how do you deal with family giving your dc crap toys? - Page 2

[sweetest]

Originally Posted by mraven721

www.freecycle.org there are lots of families that could really use anything. Maybe your toys could make some child a very happy holiday!

Thanks for this link! I just found one in my area! I have been needed to give away some baby stuff that is too heavy to ship across the country to my sis.

This Christmas we are visiting my dad and stepmom - our first visit to them since dds birth. I have already told them we dont want to haul a bunch of stuff back home on the plane - my step mom said no problem - we'll pay for the shipping

I am also very open with my family - something that goes way back before I had dd to the days I would visit from college and wouldnt eat dairy or meat. For the past 15 years I have been the "weird" one in the family, so the fact I dont want dd to be given Barbies and Pooh is no big surprise.

I think starting with the mindset that those who are wanting to buy stuff for your family are doing it out of love and really want to buy things that will be used and loved helps in the approach you take with giving suggestions. But we'll see how this works in a few months, I guess. I am trying to plant the seed now to get books

And maybe a beautiful wooden kitchen :LOL

[kavamamakava]

A gift is a gift. You can invite them over to show them which types of toys your son likes best. I think donating toys to a women's shelter is a nice idea, too. I think it's also important to let family members know that there are certain types of toys that you don't feel foster imagination and learning and you try not to give them to your child. But if they want to spend their money on crap, that's their choice. You can't really tell other people what to buy.

[dharmamama]

I think it depends entirely on each member of your family, what their personality is like, and how they would respond to being given directions on what to and not to give. We are lucky in that most of the people in our family are very receptive to guidance. My niece is drowning in junky toys, so the rest of the family appreciates the opportunity to know what they can give our daughter that will be useful and enjoyed. However, *they* ask. I don't just tell them. In some families I'm sure it would be appropriate to just tell. In our family it's not (although, we do talk about our daughter's current interests and our worldview regarding plastic or loud or whizz-bang toys, etc., in general, when we are visiting with family.) For the most part we get good stuff. Occasionally we get clinkers. We smile, say "Thank you for remembering us," and move on. Sometimes the toy stays because, despite the (for example) Disney princesses plastered on it, the babydoll swing and highchair themselves are something my daughter loves. Sometimes the toy goes because it's not something that would interest my daughter anyway. My SIL sent out an email last year directing us to a Wal-Mart (Wal-Mart!) registry for my niece's birthday and Easter. We all felt it was extremely tacky because it not only told us what to choose from but also implied that a gift was expected. I totally ignored the registry and bought something that I felt good about giving and that I thought my neice would enjoy. So, I am one of those people that posters have complained about who ignore the parents' guidelines. Do I feel guilty about that? No, because I know that I have put a lot of thought into the gift, and I'm sure the givers of junky toys have too. So I don't get too bunged up about people ignoring our guidelines. It's important to remember that giving gifts is a voluntary expression of love, and I personally think it's a bit rude to interfere in that. But, when people ask me, I have no problem telling them what we'd like to have any why. Also, remember that some people interpret guidelines very differently. Our daughter's great-grandparents invariably get us brightly-colored plastic things, but they always have a good reason for doing so (in their minds); they have always put thought into our daughter's development and interests, so even though the item is not what we'd have chosen, it is given with love and care.

Anyway, that was a really long post to say, I think that unless you're asked, you shouldn't say anything, but I fully understand that in some families, just telling people what to get is perfectly acceptable.

Namaste!

Ps. My MIL actually hands me catalogs like Magic Cabin and says, "Circle what you want." So we're extremely lucky!

[frand]

mamawanabe - what a great post. You and I don't always agree but I do with you on this one and you made the best point of all -- that in receiving gifts, it is more important to be aware of the giver than the gift itself -- THAT is really what's important. What a great example.

