Preschool Drama -- WWYD?

[Pallas]

Cub started preschool a few weeks ago -- two half-days a week. It's at a zoo we frequent, so he's familiar with the terrain, and the teacher is the same one from the mommy-n-me-type classes that he used to have once a week.

Day one: Takes off running halfway to class, absently gives me a hug goodbye upon request. Bounces out of class when I pick him up, full of news and feelin' mighty cocky.

Day two: Doesn't want to go. I give him my standard "You don't have to stay, but we do have to go" speech. Never have I given this speech and had to follow through, he has ALWAYS wanted to stay at <gymnastics, music, playdate, grandparents, etc> once we got there. This time, we left. He was soooo sad, and begged to "stay home with my loud baby' (aka 8mo Whiskey).

Day three: Doesn't want to go. <insert speech> Negotiate that I will hang out for the morning walk, then we'll re-evaluate. He ends up staying.

Day four: Dashes to class without a backward glance.

Day five: Doesn't want to go. <insert speech> Negotiate. Beg. Bribe. All fail. Hysterics ensue. I get him calmed down, and home we go.

WHAT THE FUCK, CHUCK??

One of the teachers (not Cub's) reminds me frequently that as soon as the parent is out of sight, the kid is invariably fine. That works for me if he's diffident, or a little reluctant, but not when he's weeping and clinging and begging. I just dont' have it in me to peel him off of me and run away. Besides, his mantra is that "Mommy keeps her promises!" <Knife, chest, twist>

So I'm taking a poll. Am I a wuss? Am I a heartless bitch? Is there some key factor that I'm totally overlooking? No suggestion is too obvious, don't assume I've thought of ANYTHING.

I'm desperate. I think he needs this, but maybe I'm pushing too much too soon because Everybody Says it'll be good for him, and me, and Whiskey. I mean, I'm a sahm, so it's not like he's GOT to go, you know?

FYI, he's 3.5, his little brother arrived in January, haven't had any major assimilation issues (yet). He usually has a few moments of shyness with new people and new situations, but warms up quickly and has many playmates. He's always been a really secure little kid, and good at communicating his concerns -- and he's not telling me that anything specific is bothering him about school, just that he wants to be with us.

Okay, hit me.

Tell me what I'm doing wrong.

[lizziejean]

Maybe 5 days a week is too much? I had my dd in 4 days a week, she was maybe 3 1/4 at the time, and she cried every day, didn't want to go etc etc. I cut out one of the days and then she wanted to go most days, and didn't really want to go sometimes, but was able to be convinced. I think she was under a lot of stress at school - she was the youngest in a pretty big class (14 kids) and she's a bit of a control freak so it was tough. Breaking up the week worked. And we didn't do much at all on the other days - just chilled out at home - which she seemed to need.

So I would recommend, just go every 2nd day for a couple of weeks, with lots of seemingly unrelated tlc on other days, see if that helps.

BTW I do think preschool is great for kids. It can be stressful for them, but they are really growing, turning outward towards the world, figuring out how to deal with what others want vs what they want themselves...

good luck!!!!!!!!!

[Pallas]

(He's going two half-days a week)

[lizziejean]

oh ok then!!! ok I give up you're screwed then! lol

[nikirj]

lizziejean

Well, my first suggestion would have been what you've already done - to require going but not staying at the event. This has never, ever failed with my 4.5yo unless she was sick (hey, sometimes they aren't all that symptomatic...) and I didn't know it yet.

I'm gonna hang out here and hope someone has some information for you. My 4.5yo just started 4-day-a-week preschool (previously she's been in one-night-a-week class type situations, but never anything this continuous) and I'm wondering if I'm going to have to deal with this issue - will the novelty wear off and she'll want to stay home? How do I treat it without seeming insensitive or like I'm betraying her?

[mamaley]

my son was fine the first 2 days, but then days 3-5 he cried. they say that is common, after the newness wears off, the protest more.

he might be testing the waters here, to see what your reaction is.

have you come up with a goodbye routine? something like "2 more pushes on the swing, one giant hug and a high five" (maybe not so complicated though,lol).

[maya44]

I do think its natural to test the waters. Hmmm, what will happen if I cry? What will happen if I cry really, really loudly. If you feel this is a good program and he ends up happy, I personally think its fine to leave them crying for a couple of days.

If it really persists after a few more times, you might want to talk to him at a "neutral time" like not right before school. Maybe on the weekend. Ask "Do you like school?" "Are you happy you stay even when you cry"

This is not like leaving a crying infant. hE CAN tell you how he feels.

[steph]

I can sympathise - I had my own thread over in education here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=197740

While my situation was a bit different, I really relate to how you feel. My own experience told me that dd couldn't always tell me how she felt. Not that she didn't have the words necessarily, but that her feelings were conflicted and so difficult to articulate. Sometimes we really don't know how we feel because we feel so many different things! I don't have any advise except the perenial "go with your gut". BTW, while everyone always says (at leaste in the mainstream) that preschool will be good for them, I don't always think that's so. Yes, it would give you some quiet 1:1 with your new babe, but that's a different issue than it being "good for him". Oh, and for what it's worth, the one thing that dd's teacher told me and it does make sense is for YOU to be the one to decide if he does or does not go to school. She said that it can be very scary for little kids to feel they have the responsibility to decide something as big as going to school. They need us to know what's best for them. When put that way, it made total sense to me. So, whatever you decide to do, make it your decision. Again, FWIW.... Best wishes!!!

[jeca]

yep, your screwed no advice. i don't think your doing anything wrong you just have to play it by ear.