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Have you ever put your kid(s) in daycare? - Page 5

Poll Results: Have you ever put your child(ren) in daycare?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 44% (109)
    never have, never will
  • 6% (17)
    no but I plan on it
  • 24% (60)
    yes, part-time
  • 24% (60)
    yes, full time
246 Total Votes  
post #81 of 221
My first child was in full time day care. I worked full time.

I have been blessed with a hard working husband who happens to make enough money for me to stay at home with both our kids now. I love it. It's what I wish for every child.

However- if I've learned anything from hanging out at parenting forums for 5 years now, it's that you*can*never*know*the*complete*story behind a mother's choice to put her child in day care.

Quote:
I love being a sahm and wouldn't have it any other way. To be honest I have a hard time understanding wohm's. Obviously single parents have no choice but to put your kids in daycare just so you can afford new cars and a huge house? Or so you can feel fullfilled or useful by working? I never really wanted a big career I guess so I just don't get it, to me my career is my family. My heart breaks for the moms who would love to be sahm's though and just can't for financial reasons. I would probably cry my eyes out every day if I had to do it.
DestinysMama, be confident and proud of your own choice to keep your kids out of day care. But this topic, and what it boils down to is sahm vs. working moms, invariably leads to hurt feelings. And what is the point? Is it to save some child from some time in day care, or is it to vent righteous feelings of snarkiness? What is your motive?
post #82 of 221
Oh, and Cloverlove, your post #40 stated really well a sentiment I just couldn't put into words. Thank you!

I'm 36 y.o., dh is in similar circumstances and I cannot wait to go back to school. Fortunately, ds starts 1st grade next year...

post #83 of 221
Never have, never will.

When I was in college, Morgan either stayed with dh or my mom and now that I'm a SAHM I hope I'll never have to leave again.
post #84 of 221
Quote:
If you stay home with your kids because you love it and it makes you fulfilled and you feel it is for the greater good, is that not inherently as "selfish" as combining working and mothering because you love it and it makes you fulfilled and you feel it is for the greater good?
Just answering for myself here. Yes, your logic is correct. The emotions behind the decisions are the same.

But it's different if you compare staying home with your child because it is what's best for your child, despite not wanting to stay home, despite the fact that your satisfying career will wither, compared to putting your child in daycare so you can enjoy your career.

Dang, I wasn't going to do that. Really! Honestly, mamas, we need to support each other here.

And to the mama who said she was thinking of leaving mdc because there are just so many ap mothers who seem to be judging with religious fervor, I think if you count the number of responses that are clearly coming down on the side against daycare, you will find that is the small minority.
post #85 of 221
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom
But it's different if you compare staying home with your child because it is what's best for your child, despite not wanting to stay home, despite the fact that your satisfying career will wither, compared to putting your child in daycare so you can enjoy your career.

Dang, I wasn't going to do that. Really! Honestly, mamas, we need to support each other here.

This is what I was trying to say. And I sort of regret even bringing it up, too. What it boils down to is honestly examining your choices and the motives behind them, and if you can still sleep at night, then it's all good.
post #86 of 221
Hey DestinysMama, IF you are still reading this thread, here's a tip for you: When you start up your in-home daycare, don't treat the WOHMs who come to you with judgement, pity, and disrespect. believe it or not, that is actually something i do NOT look for in a child care provider. i find that i can get plenty of judgement, pity, and disrespect for free.

