how do you deal with family giving your dc crap toys?

[rainbowmoon]

yesterday my SIL told DH she is buying our ds a
*walking pooh* for xmas. He knows full well I don't want ds playing with crap toys. I told him to tell her not to and that I will end up returning it if she gets it for him.

he thinks we should spare her feelings and accept it then just donate to goodwill after ds plays with it for a couple of weeks. I don't see the logic in this and ds is not going to get crap toys to play with not to mention I find it a total waste. why can't she just buy him something he'll use? is this wrong for me to think this way and how do I approcah SIL and other family members tactfully? (Someone else says they're buying him a toy cell phone! urg!)

I was thinking of posting a message on his blog regarding this (which all the family reads) or is that just tacky?

[morgan's_mom]

I accept all gifts (whether they are to me or my children, who are too young to acknowledge them themselves) the same way -- with grace and a smile. If the gift is a duplicate or something we will not use, I either give it away or exchange it if possible.

I do not believe it is appropriate or tactful to request a particular gift or type of gift unless asked to do so by the gift-giver, nor do I believe it is appropriate to approach your family about this issue (so I cannot offer you a tactful solution in that regard).

[rainbowmoon]

hmm maybe you're right..my intention isn't to be hurtful at all though.I just feel like I should say something yk?

[Unreal]

We've taken the approach of letting them know the types of things the kids will like, if they ask.
If they don't ask, and buy junk items, we smile, say thanks, and either pack it away or donate it.

This year was hard, fil wanted to buy ds an expensive chess set for his bday and had a hard time understanding when we said we would really love it if instead he helped pay for ds's extracurricular activities (gymnastics, ice skating, swimming....)

In the end, ds was SO happy to know that if we ran out of fundage, his lessons were still covered...much more than he would ahve been over a chess set, ya know?
But I could tell it was hard for fil to not have a big present to give to ds...

I'm sure he'll make up for it at xmas time hehehe

[bec]

Whenever anybody asks me what my children want/need for Christmas/birthdays, I tell them that I don't want anything that requires batteries. I then give a list of things that I know my daughters would like, would use, and would not drive me bonkers. :

My family has been pretty good about respecting these wishes.

My thought is that if you don't say something, you really have no right to be upset and complain about it.


Bec

[mraven721]

www.freecycle.org there are lots of families that could really use anything. Maybe your toys could make some child a very happy holiday!

[rainbowmoon]

well the thing is she DOES ask what to get him..I guess maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing and maybe it would be better if I kept my mouth shut?

I just feel it's unfair to give ds something I am going to take back. plus she KNOWS I don't want him having toys like that. I don't think there's any easy answers but I don't want to hurt her feelings either..

I know perfectly well if we gave her kids something she didn't want them to have she would say something to us. (she has told me not to get her kids certain things before that would annoy her)

[pageta]

Yeah, make the rules simple. No batteries pretty much covers it. At the same time, just because someone gives me a gift doesn't mean I have to keep it. If I don't love and use something, I don't need it cluttering up my house. Maybe it isn't exactly polite to ask for a certain gift, but neither is it nice, in my opinion, to give things to people they don't want or need.

We have a similar situation with SIL/BIL - every year they give all of us gifts that just clutter our house. We're talking stuff like football team glasses, candles (I don't ever burn them nor do I like having such things sitting around), toys that aren't age-appropriate for ds (as in, he's outgrown them - say like a tummy time mat when he was already crawling). I'm about ready to just say "No gifts." We have to spend money on them and then they give us stuff we don't want. It's a complete waste, IMO.

So I probably wouldn't say anything to your family unless they ask. Your child can play with the toy you don't want on the day it is received if your relatives are there when the gift is opened (as in, not out of town and shipping gifts to you). Save the box, and then return it or donate it to a needy family. And don't spending a moment feeling guilty about it.

