Anyone just put your foot down with dhand insist on homebirth?

[Quirky]

So, as per my "OMG! OB tried to scare my dh out of homebirth," dh is now officially freaked out at the idea of homebirth (or the birth center, when I pointed out my homebirth CNM would have all the same gear the birth center does!)

I gave him three articles to read counteracting the Pang study my OB friend cited. We haven't discussed the topic yet but it's clear I didn't change his mind.

So I'm thinking....maybe I should reframe. Instead of trying to convince my dh we should homebirth, maybe I should tell him that I AM going to homebirth because a) I've done exhaustive research and b) it's my body and my birth, unless he does the research to convince me otherwise.

Kinda like the intactivists telling expectant mamas to flip the question - make their dhs do the research to prove circumcision is necessary, and make the default intactness instead of the other way around.

Has anyone had the experience of insisting on a homebirth against dh's wishes? Any thoughts, advice, etc.?

[Quirky]

Nobody? I've got the only anti-homebirth dh around?

[Electra375]

I picked up some books from a friend after I was fired from my OB. And the top book was Homebirth as I was getting in the car my dh said your not having a baby at home. I told him I wasn't putting the idea totally out. Remember I wanted to have Zachary at home -- of course that ended in a c/s because of the hospital.
I have heard tons of dh say no at first. My dh never said yes, I just kept plodding along finding a midwife. After my dh met with the midwife he still didn't say yes, but didn't say no either.
He came around. I would bring to light several things I was reading and told him this is what I wanted.
He wouldn't have a baby in the hospital ever again.
I've got to get off-line right now, but PM if you have any specific questions/ concerns about dh attitude.

[MistyD]

Please pardon me if you have already tried this but has your Dh talked to your midwife? I think a lot of times husbands feel better about HB after asking a midwife lots of questions. Or, do you have any IRL friends that had HBs? If so maybe the dads could talk with your husband. My dh was supportive before birth but became a big advocate AFTER the birth, he always tells other dads how "easy" homebirth is compared to the hospital, lol.

I think your idea is a good one. I imagine you have done years of reading and research on the subject. What has he done?

Hey, have you seen this link? http://falcao.best.vwh.net/ronnie/homesafe.html Tons of info and lots of overviews of studies.

Good luck and may you have a peaceful birth.

[raynelady]

Hi Quirky,

My partner didn't say no--he rarely just outright says no, especially with regards to anything to do with my body. But he did freak. We had our first daughter at a birthing center, though, so when he learned that the midwife would have anything the birthing center had on hand then, that helped him. But he still wasn't at all comfortable with it. He realized, intellectually, that he wasn't being rational, so we talked endlessly about cultural issues relating to the image of a medical/nonmedical procedure. We talked about cultural issues relating to the medicalness of birth. (Robert and I talk about these kinds of things A LOT, though, so this was a natural way to process for us.) And while we kept on talking, I started interviewing midwives. When I realized that a friend of ours was a midwife (I just never knew what she did--I felt totally silly), I had her come for a consultation with Robert and with my mother (who was going through the same process as Robert). It took some time and a few more visits with the midwife before Robert became comfortable with the idea. And now, as I'm entering the last leg of the pregnancy, he's becoming nervous about the idea again.

But I think it was an easier process for us (since we'd had a birthing center and midwife birth already, rather than a hospital birth) than it will be for you. I don't think I'd just put my foot down and insist. But then, I can't Robert putting his foot down either. So I guess I can't say how I would handle the situation. Good luck. It sounds like a very stressful situation.

Karen

[ashleep]

My dh was against the idea at first. But after switching OBs 3 times before 21 weeks(they all treated us like idiots and wouldn't give us straight answers on anything), and having him read a couple of homebirth stories written by dads (I think one of them is on this site, maybe in the dad's section?), he finally agreed. I think he just had to open his eyes and see how important it was (is) to me, and the overwhelming studies & people in favor of homebirth vs. the few studies that are against it. Not to mention neither of us have ever trusted 'the system', and hospitals fall into that category for us.

If I were you, I would just keep bringing it up periodically and get him to read as much as you can. I didn't notice in your post- how many weeks are you? We didn't decide on our homebirth until around 30 weeks, so you can change your (his) mind at any time! Good luck to you and let us know the final decision.