:

i don't know why i'm bothering to post, this debate is not going to go anywhere. but this just makes me so furious.

right now i have a babysitter come to my house 12 hrs per week while i'm in class. this leaves me no time to actually study and do my work - if i could afford 20 hrs per week i would do it. when i finish school, i will have to work FT and ds will be in daycare FT - like he was during my internship this past summer - and that's all there is to it. if you are willing to pay off my student loans, pay my rent and bills, and buy my food, then we can embark on a philosophical discussion about fulfiillment vs materialism and all that crap. if not, don't even start w/ me.

my sitter has a 3 yr old son. when she was pregnant w/ him she worked as a cleaning lady. she worked up until the moment she went into labor. the day after giving birth, she put her baby in the stroller and took him to work w/ her. if she had been able to afford child care i'm sure she would have, but instead she took him to work every single day for the next year. tell me, how does she fit into your analysis?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CortLong
Never have, never will.
wow, cortlong, when were you blessed with the gift of foresight? i sincerely hope that you are right, and that you will always be so fortunate. but like my mama says, never say never.

oh, and whoever asked about the fathers
i don't have a dh/dp, but if i did, the issue would be 100% on the table. those of you who are anti-daycare, why yell at the moms for working outside the home? why not yell at the dads for not staying home? 2 very good friends of mine will be having a baby any day now. she will be going back to work after 2 mo; he will be staying home indefinitely. her work is both more financially reliable and more personally rewarding; it makes perfect sense. if he continued to work as well, his income probably wouldn't cover child care costs. and i really commend his courage in being able to buck the stereotypes and societal pressures. hmmm... i think i wandered OT.

sorry
post #87 of 221
I heard about this thread on the Working Mamas forum, and came looking for it. (Uh-oh, does that make me a troll?) I really try not to get into the mommy wars, but can't help myself here.

No, we don't use day care right now, b/c dh is a SAHD. He has been since dd was 13 months. I make more money than he did (despite his PhD) b/c he wants to be a writer. So he's home, writing when he can, and I have the benefits.

I'm more AP than any of the SAHMs I know. (So there! )

And I don't say that to be competitive at all. But working has forced me to be AP--much more than I otherwise would be. And I know that I'm setting a good example for dd--not that you HAVE to work just b/c you have an education, etc. But DH & I are showing her, by our examples, that you can do what you love professionally and be successful (or moderately so) at it, and at the same time do what you love in your personal life--and not go totally trying to balance the two sides. AND you can do both and maintain a loving, supportive relationship w/ your life partner, while s/he also does what he loves.

It's not always easy, but it IS possible.

Oh, and daycare? We may get to the point where dd goes part time--not b/c of a WOH job for dh, but he may get to the point where he NEEDS to have 3-4 hours/day to himself to get writing done. So no, we don't use it & I'm glad we don't (having one more thing to do in the mornings would quickly send me over the edge) but it hasn't been ruled out.

I'm rambling, and I have things to do.
post #88 of 221
Quote:
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
Here is what I find ironic - that it's OK to say that you made a "choice" to work for personal reasons, but if someone were to say they made a "choice" not to breastfeed for the same reasons, they would be flamed to a crisp. Just something to think about.
Personally I don't think those women should be flamed either. I am assuming that they made an informed choice and while not the choice i made, it is theirs to make and not mine to critisize. By the same token it is not somebody elses place to critisize my cosleeping, BFing, working or not... Maybe if we spend less time flaming others the feeling truly would be one of a village where all mothers are supported.
post #89 of 221
Quote:
Originally Posted by nuggetsmom
Personally I don't think those women should be flamed either. I am assuming that they made an informed choice and while not the choice i made, it is theirs to make and not mine to critisize. By the same token it is not somebody elses place to critisize my cosleeping, BFing, working or not... Maybe if we spend less time flaming others the feeling truly would be one of a village where all mothers are supported.
post #90 of 221
Everything said in post #86.
post #91 of 221
Speaking as a SAHM, I don't see anything that can come from this thread but animosity and hurt feelings.

I'm home with my kids because we would actually be losing money if I was still at my old job. I wasn't work that I loved, nor was it ever going to be. It was an hour from where I live. And I was feeling very passionate at the time about wanting to stay home. We figured we could manage it on one salary. I do seasonal work for my father (mostly on the computer), that I can do at home. It's not much, but it is a little. If the money at my old job was better, or it was work I loved, it would likely be a different story.

I would never pass judgement on a family that had both parents working, just the mother working, or single parents. We are all doing our best for our children. Playing the "I'm better than you because of X," does nothing productive.

