how to deal with relatives

[apmammaof2]

Hi everyone,
I am a newer member and have not posted much. My DS is due any day now and DH and I have decided not to circ. I've been putting off telling my mom and dad about this for a while as I know they will not agree with our decision and I will have to really hear about it and I do not need that kind of stress during my pregnancy. I have all the info to give them that DH and I reasearched and that my midwife gave us, but to be completley honest I am just plain scared to tell them, Why should they even care? he is OUR son right. Well, this I know but nonetheless it is still a major issue for me. Anyone else delt with this and have advice to share?

[mattemma04]

Congrats on the impending birth of your son! You are right- there is absolutely no need to discuss your son's genitals with your parents/in-laws.

Every parenting choice I have made since pregnancy has gone against the norms of my parents/in-laws,lol

If anyone should bring it up I would just give the most shocked expression and say," My God why in the world would we want to cut off any part of our child.That is just horrible and we would never even consider it?!?!? "

Ofcourse they will bring up all the myths to which you just reply," All those have been proven false."

Hope you have a wonderful birth!

[menudo]

First of all-DO NOT bring it up. If anyoen does (anytime soon) let it be them! My Dad brought it up the day of DS birth. My case is slightly different though. We let my Dad spew out all of the reasons we MUST circumcise DS and said "Wrong, wrong, wrong" til my Mom caught on and asked if DH is intact. He is. LMAO My Dad was very embarrassed after just saying all these myths in front of an intact man! Also, Dad considers himself very Catholic-so I fouund links showing the Popes condemning circumcision. Mom stopped them from getting to Dad b/c they'd put him over the edge...lol

I had another family member scream "Why isn't he circ'd!!!!!" while I was changing him. I simply said "because it is NOT necessary and I am not cutting off any of his ppenis!" Or the neighbor who acted like her sons circ. was normal so I flipped it 'Oh my God-why would you do THAT?" The time was right, be carfeul on that one.

But they may never bring it up, so don't sweat it!

[KellyB]

Good luck on the birth!
As for telling the rest of the family...
Whenever you feel the need to bring it up (I'd suggest waiting till way after the birth) I'd just mention it casually. Maybe they won't make a big deal out of it?
If they do, just counter their arguements (myths) with what you know (facts).
I'm kind of dealing with the same thing...I keep waiting for one of my inlaws to say something more about it. If it comes down to it, I'll just go ahead and tell them that I've decided that sexually mutilating infants is a horrendous, nauseating practice that really shoud be banned.
If they want to push it further, I'll suggest we all sit down in front of the computer and watch a live circ. video together and then continue the discussion...
LOL...I imagine that will either squash the conflict, or win them over to my way of thinking. Who knows, maybe you can vicariously save a few other little boys by informing others about the truth...???

[My2Matthews]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I would say you have probably done the right thing by not saying anything yet. I told my mom I was against circ when it casually came up before I ever even got pregnant. It spread like wildfire around the family and by the time I was 8 weeks pregnant and we told everyone, my relatives were absolutely up in arms about our decision. I lived with the harassment the entire time I was pregnant and it was a huge stress factor. They even tried talking to my husband without me knowing to convince him to convince me to circumcise. :

My in-laws, on the other hand, didn't hear anything about it until they came to visit him in the hospital after he was born. They asked, "Has he had his circumcision yet?" (This was out in the hall before they came in.) My dh told them, "No, and he's not going to be." They gave a few protests about the usual myths, and his aunt chimed in, "Be sure you keep him really clean!" But other than that, they didn't have much time to say anything. That's the way I would handle it if I did it all over again.. just not say a word about it until they do, AFTER the birth!

[Mewsin]

Congrats on your being able to meet your son soon!

My lines were............."Don't you touch my son." Mind you my Grandmother was the only one to bring it up.

[polka123]

Congrat on keeping your DS intact.
The family did not even bring up the subject. I got 1 comment about "how he did thru the circ?" & I said,"Fine, cuz we did not do it."
A few folks that were there when we changed dipes & were informed, "BTW, he not circ'd"
& left it at that.
I will not debate the issue with any of them.

[Frankly Speaking]

We have to remember something here. That is that there are two reasons these people advocate circumcision so strongly.