[nikirj]

I'll be the first to admit that I'm 'rude' to my family. We've been 'rude' to each other all our lives - we tell each other how we feel and why, and I suppose that most people consider that rude. This extends into gifts. The people in my family (bless them) are extremely unlikely to go out and buy a Talking Play-With-Me Fuzzy Purple Abomination when I have already told them my philosophy on toys that encourage imagination and talked to them about the differences, and how DH and I feel like 'we' (the collective we, like general mainstream society) are raising the least creative generation yet. It comes up in ordinary conversation - for example, I might mention while we're watching DD put puzzles together that she loves puzzles, we like the wooden ones because DS puts them in his mouth and the cardboard ones get gross and then don't connect anymore...we bought some cardboard ones and learned that the hard way...haha...we try to get mostly wooden stuff now...we like that wooden toys are rarely non-creative...those toys that talk to you and stuff, they really don't teach kids anything... These are conversations we have that have nothing to do with the family buying gifts or what they have given in the past. Sometimes it is easier - with my own immediate family (parents + siblings) I'll just run at the mouth until it seems like my point gets across, they're used to it and do the same to me - with DH's family, they're a little more sensitive and I need to drop hints, but if I drop them to certain people that they are used to being blunt with, the point gets across.

So I'm "rude". I'm "rude" about a lot of things - about how it made me feel when MIL showed up uninvited with our mail from our mailbox, which she had gotten supposedly as a favor, about how I feel when my parents seem to use my house as just a stop-over when they get stuck in the state and never seem willing to stay an extra day and spend time with the kids, about how much I love getting birthday cards whether they have money in them or not, about how I love getting pictures from them even if they seem like boring pictures (hey, I want to know a little about their lives, too).

"Rude" means something different with family. When you're close, you can speak your mind and it just isn't rude, even if you argue (well, the ground rules on this differ from family to family, but the rule in my family is it isn't 'rude' unless you start hurting feelings, and when that happens is very different for different people).

[Marsupialmom]

How would you want your child to react if he recieved an ugly hand knitted sweater from Great Aunt Edna. You would want him to accept the gift gracefully, with a smile. That is how these gifts should be recieved.

Once you have a gift it is yours to do as you see fit.

This is a perfect time to modle a behavior. For the rest of his life he will recieve bad unwanted gifts. He needs to know how to accept them without hurting others.

As for the cell phone what is wrong with those?? They are pretend toys like kitchen sets, tents, fake food, et. We have several pretend phones. Some are "cell", one is colorful batteries died out long ago (whoo Hoo), old broken phones (batteries remove), a purple one, one that goes with the kitchen set, et.

[farmer mama]

I am with Niki, just be open, kind and honest and people will most likely understand. We were very clear from the start about our toy philosophies (no plastic, open-ended, etc), so it has never been a big issue. Actually our family prefers that they have some idea about what to get for our kids. I agree with bec and pageta about keeping rules simple. You could post something on your blog as a note to all family members (so SIL isn't singled out) requesting no electronic toys (or whatever) this year. BTW- I love your baby pictures!

[EFmom]

The gift selection is up to the giver, not the recipient. I think it is extremely rude to tell someone unsolicited what they should spend their money on. How long the gift is given space in the home, however, is up to the recipient.

If people ask for ideas, I give them. I stress that we prefer no batteries, and suggest puzzles, art materials, board games with enduring value, etc. Often that works. Sometimes it doesn't, and the gifts disappear shortly, to be donated to some charity. My kids tend not to miss the junky toys, since they are usually not very interesting.

[nikirj]

Hmmm...

Well, you have friends who give you gifts - they almost always get good gifts because they know you. I have family members who give my kids good gifts because they know us - this includes talking, at some point, about what kinds of toys we prefer. It doesn't have to be in the context of gift-giving AT ALL!! And usually, we aren't thinking about what they'll buy when we talk about these things. If I happen to mention to my mom while we're talking on the phone that we bought DD some new colorful wooden blocks and she LOVES them, and we get into a conversation about what DD's favorite toys are and what I think of the kinds of toys out on the market now, then it is just a conversation. I'm not pushing her to buy my kids certain things. But the end result is that she knows something about what we prefer.

Now, for people I don't know too well (related or not) who feel compelled to give the kids gifts, I just happily accept and deal with the gifts later. That is different.

But I tend to be one of those people who only buys presents for people that I feel close enough that I'd know what they would appreciate, and I tend not to expect presents from people who don't know my family well enough to have heard at some point or another what we think constitutes a good/crappy toy.

Just because it can be taken in the context of gift-giving, doesn't mean that toys are an inappropriate conversational subject. You can talk about toys without linking them to gifting, especially if you link them to parenting philosophies instead.

[Cloverlove]

For me it depends on who in the family is giving the gift.

I am able to be straight-up with my immediate family. They also know us well enough to know our values and preferences.

OTOH- my cousin gave dd a barbie for her 2nd birthday. I honestly just thought it was so sweet for her to remember.