AP is not about employment.

I just wanted to let all you WOH mamas know that not all SAHM feel this way.



Bec
post #92 of 221
I don't have the time or desire to read this entire ridiculous thread - so I never got past the first page. So, forgive me if this has been pointed out already.

The OP really skewed the poll results the way she wrote it, so that it appears the majority of the AP'ers here are SAHM's. Well, if you add up the percentages of the full-timers, part-timers and planning tos -- they outweigh the SAHM's by 59.84% to 40.16% respectively. Even if you move the "planning tos" over to the "SAHM" side, the working moms still outweight the sahm's.

So, if this truly was an "experiment" to see if AP'ers CAN muster to put their child into daycare then YES, you can practice AP and put your child into daycare at the same time. Clearly it is quite common on this AP board.

Let's remember, AP is ATTACHMENT PARENTING in which moms attach with their babies by breastfeeding, slinging, co-sleeping, not CIO, gentle discipline, combined often times with Natural Parenting practices such as not vaxing, cloth diapering, organic feeding, etc. NO WHERE have I ever read that a requirement of an AP mom is staying home. Not even in Dr. Sears' books. They are NOT mutually exclusive.

So, if you want to debate SAHM kids vs. WOHM kids - you'll have to come up with something different than AP to back your theories.
post #93 of 221
I want to say that I enjoy this thread. I dont enjoy the SAHM vs WOHM war but as a Mama who feels she needs to go to work more to even get by, but does not want to leave my babies it has been interesteing to read.
I work very part time, out of the house maybe 5-6 hours per week. My DH works from home so he is here when I am not.
After DS1 was born I worked full time, although same set up. I make my own hours as does DH. I must say I love my job and yes I am needed in society.
However, I would do anything to not have to work at all. SO much happens in one day of my childrens development. I cant imagine missing soo much of it. And we are barely getting by. I am getting tired of bill collectors, tired of stresses about buying even food for the house. Financially I should be working a lot more.
It goes thru mind hourly about what I should do. But then when it comes down to accepting more hours I cant do it. I cant leave my babies. I cant have some one else raise my children full time. Recently a family member commented on not knowing something about her daughters level of reading. Her DD is in daycare full time and has been for all four years of her life. That just broke my heart.
Yes it can take a village to raise a child, but in those villages the Mama's are not gone all day every day.
I know that it is not always possibly to be at home with your children and yes I thank my midwives for being working mamas. That just doesnt work for me. And yes, there are times when I think some people could be home with their babies instead of sitting at a desk in corporate America.

What does get me mad (and if this is aimed at certain mama's out there I cant feel bad) is when a SAHM hires a nanny to help her out with her children . This gets to me because there are Mamas out there like me that would give anything to never have to work until our children are older.
Lets stick together Mamas. Hopefully we do feel that our individual choices are the right ones. If not time to change our choices.
post #94 of 221
Quote:
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
I never said women should not go back to work at all, ever. I do think it is best for BABIES to bond with one primary caregiver, and I think that person should ideally be one of the parents. I understand that this is not always possible, for a variety of reasons.
Here's one of the problems with this sort of debate. You think babies should be bonded with a parent as primary caregiver. I think that yes, babies should be bonded with caregivers. But I haven't seen any good research that says a baby is only capable of bonding with one person (if this were so, my husband is going to be really surprised). Nor have I seen any good research that says that good, consistant, quality daycare interfers with bonding to parents or to other caregivers. Yes, there is lots of research on no bonding and failure to thrive, but its all in really wretched circumstances (orphanages and such). And if being gone for 8 hours a day meant baby didn't bond with that parent, babies in SAHM families would never bond with their fathers. And I doubt that's true for most of the SAHMs here. Therefore, my conclusion, based on research and on personal experience, is that good daycare doesn't interfer with my bonding to my children, or my husband's. It may even be good because my kids have more people they are bonded with in their lives.
post #95 of 221
This may be beating a dead horse, but I'll go ahead and respond anyway. My son began part-time in-home daycare when he was 15 months old. He has flourished in so many ways. I see his social skills rising, he has come out of his shell and his motor skills have really taken off. He has such a great time there, and gets very excited whenever we pull up in the morning. However, we have many bonding experiences when I am at home with him (which is very often).