[Embee]

This has been a frustration for us also, but we tend to accept graciously and complain (out of DS's earshot) later. : FIL and wife are the worst offenders. They find these "great deals" at close out stores and garage sales. Well, you know what? So do I, BUT I make sure the toy is first developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old and... isn't in some state of disrepair. DS has spent many a day loving and hating the toys from Grandma and Grandpa. That big ol' LOUD train set (made for a Christmas Tree I think) is really neat looking. However, it only works half the time and when it cares to do that much it spends most of the time falling off the rails which of course Mommy has to fix every 4 or 5 minutes. It's excruciating for us all. This is only one example and the worst of the lot, but we've had many lovely LOOKING trucks and cars given to DS only to have them fall apart in days and of course, DS is crestfallen, yk?

The train put us over though. We did later contact DH's Dad and explained that while we do very much appreciate the thought, we'd be very grateful if he just checked with us first about big things or things perhaps DS already has a version of. Our home is very small, and with the train fiasco, we were even more frustrated that we had just spent actual money on a very special train set for DS that we'd put a lot of thought and care into--age appropriate, usable by hand rather than electric/battery. We don't have a lot of money so it was a big deal. When Grandpa introduced the MONDO TRAIN (with a bell and whistle you can't turn off btw ), it felt like a slap in the face. Especially considering that it hadn't been a week since we'd told him about the one we'd bought for DS.

In the end, FIL understood and promised to check in first. We expressed our deep appreciation for the thought and I think did a good job of not making him feel badly for just being excited to give DS what he knows DS will like, but now we have confirmation that we won't end up with more well, CRAP so I think it was important to speak up.

On gift ideas, we tend to be open about this. Everyone does know that DS adores trucks and we've told everyone that he has plenty for now--too many actually. Last birthday, we had a theme: art supplies. I didn't want anyone spending too much but I knew they would want to give him a gift... so A box of crayons, A reem of construction paper, etc. Very simple, nice and oh so usable! Since DS's birthday is right after the holidays, I do imagine most were relieved that I insisted that they keep things to a minimum.

[sadean]

In our family a gift is a gift, which is graciously accepted and then analysed for appropriateness later...some get kept, others disappear. My SF bought my ds#1 a cap gun when he was 2.5 yo...how he thought that was an appropriate gift I don't know, especially when he knows my aversion to guns for children (well, in general really...I don't see them as a "toy" to be played with, even if they are no real). But he thinks every small boy needs a cap gun, so he bought it. We said thank you (as heartheld as I could muster) and it promptly disappeared when we got home and it has never re-appeared (have NO idea what DH did with it...it likely went in the trash). I don't think it was really even missed either.

[Korwynne]

Depends on the relationship. there are some family members and friends that I'm comfortable being honest with and/or directing as to what gifts I'd prefer, others that I'm not and I'm just greatful when they think of us.

Most of my family is far away, so we make wish lists. They tell us that they appreciate it as they've got no idea what my kids like, or what they have.

I've told them all that we are on a serious effort to declutter and that my children's toys are taking over the house. This is even more a problem as we're wanting to move next year, across the country. So, we've told them that we're looking to get some really nice, high quality wooden and imaginitive toys so that we can more them with us.. and that the plasticky/battery operated stuff will NOT be coming with us.. we're trying to get things this year that we can move with us so the kids won't be miserable when we have to leave things behind.

We're getting Joshua a train table this year and have asked for generic brio compatible toys. He's also getting plan city toys, so those are appreciated as well (his birthday and Christmas are 8 days apart). lindsey is getting a wooden kitchen and so we've asked for some wooden kidkraft appliances and melissa and doug foods.

I've told them that we'd REALLY appreciate magazine subscriptions.. and I've got a list if anyone wants to do that.. the kids love to read, and they love getting mail, so that would be perfect! we love books, and I've got a list of those that we're *really* wanting as well as some general topics of interest.. I've told them we'd love more art supplies.. things like paper, crayons, stickers, pipe cleaners, etc we go through like water. We'd love books on CD or tapes.. and something I'd absolutely be thrilled with would be a tape of family members reading stories to the kids.. they can get a bunch from the library or borrow ours and fill up a cassette - that way the kids could listen to grammy reading a story whenever they're missing her, or whatever. Lindsey wants to cook with me, so kids cookbooks, her own measuring cups, etc. would be great. Josh loves matchbox cars and airplanes.. he thinks bob the builder is wonderful and Lindsey loves my little ponies..