[Electra375]

Most dh I know of didn't read what their wives gave them. It was suggested to me to read to him in the car, I summarized what I read and basically did say I am doing this. I told him what I researched about the hospital "incase" we needed to go. He kept telling me I couldn't handle the pain. I kept saying I was doing it at home. I finally had to tell him that I needed him to be supportive and no say stuff like that. A friend of mine was my labor support.
Eventually, I think he just decided to let me have a go at it and could say I told you do if I complained about the pain or ended up at the hospital. Never happened. I didn't let him stay in the same room with me during stage 1 labor, I didn't want him seeing me managing contractions. I did hold on to him for dear life in stage 2 -- pushing.
After it was all said and done, he is an advocate now. He tells everyone "she had her at home" and how great it was.
Sometimes we do need to stand our ground and be direct.

[Quirky]

Thanks for all the responses! Maybe I should have given a little more of the back story....ds was born, unmedicated, at the birth center that's less than 10 minutes from our house. DH had been less than thrilled about the birth center concept but came around, and was quite happy with the experience.

I, however, was not - I drew the midwife (1 out of 8 or 9) that I liked least, and ended up with: AROM, catheter, purple pushing, episiotomy, ds getting deep suctioned on my perineum for meconium staining, early cord cutting, then getting transferred to the NICU for rapid respirations, being there for 4 days, totally screwing up nursing (ended up exclusively BF after 3 months of hell)....in other words, a bad birth experience. About the only part that went right was hanging out in the jacuzzi and doing without the drugs, but everything else was screwed up and I believe ds and I paid the price.

So DH downplays my view of my experience there, and says "it wasn't so bad," and he thinks we should go back there. This time I want a one-on-one homebirth with the possibility of a waterbirth (not just laboring in water) and there is a grand total of 1 midwife available who is a CNM and does home waterbirths. (Overall I'm very lucky - large metro area, 3 birth centers available, 1 of which will do homebirths but you get whoever is on call). DH came with me to meet this midwife and we fought all the way home in the car (her office is an hour away) because he really wants to go back to the nearby birth center.

Then our OB "friend" sends him this scare-tactic email (see my other thread) telling him how dangerous and irresponsible homebirth is, and now he seems to be swinging away from homebirth OR birth center (esp. when I told him the homebirth CNM will have everything the birth center has) and towards the hospital. Which I will NOT do as long as I'm low-risk!

So you see my frustration..... This is why I feel like just putting my foot down and saying "I have researched this extensively, I KNOW what the evidence says and I and my baby are SAFER with a homebirth midwife in our own home, and you can support me or you can get the hell out of my way but I am NOT knuckling under to your irrational fears! Unless and until YOU do the research to prove to me that I should give birth in the hospital I'm doing what I know to be best!"

OK, thanks for letting me vent....

[Breathless Wonder]

I guess my Dh knows me enough, that once I set my mind on something, that is how it is going to be.

I gave him information. I summarized etc. but when push came to shove, he knows me, and he knows I am stubborn. I know that he was still scared all through the birth. And is now a HUGE homebirth advocate.

[jecaly]

i think that sounds like exactly what you should say to him. my dh has known since before we ever even started trying that i would want to give birth at home, so i can't give you a "mine feels the same way and here's how i dealt with it" scenario, but i think you sound awesome, mama, and know exactly what you need to have a good, safe, rewarding birth, so i think you will have one!

*jennifer

[candiland]

I know I said it on your other thread , but here goes again:

yes, my dh was very angry and did not even want to consider a home birth ... or a birth center birth, for that matter. I just told him that's the way it's going to be. Like it or leave it. Soooo......... he did not like it, but he did not leave us, either :LOL

He is now a huge homebirth advocate. We had both of ours at home. We had complications with our second... ya know, all the stuff they try to scare you with to make you birth in the hospital... and my midwife never batted an eyelash, never got nervous, just took care of it all as easy as pie. And we didn't have to move out of our comfy bed to go to a different room, go home, whatever....... we were already there

Now you couldn't get dh to set foot in a hospital. He blathers our homebirth stories to anyone that will listen and even now spouts off all the scary facts and statistics about what happens in the hospital setting. LOL

[LizD]

Just remember husbands haven't always been welcome in the birthing room- and that predates hospitals. I never asked about it or gave it a thought. For me it was this is where I'm having the baby, do you want to be at the birth? Both times it would've been ok w/me if he hadn't been there, but of course he was and was wonderful. Knows how to sit quietly and wait. But we both have complete confidence in nature being best; if your dh doesn't feel this yet, it would be worthwhile to bring him along a bit. Reading aloud, or calling his attention to internet articles while you're sitting there, might be good. With some skittish people, pointing out that there are some that do UC might make homebirth seem quite medical, conservative, and attractive. That could backfire so it depends on your dh. good luck!