The thing is, before I went back to work, we were struggling and pinching every penny. I personally do not want to live like that. I want to be able to give my children everything they need without giving it a second thought. I like it that we own our own home in a good neighborhood and drive a nice car. I also do like getting out and going to work. Just as I enjoy my time with adults, my son enjoys his time with other children.

When our next baby comes, we will be cutting back the hours and she will attend approx. 12 hours per week, and then I will do more work at home. I am doing this mostly for the germ factor, as the other preschool and school aged kids come in the afternoons and I don't want unnecessary exposure to illness. I feel that we would bond no matter what.

I feel that each parent makes their own personal decision about what is best. Who am I to say that what I do is better than someone else or that I care about my child more or less than other moms?

All I can say is that I am satisfied with my decision to return to work and I feel that everyone is benefitting from it.
post #96 of 221
Why do I feel compelled to keep posting on this thread? I have this urge to continue to explain myself, it's really becoming a problem.

I have a question - do you WOHMs feel like you have to work harder to maintain a bond with your DCs than you would if you were SAHMs? I have always thought that you do, but I could be wrong about this. My theory is that if you are a baby's primary caregiver, a strong bond naturally develops. This is not to say that you cannot have a strong bond if you are not the baby's PG (like a WOH parent), but it takes more effort. This is why I think being a SAHM during the child's early years is the ideal situation. It's not a matter of bonded or not bonded, it's a matter of degree and ease.

And of course, babies can bond with more than one person. But I do think it is beneficial to their development to have one special person they can always rely on to take care of them. Let's not downplay the importance of Mama in our "it takes a village" zeal. And, you can absolutely be that person if you are a WOHM. It's just a lot harder.
post #97 of 221
famousmockngbrd, may i suggest that if you are truly sincerely asking these questions out of curiousity and interest in the issues - and i think you are - that maybe you should start a new thread? cuz this thread is a bloody battlefield, people are feeling a wee bit defensive around here.

in answer to your question, however... this is my first child, so i can't really compare. because i am in school i am really part sahm and part wohm. when i was working ft over the summer, i did have to struggle to give him my full attention and focus during the time i was home. that was really, really hard (and important). it did make me feel sad and frustrated and tired, but i didn't feel that our bond suffered. it was only 3 months tho. as for my part time wohm-ing, no, i don't feel that i have to work "harder" to maintain the bond. thanks to ap, i feel confident that our bond is strong enough.
post #98 of 221
Quote:
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
I have a question - do you WOHMs feel like you have to work harder to maintain a bond with your DCs than you would if you were SAHMs?
No, not really. I am a SAHM for most days of the year, and I don't find that it effects us either way.

Quote:
I have always thought that you do, but I could be wrong about this. My theory is that if you are a baby's primary caregiver, a strong bond naturally develops.
That explains why I don't feel like I have to work harder, then, according to your theory -- I am my child's primary caregiver -- even though I WOH, and even though my husband is a very involved parent. For the majority of hours every day, and for the majority of the days of the year, I (with the cooperation of my husband) am my child's caregiver. Not only do I provide more of his care than any other person, I also provide the majority of his care. I think that makes me his primary caregiver.

That's not including the fact that I make all the decisions about his care, that's just sheer amount of the day-to-day care that I provide.

Quote:
But I do think it is beneficial to their development to have one special person they can always rely on to take care of them. Let's not downplay the importance of Mama in our "it takes a village" zeal. And, you can absolutely be that person if you are a WOHM. It's just a lot harder.
My husband would be a little insulted by this. My child can count on both of us, me and my DH, to take care of his needs -- always, no matter what. The only thing I can do that he can't is nurse, and nursing is far from the only need my child has.

