has reading siblings w/o rivalry made anyone else nervous?

[alaska]

I picked this book up recently as we TTC #2 and it has me so freaked out! The description of all those bad feelings #1 harbors for #2... yikes!

I do realize the purpose of the book is to help parents with these issues - and I didn't expect to find rosy descriptions of sibling love - but I'm still worried.

just venting.

[L.J.]

I haven't read it but....

I think that the degree that your children will get along or not has more to do with things like personalities than anything. I know great parents who were conscious about being fair etc. & their kids just simply fight all the time. My boys, get along pretty well. They still have the typical rivalry about things, but overall they really like being together.

There's no way to predict what it would be like. You'll have another one because you choose to and you'll make whatever happens work the best it can.

[mirthfulmum]

Read the book a few weeks ago as preperation for #2. I actually found that the book alieviated a lot of my fears. My mom unintentionally fanned the flames of sibling rivalry when I was growing up and I was so scared that I would do the same. I did not want either of my boys growing up feeling like they were less loved, less accepted or not as good as their brother. After reading "Siblings w/o..." I felt like I had a much better picture of how to prevent the build up of those negative feelings.

[siddie]

I think it's great that you are reading it. Please remember to look back at your own family history. My parents had a step-family of 2+2 and no resources and it is still a sore point among the kids. We all know who was the fav of each parent and who was treated badly. The older step-brothers have suffered their entire lives because of this with problems with relationships and alcohol abuse. My sister is still vying for favor over the other sibs (I think to the detriment of her own relationships) and some have pretty much given up. My father is still doling out favors/rewards to family members without any sense of equality or fairness that often seem based upon whims or outright manipulation. My sister has two kids and obviously favors one over the other. I have only one child and while it is not by choice I am sometimes thankful that I don't have to make that effort to be fair and surmount this issue.

I also think being fair isn't enough. I think the most successful families with more than one child have instilled a STRONG sense of family and sticking together to protect and help each other over all. Petty disagreements are surmounted in favor of the whole family.

I haven't read the book Alaska, I am just validating that it can be very bad if you let it. Otoh, I have some friends from very strong families and I only WISH I had siblings that I could count on like that.

[SmilesALot]

I read this book right before i had my second based on some recommendations in MDC. While i did not get shocked by most of it,
i was shocked by one example in which the authors older son heats up a spoon (or some metal cooking thing) and showed his younger brother how hot it is by pressing it over his arm. THe younger one had burn marks or so it goes. And the author elaborates how it was dealt with. I was very scared to read this and was thinking that i would have hated and almost sent my older child to the police in a moment of fury for doing something so hurtful!

To point the positive, i have learnt some useful pointers from this book to not unwittingly compare any of your kids with each other, to not go crazy trying to be equal to both(you will love them uniquely as each one needs but can never be EQUAL as it depends on one's perspective as to what EQUAL is when it is intangible), to not foster competition between the two. I plan to buy this book as it does open up a whole new perspective compared to how i was brought up. Myself and my siblings luckily have a good relationship inspite of any mistakes my parents made as we were all so different and went in such different directions in life that our parents could not compare at all.

[MsMoMpls]

Of all the things people come into counseling with, almost no one ever comes in for help getting over what their sibling did to them (or their grandparents either). It is the primary attachment of parenting which is so powerful and therefore so potentially dangerous. It isn't the new baby but your reaction to the new baby that can be hard on #1. My best advice is unless it gets too rough, try and stay out of their relationships. Siblings are the best trainers for a healthy marriage.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

My best advice is unless it gets too rough, try and stay out of their relationships.

Just last week, a 13 yo. boy here shot and killed his 16 yo. brother because the brother would not stop teasing him. I don't think "stay out of their relationships" is the best answer.

My best advice is space your babies far enough apart that rivalry is less of an issue. (not that it ever completely goes away.)

[MsMoMpls]

I think your exception just proves my rule. Of course parents need to keep their kids safe, but too often they just fuel the competiveness by being in the middle.

I agree space decreases rivalry but rivarly and connection often go hand in hand. My mother must have said a million times "some day your sisters are going to be your best friends." Of course I said I hated them, knew she was crazy and today... they are my best friends.

[oceanbaby]

I haven't read the book, but I have a younger sister, and harbor no resentment towards her at all! Sure, we fought as kids, but we were always loyal to each other, and are very good friends now.

The only mistake I think my parents made was to always get involved in our fights, rather than let us work it out ourselves. Of course, like someone else pointed out, if it's getting too be too much for one of the kids, the parents need to step in. But for all the regular ole daily fights, I think it's best to try to let them work it out.

I wouldn't stress out about it too much - most people I know have a very good relationship with their sibling, and I doubt any of their parents read any books!

[mamawanabe]

Not so sure about the wide spacing thing. Most siblings I know with 5 years between them have no adult relationship, and my mom and her sister (5 years apart) had a brutal one (her sister dragged her by her hair etc).

Also, 4 years spacing was problematic for my sil who remembered being the center of her parents' world before her sister was born and thus hated her sister with a passion for several years. So traumatic for her that today she wants only one child (despite her and her sister being close now).