[Electra375]

Because of my husband's reluctance, I did have a supportive friend act as my "doula" although her only experience is having birthed 4 children, one at home.
I was glad she was there. She made it to my house before my midwives. She was perfect, her auora was just what my birthing experience needed.
After your experience with the birth center I don't blame you!
IMHO, most CNM are too medical and will suction your baby. You need to asked these questions to the midwife you are thinking on hiring. Personally, my experiences with CNM have not been great. I absolutely go for the direct entry or lay mw.

[plantmommy]

I think that is a rather unfair generalization, since my cnm is very non-interventive.

[alexia_i_aa]

just did last night

I've been priming DH for HBAC. (Planning on TTCing next month.) DH was originally pro-OB/tests/etc. for the first baby and became OK with going with midwife/NCB. Unfortunately, our first experience with CNM/medwife in hospital was not good and ended in c/s unnecessarily after a bunch of interventions. Now, DH needs to take the next step :-) He's pretty negative toward medical establishment but hasn't embraced HB yet. Last night, he said, oh, Alexia, you're not giving birth at home, and looked him in the eye and said, as long as I'm in good health and the pregnancy goes well, you're not getting me near a hospital. He said, but we'll have to get a new bed! LOL if the mess is his biggest concern, I'm not worried. My plan is to drop some statistics now and then (he's a PhD-to-be scientist so he appreciates data) and when we're pg, we're going to talk to the DEM I've chosen. She's not legal here (NC -- screwed up laws), but my insurance said they'd pay and that's good enough for me. He'll come around.

Did you say you had him meet the new midwife and talk to her?

Alexia

[Jemper]

Both my homebirths were attended by CNMs ~ the first CNM was a pioneer for homebirths in CA. Found out later she actually was arrested years back and took her case to the CA Supreme court to legalize homebirths! The 2nd CNM is the only m/w attending homebirth in SE VA. Not all CNMs are medwives.

As to the original topic, I had to work with DH a bit with this latest homebirth. We're flying the asst. m/w out to attend (she lives in the states) since there are NO m/w practicing here. He's not crazy about it, but I just tease him that it's better than a UC! His big concern is what happens if something goes wrong, so we're talking through all the scenarios and he feels better after every conversation.

[zonapellucida]

Me

I just put my foot down on a UC. No more discussing it.

[mnnice]

Quirky--I don't have any advice, but feel as if I am similar spot. DH and I were talking about ds birth the other night and he was like, "I'm not sure I would change anything." From his viewpoint I gave birth to a completely healthy term baby without drugs. Sucess! I reminded him of my very awful and slow healing epi and how it hurt to sex for months. We are still conversing about it very civily at this point and I know we will get it figured out, but I feel like it's going to take awhile.

[Quirky]

Yes, dh went with me the first time we met with our midwife in person. And then we fought in the car all the way home because he felt like I had already made up my mind and this wasn't really a joint decision. Well, yes and no...this is what I really want but I really want him to be on board too!

I guess part of the thing is that although dh did a great job at certain aspects of labor support (the hypnobirthing part), I feel he didn't protect me from the medwife when she "suggested" AROM...catheter....episiotomy...etc. (Long story, but our doula didn't show up.) And he has stated plainly that he's not going to talk me out of something in labor because then I'll be mad at him later. So if I go along with something when I'm in laborland, then it's MY fault for not saying no, not HIS for not advocating for me.

So the bottom line is, I want to set up as ideal, non-interventionist, non-medicalized conditions as possible so I won't have to rely on dh to advocate for me with medical types (whom he just seems to trust implicitly). I do trust my CNM - I've discussed the suctioning, cord clamping, AROM, episiotomy, all the things that went wrong with my first birth with her and she's much less interventionist than my first medwife was. Her assistant is a direct-entry midwife, so there will be two people there to help me.

I so want dh to come around but my mind is made up, basically. He can either join in or he can get out of the way but barring a medical complication there is no way in hell I'm going to a hospital to have my baby.

[MamaGaia]

I tried and tried to convince my hubby to homebirth the last one and he was very reluctant but then ended up delivering our daughter at the hospital.Afterwards, he said,"Why didn't we just stay home?" So,this time it wasn't even a question. Now he's just trying to figure out who's going to take pictures while he catches the baby