[Cloverlove]

nikirj- we cross-posted! ITA with everything you said.

[WithHannahsHeart]

Well, i unabashedly give them to charity or hide them . Most of the stuff my parents have given her have been pretty good, though; they ask me specifically what i want for her and get that. Sometimes my mom will come up with some wacky clothing or something, but generally is a good gift-er.

[mamawanabe]

One of my best friends spends A LOT of time thinking of what to get me for christmas. One year it was an antique vanity set (she wes so happy with the find that she told my mom about it when she ran into her).

A vanity set is like the most UN-me thing in the world. Not a shred of interest in it. Every year it is like that. She gives me things I don't want in the least.

But I lOVE moment she gives me the inappropriate gift - the aniticipation in her face, the hope that she got me something I will like. I know that look and that hope - it is what I feel everytime I give someone something.

I will give the vanity set to goodwill (someone will like it - someone won't think it junk). But I LOVE that she gave it to me.

It seems the same when someone gives my child a crappy battery operated toy (a box full of battery operated toys). Enjoy the moment of giving without any reservation. Model it for your dc - the way to make holidays not about commercialism is to stop thinking about the gifts and start thinking about the givers joy of giving and the recievers joy of being given to.

good luck

[maya44]

Well how do you rule makers feel when you are on the other side?

Are you comfortable with giving "Amazingly Annoying Battery operated Burping Beagle" or "Plastic Puking Princess" if that is what is asked for?????

[farmer mama]

I am unclear on how the connection is made from requesting to not be given a certain kind of gift to how graciously you accept one. To me if someone knows what will and won't be appreciated, it will be easier to give something that is sincerely appreciated and used. If you get a junky gift anyways, then of course you accept it graciously and then deal with it later. All I am saying is that if you can find a way to make it clear before the gift is given is a way to avoid having to dispose of it later. In my family it would be very hurtful to get rid of something that was given as a present. My mom even asks the kids about some of the things she has given when she talks over the phone. So for us, we avoid a lot of conflict by just being open and honest about our toy philosophy so she knows that the things she gives will be appreciated. It isn't making "rules" about what you can and can't give to my kids, it is more making suggestions. For example, for dd's birthday party I had friends ask "what does dd need?" and our response was that we felt like we already have a lot of toys, so that people were welcome to just bring themselves, something their kid made or found, or something simple like art supplies would be appreciated by dd if they felt they wanted to buy something. The party was great, lots of great personal items like drawings, someone put together a small sewing kit, pastels and paper, and the biggest hit of all for dd was the flowers her uncle brought. Dd opened each with reverence and thanked each giver, so she has already figured out the art of gracious gift recieving (and giving). Several moms said that they appreciated how mellow the unwrapping was and the simplicity of picking out gifts to bring, and it took the pressure off friends who were struggling finacially.

About the burping beagle- I have never been in that situation so I can't say for sure. I don't think the comparison is quite accurate because us "rule makers" aren't saying "get this toy for my child", rather, "if you want to get dc something, we would appreciate that it wasn't made of plastic for these reasons..." This still leaves flexiblity for the giver; and they could still choose a gift that is close to their interests or values.

[LeftField]

Every year, we send an email to family, letting them know what kind of stuff older ds is into, under the guise that it's difficult to keep up with other people's kids. We offer suggestions if they need help. We have said, "nothing with batteries", yet we keep getting them.

I'm very in favor of hiding this stuff and giving it away, after everyone has left. With a 1yo, that would be very easy. Once they're 2 and a half or so, it gets hard.

My mother was bound and determined to buy ds1 a talking alphabet toy. She asked me one year and I said, "no" and explained why. The NEXT year she bought it. At this point, the child already knew his alphabet. Plus, I *hate* those types of toys and she knows this. I had a new baby and the toy was very loud. I should add that she asked my opinion and when I said, "no" again, she said she already bought it and couldn't return it.

So after she left on Christmas and after ds1 tired of making this obnoxious, loud thing make rapping noises, I hid it. He asked about it once or twice and then lost interest. One day, many months later, he told me that he saw it in the closet. He wanted it, because it had Thomas the Tank Engine on it. So I told him that I didn't like the toy because it was very loud. I offered to trade it for a Thomas train and he accepted my offer. He handed over the toy and I bought him a train. He has never mentioned it since then.

I'm dreading Christmas this year, because no one has asked for suggestions yet and my mother shops in August. She also is one that follows the belief of "stuff = love".