First, there is true concern for your child. They have heard all of the myths and rumors and truely believe them. They think you son is going to be constantly sick with an infected penis and that it is going to rot and fall off. This is purely ignorance and if dealt with properly, should give them a relief that you have educated yourself and are going to save your son from unnnecessary medical procedures. You could start with:

"Did you know that circumcision was started in this country to try to keep little boys from masturbating and when that didn't work they tried to find medical justifications? Did you know that the AAP and every other medical association in the world has been searching for something that circumcision will prevent and cure for more than 30 years and now know that it will prevent and cure nothing? I've decided that if it won't cure or prevent anything, there is no reason left to put him through a extremely painful experience and run the risk of surgical complications."

For those who genuinely care, that should be the end of the discussion.

The second reason is that a happy and healthy intact child is a defacto condemnation of their choices for their son or what happened to their child without their permission or the state of their own penis. You don't even have to say anything, just the sight of an intact child will garner this reaction. These people willl continue to push for the circumcision of your son because they are acting from a defensive position, not a reasonable and logical one. They are more interested in defending themselves than in doing what is best for your child even though it will be cloaked in feigned concern. That defense is to attempt to maintain the status quo by making sure that everyone else doesn't act differently than what they have done. Those you just give a very stern "We made the best choice for our child based on current medical research and recommendations and that is the end of the discussion." followed by a look that communicates that the issue is not up for discussion and if they persist, WWIII is going to be the result.





Frank

[Hoopin' Mama]

Congratulations!
I too am expecting a boy soon and have been wondering how this is going to go over with my mother-in-law, who already likes to mention how "different" I am (and not in a flattering way). We decided that we aren't even going to bring it up, and when they realize it, just calmly say "of course we didn't circ, we know now that there is no medical reason for it". My only advice is to make sure they know how to care for it if they are going to help out with the baby, my friends mother retracted his infant's foreskin for cleaning because she didn't know any better, poor baby.
I like your idea of having all the research on hand to show them, I'll make sure to do that too. Also my dh is prepared to fully defend it so that the backlash is not on me, the "different" one.

Good luck, happy birthing!
Stacy


PS- I'm new here, what does the d in dh, ds, dd stand for please?

[Evergreen]

You don't have to say anything now, and you don't even have to say anything later. Let them figure it out for themselves.

[apmammaof2]

Thanks everyone for your advice and support.
I guess the only persons opinion I really care about is DH's. I really think I will wait till after the birth to even mention it if it comes up otherwise they will find out @ their first diaper changing! I already spoke with my pediatrician and she informed me all about not forcibly retracting ect... Unfortunatly my friend who's son is also not circ'd recently did not have that info (and I assumed she knew) actually retracted poor little guy (it was already loosening) and he got a pretty bad infection. Kind of freaked out DH when I told him about it but then when I told him that all we need to do is make sure EVERYONE who cares for him knows better he was okay.
It is soooo sad that so many people are so uneducated on this that this is even an issue.
All I can do is hope that by people like us making the decisions we have can start steering things the right direction right???

[Red Sonja]

Good luck with your relatives, maybe they will surprise you. When my mom found out we weren't circ'ing she mentioned that my stepdad thought that circ'ing was horrible and would never have circ'd a son. When they came for a visit last week my stepdad thanked me for not circ'ing DS. I never knew any of their opinions beforehand, though.

My stepmom found out when she changed his diaper, but didn't comment on it. I'll find out if the rest of my family has any comments when I see them at Thanksgiving. Then again, they already think we are weird because of breastfeeding, cloth diapering (I'm sure they would have lots to say about cosleeping as well), so I'm sure this will be another topic of conversation for them.

I hope things go smoothly for you!

[TiredX2]

I wouldn't bring it up.

Then if anyone said anything I would say, "Oh, the AAP no longer recommends RIC." I would assume and act like it isn't a big deal, because it isn't... it's "normal."

And go from there...

[Marsupialmom]

I agree with TiredX. Don't mention it. When and if they bring it just state that the AAP doesn't recommend it anymore.