So, I tried to make the list really general, but it's stuff we'd really appreciate.. and there are people I can share it with, others I wouldn't.. it just depends on the relationships.

[zanelee]

It never fails, when I come to Mothering with a problem of sorts, I always find that there's a thread going about the same thing.
Here' my take on this apparently common problem.
My in-laws are the worst for this. Literally every time my BIL comes over, he has a new part to this train set thingy. The loud, battery-eating, obnoxious railway that has really no imagination stirring capabilities to it. And it's growing in our living room. Then there's my MIL, who believes that it's all good, brings hoards (and I do mean hoards) of crap everytime we see her. For example, last christmas, we hosted our families christmas day gift giving and meal. When she showed up, it took about 30 minutes with 2 grown men carrying everything, to get all the crap inside. When it was all in, it literally took up over half of our living room. Now, mind you, all these gifts weren't just for our son, she does this with everyone. It really wouldn't be so bad, if maybe she'd spend the same amount of money on a few gifts for each, but she buys junk, junk and more junk. All meaningless junk. Stuff just to give. I realize that it's the thought that counts, but really, what am I going to do with a resin cast angel with fiberoptic wings that has a look of terror on her badly cast face?....
Whew, sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant...
I am planning on writing our families a letter about creative depivation/concious gift giving. Our son will be truly able to understand things this year at christmas, and I really don't want him to be crying and hysterical after opening gifts because there is sooooo much for him. (This has happened to many friends of mine...)
I also was just given a copy of last december's (I think) Mothering with an article on this same topic. Very interesting reading.
Sorry about the rant...

[awnja]

Kerry, my mom is like your's. I told her while pregnant (I know her and already anticipated this behavior) that if she REALLY HAS to give my baby stuff that I don't want her to have, she can keep it at her house and it will be a special treat when dd visits grandma. We'll see how much noisey "crap" she collects before seeing my side. I figure then dd can at least see that there are different rules at grandma's and the grandparents can "spoil" her without confusing her.

julie

[rainbowmoon]

Yes I do want to teach ds how to accept a gift graciously. That has me thinking I should maybe not say anything to SIL directly about it..though I won't feel guilty returning any unwanted gifts!

anyway I think I will dig up some articles about creative play/toys though and send those her way and to others in the family. (anyone have anything onhand like this they could post?)


I don't want to sound ungrateful but I do wish we could skip xmas gift giving! We have decided we will try to encourage presence over presents this year...but it's hard with most the family out of state. we are not partucularly religious and usually don't even celebrate ourselves. It has been especially hard figuring out what *traditions* to start with ds as we feel compelled to..we plan to keep it simple though whatever we do. when he is older and he can understand we would like to take him with us to work in soup kitchens/ deliver food/gift boxes. This year I think we will just stick with buying an angel tree gift though as he's only 6mo.

[Calm]

Battery operated toys turned my brother into an electrical engineer.

I am flabberghasted that this is actually so thoroughly thought through for some people. My goodness, they are children, being bought a gift - and our idea of a piece of crap may be heaven to a playful child. Its not all about numbers and development and milestones and achievement and dexterity!

[zanelee]

I am flabberghasted that this is actually so thoroughly thought through for some people. My goodness, they are children, being bought a gift - and our idea of a piece of crap may be heaven to a playful child. Its not all about numbers and development and milestones and achievement and dexterity!

I agree, it's not. However, it is about what is best for our child, and received a ton of gifts (literally) is not teaching our son anything that we particularly want him to learn. We would much rather he learn the value of family and friends, rather than how much stuff he can get. As I stated before, receiving so much junk (and the majority is just that, junk) can send them into overdrive, and also totally over-whelm them.

