do *everything* once he got home from work because i was tired of doing it all day.

i think everyone is different and there isn't one right answer to being a good mom. i had a SAHM growing up and it was AWESOME. as ds gets bigger i don't know what i'll end up doing. maybe 3 days a week or 5 days a week but getting off at 3 so i'm there after school. time will tell
post #179 of 221
I should've known someone would ask me for the studies! I can only find one right now, but I know I've seen something more recent. Unfortunately, that means searching PsycInfo, a database I HATE, and I don't have time right now. Here's what I've found so far.

Depressive symptoms and work role satisfaction in mothers of toddlers

Olson AL, DiBrigida LA.

Department of Pediatrics, Dartmouth Medical School, Lebanon, NH 03756-0001.

OBJECTIVE. To determine the incidence of depressive symptoms in mothers of toddlers in community pediatric practice. The interaction of employment and work role satisfaction with depressive symptoms was also investigated. SUBJECTS AND METHODS. Depression screening measures were completed by 233 mothers of toddlers (aged 12 to 24 months) at health supervision visits in two community pediatric practices in New Hampshire. Depression was evaluated with a depressive symptom screening inventory modified by Barrett, Oxman, and Gerber from the Hopkins Symptom Checklist for use in primary care population. Data were obtained on parents' socioeconomic variables, hours worked, and whether the mother was satisfied with her current role of being employed or not employed. RESULTS. Depressive symptoms were present in 42% of mothers. Rates of depressive symptoms were similar in employment groups but varied significantly with work role satisfaction. When both employment and satisfaction were considered, mothers who were dissatisfied were 3.7 times more likely to be depressed. After controlling for work role satisfaction, mothers working part time were half as likely to be depressed as mothers working full time and not employed. CONCLUSION. Depressive symptoms are a major problem for mothers of toddlers in middle class pediatric practice. Work role satisfaction and employment status together are related to depressive symptoms.
It looks like what the researchers found is that
a) women who had been in careers (as opposed to just a job) were more likely to be depressed/conflicted
b) women who work part-time have the lowest depressive symptoms (lower than FT WOHMs or SAHMS)

Of course, there are plenty of studies pointing to high rates of internal conflict/anxiety/depression in professional women who return to work, so basically we're just doomed whatever we choose.

Also, was that comment about "analyzing" the OP directed at me? I was basing it only on what she's provided w/in this thread (haven't seen her elsewhere around here), so it's all pretty much common knowledge. And it wasn't meant as a "don't pay attention to her b/c this is all she knows" comment, it was a "this is where you're coming from, but think of it from another pov" sort of thing...
post #180 of 221
Originally Posted by Nate
WOmen who work ft & then become SAHMs have a very high rate of depression. And I just can't see that being home w/ a depressed parent would ever be in the best interests of a child.

I'm a WOHWoman convert to SAHMom, and I'm not depressed. In fact, I am happier now as a mother! And I look forward to resuming some sort of career in the future (may not be exactly what I used to do, and hopefully, it isn't; bc my old career required 12 hour days and that wouldn't suit my new life as a parent).

I think this is a broadly generalized assumption. I know lots of mommies who had careers and became parents in their mid-late thirties, and they all seemed absolutely thrilled!!! Maybe it has helped us that my friends and I live in an urban setting where it is so easy to meet people and socialize even as a parent?
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