[Mummoth]

It wasn't an issue with our parents... my parents only had girls, so never had to make he decision for themselves. DH is intact, so we were fairly confident of what his parents' opinion is. However, my extended family turned out to be pretty pro-circ!! Word got around, and they cornered me during a diaper change at a family dinner. They tried to scare me with horror stories of infections & such. DS started crying during the diaper change, so I just said to him, as if he'd understood every word they'd said "Don't worry Roland, no ones going to hurt you, you're going to stay INTACT!" Then I picked him up & walked away.

[Benji'sMom]

So don't tell them. you don't need their permission before you do it. Let them find out when they see your perfect baby when he's at home and in one piece (if they HAPPEN to see you changing his diaper or something like that). If they say something, it'll be too late anyway, so it won't matter. The less of an issue you make of it, the less of an issue it is. I didn't discuss it with my parents, and I never said anything about it after DS was born. No one in my family ever made an issue of it. And if they do, i'll just say, "I just left him the way God made him, and he's perfect the way he is, that's all."

[Quirky]

I guess I'm the opposite...I just WISH my pro-circing inlaws and family on dh's side would bring it up, so I could give them an earful on the harms of circ. The harms that all 3 boy cousins of ds' on that side have suffered - the last one just recently, even after we sent dh's brother the Fleiss articles.

I saw my MIL do a double-take when she saw ds' intact penis at the beach when I changed him out of his wet bathing suit. Wonder if it's the first one she's ever seen?

[apmammaof2]

I dont really even know what to say after I review all my responses. I find it really sad that that this is even an issue for people who are leaving our children "normal and intact". Even so, it is comforting for me to know there have been many others in my shoes. My mom is the big one, I have a really messed up relationship with her, we love each other very much, but she has never stopped using that love as a very messed up way of trying to control me, even now when I am 27yrs old! I know most of you dont care or even want to know about my personal issues, but this can help explain why this is such a HUGE issue for me. Dh and I are very sad that this whole thing (which I know will come up!) is actually putting a small dark cloud over what should be a very beautiful and exciting time for us. Anyways, I just want to say thanks again for your support and encouragment. DS will be here anytime now, so I wont be posting much, but I am sure I will use this forum alot in the future.
Thank you all!
Amy

[zaftigmama]

Congratulations on both the upcoming birth of your son and the great decision to leave him intact.

My family was (and still is) so opposed to my decision. I thought for awhile that I may end up without a relationship with my parents at all, but it didn't come to that. I know that you mean about the dark cloud, and that horrible feeling of impending doom. Especially about such a blessed event.

Some things that helped me were - the AAP's stance. My parents usually buy what big medical organizations are selling. When I showed them the AAP statement, it had an effect. Also, circumcision isn't being covered by certain insurance companies because it is considered an elective surgery. I asked my parents who would elect to have un-neccessary surgery on a tiny baby??

When it came down to it, I told my parents-Look. This is my child, and my decision. You had your chance when you raised me to do what was best. And you did what you knew was best at that time. This is my time to be a parent. And I'm using the knowledge available to me to be the best parent I can be and make the right decisions. I had spoken to my OB, my ped. and I told them that, because they have the whole "Dr's are god" mentality. Sad, but it worked for me.

Also, I knew I was saying that I believed what my parents believed was wrong. So they were defensive from the beginning. But you know what? Times change. And as I keep telling them, "When you know better, you do better." My mom honestly believed that manmade formula was better, that's fine. I know better now, so I made a different decision. Are you supposed to ignore all recent relevant medical discoveries because your parents didn't know them when they were parenting you??

Be strong, it may be hard for you. Hopefully they'll fall in love with your beautiful son and realize there is no way you would harm his genitals for no reason. Good luck!! I wish you a speedy and safe birth.

Take care!

[karlin]

I really thought my family would freak out about, so I never mentioned it, and neither did they. The nurses at the hospital kept asking us, but seemed fine that we declined (they didn't try to concince us or push us or anything). To this day, I have only discussed it with my siblings, and only just recently (my brother asked last week if ds was circ'ed, and he looked horrified when I said, "Hell no!!"...but that's a different, sad post).

Anyway, to my surprise, no one ever said anything when he was little. DH said that MIL actually told him that she regrets circ'ing him....which is cool. The thing is, no one changed his diaper but me and DH for a really long time, so no one really knew (but honestly I'm not sure they actually cared).