I am very close to my brother (two years) and always was; I am not close to my sister (3 years older).

It has SO much to do with personalities and so little to do with things we can control (spacing). But I think books like this will help us to not make things worse.

So much is out of our hands - it is the scary part of parenting.

[maya44]

Take a look at one other book, "Mom, Jason's breathing on me"

Obviously it does not point a "rosy" picture. But it does tell you why not taking sides and how "not getting involved" actually leads to LESS teasing not more.

A great fun read about how to help your kids have the best relationship possible.

[Rainbow]

Originally Posted by A&A

Just last week, a 13 yo. boy here shot and killed his 16 yo. brother because the brother would not stop teasing him. I don't think "stay out of their relationships" is the best answer.

My best advice is space your babies far enough apart that rivalry is less of an issue. (not that it ever completely goes away.)

A mommy with children 2 year apart here... so my bias is obvious I would *LOVE* to see some studies on this, because I know personal experience can be so one dimensional.

I seriously doubt that spacing helps aid rivalry. My DH and his brother are 16 year apart and sadly feel much anger and resentment towards each other- one feeling replaced and the other feeling he is meant to be his older brother.

My brother and I detested each other and we were 4 years apart. My brother always resented me because he was their WORLD before me, and when I came is about the time their marriage started to fall apart- which he of course blamed on me. I detested the mild implications that I was not as good as my brother, the perfect one.

My children are 2 years apart and they have an amazing bond and relationship. They cosleep, I'm constantly able to get cuddle pictures because they hug and kiss on each other all the time. They love to hold hands and walk around the park togehter. The oldest has been able to stay a baby until she's felt comfortable growing up and is not expected to help or be the example. They advocate for each other and are just generally close kids.

We don't "get involved" and dictate how to solve their problems when they do arise, but we do facilitate communication between them and let them find their own sollutions and compromises.
Our rules are :
1) no baby blaming (starting with pregnancy) "I can't because of the baby in my tummy" "We can't right now cause baby is sleeping"
2)No playing them against each other "wow look, your sister is cleaning FAST!"
3)Facilitate communication instead of dictating. "wow DD, can you tell DD how you're feeling about ____?" "What is your idea?"
4) Do not expect the eldest to be the example or to help, let her be a baby until her hearts desire.
5)Do not expect everyone to share all the time- they each have a way to communicate their need for space and the right to say "no, I'd really rather play by myself right now" even if it means i have to stop doing the dishes and interact with the other one because they aren't in the mood to play alone.

I think attachment to BOTH kids is what really helps. There were time I put my infant in bed to sleep so I could put my toddler in the sling because they both needed that attachment to me. I don't at all think that spacing is the magic key to healthy sibling relationships or even the best answer. Being attached, loving them both deeply for their individuality and giving them the tools to communicate and problem solve is the key to healthy sibling relationships IMO.

The book was a little daunting to me on the first go... but all in all it had great suggestions and I'll read it again and again as the girls age

[ameliabedelia]

I also just finished reading that book recently in preparation for the soon to be arrival of #2.

To tell you the truth, it did scare me when I first read it, however once I looked back on my relationships with my own siblings, I realized that it isn't as bad as the book made it seem. Sure, we fought a lot as children, but we also played together a lot and had a lot of fun. I don't remember ever wishing that any of my siblings did not exist, but I do remember feeling very thankful that I had siblings so my parents didn't put all their attention on me. As an adult, I find myself wishing I had more siblings (or at least that my sister was is in my stage of life (married with small children) where we could hang out together and our kids could play together. I am really jealous of other moms who have sisters with small kids and they get together all the time. My one sister is a nun, so she will never get married or have kids and my other sister is still in high school. When we visit my parents, it is so nice to have my brothers and sisters around, who dote on dd and entertain her and plays with her.

[alaska]

It isn't the new baby but your reaction to the new baby that can be hard on #1.

Good points everyone - thanks. I really liked the above - a twist on the way I was looking at it. I appreciate it!

[merpk]

Originally Posted by Rainbow

We don't "get involved" and dictate how to solve their problems when they do arise, but we do facilitate communication between them and let them find their own sollutions and compromises.
Our rules are :
1) no baby blaming (starting with pregnancy) "I can't because of the baby in my tummy" "We can't right now cause baby is sleeping"
2)No playing them against each other "wow look, your sister is cleaning FAST!"
3)Facilitate communication instead of dictating. "wow DD, can you tell DD how you're feeling about ____?" "What is your idea?"
4) Do not expect the eldest to be the example or to help, let her be a baby until her hearts desire.
5)Do not expect everyone to share all the time- they each have a way to communicate their need for space and the right to say "no, I'd really rather play by myself right now" even if it means i have to stop doing the dishes and interact with the other one because they aren't in the mood to play alone.

I think attachment to BOTH kids is what really helps. There were time I put my infant in bed to sleep so I could put my toddler in the sling because they both needed that attachment to me. I don't at all think that spacing is the magic key to healthy sibling relationships or even the best answer. Being attached, loving them both deeply for their individuality and giving them the tools to communicate and problem solve is the key to healthy sibling relationships IMO.

Nice post.