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Okay, what about fathers? - Page 2

post #21 of 29
i strongly disagree that a good mom has to stay home, unless she "has to work"!

i think a lot of wonderful fantastic mothers do CHOOSE to work!

i am a great mom that stays home, but that is not what makes me a good mom.

my Aunt is a perfect working mom, by choice, and her daughter, my cousin, turned out wonderfully.
post #22 of 29
Originally Posted by sweetbaby3
I doubt it. Quite an assumption though. Why is it guilt you assume she is feeling?

My guess she's wondering *why* youre their in the first place while your husband is working. (i go and have lunch with my husband during the week too).
Well, mostly because she smiles at them, and says something like "I wish my kids were here, too," more often than not. I don't think she wonders why I'm there while he's working; it's fairly obvious that I'm either there to have lunch with him as a family or that we're there because we've run errands and I wanted to know if he was still at work after his shift ended (he frequently is.) Why the super-negative assumptions?
post #23 of 29
Because you weren't clear, thats why.

Had you mentioned her words, i would never have wrote what i did. You mentioned "a funny look", then wrote "maybe she feels guilty for working". Had you said "she looks funny sometimes, and she has told me I wish my kids were here too" i wouldn't have given the post a second thought.

As far as things being "obvious" (you there to have lunch for instance), its clear that it isn't always so.
post #24 of 29
Good thread...

I know my dh and I have struggled with this issue in our own marriage. He grew up in a family where his father's participation in the fam was to make money and that's it.... Mom did everything else. While my mom was a sahm for a good portion of the time, she did work occassionally and my father was WAY involved as a parent. (hmm... a good example of differences between two wah parents... ).

His idea of being a dad initially was just to provide. He felt very little pressure to be a parent in any sense that I felt and it was very difficult for me as a sahm. To say the least... I had some anger

My point... even though today is the 21st century... a lot of us were raised by 50's parents...and no different than our own children.... we do as we are taught.

I work with so many men... with so many wives at home taking care of the children and it really saddens me when I see them thinking it's perfectly acceptable to put in the hours they do and dis their family.... Now only if I could transfer some of my guilt of working out of the house (even though I happily have chosen this... a little guilt is still there)..to those dads that just don't seem to make their family the priority they deserve.

Any ideas?
post #25 of 29
Interesting arguments.

I see folks on this board a lot dissing mothers for leaving their kids and never mentioning the fathers' choices; it drives me absolutely nuts. (Especially posts that rag on mothers for leaving their kids WITH their fathers!)
I agree. I see this SO much (not necessarily on message boards, but definitely in real life). What is with this stigma that men are completely incapable when it comes to children? You always see commercials and TV shows with fathers fumbling with diapers, putting them on backwards, and doing other dumb things while trying to care for an infant. Ugh, it drives me nuts. Sure, there are idiot fathers out there, but there are idiot mothers, too. I've seen my share. :P

My husband was a SAHD for a good part of my daughters first 14 months. He recently decided to go back to university, but if he hadn't, he would be the one staying home with the baby while I worked. He LOVES being home with our daughter, and he's such a great parent. He's discovered "techniques" for washing cloth diapers that even I didn't know. He plays with her, he snuggles with her, he feeds her, changes her. He does everything the EXACT same way I would do it if it were me at home, only he has a deeper voice. :P

In our situation, I stayed home for the entire first year. We didn't have the option of pumping breastmilk, as our daughter refused bottles. She would never take one. So unless we wanted her to starve, I had to stay home. When he took over as the primary caregiver when I went back to work, he was a natural. The only thing that bothered me about the whole situation was how family and friends reacted, calling him Mr. Mom, and asking me if I was nervous leaving her with him, etc. Ugh, what's with the assumption that fathers make bad "mothers"? I hate that people still have old fashioned views. It would really hurt his feelings when people would snicker at him and comment on his obvious lack of parenting skills due to his disability of having a penis. MEN ARE PARENTS, TOO! I've always believed that parenting is a 50/50 job, and there are no "women's" jobs or "men's" jobs. We are both just as capable.
post #26 of 29
Nikki, i see your point. My husband is an excellent mother. Minus the breasts of course
post #27 of 29
Sorry if this has already been said - and it probably has -

But I think (and I am talking about families with a choice here! Please don't think I'm bashing single moms, poor working couples, etc.) that mothers should spend the majority of their time being the SAH parent to get breastfeeding off to the best start. I know people who have pumped exclusively for many months, some even for a year, but I hear it's really hard to keep that going.

Of course, I also think the one who works should be the one who can make the most money, so the family doesn't have to suffer too much living on only one income. Usually that's the man.

I don't know about mothers/women being "natural caretakers." I guess some are. It's not natural for me. I have to learn to like it. I can bear being away from my children. I can be away from them for up to 6 hours at a time (they are with dh though). So it's not like I'm a mother who just gets really homesick for her child. Before having kids I worked 70+ hours a week and loved it. I've taken a long time getting used to being a SAHM but I think it's what my kids really need, and also that they are entitled to it.
post #28 of 29
The more time my husband spends with our daughter, the more attached he is, and the more he wants the best for her. Tears roll down his cheek when she strokes his face, he insists on organic foods and herbal healing, he is picky about who sits her, the list goes on.

Sometimes, women naturally take over the major role for whatever reasons, and the man misses out. My husband only works a couple of days a week (we can do this) so he shows as much nurturing as me. If society gave men a chance, things would be different.
post #29 of 29
Does the OP have any thoughts on the feedback to her question thus far?
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