[rainbowmoon]

Well it wouldn't be the first time was accused of overthinking something (DH tells me this all the time )

Calm-I am flabbergasted myself there are some parents out there that DON'T think at all about the toys thier kids play with or where they were made or what materials they are made of. we live in such a disposable society now and it's reflected in toys. more=better and quanity is preferred over quality (regarding mainstrem crap toys) I also think there was probably a bit of a difference between the toys your brother may have played with and the toys being sold today yk?

my ds i s 6months old and I just find it really innapropriate to give him battery operated toys that do things FOR him when he is learning to do things himself. maybe I would have a different viewpoint if he was older, I don't know?

[nikirj]

Most of us have smaller kids. There's no good reason my kids need a play-gym that blares "It's A Small World" - the whole song twice without stopping - loud enough to hear clearly through a closed door (as my MIL bought for DD when she was ting). Some toys, and especially most plastic lights-and-loud-noises toys are made basically to attract parents, and not much thought is given to whether they are actually appropriate for the kids. This is mainly what gets on my nerves.

My kids DO have some battery-operated toys. DH is an RC-car collector and lets the kids play with those all the time; they have a Leap-Pad. We're just careful about whether a toy is actually as valuable and interactive as we'd like it to be. When the kids are older I think that a few more electronic toys will become appropriate - but when they're babies/infants/toddlers/preschoolers they have virtually no value.

[Embee]

Originally Posted by zanelee

My in-laws are the worst for this. Literally every time my BIL comes over, he has a new part to this train set thingy. The loud, battery-eating, obnoxious railway that has really no imagination stirring capabilities to it. And it's growing in our living room. Then there's my MIL, who believes that it's all good, brings hoards (and I do mean hoards) of crap everytime we see her. For example, last christmas, we hosted our families christmas day gift giving and meal. When she showed up, it took about 30 minutes with 2 grown men carrying everything, to get all the crap inside. When it was all in, it literally took up over half of our living room. Now, mind you, all these gifts weren't just for our son, she does this with everyone. It really wouldn't be so bad, if maybe she'd spend the same amount of money on a few gifts for each, but she buys junk, junk and more junk. All meaningless junk. Stuff just to give. I realize that it's the thought that counts, but really, what am I going to do with a resin cast angel with fiberoptic wings that has a look of terror on her badly cast face?

Jennifer, sounds like our MILs were separated at birth.

[Calm]

I've got PMS and I just read what I wrote yesterday and saw it was a little 'bitey' - sorry ladies. I am impressed that no one had a go at me actually, and thank you! I actually prefer the wooden toys myself and books etc. I think I was mainly put about by the reference to how to stop family buying crap toys, it just seems ungrateful, but I do also believe in to each her own. Kids, well my daughter gets more joy out of a stroll in the park than a whirling twirling sound machine. But she does have one (and God help my ears!).

[zanelee]

Embee

Jennifer, sounds like our MILs were separated at birth.

[thistle]

I'm right there with you folks. DH's family NEVER asks about anything, they just send a box o'stuff. For dd's birthday a bunch of stuff just went straight to the "regifting" closet. I actually sold some on TP but I cannot reveal the identities- LOL.

My SIL will buy something if I say I don't want it. Seriously. If I mention casually in conversation that I hate company A or we are overrun with B then I get a boxful for the next gift occasion. Oh well, at least the gift closet gets filled We don't see each other often (3 times in 5 years) so we aren't close or anything. DH isn't really very close with his sibs either b/c there is a big age gap. SIL is coming for Thanksgiving, so maybe she will get the idea then. If not, to the closet it goes.

My sister has gotten much better after seeing that YES, I really DO pitch any Disney/Pooh thing that comes into my house. She is beginning to ask.

That said, I was at dinner with my niece last night and she bought dd a little beanie halloween cat. We have GOBS of small stuffed animals, but I said thanks and love that she was so thoughtful. We will keep it (dd was nursing it in the car this afternoon) and something else (a few things actually) went into the give away box.

[bklynmum]

I would say posting a messafe on his blog is a great idea.
I would even go so far as to make a little wish list on DS behalf and put the things that you would prefer him to have, possibly even go as far as the put links to websites that sell the things or information on stores to get them.

I hate receiving crap things as well and can never understand why other people don't put as much effort into gift giving as I try to do!

Good Luck