What to tell 4 yr. old about death in the family

[Ragana]

My husband's aunt and uncle were unexpectedly killed in a car accident this week. My 4 yr. old knew them, but not well, and had not seen them since the spring. We're just not sure what to tell her. So far we have not told her that they passed away. We have babysitting lined up for the girls for this week when we go to the wake and funeral (but I will take my 15 mo. old with to the funeral). My 4 yr. old's aunts and uncles will be here, and she is sensitive enough to know something is up. This just caught us off guard. I guess I have been dreading this because we are not religious, so I can't reassure her by talking about heaven or anything like that. I would have to be honest and say that I don't know where they are now.

Hope I'm not rambling too much. Any advice would be appreciated.

Edited to add: So far when tough issues have come up, we've just been honest and straightforward. I think probably that's what we'll do, but it's so hard to find the words.

[farmer mama]

I guess I will reply after all. Have you told her yet? I think being as straighforward, honest and simple is the best way to go. Kids are so open that they really pick up on things, so I am sure she already has a sense that something is going on. My question is, why don't you want her to go to the funeral? Four days after FIL's death our close friend who was also my dd's midwife died. They had stayed with us for about a month during her treatment and has been a regular part of my kid's lives, so this was a significant loss. My kid's attended her burial and I think it was helpful for dd to have closure. We did bring up to dd that FIL's spirit left his body when he died, because we felt we needed to help her name that "spark" that made FIL who he was. We also told her our personal beliefs about what happens when you die, as well as other ideas from different cultures and religions.

[Ragana]

Pretty soon after I posted this I decided to talk to my husband about telling her. Meanwhile, I was out for a while, and when I came back, my husband was telling her and reading a book called Lifeways. She understood the situation, but was very uncomfortable with it. That is why we did not take her to the funeral (we suspected as much). Also because she was not very close to my husband's aunt and uncle - with a closer relationship, we would have taken her to the funeral.

So, it turned out OK in the end - we were able to at least introduce the topic of death. Incidentally, out of hundreds of mourners, only about 3 families brought their smaller children (a total of maybe 5 kids) - interesting. But since the service was 1 1/2 hours long with little reminiscence about the people themselves and much talk about Christianity in general, I think that was OK. There was not a lot that 5 yr. olds would have understood.

Thanks for your reply! Probably this issue has been covered before - I should have checked the archives more thoroughly.

[Ragana]

PS The book I mentioned is called "Lifetimes", not "Lifeways".

[farmer mama]

I will have to check out that book. Sounds like you guys handled in really well. I just wanted to make sure that you knew I asked about the funeral out of curiousity, with no judgement. Sounds like it was the right thing for her not to go.

[mirlee]

My uncle passed away suddenly this Spring and I posted with the same question. What we realized, was that at four years old, he was able to understand what was going on. We were gentle in explaining it to him. He did ask many questions not only on the day we told him, but for a few days after. He did not come to the funeral as I didn't feel it was appropriate. My nephew and niece came, but they were six and 10 and knew my uncle very well.

I am glad that we were honest and straightforward with him.

I wish you well.