I think that it's good that he has more than one person that he knows he can absolutely rely on to get his needs met.

So, in that sense, I just don't know that I agree with your premise that it's beneficial to have just one special person who they can rely on to take care of them -- because I think at the minimum they should have two.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, just to explain my POV.
post #99 of 221
Quote:
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
I have a question - do you WOHMs feel like you have to work harder to maintain a bond with your DCs than you would if you were SAHMs? I have always thought that you do, but I could be wrong about this. My theory is that if you are a baby's primary caregiver, a strong bond naturally develops.
hehehe, hehehe, ask my DH about that. DD is definitely bonded to him, but he'll tell you that he's NO substitute for Mama.

My dd is amazingly bonded to me, always has been. I don't think I've had to work harder than SAHMs do. I *do* think that being WOH made me a bit stubborn about things like BF'ing--pumping for a yr., EBF, CD'ing, etc. just to show that it could be done--even WOH FT, even after having a reduction, etc. But I don't think of that as working hard to maintain a bond--I think of it as working hard to make sure that bf'ing didn't end early just b/c I was working. Now I have a happy, healthy 18 mo who tells me that nursing makes her happy, who's very free w/ hugs & kisses, is generous w/ other children, and who comes running up behind me when I'm making dinner, hugs my legs, and runs off again.

Yes, it makes me sad sometimes that I miss daily things like playgroups, etc. I'd love to be able to work pt, and someday hope to if dh's writing takes off. But this is what works for us right now, and for the most part it works fine.

Oh, and it's NOT about having a big house, 2 cars, fancy vacations, etc. It's about having our own home in a semi-decent neighborhood, w/in walking distance of playgrounds & parks, w/ neighbors that dd can play w/; having a car that doesn't break down every month; being able to buy organic food so that I don't worry about pesticides in her diet (not to mention in the environment); and visiting grandparents occasionally. (And saving for college & retirement, having health insurance, etc.)

Yes, a higher standard of living than most people in this country (let alone in the world), but not by any means extravagant. We get movies from the library, cancelled cable long ago, order pizza or Chinese once/week & that's pretty much it, etc.

I sound defensive, but I'm really not (generally). I do get annoyed at the implication by the OP that I somehow love my dd less than she loves hers, just b/c I work (and probably would pt even if I didn't have to). But I consider that more of an educational mission than anything else...
post #100 of 221
I think there may be some confustion over the roles of a WOHM in her child's life. WOHM's don't just hand over her responsibility to anyone willing to take it, just to pick it back up at 5pm, feed it and put it to bed only to wake it the next morning and drop it back off again.

WOHM's love their children JUST AS MUCH as SAHM's. In order to form a bond with your child when s/he has spent a large portion of their day in a loving daycare setting, you must sacrifice a lot of your own time in the evenings, on days off and on weekends in order to spend a great deal of quality time with your child.

For example, my best friend works full time. Yet, just like many of our SAHM circle of friends she has a membership to the children's museum and the science center, and also participates in the neighborhood pool parties, the library and the zoo. She is still breastfeeding her 2 year old, co-sleeps with both girls, etc. She is 100% dedicated to her children when she is with them. How many SAHM's can HONESTLY say that they dedicate 100% of their energy to their children 100% of the time that they are with them? SAHM's need THEIR time as well - and must take it from their children's time. This is NOT a bad thing as we all know children need their own alone time as well. But, for a WOHM - she must take her own time at lunch breaks, driving to and from work, after the kids are in bed, etc - if she wants to build a strong bond with her children in the few hours every evening and days off she has to spend with her kids. It is a true juggling act that if done correctly and with love, only goes to show just how DEEP a mother's love can be for her children.

So, please don't think that someone else is raising a child of a WOHM. Someone else is only SHARING in this joy. WOHM's who are AP parents and want to bond with their children must work VERY hard to accomplish all that -- and I know SEVERAL who do it quite successfully!
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